Published at 26th of June 2026 7:52 am

Chapter 159: Balcony scene

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So, I say, trying to play it cool after I cast a silence spell around us, what did you want to talk about?

He raises a questioning eyebrow. You know. The last we talked, I mean really talked, you left mad at me.

Oh, right, that. Its fine. I forgive you.

He laughs. You forgive me? Malichi, this isnt a matter of forgiveness. Forgiveness doesnt help if we stay distant.

I grimace, having been afraid he might say something to that effect, though the words werent nearly as articulated in my mind. I cant resolve what happened between us before because everything else Ive gone through recently has completely whelmed it. Ive simply been too busy to give him much more thought, with my clients, cult, Anars contract, Allens self-destructive spiralling and even just school assignments getting in my way.

So, I thought that if hes so far down on my priority list, I should just forgive him and move on, but, apparently, he wants more.

What more does he want then? To just go back to our intermittent contacts and pleasant exchanges? Or does he want more than that too? Do I want more?

I walk over to the railing to appear to look out over the garden in thought staring at the night scene illuminated by magic candles but find it lacking in allure, so glance over at him. There is a sort of contradictory tension and relaxation when Im with him that I dont get with others Well, maybe Ellen, a little, but its not as pronounced.

I like the relaxing feeling, but the tension is confusing. But, yeah, I do think Id prefer what we had before to now, regardless of how I regard the tension.

I stuff my hand down my pocket and fish out the few medium gold that he brought to the game, which I toss at him.

He catches each piece, one by one, despite their different trajectories, then stares at them quizzically. Whats this?

My shoulders slump, but I force them to straighten. Its only an instant of slackening, but I doubt he missed it. So, I turn and look straight at him with as much earnestness as I can. The coin you lost at the table.

He smirks, a combination of confusion, affection and smugness. I sat at the table, Malichi, I can hardly complain about my losses.

Yeah, but I dont want to take from you.

It feels good to say. To denote someone as protected from my worst impulses. But he, incredibly frustratingly, decides to deliberately take it the wrong way closing the distance to stand uncomfortably close with a charming smile even more annoying than Allans.

Oh? he chuckles, leaning in on the railing next to me. Are you sure theres nothing you want to take from me?

My mind flashes with images of him bound, Anar runes traced on his face and a dagger in my hand. How hard would it be to make him willing? I tense at the thought, my face flustered. I turn away, but dont lengthen the uncomfortable distance.

Yes, I say sharply, Im sure.

Oh, he says with such disappointment Wait, what was he talking about?

Confused, at him and myself, I inhale sharply and move blindly forward. Why did you side against me regarding the peace club?

He raises a haughty eyebrow. So, you are still upset about it?

Of course Im still upset about it! I snap. I just got kicked out of a club in a manner that Im not ashamed to admit I found aggravating. So, I chose to confide in you for comfort. Instead of supporting me, though, you chose to add to the chastisement. To criticize my ability to interpret plain statements. I was willing to forget about it, but if you want instant reconnection, then we are going to have to resolve that.

I wouldnt exactly characterize what happened like that, he mutters.

Then you were even more ignorant of the situation than I realized, and should have erred on the side of caution by supporting me.

He turns away, pinches his nose and sighs. Look, Malch, I wasnt trying to chastise you. I was just disappointed because I hoped the club would be a good influence. I was trying to get you to see things from their perspective so you might go back. Sometimes friends do that prod each other into actions they think are good for them.

I scowl at the presumption. And what makes you think you know me so well that you could even tell whats best for me?

I dont, he exhales as he admits it. I probably just see myself in you, but with greater possibility, so I prod you to the path I wish I still had. Is that selfish of me? Probably. Absurd? Yes. But I still believe it. Malichi, you have a rare intensity to you. Its what people find fascinating. But with that comes a capacity for violence of such a degree that I find absent even in most knights. But I also see more than that in you. Little moments of tenderness that you seem blind to in yourself. So, I hoped to push you onto those aspects of yourself. To turn to a more peaceful life before its too late like it is for me. Because trust me, I once moved with the same intensity as you, and I would give anything to be able to turn to a different path.

He takes me aback with his earnestness for a few seconds, then I laugh. You you think youre the sordid one!

His face darkens in embarrassment as I cant help but continue to laugh. What is that supposed to mean? Malichi, what have

Let me guess! I interrupt him. Ive been wanting to get to the bottom of you for some time. Good a chance as any. I know you have real combat experience dont deny it. I would guess either you grew up with mercenaries like Bart, or were a scion of some noble house who has strife with their neighbours. Either way, you must have spent at least your later years as a squire emersed in combat.

But thats not enough. Lots of squires are blooded even young ones like you. So, something must have happened to think of yourself as dirty. My guess is whatever this family business you occasionally allude to is, or your business with Bart. Maybe one and the same. Either way, Im guessing its also related to you becoming a knight and why you think you arent worthy of the title. So what? Did you kill someone you knew to get it? Someone you were close to?

He goes still, his arms straight down by his sides and his eyes downcast. Yes, he barely manages to whisper.

