Published at 25th of August 2019 8:13 pm

Chapter 21: If this is the real end – 4

This chapter is updated by NovelFree.ml

“I no longer love you.”

When I put them out loud, I managed to say those words without much difficulty. The painful cramp in the depths of my chest was a remnant of the “memories” from the numerous lives I have accumulated. Even though I certainly thought it was painful, I also felt that I had built up a resistance to the pain that had been steadily carved in this body. For that reason, I thought that if I tried to not mind it, I could manage it somehow.

“I no longer… …”

In the library that had become deadly silent because nobody was here anyway, I pretended to read a book and whispered it one more time. Then, I noticed that my lips were trembling. It was painful and felt as if my struggling breath was blocked in my throat, and instinctively I tightly grasped my neck with both hands. Simultaneously a strained laugh leaked out from my lips because I realized what I was doing. I was strangling my neck as I imagined the incident that hadn’t happened presently. I hadn’t lost myself to the point of not noticing this foolishness.

“… … love, you.”

The disconnected words that I muttered a second time melt into the air, leaving behind a trailing note. However, those words that lost their existences as sounds still coiled around this body and wouldn’t leave it. There were words imbued with that much meaning. In all those lives until now, for Soleil’s sake, for my little sister’s sake, but also for my own sake consequently, I tried to convey it many times. I knew lying to myself was the best method and I thought I should do that. Just a single word, if I could say it, Soleil and I could have moved forward to form a more positive relation.

If we didn’t love each other. If we didn’t harbor any feeling.

A plain and indifferent relation should have been permitted. Building a relation of trust as two work partners strictly would be alright. Even if we couldn’t become a harmonious couple, in order to defend the territory, we could have fabricated a partnership that would have taken the name of “family.” And yet, in every life, I never could convey those words.

“Why?”

I wonder why I’ve fallen in love with Soleil. In those lives that kept repeating again and again, I also kept repeating this question again and again. Even though I knew I won’t receive an answer, without never ever coming to an end this doubt never get swept away. In that day in my childhood, in that moment, I remembered the sensation that appeared when our eyes met. No matter how many lives accumulated, no matter how much time passed, that emotion never faded. Rather than describing it as falling in love, it was more correct to say that something felt. If I dared name that event. If that hapless fate was the works of God.

Then it was exactly like a divine revelation.

No one would call this moment falling in love. I understood this well. But without doubts, I could say that my life started at the instant I met Soleil. In that unfamiliar place where I couldn’t hide how tensed I was, those almond eyes which slightly loosened as I was told “It’s alright”, “Don’t worry, it’s alright” while presenting me that small hand, I could never forget them. Even the tone of his voice seemed to be revived and echoed in my ears. At that moment, my heart started to beat out and time started to tick away. It was soft, but even now I could remember the sensation of that hand that grasped mine tightly. I could feel it right now as if it was being done this instant. If I curved my fingers, it felt as if I was holding his hand. Because his white skin suited his thin-iced eyes, I had imagined that it would feel like touching ice, but of course his hands hold warmth. My hand which had seldom been grasped by my parents, I remembered how he wrapped both of his hands around it.

Each time I recalled those fingertips that glided on the back of my hand to make me feel reassured, the words said by Soleil, “It’s alright,” had their importance increased and were transformed into something special. Receiving the unbearable heavy responsibility of the being the fiancé of the Marquis’s son, although sometimes it left me petrified, those words the young him said merely a few times, for better or worse, they gave me a push on the back.

“… Alright.”

In the dead silent library, only a few students remained. Surrounded by the bookshelves, large desks which allowed several people to sit down for studying were lined up in an orderly fashion, but during daytime there was enough room for me to sit alone on that shared desk. That’s why, even though we were in the same room, each person was sitting at a very distant position. The distance was such that it permitted me to speak to myself in a whisper. Even if my muttering voice was overheard, naturally, other people would not know what I was saying.

“It’s alright.”

I tightly clasped my trembling hands, repeating the words the Soleil of the past had told me. However, it felt exactly as if I was reciting a line in a story, it wasn’t accompanied by the slightest emotion. Even though the young me had certainly been rescued by those words. Even though those words always had pushed my back. Now, they had no meaning.

... ... "Say, what are your thoughts about separating two people who have feelings for each other?"

I suddenly recalled Saion’s words. Even if it has only been a few hours since then, it already seemed to have happened a very long time ago. Speaking of what I did after staying paralyzed, unable to say a single word back to him: I went to the afternoon class, wearing a composed expression as if nothing had happened. It was an expression of ignorance in order to pretend to be unaware of the rumors about Soleil and Silvia that were sure to come at me. If I didn’t know anything it meant I wouldn’t have to do anything, I averted my eyes from the behavior of my fiancé. Seeing me act like this, the students of the academy mocked me with smiles full of scorn, seemingly being waiting for the opportunity to taunt and make fun of me. They were surely waiting for the moment I would commit a blunder. Because there is no doubt that if it had been the me from not long ago, she would have marched straight into the groups which were amusing themselves with the gossips. So, I was only looking forward. Not hanging down my head and lowering my eyes was my small form of resistance. That was the only thing I could do. There was no way to correct my past behavior that I was guilty of. The me from the time when I was keeping in check every single woman who approached Soleil, was in fact trying to chase after myself. Now I must remain absolutely silent while avoiding any action that would stand out.

