Published at 1st of September 2019 11:06 pm

Chapter 6

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I did not know how long I slept for. When I woke, I was already on a bed, and I was glad that Gao Fei did not abandon me in the car. My mind was in a daze, and the first thing I did upon waking up was to search for my medication. I flipped open the box, and without taking a sip of water, swallowed the capsules whole.

Actually, my medicines were easy to find. I did not hide them away like a precious treasure to be buried. Instead, I placed them all in the drawer by my bedside. If one were to bend down and open the first shelf of the cupboard, they would be greeted with an entire shelf full of it.

My mind was a little strange. I did not wish for Gao Fei to discover them, but a part of me also hoped that he would find them, for it would at least show that he cared for me. So, I remained conflicted, struggling between my two polarising wishes. Yet with the passing of time, I soon understood that my internal turmoil was for naught. Gao Fei would never discover them, for he had never willingly touched any of my possessions.

As I had not brushed my teeth nor drunk any water, after I ate my medicine, my mouth was filled with a bitter taste. I left my bed, washed up, then start to look for Gao Fei. But even after I searched the entire house for him, I was still unable to find him. Only then did I realise that the hours had long passed, and Gao Fei must have already left for work.

Except, even after evening rolled around, Gao Fei still did not return. I held my phone within my hands, my heart anxious. I did not know if Gao Fei had met with an accident or otherwise, so I continued to call him, over and over. Finally, after a dozen calls, my call connected.

‘Gao Fei, where are you? Why aren’t you home?’ Hurriedly, I blurted the questions which had been tormenting my heart, wishing with my entire soul to be by his side at this very moment.

It was clear that Gao Fei was irritated. With a voice full of exasperation, he said, ‘Since when did I tell you I was coming home?’

I was about to say something when I heard a woman’s voice echo from within the phone.

She said, ‘Fei, why have you come?’

I did not need to guess who that voice belonged to. It belonged to Gao Fei’s first love, the other half of the pair of lovers which I had painstakingly broken apart. But I knew that this was not the time to be calculative, so I chose not to act in the ways often shown in television, to slam the phone with a bang. Instead, I forced myself to remain oblivious, pretending I had not heard a thing as I continued to speak gently with Gao Fei.

But how could I have forgotten?

I was willing to continue the conversation, but it did not mean that the other party was also willing. With a click, Gao Fei ended the call.

For two weeks, he did not return.

I held onto my phone as I curled up on the sofa. My vision blurred as I stared out of the windows to look at the darkening skies, the golden sunset slowly eclipsed by the blackness of the night.

But no matter how I searched, within the reflection, there was only my shadow.

***

5th April. Sunny.

This year’s Qingming Festival was better than last year’s. I remembered that last year, on this Tomb-Sweeping Day where I paid my respects to my father, the skies had been drizzling with fine rain. This year, several people had arrived to sweep the tombs of their ancestors, but my father’s tomb remained desolate. I did not bring any chrysanthemum flowers. Instead, I brought the sunflowers which he had loved.

I placed the flowers down, swept his tomb, then cleaned his tombstone. I was deeply engrossed with my work. I thought that this was the best I had ever been in attending to my father’s tomb.

Perhaps, on this day in the coming year, I would be buried deep within the grounds beside my father.

Other than that, I also requested a favour from Chu Yun. I hoped that every year, no matter if he were a wealthy man or in dire straits, he would still come to sweep my father’s tomb on this day.

I had not left the cemetery when my phone rang. As I glanced at the screen, I saw that it was Gao Fei, and was immediately elated, thinking to myself that Gao Fei was finally going to acknowledge my presence.

Only, I had just opened his message when I finally understood what it felt like for your entire world to collapse around you. I hurried for Gao Fei’s company, but I had not even made it out of the cemetery when I collapsed.

***

I remember I had a very long dream. Within the dream, Gao Fei had returned. He said to me that he had forgiven me, but as I drew close to him, abruptly, I realised that this was all an illusion. With that, the Gao Fei of my dreams vanished.

Even now, Gao Fei still had not forgiven me.

In my fright, I awoke. As I uncovered my blankets, I quickly clambered off the bed, my bare feet landing on the cold floor.

‘Gao Fei.’

Where was he? I wanted to see him. I took out my phone and read his message over and over. Yes, that was right. Gao Fei said that he had been allocated to a post in another province. With this departure, he would be gone for two years.

I did not care how I looked. I stood, hurrying out of the hospital room, startling the nurses and the doctors.

By my ears, someone said worriedly, ‘Miss, your body is unwell and you cannot be discharged yet. We still have to conduct a series of examinations on you. Please accommodate us by informing your family about your treatments.’

My mind was in a blank.

Even the nurse had said that I needed my family. But if Gao Fei left, what family would I have left?

