Published at 25th of August 2019 8:19 pm

Chapter 36: If this is the real end – 19

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Feeling a pain that made me wonder if my chest hadn’t been torn open, I was unable to stand and remained crouched on the ground. Apart from my sobbing, I couldn’t hear any other sound. Not even one. I didn’t even hear the sound of someone breathing or the rustling of clothes.

“… … Big sister?”

In this world devoid of sound, these muttered words especially stood out. At first I thought it was my imagination, but I certainly heard a lovely voice called out once again “Sister.” When I looked up, who knew since when she had been here, Silvia was standing in front of the opened door.

“Big sister, what happened?”

Did she willfully open the door without waiting for permission, or did the maid felt a presence and opened it to check the corridor? Anyway, before I knew it, my little sister was here and was now about to enter the room.

“Silvia, do not come in. Return to your own room.”

Father ordered her with a strict expression that he probably had never shown to Silvia before. I thought that Silvia would undoubtedly be frightened, but she didn’t, she simply looked at me with a titled head and a stupefied expression. This girl who had never been reprimanded by our parents and who, no matter what she did, would at most by offered a candid advice, seemed like she never ever thought she could become the target of someone’s anger. And so, ignoring father’s words, she entered the room without hesitation. Ignoring it like it was the most natural thing to do, she didn’t pay any mind to the words of the man who, despite being our father, was also the master of an earl house. It’s something that would be impossible for a nobleman’s daughter, but it seemed it did not apply to Silvia. “Silvia, you mustn’t,” Mother’s words also didn’t have any considerable effect.

Silvia didn’t pay them any heed and walked straight toward me. She looked down on me who was basking in the faint light that came through the windows of this wide room. The sun had already set, so the light that came from outside was only the frail light from the moon and the stars. Although today was such a terrible day, the night sky was cleared up and serene, completely cloudless.

“… … Don’t approach her.”

Father gave a command with a voice lower than earlier, but he wasn’t looking at Silvia, he was looking at me. The one who was approaching was Silvia and yet, these words weren’t destined to her.

If you touched something beautiful and ephemeral, it’ll break.

So, was he saying that a person like me wasn’t allowed to approach her? My throat made a strange noise several times, so I grasped it tightly with both hands wondering what happened. Then, I realized it was my weeping sounds. I wanted to ask him why he said that, but the words wouldn’t come out. At that moment,

“Why?”

Silvia crouched down and looked up at father. Because she was sitting in front of me, her untied silver hairs were softly swaying in front of my eyes.

“Why can’t I come father? Isn’t big sister crying?”

“Silvia, it’s fine so get away. To begin with, why did you come here?”

“Today is the day of my medical examination. Did you forgot? The doctor was examining me in my room, but Maurice came to call him. I thought you might be sick, but he said it was for an injury so……”

“… I see, I understand. You came to see what happened.”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“You are a nice child.”

“But, why?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why don’t you hurry and treat big sister? Since a while now, the doctor was waiting in the corridor.”

“…”

“Rather, shouldn’t she have been examined before me? Say, what happened? Father?”

“Silvia,”

Bending her knees, my little sister slid toward me and closed the distance between us, abruptly extending her hand.

“Don’t touch her!”

“Do not touch me…!”

Father and I exclaimed at almost the same time. But as expected, Silvia didn’t show the slightest hesitation and wrapped her arms around my shoulders. I tried to twist my body but she restricted me with a strength I would never have thought her frail body possessed. It was a gentle but firm grip that didn’t permit me to resist. I noticed the arm I had injured hadn’t any strength left in it.

“Why? Why mustn’t I? Father? Mother you too, why? Why are you not saying anything? See how big sister is crying. Moreover, she is hurt. There is a lot of blood. Why? Why are you leaving it like this? Why are you staying still?”

She kept repeating “Why, why?” like a child, with doubts and incomprehension mixed in her voice.

“You are even bleeding from your lips… Did someone … hit you? Say, Ilya. What on earth happened?”

Father and mother both wouldn’t answer. They simply looked at Silvia in silence while making difficult expressions. Seeing them like this, she must have thought we wouldn’t make any progress. So this time, she peered at my face and questioned me instead.

“Silvia,”

“… Yes, what?”

When I called her name, her purple eyes narrowed and softened. There were bright eyes like those of a kitten. She might have made this expression to make me feel relieved. But Silvia’s temperament was also like this to begin with. It may be that because she had been raised with love while being protected and treasured, in the same way, she could love, protect and cherish others too. She would do it selflessly, without hoping for a reward. My little sister always reached out her hands without the slightest hesitation. In my lives that repeated, that accumulated, Silvia had done that so many times. The first one had been the incident in the stables. You could say that this incident which only lasted a few seconds, was what decided my actions afterwards. It was the day I decided I wanted to cherish my little sister. At that time… … when the horse’s hoof was closing on me, I remembered there was a maid beside me, and behind us there was also the chamberlain. They were standing much more closer than Silvia who was just passing by. But, when I tripped and the frightened horse neighed and rose his hoof, at that moment the only person who moved to save me had been Silvia. If something had happened to me, both the maid and the chamberlain would have had to bear the responsibility. All the persons serving a noble should have that resolution. But even knowing this, at that moment, they couldn’t react at once, they couldn’t make the decision. … … The decision to save me. If it had been someone who was more experienced to some extent, they might not have made the same decision. Since there was a possibility they would get dragged in it themselves, it wasn’t strange for them to try to avoid it. Even I understood this way of thinking wasn’t wrong. The fact that Silvia had stepped forth before me without hesitation at that moment, was simply because she was very young and couldn’t correctly assess the situation. Actually, we were saved by the stable boy who pulled on the bridle, Silvia hadn’t concretely saved me. Still, this child never stopped reaching out her hands for me.

