Published at 25th of March 2019 11:07 pm

Volume 11: Chapter 1: Awakening of this Lolicon NEET

Part 1

It was as though a quake had struck the militant nation Belzerg that day.

The princess of this nation which bordered the demon king’s territory returned home with the title of ‘Dragon Slayer’.

-Having been Iris’ bodyguards during the excursion to the neighboring nation Elroad, we were involved in a variety of events.

It all began with our request for funds to resist the demon king army, which developed into the series of gambles with the prince, and ended with the dragon subjugation.

In the very end, we discovered that the prime minister of Elroad was actually a doppelganger that had infiltrated their ranks, and saved the nation from an imminent crisis.

Although all I did was play with the prince using fraudulent gambles… Well, strictly by results, one could say I have done a great deal.

The greatest problem, Iris’ engagement, was also resolved.

I suppose this would be the time to say ‘and they all lived happily ever after’, but…

“Well done Kazuma‑dono, I have truly misunderstood you! What you’ve achieved this time was far beyond my expectations!”

After returning to the castle with Iris, we were sent to the audience room where we reported the results of this journey. After that, I was greeted by the white-suited lady, Claire, whose eyes glimmered in excitement.

In a rare moment of understanding, everyone else waited patiently behind me.

“No, this was all due to Iris’ hard work. I only did a few things to assist her.”

“Such humility… To be honest, I wouldn’t have cared if the funds were completely cut as long as Iris‑sama’s engagement was called off. With that in mind, for you to manage to get the funding whilst also voiding the engagement, as well as saving Elroad from a desperate situation to get them to owe us a favor is…!”

Moved so much that her voice became shrill , she continued to speak her heart out.

“Claire! Which is more important, my engagement or the nation’s funding!? If we weren’t able to get these funds, then we wouldn’t be able to fight against the demon king army, you know!?”

“Of course the matter of your engagement is more important, Iris‑sama. As long as you are safe, the demon king army can do whatever they—OWOWOW! Iris‑sama, have you become more violent since returning!?”

Iris had pounced her, holding Claire, who writhed in pain, in an iron grip. As Claire continued to struggle, she said to the four of us.

“Either way, it’s a job well done. You can have whatever you like for your rewards, just name it.”

Claire, who spoke to us in all seriousness, continued to be constricted by the hold. Her face seemed to redden by the second, but I could feel a little bit of happiness in her expression.

Well then, what about the reward?

Now that I think about it, she’s completely infatuated by Iris, so she could be called a like-minded comrade of sorts.

“Didn’t we already decide on the reward?”

Claire seemed to have a moment of realization as I said that. It seems like she remembered about our agreement before I left previously.

As a reward for voiding the engagement between Iris and the prince, Claire would tell me all about Iris’ childhood.

It was just a little agreement, but…

“Now that I think about it, that is the case Kazuma‑dono… Let me treat you all to a banquet to commend your efforts then . I shall give you your reward then, Kazuma‑dono.”

Claire seems to have understood my intent.

“I won’t let you sleep tonight, alright?”

“Eh-!?” x3

As everyone other than Aqua and I reacted with a surprised shout, I smiled to myself.

“—What’s up with this chick, she can’t drink at all!”

The banquet had only begun for about ten or so minutes.

Despite that, Claire was already teeter-tottering after drinking about half a cup of alcohol.

The venue of the banquet seemed like it would be quite to the liking of Japanese people who had come from another world. Although it was still a bit off, the floor was made of tatami-like mats, and it was decorated in a way that would give the impression of a Japanese room.

“Uuuh, Kazuma-dono, m-, my apologies…”

Claire, who had quickly been brought down by the alcohol, pressed towards me and muttered her apologizes with a flushed face.

Although she may be a pervert that loved little girls, she definitely looked the part of a noble lady.

To be honest, having a girl pressing their upper body against you whilst sitting cross-legged was not a bad feeling at all.

If I had to describe it, it would be like having a pretty onee-san fall asleep on your shoulder on the train.

“Since when did Onii-sama and Claire get along so well?”

With a cup of juice in hand, Iris approached the two of us with a hint of irritation in her .

“Oh, what is it Iris? Are you jealous? It’s alright, onii-chan’s type is beautiful and busty onee-sans. So…”

“………”

Huh, I suppose that Claire’s appearance would more or less be my type then…

Under Iris’ speechless stare, I fell silent.

Before long, Iris pushed to take a seat in between Claire and I, and let Claire doze off on her lap.

Claire will probably regret getting drunk now.

Iris stroked Claire’s hair, and without raising her head, she said-

“Onii-sama, what do you plan on doing after this banquet? Are you going back to Axel so soon?”

Although it appeared that she was muttering to herself, it seemed like she wanted to confirm my future plans.

“Hmm, now that you ask… Recently, I’ve been doing nothing but subjugating evil gods and being your bodyguard. So I think it’s about time to take a good long break.”

It’s about time? Usually, it’d be more correct to say that ‘it’s about time to go on adventure’…

“If you’d like to take a rest, couldn’t you do it here? There are a lot of empty rooms, and you’re also in no rush to head home, right?”

Iris continued to face away from me and look towards Claire, who rested soundly on her lap. Unlike her usual self, Iris was straightforward with what she wanted this time.

In the past she would hide behind Claire and would always speak through her attendant, giving a very mature impression despite being a child.

I’m not sure if it’s due to someone’s influence, but now, she would occasionally act her own age.

That’s not to say that I don’t like the Iris who acted withdrawn and was aware of her surroundings, but personally, I like her natural self much more.

“Well, if you say that, I guess it won’t hurt to stay here a little longer.”

Back when I infiltrated the castle as a thief, I had fought against many of the soldiers stationed here.

Although my face was hidden and my voice was changed, there was a risk that my physique and habits will reveal my identity.

“I’m glad that Iris yearns for me this much, but this is a dangerous decision to make…”

“If it’s possible…”

As I was lost in my thoughts…

Iris, with her head still lowered, spoke with a lonely soft voice.

“If it’s possible, I’d like to live with everyone…”

Thus, we decided to live in the castle.

Part 2

“Good morning, Dragon Slayer.”

“Onii‑sama, please don’t call me ‘Dragon Slayer’… I know that’s what the residents of the capital have all been calling me, but I wish they would switch to another title too…”

Blushing shyly, Iris lowered her head.

Under Claire’s hospitality, we’re currently staying at the capital.

