Published at 6th of September 2026 6:18 am

Chapter 173: Potentially destructive closeness.

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After additional acts of physical affection, he somehow forces a promise that I wont spend gold on him without asking him first. Specifically gold, though I had to fight for the lesser metals. Though he does warn me not to overdo the exception.

I suppose I do somewhat understand his reticence to accept too many gifts. I dont share it I think it would be the more gifts the better if our financial positions were reversed but I do have a glimmer of understanding it, after he explains it a few more times.

Later that week, I get a note of apology from Erika, such as it is. She admits that she may have overreacted to my actions, but omits any admission that her position is fundamentally flawed or that she miscommunicated the nature of their club. They have updated how they describe themselves, though, which I feel truly is incompatible with me. I tell her so in the return note.

I talk with Terry about the note. He still wants me to go back, but does at least agrees that its a lacklustre apology. Ellen, surprisingly, doesnt want me to go back when I bring it up with her in our pre-class meet up.

I thought the club was in dire straits.

She shrugs and sips her tea. Well manage. You, Im not so sure about. At least if you come back.

Because Im not ideologically pure enough? I say with derision.

Heh, no. If anything, youre too ideologically pure. It just happens that the ideology is a lot more individualistic than the one we want.

That sounded like an insult.

She smirks in a way thats somehow disarming. Theres a frayedness to her that I dont normally see. She seems more frank than usual. Thats because it was, but an endearing one, I assure you. But to disengage the dissembling, its not really about ideology but personalities.

You think were incompatible somehow? Too dissimilar in our approaches?

Heh, no. Too similar. Too prickly.

Im not prickly.

Oh, forgive me, my mistake. She makes a motion reaching towards me, then jerks her hand back in mock pain, shaking it then briefly sucking her finger.

I suppose I can be a little prickly, I say, sucking air in through my teeth.

Yeah. Ironically, youre both very similar to each other in more ways than just that.

Oh? How similar? Does she perhaps also have some impurities in thought? Maybe moonlights as a professional duellist or mercenary?

Youre being silly. Shes fully committed to a non-violent life. Passionately Violently, even.

Im afraid I dont understand the jest.

No. Neither does she. Thats the problem You see, shes perfectly willing to destroy those she opposes, just so long as she doesnt do it with violence in a strict sense. No bodily harm. Social though Well.

I sigh and shake my head. Then I understand even less than I thought I did, and even that wasnt much. Im still baffled by her objection to my other interests. The arguments that got me into the club were for increases in productive magic development. She never made an argument to prohibit all combat magic. Surely she must recognize that even if combat mages are less useful to the empire, there will still be a place for them to safeguard the developments made by the productive mages?

She smiles without teeth and closes her eyes. Her mouth, pressed into a thin line, twitches a few times, and she seems hesitant to disclose something. Embarrassment, or maybe something else. Theres a stillness, as if whatever shes about to say is vital to her own self as well as her friends. You have to understand, our movement (indeed, I think all movements) did not start with the rational argument. It started with the emotion. The distaste no, the disgust towards the so called heroics that our empire glorifies. Its only after this passion formed that the rational entered and we saw the waste of it all. That rationality helps us spread the message, indeed is the message, but is not the basis of things. Your violent pursuits may not violate the rational arguments we make, but it does go against the basic cause. The disgust.

I blush, feeling judged. Feeling little. To know that she clearly feels contempt for me. You find me disgusting?

Sigh Yes, no, I dont know. I havent seen you act, so I guess I can ignore it. There are parts of you that I think can resonate with our ideals. But its so complicated. Better to have you stay on the outside. I think for all of us.

I see, I say, not sure how to feel about that. She clearly doesnt want to hurt me, but is also being very honest. Very open. But theres still some inherent distance between us due to what we are. Why did you even help Terry get the apology then if you dont think I should go back?

Why not? she shrugs. The matter needs to be resolved, for both of you. Its not good for her to puff herself up with so much pride. It was, as you claim, a miscommunication of our ideals. She should have recognized that and reconciled. That she couldnt, still cant, not really, only proves that you two should stay far apart.

And youre sure the club will be fine?

Im touched that you care. But yes. I have some new members lined up. Besides, while Erikas fiery replies to our critics do somewhat make us a laughing matter, it does bring attention to us. The criticism by those in high places only grants us legitimacy to a point. I think we will become a medium successful movement, things going as they are. More than that will require luck.

