Published at 31st of August 2019 12:59 am

Volume 1, Part II: The First Homicide Inquiry - V

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I heard they found me lying on the ground near a puddle of my own vomit, awake but lying there dumbfounded. A patrolman spotted me and took me to a nearby station, where I was taken into questioning. Unfortunately, I was in a state of shock for about four hours, and they couldn’t get anything out of me. I guess my brain isn’t really prepared for that sort of thing. I don’t know if anybody is. The time it took from the interview to them releasing me made it so that I couldn’t make it to school anymore, so I decided to take a break today.

While the corpse was spreading blood profusely all over the place, I was lucky enough to be far away and so didn’t have any blood spatter on me, so that (and the fact that I’m Daisuke’s cousin) sped up the processing quite a bit. Right now, Daisuke is giving me a ride back home.

“So, you really didn’t see anyone, Mikiya?”

“I said I didn’t. What’s it gonna take for you to believe me, huh?” I find myself surprised at the annoyed tone I take, but Daisuke just seems to take it in stride.

“Alright, alright, I believe you. Fuck. I guess I should just be happy you’re alive; the killer wouldn’t have let you live if you’d seen anything. But god- damit. This case is still a stone-fucking-whodunit.”

“It’s a career case if you solve it, though.”

How sick am I, joking around with Daisuke like this? A voice in my head keeps whispering, liar, liar, and yet here I am lying with a straight face to a police detective who’d probably waste no second throwing me behind bars if he found out I was withholding information. Yet still, I didn’t say anything about Shiki being in the scene of the crime.

“So, Mikiya, how was your first body?”

“Well, spilled my guts out, didn’t I? I never want to see another one again if I can help it.”

Daisuke gives a small chuckle and says “Yeah, I had that feeling too, first time around. Not every body that gets dumped in this city is like that, though, so you can rest easy.”

Oh. Well, sure, Daisuke, I’ll rest easy on the fact that at least not all dead bodies you get are horribly mutilated.

“But I didn’t know you were a friend of the Ryōgi girl, Mikiya. Small world.”

The knowledge of me befriending Shiki makes him smile for some un- known reason, which makes me just a little bit more nervous. On record,

they chalked this recent incident up to the same killer as all the others, and they took my statement that I was there on the night of February 3rd only after the murder had happened and the suspect had taken off. Both the Ryōgi family and myself have said nothing about Shiki, even though they must know that I know by now.

“So did you investigate the family or something?” I ask Daisuke.

“Hey, I wanted to, seeing as the daughter, Shiki, goes to your school, but they didn’t want to for some reason, and I can’t go knocking down their door when I don’t have a charge against them. Not that that makes them automatically suspicious or anything, but the only thing they said to me was ‘what happens outside of our grounds is none of our business.’ Bunch of stuck up fools if you ask me.”

Strange. This combined with the fact that they stopped the investigation just outside the grounds of the Ryōgi family and didn’t even try to ask going in makes me think the Ryōgis have some sort of suction on the force.

“You ask me, though, I don’t really think they had anything to do with it,” Daisuke says suddenly.

“Huh? Why?”

Even though I make light of him most of the time, the truth is, I have faith in Daisuke’s detective skills. He’s cracked some tough nuts in the past, and it’s undoubtedly made him a valuable asset to the homicide division, despite his lack of reluctance in sharing police information with his all too curious cousin. I thought for sure he’d be at least a little suspicious about Shiki.

“I just can’t see why any one of them would want to suddenly kill peo- ple. There’s no motive, at least not one I can see.” Then his eyes lose their look of contemplation, and he smiles at me. “Besides, you don’t see a girl like their daughter killing anybody, right? Too much of a looker for that to happen.”

I sigh, and think fruitlessly at why such a carefree man is in such a grim occupation. “And that’s why you’ll be single for the rest of your life,” I reply.

“Say any more and I’ll exercise my ability to lock you up for 24 hours without probable cause.”

