Published at 21st of January 2023 2:42 am

Chapter 263: 135 Gaw: Dicking around in a Guild

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Quasi yawned tiredly as he walked along the early morning streets. Not that you could tell it was morning, what with the lack of any actual sunlight. The only way you could tell it was morning was by the lights covering the top of the cavern. When they are lit, then the sun is out.

“So Molucca, why even have a day and night cycle if most of you troggy dwarves don’t even go outside?”

The dwarf looks up at the skylight. He strokes his beard thoughtfully, and then shrugs.

“No idea. When Johnson enchanted the entire city, he enchanted artificial light.”

“Wait… Mr. Dick Fetish enchanted everything?”

Molucca snorts at the name. “He did. It took him hundreds of years to enchant the city, but he eventually did. All the permanent art on the ceiling, ground, and many of the older buildings were created and enchanted by him. There’s him now.” He raises a hand and points at a towering sculpture in front of the Bards’ Guild.

An amalgamation of hundreds of detailed dicks twine together into a throne, and on that throne sits a grinning dwarf man, leaning back with a leg lifted and his crotch revealed for all to see. It is so far the most detailed erotic sculpture Quasi has ever seen in his entire life (even counting the ones of himself back on Earth). The [Gentlemen] unwillingly doffs his hat to the sculpture in a sign of grudging respect.

“Well, I’ll say this, the man has some serious dedication.” Quasi taps the ground, “Enchanting the city and connecting everything together is hella impressive. Though, I do wonder what this enchantment on the floor does.”

Molucca frowns, “It’s just a decorated floor. It’s not enchanted.”

Quasi raises an eyebrow, “Um, it is enchanted. Granted, the enchantment is dormant, but it’s enchanted and connected throughout the city.”

The dwarf looks at the detailed artistry on the ground. He circles around and frowns.

“You sure? It looks like it’s just sculpted stone.”

“That just speaks of Dick Fetish’s exceptional skill. Making art that also functions is something even I would struggle to do.”

Molucca slowly nods. “What do you think the enchantment does?”

Quasi shrugs, “No idea. It’s too big to tell.”

The dwarf raises a thumb and points at the towering golden erection that is the Bards Guild. “Then we should go inside and ask.”

As Quasi nears the entrance, the golden double doors open on their own as though they had been expecting him. Quasi contemplates them with poorly masked disappointment. When they cross the threshold, the polished floor bursts into an aurora of light around them and a ring sounds out into the room.

“The fuck?” asks Quasi.

Quasi peers around the room through his personal aurora. The floor glows under the feet of each of the several dozen other people in the room, albeit much less brightly than his personal light field.

All eyes turn to Quasi, then quickly look away as he becomes the center of attention. When he glances at Molucca, the dwarf has a shit-eating grin on his face.

“Are you gonna just keep grinning or will you enlighten me?”

Still grinning, the dwarf waves his hand to the growing crowd of much less glowy floor. “The floors in this building light up based on your [Bard] level, and it looks like you outlevel every [Bard] here by a wide margin.”

Quasi frowns as more and more [Bards] rush into the entrance hall with great interest. He studies the motley group that has grouped to study him. Some are, indeed, in motley, some are in suit and tails, several more wear smocks, not a few wear pajamas, a cohort wears lingerie, a select few wear even less, and each and every one of them carries a tool of their trade.

“I’m guessing the high pitched ring was to announce my entrance?”

The grinning dwarf continues grinning.

Through separate doors, yet simultaneously, three dwarves with blazing auras walk enter the hall. At their mere blinding presence, the onlookers step aside so they can freely pass.

__________________________________

When I spoke to Madam Chanel, she’d explained that the Bards’ Guild is an academy to train [Bards] to a level high enough to survive and excel in the world. The school has three colleges, each led by an extremely high level and experienced [Bard] dedicated to the art they teach. These three [Bards], together, are the masters of the guild, but not themselves [Guildmasters].

The three bright and glowy dwarves rush in front of me… and then they kneel.

“Quasi Eludo, we have been expecting you.” they say in harmony.

Around us, the rest of the [Bards] also kneel, each according to their proclivity.

