Published at 25th of August 2019 8:10 pm

Chapter 13: The Third Life and Thereafter – 5

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“You have to properly understand that there is no replacement for you.”I remembered the words told by the marquis’s wife. For that reason, first, I started by raising a person capable of becoming my replacement. While affecting a casual manner, pretending nothing was wrong, while being easygoing, to my gentle little sister, to Silvia, I taught everything I had learnt so far by pretending it was a training in homemaking arts. It may have been harsh to do this to her who didn’t even have a fiancé. From a third person’s perspective, it may have seemed like I was bulling her, and indeed, that was what said the maids. However, when I told her it was necessary for the sake of her future, only Silvia slightly narrowed her eyes and soon started to laugh with a joy that came from the bottom of her heart.

“I, until today, I felt like I was already dead.”

My little sister looked at me with eyes that weren’t the slightest bit clouded. The words she assembled together in a breath sounds like they were carrying a feeling of exhaustion. There is nothing I can do about my weak body, at best all I can try to improve it is to take a daily stroll. Even if I want to chat a bit, because it will tire me out it’s prohibited. I’m being carefully and preciously protected, I was told that it was alright to not do anything so I must live, but on the other contrary it felt like I’m gradually dying, said Silvia while crying softly. And then she grasped my hand and told me “Thank you.” Yes, she said thank you. I, who replied there was no need for thanks and addressed a smile to Silvia, I wonder how long I can keep my pretended coolness.

All the time, the principle that governed my conduct was my self-interest. I wanted to stand beside Soleil. I couldn’t bear to be looked with scorn and disdain by his eyes. I couldn’t bear to die alone and lonely, neither could I endure somebody putting all the blame on me, I was fed up of being always condemned at each end of my life. That’s why, to not let this happen, I tried to save Silvia. It was the same in all my lives. Even this time it was probably the same. It wasn’t for her sake. I was only persistency doing the things that must be done for my own sake and self-interest. However, it was the first time something like guilt shown through my feelings. As I watched my little sister’s cheeks flushed red with joy when she stared at me, I knew I was the one that made her shows such an expression, and I came to think this time was the first time I truly acted like an older sister.

This child will one day steal Soleil from me.

Because I’ve always known it, while on one hand I set the goal of saving her, in reality on the other hand, I wondered why must I save her and felt kind of conflicted. Unnoticed, this gave birth to a distance between my little sister and me, or rather, I behaved like I wanted to stay away from her. It wasn’t only my parents and our servants who said she must by locked up in her room because her body is frail. My parents and our entourage were surely worried about my little sister, but I was different. It was simply because I felt at ease thinking that as long as she stayed quietly in her room I wouldn’t have to meet her. I was always looking for a legitimate reason to stay away from my little sister.

If I must ponder about when I start to think like that, it’s probably at that tea party as expected. Until that moment, Silvia had been my cute, one and only little sister.

Tightly grasping my hand, Silvia said with a weakened voice she has been lonely all that time. While watching her listless profile, I vaguely felt that the time to face each other might have come. I knew that Silvia whose body was said to be too frail to bear children could get pregnant. In other words, like me she also had the qualifications to marry into a noble house. An earl house with a third court rank was not of a high standing but as a noble family its status couldn’t be criticized and more than anything Silvia ephemeral appearance was generally widely appreciated. Originally, the future of my little sister should have been secured. There should have been many men willing to be adopted into our family with pleasure, and even if Silvia were to leave the house the succession wouldn’t be that much of a problem. Since I married into the marquis house, in the worst case that Silvia would pass away due to her illness, it had been decided that our father’s younger brother who was quite apart in age would inherit the title. If Silvia had been healthy, then there would have been no element in her life she could have be dissatisfied with.

It my case, the status of Soleil’s family was too high. Surely, because various coincidences piled up and the position of being his fiancé felt on my lap, I desperately clung to it. Because I knew the only way to stand beside him was by being his fiancé. It might have been different if we were of the same sex. If Soleil had wished for it, I could probably have become an ordinary friend. But we were of the opposite sex, if I didn’t become his fiancé staying by his side wouldn’t be permit. Being a marquis’s son was that high of a social position. But maybe, all that discord occurred because I was the one who became Soleil’s fiancé.