We don’t talk for the rest of the ride, but I do agree with Daisuke, even without his “amazing” powers of intuition. I mean, strictly speaking, I didn’t really see Shiki do anything, and I’m sticking to that one fact, even if she herself tells me otherwise.

Now I have something I need to do.

In retrospect, that was the last time for a long time that a murder like that happened. The elusive form and shape of the serial killer would not begin to become much clearer until three years later, and yet it all seems like a world apart to me now. But that was the first and last time that Shiki would ever face me with a look as frightening as she had that night.

Just outside the grounds of our manor, in the stone path that led to the house, a murder took place.

My stroll on that night was a scattered recollection of waking moments and seemingly blank unconsciousness, a trend that has started only re- cently, but connecting the moments I do remember seems to lead me to the obvious conclusion as to what I did.

The disfigured corpse sprayed blood in every direction, and the very sight of the crimson liquid made my head spin and my knees weak. Shiki

felt the same way, but I imagine for entirely different reasons. Worse, this person’s blood was especially beautiful. The way the blood seeped and flowed through the little spaces in between the stones of the path seemed to me to be the most elegant thing I’d ever seen in my life.

Before long, I noticed that there was someone some distance behind me, retching at the spectacle before him, and when I turned my head to face him, it turned out to be Mikiya. I didn’t know the reason why he would be there at that late hour, and I didn’t even think about it at the time. After that, there was another spate of unconsciousness, but I think I remember returning to the mansion. I found out that the body was discovered much later, and strangely enough, there was no talk of me being there. Was the Mikiya I saw just a hallucination, some phantom dream designed by my mind? That man is too honest; there’s no way he would lie to the police to cover up the real killer.

And why did it have to be done in front of my house?

“Was it you, Shiki?” I ask out loud, but no answer came from within or without. The rift of disconnection between me and Shiki grew stronger

with each passing day. Even if I hand him control of myself, we both have to want something to do it. But why is it that recently, when Shiki is in control, my memory becomes misty and indistinct?

Maybe, just maybe, without me noticing, I’ve become just as insane as the other members of the Ryōgi dynasty.

Jesus Christ, will you stop worrying? Here’s the thing: if you even so much as think you’re insane, it means you’re not.

His voice comes to fore and berates me, but he’s right. Well, at least I’d like to think he’s right. Someone insane doesn’t question his own sanity. That at least gives me some comfort.

A knock comes from the door of my room, and the voice of Akitaka comes right after, interrupting my thoughts. “My lady, may I intrude for amoment?” I invite him inside my room, but he refuses due to the late hour. “Is there something the matter?” I ask.

“There seems to be someone keeping watch over the house.” “But I heard that Father managed to drive all the policemen away.” Akitaka nods. “The police withdrew from further investigation of the premises since last night. This one is an entirely different matter, however.” “You may do as you please. I don’t care who it is, he or she has nothing to do with me.”

“But my lady, the one who is keeping watch seems to be your friend from school.”

Upon hearing that, I stand up from the bed and immediately make my way to the window in my room, with its clear overlooking view of the man- sion gate. I pull back the curtain and look outside, keeping my eyes trained beyond the walls. Sure enough, there he was, a solitary figure silhouetted in between the trees. I don’t know whether to laugh or be disappointed at his laughable attempt at concealing himself.

“Only say the word and I will ask him to leave,” says Akitaka.

“No, not tonight, I think. Leave him and do him no harm. He isn’t causing any trouble.”

I skip lightly across the floor back to my bed and lie down. Akitaka says a final formal “goodnight”, turns off the lights, and closes the door.

The next few minutes consist of me attempting and failing to fall asleep, as my mind keeps drifting back to the window and outside. With nothing to do, I give up and approach the window again, making sure he’s still there. And sure enough, he is.

Despite his brown duffle coat, Mikiya is visibly shivering from the cold air. White puffs of air emanate from his mouth with every breath as he keeps watch on the gate with only a thermos of coffee by his feet to keep him company.