That’s right.

The time has come for the life of luxury together with Iris that I so dreamed of.

“Look, Iris, even though you say that, the title of ‘Dragon Slayer’ isn’t something you hear every day. Isn’t this worth celebrating on a national scale? Remember how Claire could barely catch her breath out of excitement when she exclaimed ‘I always knew princess Iris was capable of great deeds’?”

“Please don’t mind Claire, she had recently come to me quite a few times to hear my heroic dragon slaying tales.”

Speaking of which, Claire also still visits me every day.

Since Iris killed the so-called Golden Dragon in one shot, I could only tell her that ‘the dragon died after what seemed to be an extremely powerful attack from Iris’, yet she kept coming everyday just to hear that short description.

While Claire had initially disagreed with us taking on a dragon, explaining how sticky the situation would’ve been had princess Iris been injured, she has now been completely mesmerized by Iris’ heroism.

Possibly out of gratitude, she hadn’t complained at all regarding our blatantly lazy and self-indulgent life in the capital.

Furthermore, as I gained newfound respect from her for ruining Iris’ marriage, we had developed such a relationship as to occasionally drink through midnight in the name of Iris’ youth.

“Well then, onii‑chan will get changed now, so just wait in the courtyard for a bit, Iris. We’ll eat together when the maid is done with the mayo salmon onigiri.

“All right! I love mayo salmon!”

Having taken a liking to the junk food we had on our trip, she had apparently described to the maids exactly what kind of cuisine we let her have.

Though at first they shot me cold looks of ‘what kind of junk have you been feeding our princess?’, they still forgave me when they saw Iris happily eating mayo salmon onigiri.

Compared to the boring royal high-class cuisine, the food she’d once enjoyed with friends probably tastes better.

“See you later then, onii‑sama!”

That said, Iris went off in a hurry to order her bento—

—And like this, we lazed through three more days at the capital.

I left the capital today to do the usual business with Megumin.

“…Even you came along? But it’s forbidden for the princess of a nation to enter the dangerous suburbs.”

“Being the Dragon Slayer has earned me certain excursion privileges, worry not. Besides, since very strong monsters lurk near the capital, I’m worried for onii‑sama’s safety.”

Since recently, Iris also started attending Megumin’s daily explosion.

Ever since returning from Elroad, the two have gotten along strangely well.

I’m bothered whenever Iris accidentally says “Big Boss”, but they are the two most affectionate girls towards me I currently have to work with.

So keeping Megumin company like this, could Iris be preventing us from getting any time alone?

Not to be narcissistic, but I’m confident that they would both fall for me with just a little effort from my side.

…No, Megumin aside, I’m not enough of a lolicon to consider Iris a partner.

But to make a prediction, I’d say the chances for the adult Iris to become onii‑chan’s bride are quite high.

Rather, I’ll be permanently residing in the capital and chasing away those men who dare approach Iris.

That way, one day I’ll surely turn from her admirable brother into her romantic partner; then finally…

“Kazuma, we’ve arrived! Here it is: the explosion spot I’m so fond of. Beyond the rock field lies a gathering spot for monsters. A good shot there would also conveniently net me experience points.”

Unaware of Megumin stopping, I was lost in thought when she had turned to me.

Argh, this is no good.

“Well let’s be done with it and go back soon… By the way, what do you two think of me?”

I asked them in as natural of a way as I can, trying hard to maintain a handsome expression in the process.

“What are you saying so suddenly? What do you mean what do we think of you? Have you been a little too bored lately? All I’ve seen of you has been unusual behavior. You better stop going with Aqua to bush-sculpting in the courtyard; while Aqua’s works looked beautiful and were rated highly, Kazuma’s dog-bush was strongly disliked.”

I had been trying to form a bear.

Following Megumin, even Iris added,

“Onii‑sama, no matter how bored you feel, I still hope you would refrain from instructing the soldiers in training. I wouldn’t have minded if onii‑sama were skilled, but as it stands, the soldiers are already calling you ‘the strange guest who pretends to be a teacher despite often losing’…”

“Don’t mind what I’ve been doing lately, I was just bored! No, uhm… Look, there must be plenty more to say about me, such as whether you have feelings for me. Just say how much you like me, I want to hear you two say it yourselves!”

By now not a hint of discretion is left. Hearing my request, they shared a glance, and Megumin said,

“Why does it matter? As I said, I like Kazuma. Why ask this all of the sudden?”

“I-I also uhm…l-like…onii‑sama…”

“Okay, I see; onii‑san’s in the wrong. Iris, I’m satisfied with your effort. And Megumin, I’m happy to verify your view of me.”

I comforted them as I spoke, trying to be smooth as an adult.

“What is going on? Did Kazuma hit his head today? As if he wasn’t odd enough already, what he had been saying was even stranger.”

“O-or in other words, onii‑sama has been acting quite disgusting…”

“Iris, shh! Don’t say stuff like that, even if you know it’s true!”

A little unexpected psychological damage aside, the outcome had been within my predictions.

What would happen if they grew up like this.

Would they develop jealousy for me?

“Worry not, you two; I’m a very generous man who would never leave one side out.”

“Iris, for some reason I feel furious right now. Why don’t we knock some sense into him before our daily explosions?”

“Onii‑sama is really quite disgusting today. Did you hit your head somewhere?”

Despite their rough treatment, my new life at the capital was still pretty peaceful; well deserved considering all the work I’ve done—

The NEET of the capital wakes up early.

“Heidel! Heidel!”

In case you wish to know why… When you’re living a luxurious life with butlers and maids at your service, not even a second should be wasted on sleeping.

“How may I help you, Satou‑sama? Is it your morning coffee? Or do you wish to have breakfast in bed? Today’s breakfast is exactly as Satou‑sama had requested: goose liver miso soup.”

As if reading my mind, the personal butler from before, Heidel, immediately answered.

“Breakfast will be in bed. A coffee before that would also be great. On top of that…”

“Tell the maid Mary to put on a shorter skirt before coming, is it?”

I marveled at how quickly Heidel saw through my thoughts.

Is this the level of competence held by royal servants?

“I expected nothing less, Heidel. I’m glad you memorized my preferences.”

“It is my pleasure to have my name remembered, sir. To make punishing Mary easier, I have repositioned the vase so that it would fall over more easily.”

This man is unbelievably competent.