But hey. If you still want to contribute, you can always send stuff in even if you dont attend. I thought your reports on plant growth were promising. I learned the basic spell, but its slow going. So, if you give me reports, I can present them. That will also ameliorate Erika some. Show her apology did at least some good.

Yeah, that sounds good. Terry will like it, and it will grant some feeling of purpose to my note taking beyond some far off extra graduation project.

She smiles, chest strikingly, Great. I guess thats settled then.

Terry is somewhat pleased when I report the compromise during our evening walk around campus. I guess keeping your mind on it is all that matters So, its the weekend.

So it is. Why am I suddenly hesitant?

I mean Well, we havent really been getting together on them. They are, after all, the traditional time for students like us to be free together, but youre always busy. I thought maybe it was because you were getting that crazily wonderful armour for me.

Um It was In part.

So youll be free to spend a day with me now that you got it, right?

I shake my head. We can meet for a bit. But I still have clients to manage, and the weekend is the best time to see to them.

He smiles with a bewildered mien. How many clients do you have that they take a whole weekend?

Um I wont count the cult, even though thatll take at least a quarter of a day. Though I think the gang should be fine to at least allude to. It is, after all, a noble game, though Ill be vague on their nature. Depends on how you count. Three individuals, and one group.

You have four clients Did you bring some with you?

Um, no, I got them here.

How did you have time? He laughs, looking at me as if I dont know. As if I were a marvel, but not in a wholly good way.

I look at him, bewildered. Terry. Were nobles. Gaining clients is what were supposed to be doing with our free time. Some even say its the foundation of our society. Dont tell me you havent gained a single one in the months youve been here? Wasnt he supposed to be the sociable one of our pair?

I dont think thats unusual, he says defensively. In fact, dont you think youre overdoing it? Doesnt hunting for them get in the way of studying?

I raise an eyebrow. Yure acting like this is some surprising vice. I assure you I remain diligent. Both this and studying are preparation for my future, after all.

Maybe it is a vice then. Maybe you live too much in that future instead of now.

Youre overreacting. Four probably isnt even that many.

Oh? Perhaps we should ask Adrian about it then? I think theyd have a more accurate answer.

Yes, I would concede to their likely superior knowledge about this... Shall we make a bet of it then? Coin would be silly. How about the venue of our next big outing? Lets say if the first year students in this school have more clients than you do on average, then you have to spend a cumulative day helping me research in the library. Fetching books back and forth and so on with your very capable body.

And if they dont, then you have to do my morning conditioning training with me for a month.

Agreed, I grin in anticipation of the seconds to come.

Agreed, he snaps back with some puffery. I cant help but laugh as a few moments later his face twists in alarm. Wait! What do you mean by average

Too late! I say, sing song. You already agreed. Unless youre going to renege on your knightly word in front of so many witnesses? I gesture to a passerby who looks at me strangely, and I can't help but giggle.

You tricked me! He accuses in a most amusing indignation.

Tricked you How? By speaking precisely? If anything, thats the opposite of trickery. Its excessive clarity.

You only spoke precisely because you thought I might stumble on your words!

Well yes. But really, Ser Terry, I speak the word which was once a formal distancing with a playful intimacy, youre far too knightly. I mean, just jumping at any challenge presented without a second thought like youre in some story? You really must be more careful Id be rather upset if you let something foolish happen to you.

He blushes, though I dont know if its from the ridicule or the admittance of concern. I thought you liked my knightliness. He half mumbles.

Its my turn to blush, and I smirk to the side as images flash through my mind. Well I will admit to there being some redeeming qualities to it.

He blushes at my tone, and Im glad Im not the only one. Er Well Another bet then? Double or nothing.

Im listening.

Well, if Addrian says that the academy first years average less than the number of your clients

I refuse, I interrupt him, sing song again.

What! You cant refuse!

I turn and look at him deadpan. Im certain a moment of thought will reveal the fatal exploit in the amendment to the betting rules which you are proposing. I do not claim that I have not been rather fortunate in my endeavours to gain clients. I simply do not think that I am extraordinary in them. Even so, many students, evidenced by yourself, will have no clients, which would drive the average down considerably. So, it would be a foolish bet.

Fine. Then how about a clarification to your precise wording? I propose that having a patron counts as having negative one client.

Ah Well, I dont really have a reason to accept, having already won, and it is somewhat tangential to the disagreement, but I suppose it would make things more fun. Agreed tentatively. If you get an amendment, so do I.

Its not an amendment, he interrupts, glancing towards the ceiling in mock dignified indifference, its a clarification of terms.