Now there’s really no way that the Mikiya I saw in my fragmented mem- ory was a dream. I can guess what he’s here for: to see if I’m really the killer. This could even be just a foolish attempt by him to keep the killer from ever doing it again; some sense of responsibility on his part as a wit- ness. Watching him from this window while thinking, I bite a fingernail, as I am wont to do when angry. I guess there’s nothing else to do but force myself to sleep.

I had already expected a less than customary greeting from Mikiya at school today, if any at all, so him saying…

“Shiki, wanna eat lunch together?”

…like nothing had happened is more than a little suspect. And as always, I go along with him. I feel like a pet being bribed to go the roof with food. I had already decided beforehand that I would try not to associate myself with him anymore, but I would be lying if I said that I didn’t want to know what he himself thought about that night. I took his offer for lunch thinking he would be the one asking me the obvious question, but he’s just thor- oughly ignoring the elephant in the room with this one.

“Does your house really need to be that big? Last time I went there, you even had a butler of some sort.”

“Akitaka is more like my father’s private secretary. And I like to call him a caretaker rather than a servant, Kokutō.”

“So I guess there really are people like that, huh?” he says, bookending his sentence with a nervous laugh. His voice exhibits a noticeable quiver.

I can’t judge by his attitude whether or not he knows that we’ve real- ized he’s spying on the house, but still, even given the circumstances he’s acting too strange. There’s no way he couldn’t have seen me covered in blood given how close he was standing to the entire thing, but why is he still laughing and talking to me as if it was some big joke? Well, if he’s not talking about it, then it’s going to have to come from me.

“Kokutō, on the night of February 3rd, you were—“

“Can we not talk about it?” And just like that, he sweeps the question

away.

“What exactly is it that we can’t talk about, Kokutō?”

Unbelievable. The slight shift in tone, the vocal mannerism, the slightly off-beat way I just pronounced his surname. For a second there, Shiki

owned my voice. Even Mikiya noticed; it’s all right there on his face. Strange. That’s never happened before, and it stuns me momentarily. I take a half- second of time to compose myself, clear my throat, and continue. “Be frank with me. Why did you not tell anything to the authorities?”

“Because,” Mikiya answers, “I didn’t see anything.”

You liar. That can’t be true.

— that can’t be true because that night, Shiki approached you — “You just happened to be there,” he continues. “That’s the only thing I

saw at the very least. So I decided to believe you.”

You liar. If you believed me, why did you keep watch outside my house?

— Shiki drew closer, rain-speckled and blood-spattered — “Honestly, it’s hard for me to talk about right now. Once I have more

confidence in myself and put it behind me, maybe I can hear what you have to say. But for now, just…please, let’s not talk about it.”

How I so wanted to look away from him, to run away from the honesty in his face. To me, it looked like it was accusing me of murder.

—Shiki stood over him, and there was no mistaking it. He want- ed to kill Mikiya.

Even though I never wanted to kill him. He said he believed in me. If I could only throw away that impulse, if only I believed in myself, then may- be I could have been spared the taste of this strange new sadness.

I did my damndest to avoid Mikiya after that day. After two days, he gave up on talking to me too, but he still sits outside the walls of the mansion every night without fail, for close to two weeks now. I admire his persis- tence, if nothing else. Under the chill of winter, Mikiya sits just a little inside the bamboo tree line outside of the grounds, watching the gate, and he does this until three o’ clock in the morning. Every night I spy a look at him, and every night I bite a nail in annoyance. I guess he got his wish; because of him, I haven’t been going out of the house at night lately.

At three o’ clock in the morning, he always leaves not with a tired or worn out face, but with a smile. He isn’t doing this to find out who the killer is. He said he trusted me, as if it was entirely natural to do so. He’s doing this to prove, or otherwise convince himself, that I am innocent. That’s why, when the dawn breaks, and he starts to leave, he smiles. Because nothing happened.