I nodded with satisfaction. Gracefully sipping the coffee that Heidel had quickly brewed, I opened to read the newspaper.

At this point, I’ve undoubtedly become a high-class member of the castle.

“Lots of snow sprites this year; the winter’s gonna be harsh. Will the Adventurer’s Guild raise the rewards for eliminating snow sprites…? Heidel, this will surely affect this year’s harvest of farm products. Make an investment on my account in profitable farm products.”

“Understood, Satou‑sama. Which types of produce shall we purchase?”

“…Erm, just…buy the ones that’d be hit hard. The type that would see less harvest with cold.”

“Understood, I shall decide for you then.”

Nothing but the best from Heidel, knowing when to give his master a way out. Absolutely competent.

“Well then, that’ll be that. So, what are the plans for today?”

I asked, sipping my coffee. Heidel took out his memo in response.

“The events in the morning are as follows. First up is checking out the contents of the treasure storeroom with Aqua‑sama while disguised as the quality inspectors. Later, Aqua‑sama will use her party tricks in the courtyard and pull an Amano-Iwato (Note: Japanese mythology. Involves throwing a party and dancing lewdly to distract guards.) to preven—…invite Iris‑sama, who would be busy studying, out to play.”

Heidel read expressionlessly as he flipped through the memo.

“—Going in the afternoon with Megumin‑sama to her daily explosion experiments in the suburbs; after that, inspecting armouries around the capital with Lady Dustiness.”

“Gee, today sure is busy. What’s for tonight?”

“The evening is currently free; on another note, Lady Dustiness has been invited to a gala. What do you think?”

Just how competent can this butler get?

“Of course I would sneak into the gala…to foil other men’s flirtation with Darkness.”

“Understood. I’ll make the preparations.”

Heidel bowed politely and left the room to retrieve my breakfast—

“—Good morning Satou‑sama. Today’s breakfast is exactly as Satou‑sama had requested; a miso soup with extra truffle. What do you think of it?”

“Tastes like miso.”

“Is that so. I’ll go prepare your coffee then, please enjoy your soup.”

We’ve been staying at the capital for a week.

I’ve gotten used to the noble lifestyle, living my days busily yet eventfully.

“Heidel, the plans for today are…?”

“The itinerary for today is as follows. Going in the morning with Megumin‑sama to protest at the capital’s newspaper bureau and force them to publish a special documentary on Satou‑sama and Megumin‑sama. After that, Aqua‑sama invited you to participate in her Axis sermon. In the afternoon, Iris‑sama and Lady Dustiness wishes to go on a monster hunting quest with you around the capital. Finally, attending a night sky explosion show hosted by Megumin‑sama in the evening.”

Heidel swiftly answered as he made my after-breakfast coffee. I nodded as I drank the coffee.

“Let’s cancel the afternoon quest. Tell Iris I’ll show my true abilities starting tomorrow. Instead, let Megumin do her explosion show earlier, in that time slot. Darkness will likely be invited to another party tonight, gotta be there.”

“Certainly, as you wish. By the way, Lady Dustiness wants me to tell you to not sneak into her parties…” Though he’s competent, he still has work to do when it comes to women.

“You’re not getting the point, Heidel. It’s something called pride, to say ‘hate’ when they really mean ‘like’. In other words, by telling me to not go, Darkness in fact wants me there.”

“Is that so? I indeed lack experience. Heidel respects your guidance. Since going unarmed lacks shock value, I’ll go prepare a party-sized cake and make this a surprise for Lady Dustiness!”

As expected of Heidel, self-correcting in an instant. Now that’s what I’m proud of.

“Not bad, let’s go with that… Wait, no, we could still make this more interesting. Let’s do it this way; you make me a hollow cake big enough to fit me inside, then I’ll be delivered to the event unnoticed. Just as everyone ponders who had brought the cake, it would crack down the middle and I would emerge spectacularly. How does it sound?”

“Genius indeed, Satou‑sama! I could already picture the guests standing there dumbstruck. I’ll start the preparation at once.”

Having said that, Heidel left with a respectful bow.

—Two weeks since I’ve become a noble.

Even though I’ve completely integrated into the castle, something still bothers me slightly.

“Good morning, Satou‑sama. Today’s breakfast, by Satou‑sama’s request, will be caviar miso soup.”

As he spoke, Heidel pushed the overbed table (Note: a sliding table that hovers slightly above the bed) in place with the breakfast.

“Heidel, thank you for all you’ve done for me. I truly am grateful… However, I am dissatisfied with but one thing in everyday life.”

Hearing my complaint, Heidel lowered his head with a face of realization.

“My sincerest apologies, Satou‑sama. Heidel had actually been aware of Satou‑sama’s annoyances.”

Heidel is still competent as ever.

Did he really notice even my dissatisfactions?

“Were you unhappy with the quality of your miso soup?”

“Not that, not at all! Now that you mention it, the miso soup did indeed taste strange. I only asked for food made with high-grade ingredients in general, not to have them all be added to my miso soup! When I say I wanted saltier soup, I didn’t ask for caviar!”

I exclaimed while staring daggers at Heidel.

“I’d say… Have people here been seeing me as only trouble?”

I told him what I’ve been always thinking recently.

“…………I do not believe that is true.”

“What’s with that suspicious pause? Why couldn’t you answer more decisively!? Don’t avoid my sight, what are you implying!?”

At first, everyone in the capital were grateful and admirative for assisting Iris.

But after two weeks, I felt their looks gradually fade into ones of “how much longer does this guy plan to stay”.

In response to my questioning, Heidel seemed reluctant to speak. Nonetheless, he answered,

“Does Satou‑sama have a clue?”

“How should I know? Was it from that time when I snuck into Darkness’ party in a cake? Didn’t that end with the cake being returned with me still inside due to no one being willing to eat such a shady cake…? Other than that, I could only think of Iris.”

At that moment, someone knocked on the door, and the familiar maid Mary entered.

“My apologies for interrupting, Satou‑sama. Lady Dustiness wishes to see you. Please hurry to the reception room—“

Part 3

“Let’s go back.”

“Rejected.”

I went to the reception room at Darkness’ request.

With her were Aqua and Megumin, who had already packed their belongings; the former sobbing about not wanting to leave and annoying the latter speechless.

I knew what Darkness was going to say the moment I was called here; therefore, I answered in a flash to her unilateral demand.

Darkness sighed deeply. She probably predicted my response as well.