Those two were conspicuous. No matter what they were doing I could know without even having to ask anyone. But although I knew things would be like this, when I heard people say those two naturally looked good together, I couldn’t be help but be in low spirits.

Several seconds, several minutes, several hours. Increasing over time, an uneasiness similar to sorrow blocked my respiration. It’s painful. Incredibly and irremediably painful.

Even though I went to the same school, even though I was his fiancé, I had never been invented to have lunch together. This lunch time that had a different meaning from those compulsory luncheons we took turn to attend in each other estate, Silvia enjoyed them like it was something granted and natural. There was no way I wouldn’t feel anything about that. I was hurt, angry and sad. If it had been the me of the past… if it had been before that tea party, I probably would have drowned Silvia in jeers. Even though the one to blame wasn’t her. While I knew that, the brunt of my attacks was still directed at my little sister. The reason why it was like that was because women altogether were such creatures. But I knew very well how foolish such behavior was and presently I couldn’t act that way even by mistake. Moreover, if I were to raise my fist, I already knew what kind of reaction Soleil would show. He would be disgusted, then, with a glare mixed with disappointment and scorn, he would ask in a sigh, “Why do you not care about your little sister?”

There was no doubt that he had asked my such a question in one of my previous lives. Soleil expected me to behave like a kind older sister.

“… It’s alright, everything is fine.”

No, that, I decided to lie like that.

“… … Ilya-sama…?”

Just when the fingers of my tightened hands were digging into my palms, the voice that called out to me dispersed my thoughts. Golden hairs appeared at the corner of my field of vision, even without confirming her face I knew it was Marianne. No one else had such a magnificent color.

“… You haven’t gone home yet?”

That whispering voice sounded liked it was speaking to oneself. Suddenly, her line of sight dropped to my hands.

“So even you Ilya-sama, is reading that book?”

As if amazed by what she saw, Marianne gently narrowed her eyes and pulled a chair beside me to sit down. “I have a rendez-vous with him” She read the title and showed a sweet smile that looked very joyful.

“… Unexpected, isn’t it?”

That book that I’ve read many times since long ago, didn’t belong to the library but to me. Although the cover was plain, only stating the author’s name and the title, the year it was published it became a hot topic of conversation among the nobles’ daughters. Because it was such a well-known work, everyone knew at least its title.

“I only know the title and a little bit about the plot but… it is a story about the princess of the neighboring country and a knight falling in love, right?”

“Yes, that is the story.”

“Isn’t it a classic among love story? However, it feels more like a fantasy, a pipe dream… I cannot say it looks realistic…”

Marianne stopped her sentence here, tilted her head, and added in a laugh, “Ah, but if you like it, I apologize for my critics.” Although her words were disapproving of the novel, I knew there wasn’t any malice in them, so I shook my head at her excuse. Seeing this, she laughed once again.

“Ilya-sama, I thought you were a realist.”

“… A realist?”

“Someone who doesn’t have naïve dreams.”

The light of the setting sun flowing through the big window shone on her glittering hairs, dazzling my eyes. It was utterly impossible for my ashen hairs to shine like this.

“… I do not know the conclusion of this novel, but the main character surely meets a happy ending?”

“Yes, that is the case.”

When I nodded my head to confirm, Marianne made a troubled expression with her slender fingers supporting her chin.

“What is bothering you?”

“The princess falls in love with a knight from the neighboring country and finds happiness, doesn’t it mean that she became tied with the person she loved? But… you know… I really wonder if a princess marring a mere knight is a happy ending…”

That daughter of a middle ranked noble house who I found much more realist than me, heaved a sigh while she gave a smile mixed with a tinge of disgust. If we were to speak of court rank, her house was much closer to the high aristocracy than mine. She was tied down to her house, had to marry for political reasons and couldn’t run away, everything was the same as me. But the critical difference between us was the fact she was loved by her fiancé. For me, it was clearly this that seemed like a dream story.

“Also, the princess probably had… No, it’s possible that… the knight too, they both may have had fiancés, right?”

I wonder if such a character appears in that novel, said Marianne as her beautiful face showed a trace of grief. The main plot of this novel was how the princess was exiled from her home country due to a civil war and how the knight that was ordered to guard her by royal degree falls in love with her. Various obstacles stand between them, but at the end everything settle down and all is resolved in peace. They weren’t any unfortunate characters and the progression of the plot only gave some kind of vague concept of what coercion meant, but it seized the hearts of the nobles’ daughters. That’s why naturally, a character that should obviously have existed like the princess’s fiancé never shows up in the story. Even Saion had said it. No matter if love marriage were becoming the norm among common people, this won’t happen for nobles. All the more for royalty. If compared to the reality, it could be said to be very unnatural for neither the princess nor the knight to not have fiancés. But in the end, it was just a novel.

“… Oh, it is already this late? I have to go now.”