The only thing I wanted to do now was to find Gao Fei.

If I had really done wrong, I could change.

If he didn’t want me to meet his parents, then I would never see them again, especially since I had only planned to visit them once.

As I shoved and stumbled my way out of the hospital, I eventually arrived at the ground floor of Gao Fei’s company. I took out my phone. With trembling hands, I dialled his number, telling him that I was waiting for him at the ground floor.

Gao Fei was unhappy. But I threatened him, and he had no choice but to meet me.

I found a coffeehouse nearby and bought a drink before taking a seat. I needed to be calm; I needed to think of how I should broach the topic with Gao Fei later; I needed to know how I could convince him to change his mind.

I knew that I was pathetic. To sweep my father’s tomb, I had dressed in funeral clothes, clothed entirely in black from head to toe. Because I had fainted on the cemetery grounds, mud clung to my clothes, and after I had slept for a few hours in the hospital, my hair was also in a mess.

I could feel the strange looks from the waiters, so I hurriedly tried to arrange my clothes, smoothing out the creases. I had not finished my drink when Gao Fei arrived.

It had been days since I had last seen him. At that moment, as I saw him walk towards me, without reason, I started to cry, my tears flowing down my face. Without a handkerchief, I could only use the corner of my sleeves to wipe away my tears.

Anxiously, I asked, ‘Your company is dispatching you to another province?’

‘En.’ Gao Fei ordered a glass of orange juice and sat down facing me.

‘You will be gone for two years?’

‘Yes.’ Gao Fei did not hesitate in his answer, and the resolution in his voice made my heart seize in panic.

Desperately, I organised my thoughts in my heart, then said, ‘Will she also be going?’

Gao Fei stared at me for a long moment. At last, he turned his head away and said, ‘Do you think you have the right to ask such a question?’

I did not answer, my tears blurring my vision, beyond my control. I continued to sip at my drink, and perhaps Gao Fei was unaccustomed to seeing me in such a miserable and wretched manner, for he eventually said, ‘You can rest assured. I will remain faithful to you when I’m gone, and I will also return to your side after two years. Our marriage will not be threatened, and I will continue to let it go on until the day we die.’

‘I didn’t mean it this way, Gao Fei. I only wanted you to delay it for half a year.’

‘Do you think this is something I applied for at my own whims?’

I was at a loss for words, andcontinued to drink my drink until there was nothing left.

At last, Gao Fei’s voice sounded from above my head.

‘Give me a reason. He Yujin, give me just one reason to delay my departure.’ His voice was serious.

I searched my mind for an answer, but no matter how I searched, there was only one reason.

‘Gao Fei, you know that I love you.’ I heard my voice whisper.

Gao Fei looked at me for a long moment. Then, he said, ‘I know. I’ve known this from the day we married. But so what?’

It was time for him to return to work. After he said these words, he turned to leave.

I sat frozen in my seat. Only when Gao Fei’s figure disappeared beyond my vision did I suddenly jolt awake. I jumped up from my seat and chased him all the way to the roads, by the traffic lights of the pedestrian crossing.

As I clung onto his arm, my fingernails dug into his flesh, yet my voice was unbearably quiet. I said, ‘Gao Fei, today is Qingming Festival.’

Today is already a day of grief for me; please don’t deepen my misery.

Gao Fei met my gaze, as though waiting for me to explain.

‘Today is the first Qingming Festival since my father passed away. Gao Fei, apart from him, you are the only family I have left.’

I only wish for six months of your life. For a healthy person, six months could not be considered much, but this was also the last six months I would possess.

In the face of death, I was not afraid. Instead, what I feared was to spend the last of my days alone.

I struggled to arrange my words, hoping to be able to convey my deepest wishes. At last, I whispered, ‘I only want you to delay for half a year.’

Yet it seemed as though Gao Fei was no longer willing to continue discussing this topic with me. He broke free from my grip, and took a huge step forward. I stared at his back as he turned to leave, a wave of exhaustion landing heavily on me.

So, my princess mentality reared its ugly head once more.

I said, ‘You know of my wealth and power. I have the means to make you cancel this trip.’

Gao Fei was angered. He clenched his jaw, the veins on his forehead prominent as his eyes drilled into mine. ‘You can try,’ he said. ‘He Yujin, take a good look at what you have left to threaten me with.’

The moment his words fell from his lips, he strode off, decisively, furiously. He did not realise that the traffic lights which were green a moment ago were now red.

I knew that sometimes, things happened. As my body was slammed by a crushing force, I was tossed through the air, landing heavily on the grounds. Darkness fractured my vision, but even as my consciousness faded away, I saw the intense red of my blood which spilled across the road, reminiscent of the red threads of destiny, intertwining Gao Fei’s life with mine.

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