If the other party had been Silvia?

Soleil would surely volunteer to protect her himself. No matter what anyone else told him, there was no doubt he would have cherished and protected her to the end, wrapping her in silk layers as if she was a frail porcelain doll. Even if his beloved Silvia was dragged into danger because of the fact he was endowed with the social position of being just below royalty, he wouldn’t let anyone get away with endangering her, and would always be at her side guarding her from harm. I’m sure he can do this. Even if I’m not here to protect her.

After all this time I reached that conclusion.

“I will do my best, big sister. To the extend you’ll feel proud of me…”

The thin fingers of my little sister who grasped her pen wrote down the formula inside the notebook. For the sake of learning the territory administration economics cannot be skipped. Silvia said she wasn’t good at calculation, but she was persevering hard enough. I wanted her to at least memorize the languages of the friendly neighboring countries and when I invited a foreign language teacher, she happily started to learn the new vocabulary. At first, it was probably a big mental burden for her, who didn’t have any occasion to meet with people outside of our family and employees, to request to be taught by strangers. But Silvia whose big eyes sparkled in happiness was not afraid to learn. Until late at night, she would review what she had learn during the day, and even if the number of times her lack of sleep caused anemia weren’t few, I thought it wasn’t a bad sign. I didn’t know Silvia was the kind of person capable of putting in that much efforts. The kindler I treat her, the more cheerful Silvia became. There were days where she was sickbed as usual, but they were remarkably less than before. The personal doctor of the earl house had twisted his neck in wonder and made the following diagnostic, “until now there probably was the effect of some mental depression.” Silvia had been said to be too much frail to be able to live long. This may have already become a thing of the past.

And then, Soleil frequently watched over Silvia and I who got closer and looked intimate at first glance. On the bright face I didn’t manage to see a single time in all my piled-up lives, his pairs of eyes were narrowed in tenderness. Just by slightly decreasing the distance between Silvia and me, he completely changed his hardened expression. “You two really get along well” he said while moving his sight toward Silvia whose cheek had redden as she was dreaming of the future. That figure that looked at my little sister with a deep love is similar to a figure I saw somewhere, sometimes.

Soleil falls in love with my little sister. My little sister seizes Soleil and her happiness. Then, me. …… what about me?

In these lives of mine that seemed to change but where nothing really changes, I feel like I’m drowning and my breath is blocked. In all this suffering too, there is surely some sense.

*

The day I slipped out of the mansion, it was raining.

Unlike last time, I coiled a black overcoat around me to blend with the darkness as I sneaked away. I packed up enough clothes to last a few days in a small bag and brought along jewels that could be exchanged for cash. The money I had prepared beforehand was in my underwear, the daily necessities could be bought anywhere, so bringing almost nothing with me I run to the place where the person who would act as my guide was waiting. Probably nobody noticed I slipped out of the mansion. The reason for this was because my wedding with Soleil would be in two days, as such both mine and the marquis’s houses were pressed for time due to the preparations and had no room to spare to anything else. The guard was really lax, I very easily managed to sneak out. In order to make Silvia become my substitute, I had judged it was probably best to flee that day. After all this time it was impossible to cancel the wedding ceremony, so our earl house would have no other choice but to offer an alternative. The only suitable person, was my little sister Silvia. The situation was different from the previous time I eloped, she had got through education to become a bride. Our parents will probably be able to keep their pride. The marquis’s house too, as long as there was a bride, would decide to ignore me. Even my escort knight Al who had to throw away his life because of the previous me, while he might be a little criticized for letting his master run away under his very noise, but it will only be that. At least it won’t become a situation where his life is stolen. Because anyhow, he didn’t know a single thing about the plan itself. I made all the preparations by myself, from beginning to end I never consulted Al for anything. If I had only been a normal teenager, I probably wouldn’t have been able to think of all this. Because I was born and raised as an aristocrat, nobody would have think I could run away, disappear in the streets and live there.