“Say, Kazuma, hasn’t life been just too perfect over the past two weeks? Haven’t you had enough of their hospitality? The castle’s residents have gotten significantly less thankful—understandably so, for you only know to indulge. Do you really want to squander hard-earned respect this way?

Complained Darkness as she handed me several letters.

Since they’ve been opened, she probably meant for me to read them.

“‘For Satou Kazuma‑sama.

When I grow up, I want to be like Satou‑sama rather than a cursed sword wielding adventurer or some prince of justice. Mommy told me, while Satou‑sama has the weakest job, he still defeated many bad guys and is very strong. So, I want to be like Satou‑sama too.’…?”

They were the fabled fan mail.

I proceeded to read more.

“‘For Satou‑sama.

Daddy read the newspaper to me. It talked about how Princess Iris was saved thanks to Satou‑sama. Thank you for helping my beloved Princess Iris. Please let me be your bride when I grow up.’”

They’re probably from children.

Beside the childish printing was a drawing of an Iris-looking girl.

I read through the letters one by one and reached the final piece.

“‘For Satou‑sama.

I heard that Satou‑sama is very weak. That’s what my mommy and daddy told me. But they also said that although you’re weak, you still killed demon generals and are someone amazing. I don’t understand complicated stuff, but Satou‑sama must be working hard even though he’s weak, so I think that he should take a rest. Please look after your health, hope you live very long! Thank you so much for helping Princess Iris!’”

Having read these letters, my heart seemed to soften.

Darkness giggled naughtily at my reaction.

“…What do you think? Why not take that child’s suggestion and actually rest? You too, Aqua. Let’s stop with the whining and have a read.”

Darkness passed my letters to Aqua.

“Now that’s the Kazuma I teamed up with. So, please bear with me; If the worse comes to worst, I’ll still be there to praise you back in Axel.”

She continued happily yet pridefully.

“…Seems like the person only good at seduction and threats has improved. When you put it that way, I feel bad for staying. Not gonna lie, I’m hard to convince. You’d better live up to your promise when we get back.”

“Alright, you can count on me! Want me to clean your back again?”

…Seeing us happily discuss this topic face-to-face,

“Oi, there’s been a lot of PDA between you two lately. Remember where we are. Shouldn’t that wait till we get back?”

“What do you mean PDA!? Y-you see, I’ve talked to Kazuma on the trip about this, but until now, I haven’t done anything to thank him for all his help… So, as a noble, I must…uhm…”

Eyes shining red, Megumin grabbed and shook Darkness who shrunk down as her voice trailed off.

“You’re blatantly older than me, so what’s the hold up!? At this stage, rather than talking about cleaning backs, isn’t it about time for you to confess as well, Darkness? Your night raids have all gone south, so why don’t you just say your feelings loud and clear like me!? That way I’d also be justified in eliminating you!”

“I’m being eliminated!? My feelings are not like Megumin’s… Besides, I bear the name of a noble, my family would not like me choosing a partner of commoner status…”

Seeing Darkness twiddle her fingers in fetal position despite being violently shaken, Megumin finally lost it.

“Before, you were adamantly refusing to date, so aren’t you ashamed of still using familial matters as an excuse? You too, Kazuma, give her a piece of your… Kazuma? What have you been mumbling about just now?”

As the bystander, I can safely claim to be the uncontested head of my staunch harem.

I had recently also received satisfactory answers about Megumin and Iris’ feelings.

I’m anything but dense.

I always knew Darkness had the tingles for me despite constantly making up excuses.

Knowing is only half my game; I also wish to watch them compete for me.

No, can’t forget Iris after she grows up; that’d make it three.

So that’s what it feels like to be a lady-killer.

And I’ve also come to understand why romance becomes sour at the stage where the near-first base competitors become aware of each other.

After all, I wouldn’t be watching this scene had I chosen my route.

Even though I sometimes console them and break apart fights…

“Still I could watch this for about an hour or so.”

“Look at this guy!”

The moment I said that, Megumin switched her target from Darkness to me. Just as she was about to charge—

“I’ve made up my mind, Kazuma!”

Announced Aqua who had been reading fan letters this whole time,

“Let’s think back to our roots, shall we? That’s right, our hope was to defeat the unholy Demon King and bring about world peace! These children’s letters reminded me of my true duty! Alright, Kazuma, let’s go level up back in Axel! Guiding you, the weakling, from zero to hero is my obligation as a goddess! It’s time for the Goddess of Water to cast light upon these children’ future!”

I took a moment to diagnose her before remembering how easily motivated this girl was.

Although, I can marginally understand her logic now.

“I get it, Aqua. When we go back to Axel, we’ll return to our roots and do quests for the Adventurers Guild. After we get back in the swing of it, we shall show the Demon King who’s boss. People are closely watching our actions. Since the children are cheering for us, what excuse do we have to not give it our all?”

That’s right, returning to our roots.

Even though things have been hectic lately, we still must return to our roots and think about our dreams as new adventurers.

Remember the joy of arriving in another world; remember my oath of starting life from zero as a new man.

“Not bad for Kazuma, who recently got the title of ‘Lolizuma’!”

“Hey, who the hell called me that!? ‘Scumzuma’ or ‘Kazutrash’ I could care less about, but not that!”

Part 4

On that day, Darkness and company returned to Axel without me.

I planned to go with them, but ultimately succumbed to Iris’ lonely gaze.

I’ll stay for one last day.

Being praised as a hero, Iris had been busy recently; she wanted to chat with me alone tonight.

To her sincerity, Darkness and Megumin could only nod and smile bitterly.

Then…

“It’s been a long time since onii‑sama came to my room. Make yourself comfortable, I’ll go fetch Claire’s dessert.”

After dinner, I came to Iris’ room.

My eyes explored the party-sized bedroom. As if suddenly noticing something, Iris quickly swept an object on her bedside table under her pillow.

“Oi, what’s with the secrecy. My, are you hiding an ero-magazine? Actually, Iris is about the age for that stuff. Though you ought to hide it better, or else your servants will surely toss it out.”

“Not at all, it’s nothing like that! I’ve been hiding this, the ring!”

Iris hurriedly took out the ring I bought her from the trip to Elroad.

“If I wore this, Claire would certainly disapprove of its cheapness as unfitting of royalty and confiscate it. So, I could only wear it during sleep…”

Seeing Iris say that as she shyly looked up at me, I developed a sudden urge to stay at the capital. I, however, immediately scrutinized myself for bearing such a thought.