I laugh again. Is that all I mock, though I feel myself twist inside as I do.

Isnt that enough?! he snaps back.

To be damned? No.

Then what have you done to think of yourself as more damned than me? He half shouts, making a wide, wild arm gesture, though in frustration and bewilderment rather than anger.

I smirk, backing away from his emotive arm flailing. Tell me what the deal is between you and Bart, and maybe Ill tell you.

No, he states flatly, firmly, straightening up as if bracing himself against an attack.

Why not? I ask with as much vehemence as I can muster, though only half from genuine emotion. The other half just because it felt fitting with how fortified hes presenting himself.

Because if you are filthier than me, my business with Bart may very well let me catch up. Even if it doesnt, inviting you wont make you cleaner. I wont do anything that will worsen you, because even if you are a thousand times as damned as me, I have to believe that you can be saved. For my own sake, but also because I just dont want to see you hurt.

A thousand times might be about right. A month ago, it might have only been a couple hundred. Still, his explanation does not satisfy. So what, you care so much about whether I get a little bit dirtier, but you dont care if our friends do? Whether Emily, Ligryn, Clara and your friend Carlyle do?

His face blanches as I gloatingly list off the names. How do you know theyre working with me? How do you even know Carlyle?

Because your operational security is lousy! I sap, forcing him to step back as I advance with a chastising tone. I mean, I came across you having a secret meeting outside! Forget walls, you didnt have a basic illusion masking your sounds. I wasnt even trying to snoop, I just happened to come across you. I mean, its kinda embarrassing, actually, how bad your efforts to be sneaky were. I mean, if mere happenstance is enough to detect you, then you can bet that Barts agents are tracking your every move.

His face is flushed, but he responds in a whisper, gripping one arm as if for comfort. Weve moved our meetings indoors.

I scoff. Yes, Im sure wherever you found is the epitome of security, too, I say, deciding that Ive already revealed too much of what I know.

No, I mean we havent had any meetings in darkened alleys since Ligryn joined us. So how do you know that shes with us?

I take a step back at immediately being caught out, but control myself twisting my face into a confused expression. That seems a safe look while I think about what to say. I dont want him to know Ive been helping him because Well, because he doesnt want me to know about it, I guess. Though I suppose it might be better for my mission anyways if I remain free to act as a third party in the fight over the orbs. So, I counter, taking a tone as if it should be obvious. Because Ive seen her and the others be around each other throughout campus. It may not be proof, but the relationship always seemed more business than friendly, so it didnt take much to figure out shes part of your little group. But that doesnt matter. What does is that I knew you lied to me. When I said that Ligryn wasnt dedicated to peace despite being in the club, you claimed I might be wrong despite her being in your violent group.

I didnt lie, I just wait, how do you know were a violent group?

Because you told me youd be dirtying your hands. What else could you mean?

No, you knew back in the tree. What do you know about it? Do you know what its about?

No, I say with some hesitation, though I think convincingly. Of course not; you never said in the meeting I overheard. But I knew that you had combat experience from various clues, so I assumed any conflict you had with Bart who also has real combat experience would involve that. It may have been silly to assume that, but you basically confirmed it tonight. Back to why you lied to me.

I didnt, I just Youre not even upset about that; its just an extra layer. Why did you get so upset that I didnt agree with you about the club?

I inhale sharply. Because Why was it again? Whats wrong with him being as unable to understand simple sentences as the rest of them? I spin away and slap my hand against the wall, leaning on it. Because I thought you understood me. The others, they like me enough, but theres always a distance. I think maybe the not quite understanding is what they like. But with you, I always thought maybe maybe I was stupid.

I hear him come up behind me and turn to see him step up close, moving his arm around as if for an embrace, but stops himself, leaning it against the wall instead. My chest tenses as I remember a similar position with Vincent, and my hand twists to draw my wrist knives, but stop as I recognize the difference. Vincent was like a cat pinning his prey, but Terry is much gentler. Part of me is annoyed that yet another knight has decided to try this pose with me, but another part finds it comforting as his arm brushes against my face.

He speaks, his voice smooth and gentle. I think I understand you too, Mal, sometimes maybe even better than you do. Other times though, Im stupid Im not as clever as you. Will you bear with me when Im being just another oafish knight?

I cant bring myself to speak, or even think. I just find myself enjoying the comforting presence, and nod my head into chest. His muscles are steel-like, but warm and somehow tender, and I find my head pressing deeper into him.

But then I see his face merging into the trees and I push him away, heading to the exit. I cant have nice things anymore.

But why not? Why cant I take a hand reaching out to me? He doesnt know the truth, but who knows the truth about anything? He thinks I dont know the truth about him, either. Even still, I want to help him, even if he pushes me away from that part of him. But I dont want him to push me away either. I want to be close and keep him safe. But what if I lose him without having done anything? I need to act now before its too late.

I stop and turn, breathing hard. Im um Im leaving the party.

OhUm, okay he says, awkward and disappointed.

I have carriage I say just as awkwardly. Would you Theres something I want to do with you. Something special Would you like to come back to my place?

Oh! he says, much more energetically this time. Of course, Id love to.

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