“I guess optimism is in his blood,” I murmured quietly, one night while watching him. And it makes me think. Being with Mikiya makes me calmer, more at peace. Being with Mikiya fools me into thinking I’m one of his kind. Being with Mikiya makes me think I can actually go to his side of the world, a bright side of the world that I’ll never be allowed into, a world that has no place for me. And with that dumb smile on his face, he tries to drag me in.

That’s the real reason why I’m irritated at him. I’ve nursed a murderer inside me named Shiki for as long as I’ve lived, but Mikiya keeps showing

me a better life, without Shiki, without the impulse of killing. But instead of making me happy, it just strengthens what I already know: that I am not normal, I don’t belong.

“I've survived veing alone my entire life, but now you’re proving to be a nuisance, Kokutō,” I murmur out loud.

I don't want to go insane.

I don’t want to break.

If he hadn’t given me the dream, that small spark of hope of a normal life, everything would have turned out better for me.

March has just begun, and already the cold seems to be receding. After class, I stay in the classroom and look outside the window. It feels like for- ever since I last did so. Here, in this window, the world that I view from on high actually makes me feel secure. A view of a world that I can’t reach doesn’t make me entertain any illusions of reaching it.

And like a vision from older, better times, Mikiya enters the sunset bathed classroom in exactly the manner he used to do. Shiki always liked to talk to him like this. I did as well.

“I never thought I’d get invited by you again to talk after class,” Mikiya says. “Are you going to stop ignoring me now?”

“It’s because I realized I can’t go on doing that that I called you.”

His eyes twitch a moment in surprise. Even though Shiki is trying his best to overcome me and take over, I try to hold out long enough to say what I have to say to Mikiya.

“You said before that I’m not a murderer.” I can barely see Mikiya’s face against the bright red glow of the sunset, but I can see he’s disappointed that we had to talk about this. “Too bad. I am a murderer. You were at the scene of the crime, but why didn’t you tell anything to the police?”

“Because there’s nothing for me to tell. You didn’t do anything, right?” “Even if I’m saying it to your face right now?”

He nods. “Hey, you’re the one that said that I should take everything you say with a grain of salt. There’s no way you were the one that did that. I’m sure of it.”

“What are you so sure of? What do you even know about me? What part of me can you believe in?” Unintentionally, my anger at him grows. For his part, he gives me a half-baked smile.

“I don’t have any basis, but I trust you. See, I like you, so I want to keep on believing in you.”

And that makes me stop like I’d just run into a wall. Those words which are probably just nothing to him are the most that anyone has given me; happiness, and my destruction, in one sentence. This carefree man has

given me the illusion of a time spent with someone, a better world that’s not for me. Because I know that if I ever get close to someone, Shiki will

come out and kill him, because denial is the sole reason he exists. And because he cannot live without affirmation, I exist. But because I’ve never been close to anything in my entire life, I could live through the paradox. Now that I know the world he can give me, the more I wish for it, the more I realize that it’s a hopeless and impossible wish. It hurts me and I hate it, and for the first time ever, I hate Mikiya from the bottom of my heart for making me realize it.

And he laughs like it means nothing.

I can’t stand being here anymore. I can’t stand him. I see it now. This is how Mikiya will destroy me.

“You are a fool,” I declare. “Yeah, I get that a lot.”

As the sunset slowly turns to dusk, I exit the classroom while I still can. Before I cross the doorway however, I do one last thing. With my back still turned, I ask Mikiya a question.

“Are you coming tonight?”

“What?” He sounds surprised. I guess he still doesn’t realize I watch his little vigils. He tries to wave it off, but I insist.

“Answer me, damn you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, but if I feel like going to your house, I will.”

And with that I leave him in the classroom, and exit the school grounds. Gray clouds dot the red horizon, and the low rumble of thunder sounds off in the distance. I guess it’ll be a rainy night tonight.

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