I already promised everyone that I’ll only stay for one more day.

If I told them now that I’m staying, those three would lose their minds in any case.

I avoided her stare of mass willpower destruction as best as I could and turned my eyes to the ring she’s carefully holding.

“I knew I should’ve bought a more expensive one. Money was no problem, but this was the only kind for sale. Apologies, better quality would’ve saved you a lot of hardship.”

“No, I do like it. While expensive rings have big, brilliant gems, this small one is very cute.”

Iris looked at her ring with genuine joy.

It can’t go on like this; Iris’ every move wreaks havoc to my will.

Wake up Satou Kazuma, she’s your sister, your sister.

First, I’m no lolicon. Although I’m fine with her adult form, Iris is definitely outside my strike zone for now.

Besides, didn’t I also have development with Megumin lately?

Am I really a man so easily swayed? I question myself sometimes.

“A-as long as you like it. That aside, what do you wish to play tonight? …No, hold on; I bought card game sets from Elroad, I’ll let you play with my secondary deck.”

Saying that, I went to grab my cards; however, Iris gently held onto my shirt.

“Wait, let’s not play games tonight. Since we rarely have some alone time, I want to hear onii‑sama’s stories.”

She said timidly.

“—And this is what I told him: ‘Someone who also plays this game during work or school couldn’t be my enemy. Join our guild, I say, Here you shall meet real friends…’ And that’s how the strongest, most famous hikiNEET switched to our guild, making us truly, indisputably the biggest guild yet. Ever since then… Well, many things happened that led to its collapse. What happened afterwards we’ll save for next time.”

“Wait, onii‑sama is going back tomorrow, who knows when next time will be! What really happened, please tell me at least the beginning!”

I sat on the bed with Iris, both deep in reminiscence.

Though I say that, in reality it was basically all my fault.

Iris must not have many exciting memories living in the castle, so she’s very interested in mine.

“Guess it really can’t be helped. Just the beginning, all right? …Once upon a time, our guild had a new member called ‘Dark † Angel’. This new girl was the beginning of the end for our guild.”

“Wait, this beginning is too interesting to leave the rest for next time! What did that woman do!? I can’t sleep without knowing this!”

It was a dark piece of history, but somehow Iris found it unusually interesting.

“I don’t want to go too much into detail… To summarize the gist, I guess I’ll use the singular word ‘princess’.”

“Princess, huh? …Eh!? Unless you’re saying this Princess‑sama became lovers with someone in the guild…?”

I was talking about the infamous act of girl-carrying (Note: the act of assisting a weaker female player through much higher ranks than intended for her, often receiving romantic relationships in return) in online games, yet Iris had no trouble understanding it.

Even though my description was vague, she still saw the true meaning.

“Impressive thinking. Indeed, that princess stirred up big problems.”

“Is that so; after all, they do have a great difference in status…”

At this moment, while Iris was busy telling her thoughts, I noticed something in her hand.

As if noticing my shift in focus, Iris bashfully handed the item to me.

“Uhm, please take this. Big Boss…I mean, Megumin taught me how to make it. She says it is a traditional crimson demon lucky charm. Since onii‑sama often winds up in grave situations, I thought I might try and make one…”

It’s the traditional crimson demon lucky charm that Megumin gave me once upon a time.

From what I remember, the charm contained magical hairs of powerful crimson mages.

“Many thanks. I prefer a quiet life too, but troubles always seek me out; furthermore, the source of those troubles are often my own teammates.”

Seeing me stash the charm into my pocket, Iris happily said,

“After onii‑sama goes back, I won’t be able to adventure anymore… So please, at least take the charm with you.”

As she spoke, a lonely expression subtly veiled her face.

“—All right. We got a bit carried away with my storytelling. It’s quite late, too; I should head to bed soon.”

To lessen the bashful and bitter atmosphere left from passing over the charm, we continued chatting for a little while, barely aware that it is already midnight.

If I don’t leave soon, Claire will probably come storming in.

As I prepared to stand up from the bed…

“…Don’t.”

Suddenly, Iris clutched my shirt tightly.

“E-even if you say that, nothing could change. Don’t worry, I’ll be back. If anyone stops me, be it Claire or some guards, I still have the pendant that Darkness lent me. Although Claire retrieved her coat of arms, the Dustiness symbol is all I need to traverse the capital to my heart’s content. So…”

“I forbid! ‘Visiting occasionally’ is not enough. I know I said that you could take the charm along in my stead, but I still rather go myself. I still want to adventure together with onii‑sama, experience all the world has to offer!”

Iris’ pent up emotions, like a child’s, burst out.

“Please keep teaching me all sorts of things! In the twelve years I’ve lived in this castle, the short time I’ve adventured with onii‑sama felt infinitely more accomplishing and wonderful. Please don’t leave me. Together, we…”

Saying all that in one breath, she covered her mouth in awareness.

Iris, now shrunken with her head drooped low, didn’t look like anyone that would carry the title of “dragon slayer”.

“Excuse me, I got headstrong again… I couldn’t help but turn childish whenever I’m with onii‑sama. I’m still very much the princess of a nation; I have an obligation to protect the people.”

Born a royal, the girl must have grown up being constantly taught self-control.

Well of course, as few people have a say over the princess.

Only Claire and Darkness, essentially. Even then, out of those two, one is an overprotective bodyguard, the other lives in Axel most of the time.

“Iris, you’re only twelve, it’s fine to act cutesy. Wasn’t this said before? You’re of royalty, it’s no issue to be slightly headstrong towards the people around you.”

Tears glittered in the corner of the princess’ eyes as she let out a faint smile; the princess‑sama who is far more powerful than me yet also has great self-control.

“Onii‑sama, please don’t spoil me so. If we kept living together, I’m afraid I’d say something far more willful than wanting you to stay longer.”

…Crap, what’s happening?

I don’t like where this is going; I feel that I won’t hold up much longer.

“Until the day onii‑sama defeats the Demon King, I promise I won’t act cutesy or headstrong. So…”

Ahhh sh*t.

If you wonder what’s so terrible, it is that I’m terribly close to changing my heart for this little girl.

“…so, for only tonight, please spoil me just a little.”

How Iris said that before tightly hugging me isn’t any less ominous.

What’s even more terrible is her being a royal with the ability to bend marital laws at will to allow any age gap she desires.