However, I had memories. Memories of a great number of accumulated lives. I have repeated the same time, made mistakes again and again, and I’ve finally found my resolution. The resolution to run away from here, the resolution to distance myself from Soleil. If it’s now I can do it, was what I thought while I cast away everything. Feeling as if I had grown wings, I felt into the delusion that I could escape from that unfortunate fate. I was convinced that I could carry through this time for sure.

That’s probably why it turned out like this.

Rather than tumbling and falling down the stairs, it felt more like being pushed off a cliff. I took a step forward thinking there was a footpath but there was no ground at the tip of my feet, and before I realized that I was falling, my body was already thrown at the bottom of the abyss. I just left my heart behind at the top of the cliff and felt down.

I don’t know who the traitor was. The previous time we run away, Al found our cooperators by himself. They were probably either his knight comrades or close friends he could trust. But this time I didn’t borrow the help of these persons. Because knights entrusted their lives to each other, they were especially united. If you sought the cooperation of any one of them, there was the possibility that this plan would become known not only by Al but also by Soleil. So this time I requested the help of one of the trustworthy merchant who we frequently commerce with. Was it a mistake in the first place? Or was it one of the men he asked for help who betrayed us? Anyway, before I knew it I was detained by a slave trader. All my possessions were torn off me and handed over to someone, at that time nobody would believe anymore that I was a noblewoman. That was natural. Because it was improbable for a young lady of a noble family to be alone in the middle of the city without any escort. Changing my clothes partway to mingle in the streets was a poor move. My jewels and money were stolen, of course. My hair and my body were dirty because of the rain that was falling when I run away, and because I feared being tracked down I didn’t bring anything that could prove my identity. Everything worked in a negative direction. Now that Silvia had become my substitute, there was nobody who would try to locate me. After having been resold and resold again and again no traces were left, and nothing could prevent me from falling down to the place called the lowest of all brothels. Just by the fact I had flee, I had thrown mud at my parent’s home. After having done such a thing I couldn’t seek their help. Although I think I cried at first, unable to call anyone’s name for help, I started to wait for time to pass. As my body and flesh were violated, my heart and mind too, were snatched away.

I was alive, but dead.

Losing your mind and heart was like that. I didn’t think, I never dreamt, I probably never hoped. I became unable to remember for what reason I had tried to run away. But, I also remember this intuition. Somewhere inside my head, I thought that I will repeat it again.

… … The clanking sound of porcelain striking against each other disturbed me as I was originally drifting into a swallow sleep.

On the other side of the stained sheets, on top of the lone and desolate bedside table, a glass of water placed on a cup was shaking. Reflect on the surface of this glass, was a face that had lost its color, a face that brought me an impression of déjà vu. It was probably because it was the expression I saw reflected on the mirror that I looked at just before I died in my former life. I no longer knew for how long I have been living here in that manner. Far from counting the passing days, I didn’t even keep track of the time as there was nothing to show the hours here. It was the lookout outside of the room that measured the fee due each hour. We were not given the slightest bit of freedom. Even the liberty of knowing the time didn’t exist here.

“Drug.”

Maybe because I seemed unlikely to move, the quiet voice impatiently urged me to take them. I stayed lying on the bed and only raised my eyes, but when I did so, I saw a boy looking at me, half his body leaning over me. He seemed to be around 4 or 5 years old. A pair of black eyes was set on his white face, his hairs were black like Soleil’s, his slender neck was tilted diagonally; one by one I checked his outward features and confirmed they matched the description of the person that was on my mind. (Crow). I didn’t manage to say the word, the name of that person disappeared when it reached the tip of my lips. The gesture of bending his neck as he peered fixedly into my eyes was completely the same as the adolescent Crow. I knew that he could freely change his appearance, but I didn’t know he could also liberally change how old he looked. Naturally at first, I thought it was my own imagination playing tricks on me. That it was someone else who accidently resembled him. No matter how much their face looked the same, he was much younger than the Crow I knew, since he was a child it was unlikely for him to be the real person himself. It was easier to conclude he was a relative or something like that. He was completely different from the Crow who I spent time with at the same moments in my previous life. But Crow was Crow. There was no doubt. Although the Crow of this life hadn’t even told me his name.