In one of my lives when I was brought to a brothel, my little sister had tried to track me down. A few years had passed since I had eloped from the estate. During that time, Al told me she was always looking for me. Even after she became part of the marquis’ house, I think she kept her eyes opened for any clues with great devotion. As I was already on the verge of death, I couldn’t make a normal judgement, but her gentleness felt like something unnecessary. Sometimes, I remembered the kind hand of my little sister. When I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night, my little sister was sitting at the bedside, knitting. When our eyes met, she smiled and whispered she had been worried because my fever was high. Hearing her kind voice, she overlapped with mother’s figure. Even though she wasn’t a person who would speak with this tone, it felt like mother was sitting there. Even though the person in question never came to see me even at my very last moments.

The father and mother whom I shared blood with, always quickly gave up one me, forsook me. Yet, my little sister who was only a half-sibling, never abandoned me.

Even after seeing my shabby appearance when I was reduced to being a prostitute, the only one who didn’t frown in unease and disapproval was my little sister. It was Soleil who restrained that child who tried to reach out to me without hesitation.

“Silvia, Silvia, I… cherish you.”

“Yes, I know.”

I had explained to Crow that the fact she was my love rival wasn’t a reason to not cherish her. Even now this emotion hadn’t changed.

“But I, took the bottles containing the tea that’s precious to you.”

“… Is that so?”

My little sister hugged me in her arms, her hand stroking my back. She repeated the same gesture again and again, very gently. “Why?” she asked me and in her voice there wasn’t any blame. She was simply asking me a question. At mother’s funeral, my little sister had said I wasn’t the kind of person who would do that. She had screamed it while here whole body was shaking. The only words that left her pale lips were words that said how much she believed in me. She seriously seemed to believe in my innocence.

“Ilya, stop.” The person who tried to stop the sobbing me to confess was mother. Over Silvia’s shoulder, I saw her brushed away the quilt and try to get up. I wondered if she was about to come here. Lending a hand to mother, father ordered in a powerful tone, “Ilya, get away from Silvia.” He might have known I brought out the tea from Silvia’s room. In a daze, I silently stared at my parents’ figures as they were joining hands. Even now, I still didn’t fully understand what was their relation, what was between them. Until mother killed herself, I had not doubt they were two persons tied up by love, an affectionate couple. And I dreamed to become like them.

“Big sister, why? Why did you take my things?”

Not paying any attention to our parents, Silvia asked me again. Mother let out a silent exclamation.

“…. … Because, it’s unfair.”

What leaked out of my mouth were words even I myself completely didn’t expect to say.

“… I mean, why? Why, why… is it always you, Silvia? Why is it always only Silvia?”

Being loved by our parents, being chosen by Soleil, being able to grasp happiness. Why was it always only Silvia? Also…

“Sister?”

Until the very end, the person who never abandoned me, was also my little sister. Even I had resigned myself to this life and yet, my little sister always tried to rescue me with her pure and holly heart. It’s true that she also betrayed me. I remembered well Silvia’s appearance, her face that had lost colors, when she was pregnant with Soleil’s child. But above anything else, my little sister kept extending her hands to me. No matter how many times life repeated and the same moment piled up, each time, she tried to extend her hand. And then, I, no matter how many times I repeated my life, I lost that little sister. “I’m glad I’m your little sister,” was a sentenced said long, long ago. The person who had said it wasn’t the child standing in front of me now.

“Stop this immediately! Ilya!”

Mother who raised her voice grasped my arms. But Silvia talked back, “The one who need to stop is you, mother!” Mother faltered due to this fierce manner of speaking. It was surely the first time Silvia had opposed her.

“Isn’t my big sister crying…”

When I looked at her face, Silvia was also shedding tears.

“Why is nobody helping her… !!”

The gentle Silvia. My lovely little sister. Yet, that child had stolen my most precious thing. I wanted to love her. I wanted to. I understood I should, I had to love that child. I mean, she was my one and only little sister. If we could take each other hands, I was sure life would become wonderful.

As if tearing off her shaking fingers from me, mother quietly released my arms.

“… … Silvia, I intended to cherish you.”

“Big sister?”

“Always, I’ve always meant to do that.”

“What happened to you?”

“But, I can’t.”

I cupped the little face of Silvia in my hands. My right hand wet in blood dirtied her face in red.

“I… cannot, love you.”

I recalled the thoughts mother spat out at the moment of her death, her real thoughts. When she told me she couldn’t love me even once, she spat out blood as if it was a great sin.

I thought of my mother who said she couldn’t love in front of the daughter she should have loved.

I thought of my mother who couldn’t hold out her hand in front of the daughter she should have embraced. I was probably the same.

“I am sorry, Silvia… I’m sorry, I can’t, love you.”

My throat made a loud sobbing sound.

“I cannot… bring myself to love you…”

Looking at her in the eyes, at the moment I told her so, the depth of my throat became blocked by a clot of blood. You tried to give me a deep affection, but also robbed everything away from me. A drop of light floating in Silvia’s purple eyes turned into a tear and slid down on her cheek. These beautiful eyes of her always seemed to be swirling in sadness. Her slightly pursed lips shivered. Reaching for my own hand still lingering on her cheek, she wrapped it up in her own small hand and whispered. With a voice so helpless it seemed it would melt in the air, she said,

“I know that.”

I know that since a long time ago.

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