No, no it can’t be!

Iris, my sister—I ain’t a lolicon!

If this continues, not even the best lawyers could help me.

Although it’s legal in this world, not even Megumin is allowed by Japanese common sense.

But despite my inner turmoil, Iris lightly nudged her small frame closer.

If rumours about her parents’ chronic absence were true, she’d likely have zero experience in exploiting her cuteness.

Since she is aware of her superior strength, her arms hugged around me timidly. Gradually, she began to strengthen her hold…!

“I-I don’t really mind; forget about tonight, you can be cutesy around me anytime!”

Crap! I said something awkward out of anxiety.

How could I deal with my teammates when I’m so tied up with Iris over here?

Suddenly saying that “I’ll stay instead” after so much bonding with Megumin recently would obliterate my credibility.

Besides,

“Onii‑sama…no,”

Besides, Satou Kazuma, think about it sincerely.

Didn’t you wish to return to Axel?

Think about the letters from those children; you’ve read those merely hours ago.

That’s right, the Demon King.

I must defeat him even for the sake of Iris.

Exactly, for the sake of the children, as well as Iris.

Also for the sake of this worl…!

“Onii‑chan,”

…………

“I like you so much…!”

Ultimately, I still decided to stay here.

Part 5

It has been another week since Aqua and company left.

Having decided to stay, I sent them letters.

Saying that I won’t be coming back to Axel after all.

Telling them that I’ll be residing in the capital permanently and that they can inherit ownership over any savings, luggage, and property on their side.

Also telling them that they could hopefully defeat the demon king, even without the man of the weakest job.

On the same day I sent the letter, Darkness replied.

The contents were “snap out of it” — obviously something she would write with a bitter laugh.

I’m afraid she thought that I’ll be only staying for one more day to keep the lonely Iris company.

The language of the letter was gentle; in short, it told me to go easy on Iris’ heart but still return ASAP.

—Then after another three days.

The letters grew solemn.

—After yet another two days, letters filled with rage and fury were sent to me.

Finally, today.

A loud knock sounded from my bedroom door.

“Kazuma‑dono, you have a second to talk?”

The voice belonged to Claire.

I nodded to Heidel, who was making my tea. In response, he swiftly went to open the door.

“What’s the matter Claire? Something important?”

“What’s the matter? What a great question, Kazuma‑dono, I think you know exactly why I’m here.”

Claire seems to be restraining herself out of her thankfulness for my heroic deeds. Just barely.

“You do know what people here in the castle think of you, right?”

“Obviously. Even though heartless insults fill the air, I have no problems with it, for my will cannot be damaged by such petty cause. I’m the kind of person who persisted to be a NEET despite the countless lecturing and mockery from my relatives on every New Year’s Eve and Bon festival.”

At this point Claire gritted her teeth.

“Really. Well that’s simply perfect, since I have a request for Your Excellency who has such endurant willpower and has made such great contributions to the country.”

“What’s the matter? How could I help?”

This person isn’t too bad.

Plus, she’s a comrade who shares my love for Iris.

I ought to help her to the best of my abilities, should she need it.

“Of course! It’s something only you could accomplish!”

As she said that, Claire’s face magically transformed into a brilliant smile.

“Long time no see, Kazuma‑dono.”

The person responsible for Iris’ schooling, Rain, followed inside.

What brought both of them here?

As if reading my mind, Rain said awkwardly,

“Uhm… I know how hard Kazuma‑dono worked to help Princess Iris over in Elroad, how Kazuma‑dono stayed to tell Princess Iris stories every night, and how Her Highness has consequently become quite extroverted and joyful…”

Following Rain, Claire added,

“Indeed, she looks very happy everyday, and I have you to thank for that. We couldn’t imagine how restless Princess Iris must have been in secret as someone who is so young yet lives in a castle that could be under siege from Demon King’s army at any moment.”

What are Claire and Rain really trying to say?

At this moment, another knock emanated from the door.

Since the door is open, they had most likely knocked out of politeness.

Peeking around is the once lonely-looking sister of mine whose face lit up as soon as she saw me.

“‘Sup, Onii‑chan? Sleeping in this late ain’t good, yanno? The weather’s lit AF today, so let’s grab some bentos for a picnic, Kazzi!” she brightly said.

Hearing that, Claire and Rain drooped their heads and pleaded on the verge of tears,

“Kazuma‑dono, I beg you, please go back!” x2

Suggestion rejected; signed, Kazzi.

Part 6

“—He ran that way! Get him!”

Several hours later.

I am under pursuit by unreasonable soldiers, running all over the place.

I’ve never before had to use so much wit or engaged anyone with such ferocity.

…No, there may have been once; it also had something to do with Iris.

“Don’t underestimate him because he’s only one person! He has defeated numerous demon generals and high-bounty criminals, Eris knows what he has up his sleeve!”

Claire shouted as she chased after me.

Several soldiers blocked my way, as if they didn’t hear Claire.

“Visitor, we cannot let you proceed!”

“Please stop your futile resistance and obey…!”

Ignoring them, I stuffed my hand into a pocket.

“Create Earth!”

The swift and easy first-time strategy.

“Wh-what are you doing?”

The confused soldiers ahead of me questioned.

“Wind Breath!”

“!? Whaa!?”

“My eyes…!”

Catching an eyeful of sand, a bunch of soldiers stumbled to their knees.

Looking closely, I saw that one soldier had brought ropes, perhaps to tie me up.

I took the rope from the debilitated soldier and kept running.

I must find a way to lose these guys and get to Iris.

That’s right; no way I’m going back.

As long as I reach Iris, everything can be resolved peacefully… No, rather, I can persuade her to join forces with me.

I covered an incoming soldier’s noses with my hands.

“Create Water!”

“Wharrgarbl!”

The drowning soldiers coughed up a lung.

“K-Kazuma‑dono! That style of combat… could you be…!”

Watching my moves, Claire asked in horror as if she had discovered a grim truth.

Though I was confident about my escape, I had unknowingly entered a dead-end.

As soon as I realized that it’s the end of the line, I heard Claire’s voice from behind.

“…For goodness sake, how could I been so blind.”

I turned around to face Clair and her soldiers, all lined up in formation.

I must break through them and get to Iris no matter what.

Having made the decision, I squared off with Claire.