I unintentionally gazed at the elegant movements of Marianne as she smoothly got up without a sound. She, who had always been an existence opposite to mine in my previous lives, had become my friend now. When I observed her again after becoming more intimate, I understood how inferior I was to her. In front of her who, from her fingertips to the tips of her hairs, boasted the beauty of someone who was born in a noble family, from the depth of my hearts I felt embarrassed to have called her a rival.

“You know, Ilya-sama…”

About to pass beside me, Marianne suddenly stopped in her tracks.

“Even though I look like this, when I was a child I was a tomboy.”

She laughed in a dignified way and imagining this young lady as a tomboy was utterly impossible. When I looked up at her face with perplexity, she added as she gazed at my expression,

“When my fiancé was decided without me knowing about it, I threw a temper. I said that marrying someone whose face I didn’t even know was impossible.”

When I met him, I didn’t think I would love him, she continued with an unusual ridiculing smile.

“I also said quite a few very harsh things to him. I used the fact his house standing was lower than mine as a shield.”

However, said Marianne before shutting her mouth. Before long she heaved a deep sigh, a really unbelievable unladylike action for Marianne.

“I asked my mother about you, Ilya-sama.”

“About me?”

“Yes. You might not know, but my mother attended the tea parties organized by your mother several times.”

“… The tea parties…?”

“That is right. At that time, I happened to notice you.”

Nodding deeply, her gaze started to wander into the distance and she pursued, “Becoming the fiancé of the son of the marquis is… a great burden… I also understood that very well. Because I’m a noble too.” After saying so, she bent over me and grasped my hands. Softly, gently, she wrapped them up with her own hands. When my hands moved in a flutter trying to refuse her gesture, she still refused to let go.

“My mother told me. That I mustn’t be complacent and rest on my laurels just because I had a fiancé. That in order to stand beside him, I must pill up a lot of efforts.”

So, I stopped averting my eyes from my fiancé. She said that as her strong gaze shoot through me. And after that, I earnestly became his fiancé, she concluded with a small smile.

“… Marianne-sama.”

Unable to stay silent I called out to her, but after that words wouldn’t follow. I didn’t know what to say. When I wasn’t aware of it, someone was looking at me. That fact simply made me lose my words.

“… How much efforts you have been exerting, in truth, I have no idea. However, this situation where your existence is being neglected and ignored, I cannot tolerate it.”

When I dropped my sigh on those white fingers that were grasping me strongly, suddenly I lost my strength.

“… If there is any thing I can do, please, do not refrain from asking me.”

Receiving that supplicating gaze, for a second, I almost stretched out my hand. But even if I relied on her, I knew I couldn’t change this huge flow of ineluctable events. If it had been the first time then… No, if it had been the second or third time… then there was no doubt I would have taken her hand and do my utmost efforts to make Soleil face me. Actually, I might also have taken actions to keep Silvia away.

But at the moment I decided to make Silvia attend the academy, I was expecting a future like this. A future where Soleil prioritizes Silvia over me, a future where Silvia gains a much healthier body than before. And also, a future that leads to a daily life at the academy where they get close together. Everything was as I anticipated. When I took into account all my previous lives, it wasn’t difficult to make some prediction.

And despite everything, I still made that child go to the academy. It might be because I was still retaining some hope and I was betting on the one in a million chance that Soleil would prioritize me. In spite of all those negatives experiences, I was still hoping to hear him say one day that he would attach more importance to me than to that child. I let Silvia attend the academy and put a distance between Soleil and me, yet, I was still waiting for his hand. Truly, what a foolish person I was.

“…, No, Marianne-sama. I am alright.”

It’s alright. It’s fine. A youthful voice echoed in my ears, telling me this. I have to continue believing that everything was alright. Otherwise, like one of my past me, I will hang a rope around my own neck.

However, I have already noticed. That even something like a place to escape to, I lost it long, long ago.

The voice that kept repeating “I am alright” was faintly trembling. Anyone hearing it would understand that those words couldn’t be trusted. But Marianne only shook her head a little and did not say anything. Yet, her clear eyes became slightly blurred and she repeated the same words she had told me at the time Silvia had just enrolled in the academy, “Ilya-sama, you are truly very kind.” So, this time, I didn’t deny it clearly. In order to not make Silvia look like a bad person by mistake.

Silvia didn’t do anything wrong. That child just fell in love with Soleil, she wasn’t acting with the intention to rob him from me. I already decided to neither hate nor resent her. I may be jealous, I may be envious, but I won’t deceive and harm her.

That child was my lovely, little sister. I tried to say that.

But, the words wouldn’t come out of my lips, only a long sigh leaked out. My heart was about to be torn to pieces. My breath was about to stop, it was unbearable.

“Ilya-sama, a person cannot always maintain self-restrain. However, if it’s for the sake of someone who is important, I think that humans are creatures that can endure forever, for as much and as long it’s necessary.”

Reality was about to engulf me at any time. That’s why, to hide from that reality I concealed my breath and tightly closed my eyes. The time to wonder if I could do it well this time had already passed. I already had nothing left anymore.

… … Ilya-sama, for whom are you doing all this?

Marianne’s voice faintly blurred out and disappeared.

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