Its an amendment. Nowhere in law is a patron defined as a negative client, but Ill accept it. However, I would point out that our disagreement was about the norm for nobles in our school. Therefore, we should exclude the commoners from our inquiry, as they are much more likely to have patrons to get in, and are in a much worse position to gain clients.

He mutters to himself in thought. Fine. But, in the same vein, our disagreement was about how many you gained since coming here. So, we should exclude preexisting clients.

Fine. Then we exclude preexisting patrons too.

Ah No, I think only preexisting clients should be excluded, dont you? I mean he mumbles some excuse about negative need that I dont think even he understands. I cant help but smile seeing him feeling fully cornered. After all, nobles who got access to this school are in a much better position to gain clients, and are less likely to need new patrons, than they would have been prior to gaining entrance. So obviously therell be more new clients than new patrons.

Of course, this is rather superfluous from the start. There are naturally more clients than patrons in general, due to most patrons having multiple clients. His first caveat may have been necessary to make his victory theoretically possible, but even if I were to grant all of them, my victory is almost assured. The exchange is enjoyable though. Unfortunately, he seems to be out of moves. I spend a few more seconds relishing my victory before pouncing for the finish.

You know, it occurs to me that these caveats have less to do with whose original stance is right, and more to do with you coming up with excuses not to go to the library with me.

Yeah? And here I was thinking it was about you not wanting to spend the weekend with me.

I stop in my tracks as if my foot was snared in the trap of his perfect, unexpected reversal. Im a bit chafed by it, to be honest. Im supposed to be the ruthless one, after all. To shift back to relationship aggrievements to get ahead in a playful exchange is a bit of a low blow, but I have to admire the execution, even if I suspect he stumbled on it.

Sigh Hes right though. Maybe I could squeeze some time in for him. Not a whole day, but a few hours more than what weve been getting between classes. Yet Im hesitant.

I suppose it must return to the fucking question (by which I mean the question of fornication, rather than a question that is particularly vexing). In the moment, back when I did the ritual, I was willing to go wherever he led. But now, in the light of day, while I still feel affection towards him, including of the physical kind, the level of compulsion towards the body seems somewhat strange. I didnt feel out of control when it happened, but looking back on it now, it does, in a rather familiar way.

I already have a pleasure arrangement that compels me towards action. Would another one really be good for me? I dont know. Maybe. But I think its too early. So, I guess Im hesitant about spending too much time with him at once. That, given the opportunity, he might move things forward past where Im ready.

Our current arrangement acts as a protection against that. We dont have time to progress things too physically. The campus lacks locations for it, and we lack the time between classes. The closest we got was when I gave him the armour. I didnt feel rushed, but Well, I think we were a bit more active than our previous sessions. Maybe too much.

I dont think hed pressure me if I showed hesitance. He was, after all, very understanding about my ignorance of the matter. But do I want to give him the chance to be understanding, or rather not? Even if he acts well, what if I move myself past where I want to go? If I lose control? Ive done so before.

I wish Allan would have talked to me more about this. I understand him not wanting me to treat love like a game as he does. But I think he rather underestimated the level of basic information Im lacking. Ive read books in the interim. They talk about people losing themselves in the throes of passion. How literal were they? Could I, in this pleasure seeking mode, unconsciously perform the Anar ritual?

Images flash through my mind of us linking bodies as his soul parts us. His blood smearing on my skin as we rub together in his rhythmic death spasm. I flinch at the thought.

Sigh Im afraid. Thats fine. Fear was a normal state for a long time. Iguess Ive forgotten how to live with it. This fear though Well, a lot would have to happen before it could come to pass. Perhaps its absurd, though I cant shake it. I guess I have to, though, if I want things to work out. Ive been working on my control. Im more in control of my cravings than Ive been in years Well, not counting Anars quota

Malichi? Terry asks, grabbing my shoulder gently from behind. I flinch, but then relax into him.

I um Its not just clients. I have investments to manage too.

He looks at me, concerned, but chooses not to press my sudden silence and goes with amusement. Ha. Im not going to let you call gambling an investment.

Heh, well, yes, that too, I suppose. But Im talking about the regular kind. Its time consuming. Especially with the divinations needed to ensure safety.

Im sure Look, you dont have to

No, I want to. I just I think I can do four hours. Im sorry I cant do the whole day, but Well, you know.

Yeah, no. Of course. Its more than what weve been getting, anyways. What with all our classes.

I smile, already looking forward to it. Yeah Great Ill see you at the library tomorrow then, I say with a smirk.

He just laughs. Ill have Marcus find us a play that well both like.

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