“Such a shame, Claire. It has been a pleasure drinking with you while listening to you tell stories about Iris’ childhood. Had things not come down to this, we would’ve definitely made great friends.”

“Kazuma‑dono…I also regret having to bid farewell in this manner. That aside, I must thank you for one more thing: thank you for protecting Princess Iris from the dangerous divine item. However…”

“…However?”

To answer my question, Claire unsheathed her sword.

So that’s the gist of it; Claire hasn’t been her usual self today.

Then…

“However, it is unacceptable to steal Princess Iris’ ring. Please return it. The ring is not something you’re allowed to possess. Should you refuse to return it, I’m afraid we’ll have to retaliate by publicizing your secret identity. This will be necessary despite inevitably upsetting Princess Iris. If you wish to remain anonymous, obey and…”

Then, it’d be impolite if I don’t also unleash my full potential.

“There’s no way you would publicize it. After all, the fact that someone who Iris‑sama calls brother is a chivalrous thief would be a massive disgrace to her royal image. Let me pass now, White Suit, or I won’t hesitate to torture you to tears.”

I said, in response to her interruption.

“…W-what do you mean?”

Claire, who had always looked down upon me and mocked the integrity of my true power, surprisingly didn’t snap. In fact, she was trembling on the verge of tears.

What kind of personality progression is this?

Is it from her realizing that I was the thief who infiltrated the castle?

Or from eye-witnessing my true power in action?

Works either way.

Right now, I must get to Iris, to teach her some advanced lessons.

Holding that little promise in my heart, I presented the roped in my hand.

“I shall Bind you with this rope, then repeatedly use Steal until you cry in submission.”

“Eh!? W-wait! Hold it Kazuma‑dono, despite everything, I’m still a noble woman! You wouldn’t do…something…that extreme in public…would you?”

I replied to the terrified Claire while whipping my rope threateningly.

“By the way, I’ve done things like tying Darkness up and dragging her after a carriage and blasting her with icy water. Decide for yourself whether to believe it or not.”

“Retreat!!!”

Claire’s face stiffened and made a sound somewhere between a screech and a howl.

But contrary to her orders, the soldiers only crept closer.

Against the sheer number advantage, I can’t win with strength alone.

“Leave this to us, Claire‑sama! We’ll take on that man…!”

There are four opponents.

Furthermore, they’ve all seen my earth breath combo from afar.

That way, there’s no way they’d fall for it.

“Alright, Mr. Guest, please comply now and—!?”

“Bind!”

I rapidly improvised and tied up the soldier who’d been talking.

That soldier tried to deflect the bind with his sword, but flying ropes aren’t exactly easy to parry.

While the binding wasn’t neat, the soldier was still entangled along with his sword.

The bind was loose, so at this rate he’ll break free momentarily.

However, a moment is all I needed!

“Got you!”

I held up a hand towards a soldier who yelled as he charged me.

“Wind Breath!”

Although it only staggered him, it was still enough to make a gap in the formation.

“They’re all but little tricks! No fear, push on!”

Those words most likely came from the head of the squad, or someone like that.

“W-wait up! Don’t, he is…!”

Claire desperately yelled something, but it was too late.

I dashed before my next opponent and stuck my hand out in position for a handshake.

For no good reason, the guy reflexively shook my left hand. I mercilessly used Drain Touch.

“!?”

Seeing the man collapse, the remaining soldier and the one on the floor hesitated, watching me warily.

Seizing this opportunity, I dashed around the soldiers…!

“Stop right here Kazuma‑dono, you have been surrounded! I shall teleport you back with magic; see you in Axel!”

Outside of the dead end, I ran into a dozen more soldiers.

Their leader, Rain, said that with a somewhat pale complexion.

As I stood still, Claire and her two soldiers also closed in from behind.

Damn, is there really no escape!?

Rain’s squadron has me surrounded from every nook and cranny, my hope quickly drained.

Crap, this is not a number I could deal with.

But I still have so much more to teach Iris…!

“Come on, Kazuma‑dono. Please surrender and leave… During this hour-long chase, many were injured by slipping on frozen floors, many are still incapacitated by Bind, and some are even unconscious from being drained of mana using unknown methods… What an accomplishment for a lone adventurer; you’re almost like the thief that infiltrated the castle some time ago…”

Rain said with a tinge of sarcasm.

“Ha…Ha…Wh…what an unbelievable guy… It’s no longer hard to see how Mitsurugi‑dono lost to you twice. Still, just what abilities would one need to detect our movement, escape ahead of time and disappear to nowhere whenever he gets cornered…?”

Claire, whom I had evaded numerous times, exhaustedly said.

She’s probably talking about Detect Enemy and Sneak.

In addition, I’ve also used Farsight and Lip Reading to intercept their orders; even if they got close, Escape easily solves the problem.

Despite my efforts, I still ended up in this situation.

However, if I’m so ordinary as to fail in this situation, I wouldn’t have been a match at all for the Demon Generals.

Seeing me not moving, Claire might have thought that I surrendered. She relaxed and slowly approached me…

“Say, Rain, why don’t we make a deal.”

I kept up my peaceful appearance and said to Rain smoothly.

Hearing me, Claire’s face stiffened.

Meanwhile, Rain twitched her eyebrow.

“As I recall, Rain came from a minor noble family, right? As you know, I have deep, emotional ties with Darkness, even her father has a good impression of me. He appreciates me enough to entrust Darkness with me. They trust me to the extent of lending me all the pendants and coats of arms of the Dustiness family.”

“Quiet! Don’t listen to his bullsh*t, don’t be deceived by that man, Rain!”

Hearing my exposition, Rain gulped as Claire objected hysterically.

“…Besides, I’m close enough to Iris that we call each other by first names. Do you really wish to tear the man Iris admires so much away from her? Is that what Iris wants? Letting me go now would in turn earn you respect from the Dustiness family and Iris. In other words, all this links intricately to the brightness of your future, Rain.”

“Don’t listen, Rain! You might look slightly better to the Dustiness family, but it’ll leave a gaping gash in my image of you! Nothing good ever happens to my enemies! Besides, in the name of Princess Iris’ future, we have to separate this man no matter how much Iris idolizes him! You know this very well, with this man around, Iris‑sama will only become increasingly scummy! Just look at how Iris‑sama’ been acting lately!”

Caught between Claire and I, Rain’s face twisted with indecision.

The dozen soldiers Rain had brought were probably her personal guards or something similar.