When I glance at Molucca, the dwarf is no longer grinning. He looks very confused.

“Um… stand?”

The three stand as one. Three bearded dwarf men stare at me intensely. One carries several instruments around their person, another carries tools, and a third is only wearing pants.

“How may we assist you, Great One?” the shirtless one asks eagerly.

This is fucking weird. They know my name, they know my class, and they knew I was coming here. If not for Molucca’s genuinely surprised expression, I’d think he set me up.

“Well, first, how about you three introduce yourselves and explain what you do.”

“Allow me to begin,” the dwarf with three harmonicas on his belt, a guitar at his side, a flute on his waist, and a massive tuba on his back steps forward. “We are the ‘Members’, the highest ranking [Bards] of this academy. I am Member Schlong, dean of the conservatory. I teach aspiring bards how to use their instruments.”

The next dwarf steps forward, a muscular man wearing a pocketed apron filled with chisels and picks of every shape and size, and a large belt holding hammers of different styles. “I am Member Willy, master of the masons. I teach [Bards] how to think, plan, and realize their visions from the rock.”

The final and mostly naked dwarf steps forward. He grins excitedly as he assesses me and finds what he sees quite favorable. “I’m Member Shaft, leader of the fucking faction. I teach aspiring [Bards] how to fuck, who to fuck, when to put it in, when to pull out, all the coital variations that fucking entails.” he explains confidently. “Not that you need training on that end, what with all the amazing fucking you’ve been doing.”

I raise an eyebrow, “Sounds like you know about my personal life.”

Shaft snorts, “Everyone here knows about your personal fucking life. We’re [Bards], and we keep track of [Bards] doing the most impossible [Bardic] things.“

He raises a hand with extended fingers and starts counting down.

“Fucking a [Bandit Princess] and turning her into a [Queen]. Ravaging a [Lady] and impregnating her. Scoring with an [Empress] and becoming her [Emperor]. Mating the [Pirate Archqueen] and her [First Mate] and getting both pregnant…”

“Wait…,” I interject, “they’re pregnant?”

Shaft smiles and nods as though what I’d done is the pinnacle of complete victory.

“Yes, the [Pirates] aboard the Queen’s Gambit discovered both Bhumi and Tueta have missed their periods! Now we only need to wait for the public announcement.”

I rub my temples in annoyance. Somehow, some way, I keep finding myself getting into bed with women I probably shouldn’t.

“Well, hopefully the rumors don’t spread too fast, otherwise I’m probably going to get flogged by a repressed and jealous woman.

Shaft perks up, “Kinky.”

“Said whips are barbed,” I add.

Shaft licks his lips excitedly. “Dangerously kinky. The best kind to get your blood going.”

I roll my eyes at the aroused dwarf. I shift my focus to Willy and Schlong. “I was told that you have a sanctum to all the major gods here?”

Schlong nods. “There is one. It’s in the back of the architecture wing of this building. Member Willy can take you there after your acceptance.”

“Acceptance?”

“Why yes, you’re a [Bard] not affiliated with the guild. You’ll have to enroll before you can freely traverse these halls.”

I groan. “More bureaucratic crap?”

“It will be quick since you can skip the audition.”

I sigh, “Fine. Fine. Let’s get this over with. I have plans tonight.”

_________________________________________

“So, Willy, you seem to be the most subdued of the three members.” Quasi asks Willy as they traverse the wing of the guild dedicated to masonry.

Willy trails his hand on the carved stone walls. “The rock rewards patience and perseverance. Schlong’s musicians play and sing, but all they leave behind is a memory. Shaft and his disciples chase after a single, ephemeral moment of pleasure, yet the life they conceive is an afterthought. But my art lasts. Everything I make right and everything I make wrong will last beyond the memory of the men. The songs I’ve carved into the rocks will still be sung by every breath of wind even after men are gone.”

“What about volcanoes?” Moluca asks.

Willy shakes his head, “If you’re someplace that unstable, then you’ve already made a mistake. A good [Bard] must learn to practice their art where their art can be appreciated. Whether they’re pounding drums or rocks or pussy, my training will teach them how to think, plan, and strategize to get the result they want.”