“Can you get up?”

He gently put his hand on my back to support me and I finally could rise my body up a bit. Crow unwrapped the red powder medicine and placed it on top of his little hand. I knew that it was surely expensive and the boy must have secretly procured it from somewhere. I didn’t say it out loud because Crow probably didn’t want me to know about it. He didn’t even demand money in exchange. The boy who appeared from nowhere as soon as I got sick, had probably been observing me from somewhere just like how he did when we met in one of my previous lives. He appeared in that cavern-like-brothel while claiming he was my caretaker and took residence in my room as if it was the most natural thing. But no one else seemed to know about him. To begin with, in this kind of place there was no occupation like caretaker. Because prostitutes of the lowest of lowest grade like us were not considered as human being. But Crow wasn’t introduced by anyone and before I knew it he was here, taking care of me.

“Drink even if it’s only a bit” said Crow with a sullen face as I kept my mouth closed no matter how much time passed. When I involuntary laughed because it was unusual for him to make that kind of expression, he put the edge of cup at the gap of my lips which had opened slightly. While coughing several times, I finally managed to drink some water and swallow the drug. My throat felt weak. One I started coughing it wouldn’t stop, my chest made an unpleasant wheezing sound. Today too customers will surely come. I must manage to recover and get up somehow. When I mumbled and moved my tongue on which remained the bitter taste of the medicine, suddenly, Crow climbed on my bed. As I was wondering what he would do, he kept quiet and lied down beside me. Then, he clutched my stretched-out hand. His hand that didn’t transmit warmth as usual felt comfortable, probably because I had a fever. I understood that feeling physically exhausted after taking some medicine meant my fever was high. Even though there was the possibility to catch this unknown illness, the fact that customers would still come visit this room showed how humans’ lusts were truly endless.

“Ilya, is there anything you want?”

At the time I was swept away in human traffic, I was told to throw away my name. At first, I did so and changed names a few times. Then when I arrived her I started using my real name. I threw my family name. But, no matter what, I couldn’t bring myself to give up my first name. Once again, a childish voice called out “Ilya.” The pair of black eyes was seizing me, in the tiny room devoid of window and dominated by a deep silence, they just continued to stare at me. I knew they were pressing me to answer, but in truth it had already become too tiresome to even utter a single word. That’s how weak I had become, and I almost wanted to fall asleep at once.

“Hey, Ilya. Should I lend you a hand?”

Inside my dozing off consciousness I heard Crow gently murmuring this. The first time we met, Crow certainly asked me the same question. Then, he became my hands and feet exactly like he said he would and he lent me his help for all kind of things. However, this Crow was not the Crow of that time. There was nothing to wish from the black bird that had taken the appearance of this boy. He certainly was a bird portentous of ill omen. However, in a world were only calamities existed, that was no longer a misfortune.

“Why, why, why am I the only one, why is it only to me that things like this……”

That day where I was loaded on a carriage like goods, with both my hands and feet restricted. I, who was lamenting over all the lives had I experimented until then and over the current one, was told by a girl who had been similarly caught, “… You’re not the only one.” Yes, her stagnated and dispirited gaze silently told me this.

That’s right. I wasn’t the only one. Being deceived, caught, sold, dealt with like I was a thing, piled up on a carriage like a luggage. Traded for money. I wasn’t the only one who was restrained by chains and sold.

But surely, the only one who couldn’t escape from this hell, was me and me alone.

Silvia was surely living happily under Soleil’s protection. Without being attacked by a band of thieves, without collapsing in illness, she’ll gave birth and raise a child, and fulfill her duty as the wife of the marquis. That child was surely laughing. I set that stage and run away. I know that Soleil slightly slacken his cheeks just by looking at that child. I know it. Because it has always been the case. In a place where I’m not, Soleil and Silvia are probably staring at each other in happiness.

That’s why, I’ll remain like this, in this pitch-dark place, I’ll stay here forever.

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