Seeing how conflicted their leader, Rain, was, the soldiers refrained from capturing me.

Additionally, with Rain’s personal guards halted, the soldiers with Claire wouldn’t act either.

Dripping with cold sweat, Rain looked back and forth between Claire and me.

With her on the horns of a dilemma, there’s only one thing left to do.

“Say, Rain, think carefully. Couldn’t I, who have extensive experience with defeating demon generals and bounty criminals, become great help for the armed forces? Haven’t you witnessed the extent of my abilities in this short moment? I’d be Iris’ playmate, and I can also help defend the castle as needed. Not gonna lie, I’m highly skilled at finding the enemy’s weakness… How does it sound? There aren’t any negatives to this, are there? With a playmate, Iris would be joyful. I’d live here happily. The country would also benefit from having a strong adventurer at service. Finally, you, Rain, would gain positive views from Iris and the Dustiness family. Isn’t that right? Don’t you like such a win-win scenario?”

“……”

“Rain, don’t fall into silence! I beg you, don’t just agree with a ‘so that’s how things are, no problem!’ …I-I get it, Rain, I recall your family having some unpaid debt, right? How about letting my family pay for you? Wasn’t it about several tens of millions? How does that sound, not bad, right!?”

Claire’s offer seems to have brought Rain back right from the edge.

Rain mumbled apologies as she lowered her head.

Hearing that, Claire finally relaxed as her expression softened.

—Had I been an ordinary adventurer, the topic would’ve seen its end about here.

However, I couldn’t go without showing some gentleman attitude.

“Listen here, Rain; my net worth surpasses a billion. You know how…”

“G-get him! Don’t let him say any more!”

Before I could finish, Claire’s soldiers, who had sneaked up close, pinned me down from behind.

“D-damn despicable scum! I was in the midst of negotiation, you can’t just interrupt! Hey Claire, do you not cherish your panties!? A while ago you mentioned how nothing good ever happens to your enemies, but I assure you that being my enemy isn’t any better!”

“I know, I know, Kazuma‑dono! Truthfully, I think you’re more terrifying than any monster! Not only combat wise, but you also have superior charisma and expansive connections. I already knew you were rich, but since then you have progressed unimaginably well…!”

Said Claire as she commanded her soldiers to pin me down even harder.

“Rain, I presume you had brought the memory wiping potion as I told you?”

What memory wiping.

Now that I’m startled by a horrifying term, the soldiers pressed me down even harder.

“I didn’t initially want to resort to such drastic measures, but letting you stay with Princess Iris creates a real risk for negative influence. Besides, being subjected to as extreme a measure as repatriation would undoubtedly leave you hateful impressions of us. Honestly, I truly fear what you might do out of vengeance. So, while we sincerely apologize, we must ask that you forget everything that happened after the night when Lady Dustiness invited you to return to Axel. Indeed, that’s when you read the children’s letters… Proceed, Rain!”

Hey, wait a second.

Forgetting everything after the day I decided to leave?

In other words, what Iris said about liking onii‑chan so much would also…

“I-I understand. Should we really use this? The potion was banned for having side effects as severe as causing dementia for the unlucky, after all… A-are you sure it’s fine?”

Rain approached me with the potion in hand while saying such inconceivable words to Claire…!

“S-stop it! Don’t feed me strange stuff like that! Remember, you’re lucky that it’s daytime, for only at night could I unleash my full potential. Night-vision with Detect Enemy and Sneak means I can infiltrate any stronghold; using a bow, I could also snipe you from any distance! You’ll do well to remember that! Remember!”

“H-hurry up! Make him drink the potion already, Rain! He’s terrifying! This man is scary as hell! That wasn’t even his final form! Just think, he didn’t even use the vicious freezing magic that choked Mitsurugi‑dono; he’s been merciful to us! Rain, quick! Completely erase all his memories from today now!”

“I’ve also been a bodyguard for quite some time, but this is also the first time I’ve seen someone so terrifying—! Q-quick, drink the potion…! Kazuma‑dono, open your mouth please…!”

Sandwiched between soldiers in a corner of the royal castle, the two noble ladies desperately tried to pry my mouth open.

It may look like a cuddle fest from afar, but the reality is no joking matter!

“Tinder!”

“Hot! It burns! Ahhh, it burned a hole in my favourite expensive cape!”

“This man, still resisting under this circumstance…! I’m absolutely horrified of you, Kazuma‑dono! Rain, I’ll buy you a new cape later, please start chanting the teleportation spell! I’ll deal with the potion!”

Claire, having taken the potion from Rain’s grasp, approached my face with a strained expression.

Why are you putting on such a strenuous face!? I’m the one at the end of the line here!

Rain rapidly chanted the spell as the potion was shoved in my face—when suddenly.

“Onii‑chan!”

The noise must have brought her here.

Iris cried out from afar as she charged straight toward me.

A princess being saved by a knight in shining armor from imminent violation.

It accurately depicts the current situation, if not for the swapped roles.

Iris yelled towards the floor-pinned me.

“Claire, what the hell are you trying to do to my aniki!? I’m angry AF right now! Cut the crap or else I’ll really hold a grudge, from the bottom of my heart!”

“Princess Iris, please don’t use terms like aniki or ‘AF’ anymore! I’ve already prepared to face your inevitable wrath. Right now, I’m making this man drink the memory wiping potion and repatriating him to Axel!”

Iris shouted as she shoved aside the soldiers blocking her way.

“That’s unforgivable AF!”

“It’ll be my turn to get angry AF if Iris‑sama doesn’t stop using that language!”

“Even Claire‑sama got infected! The teleportation chant is finished, commence repatriation at will!”

Damn, so close!

“Onii‑sama!”

Knowing that she won’t make it, Iris stopped to catch her breath before screaming at the top of her lungs.

“Onii‑sama, if chance brings us together again, I’ll never leave you behind!”

My adorable little sister shouted with determination.

“Iris, onii‑san will return! I promise I won’t leave the castle next time; I’ll live here in leisure everyday—!”

“What the hell is this man saying under this circumstance!? Now, swallow! Rain, teleport him as soon as he drinks the potion!”

With that, Claire poured the potion into my mouth.

Unsure if the effect is immediate, a wave of dizziness washed over me as my consciousness swiftly faded…

“Write me letters when you remember me! Onii‑sama, I’ll be waiting for you! I believe you’ll someday defeat the Demon King for sure—!”

Share