Willy looks at the walls of the wing as they pass through. Every inch is carved, and not all of it with dicks. Bas-reliefs fill wide panels, statues peek out of alcoves, fluted columns sport flying buttresses, the classical mingled with the gothic and flirting with the baroque. The hall itself is a silent testament to the many sculptors who have walked there, a mad mash of history and whimsy.

“But to make those plans, a [Bard] must be diverse. They must know sex to be sensual, music to make a song, pain for pathos, victory for vainglory, peace for the pastoral. The world carves the [Bard] so the [Bard] can sculpt the world. And in the end, that art becomes survival. Where a [Warrior]’s sword fails, and a [Magician]’s spells unravel, the [Bard] still sees and chooses and acts in the face of disaster and hardship that would reave the souls of other men.”

“I agree.” Quasi nods, “the more diverse you are, the more options are available. Though, I honestly think nobody can be an artist till they’re on the other side of madness. The lifetime I spent gibbering did wonders for my voice.”

Willy starts laughing. A grin forms on the veterans face as the group arrives at the end of the wing. A sturdy door made of wood now stands before them. “Absolutely.” He quickly turns the handle and opens a door to what ascertains a massive circular library. “Creativity is the flip side of insanity. But if you know nothing, you can express nothing. The more you know, the more you can say. Madness is a crutch, though a useful one. The real strength is knowledge.” he continues grinning as he walks inside a nearly empty library. Only two student [Bards] are present and in the midst of study. They glance away from their books to eye Willy before returning back to their studies.

“Doesn’t seem like they take your teaching to heart,” Molluca comments.

Willy sighs defeatedly. “Yes. [Bards] prefer to study how to serenade and fuck things instead of learning about acoustics and lineages.”

“So this is a mundane library.” Quasi comments.

“It is.” he raises a hand and points to a door at the back signed ‘Hall of the Divines’, “through that door is a sanctum to each god. We use it to teach students about the gods, but nobody really goes in there.”

Quasi nods. “Well, I guess I’m going inside. Do you two mind staying here?”

They nod and Quasi walks to the end of the library. He opens the door and enters.

The Hall of the Divines is indeed a hallway, a long circular hallway with a single statue to each god, all in alphabetical order. Quasi walks past the eyes of gods as he traverses through caked dust. Eventually, he reaches the H alphabet, swearing he passes Hades, Hecate, Hel, Helius, Hephaestus, and finally arrives in front of Hermes.

“Hermes, you there?”

The air swirls with a slight breeze and a pop. Seemingly from nothing, the god of transport comes into existence in all his energetic glory. He sneezes in the dust.

“Q-q-q-q-uasi, you’re done! You finished!”

Quest: “Return the child, Augustus, to his Mother.” completed.

You are now a level 227 [Hero]

“Yes, I did. It wasn’t easy, though. Do I get anything other than levels?”

Hermes paces to Quasi’s left, then the right, then back to where he was standing all in the time it takes to blink.

“Yes.”

Hermes stares at Quasi and Quasi stares back. The two stare at each other in silence for a good ten seconds.

“So, wh-”

[Messenger of the Wind] Rank 1 Blessing (Hermes) has been removed.

New blessing Rank 7 [Wings of Transport] has been added.

Once a day, greatly increase the range limit and reduce the cost of a transport based skill

“Woah. That’s crazy. Does it work on eve- you alright?”

Hermes’ body fizzles like weak reception, his form grows blurry.

“D-d-d-d-ificult. Blessing is costly. Need recharge.” his form grows blurrier as the jittery god frowns. “Play the Uaithne a-and return the Holy Grail. G-good luck.” he smiles at Quasi as his body disperses back to the realm of gods.

New Quest Obtained: “Play the Uaithne and return the Holy Grail.”

Quasi blinks, alone once again. He checks his legs and finds that the feathers have risen all the way up to his thigh.

“Really? You’re just going to give me a cryptic quest and then disappear?”

He stares at the empty air and frowns.

“The fuck is a Uaithne?”

___________________________________________

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