Published at 11th of October 2026 10:05 am

Chapter 180: Transitive worry

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You look serious. Is something wrong? I ask after Terry pulls me aside into one of the twisting, curving book rows. He fidgets at the question, glancing away for several seconds of silence.

Im um Im sorry, but I dont think Ill be able to do those things we planned for around Newyears after all. Something came up and well, Ill probably be travelling during that time.

Ah I say with somewhat genuine surprise. I was so concerned about his safety that I had completely forgotten what this means for our plans. For the things Ive been looking forward to for weeks now. I get angry all over again, though to a lesser intensity than before. Is it absurd to get upset at him just leaving with less than a day's warning when I know the danger hell be facing? Probably, I let myself be angry about it anyways.

I mean, all those things I wanted to do that I just wont now. Because I really only wanted to do them with him.

Your thing with Bart? I ask lamely. Am I moving things along to hide how much I know, or just because I dont want to think about my reaction any longer?

Yeah, I guess I can say that much. He shrugs and leans back on one of the bookcases.

When will you be back?

I I dont know. Safest to assume I wont make any of our plans, though.

So wherever theyre going, its two weeks away or more. I wont be able to catch up without teleporting too. I should have realized that sooner, but there are just so many implications of him using a teleporter for me to go through. Lets focus on the ones relevant to what he thinks I know.

I see, I say, mirroring his lean on the opposite bookcase and crossing my arms passively. Thats disappointing. I was really looking forward to them too.

You can go without me. I wont mind.

Why does that irk me? No, be reasonable. Hes trying to make me feel better, never mind that its not working. Not able to completely overcome my I initial reaction, I go for a neutral shrug. It wouldnt really be the same.

Im sorry. I wouldnt go if it wasnt important.

I know, I snap, and instantly regret it. I breathe deeply and repeat myself more calmly. I know whatever this thing is with Bart must be important. I just Sigh. What am I supposed to say? That I understand missions and the sacrifice they require? I shouldnt even be upset about the missed plans, just the stupid danger hes putting himself in. But he doesnt know that I know that, so I cant be mad about that. I dont want to be unreasonable when hes going into danger, but I guess I am also upset about the timing, even though its stupid to be. Look, I understand, or I dont, but I do, you know. I mean, I wouldnt have gone through the trouble of getting you that armour if I didnt. Just promise me that youll be safe, okay. Promise that you wont do anything that my armour wont protect you from.

We stare at each other for several moments, him breathing heavier and heavier as my own breath catches, hoping for some insane reason for him to lie to me. To say that hell be fine even though I know that he cant.

Finally, he looks away, his voice cracking. Im sorry, Malichi, but I cant make that promise.

I cast my silence spell and scream, making him flinch away as I throw a random book on the ground. Then what was the point of me getting you the armour What was the point of even being together if youre just going to go off and get yourself killed in a way that there is apparently nothing I can do to stop it

He withers from my verbal offensive. Why am I doing this? I need to be reasonable. I need to be calm and understanding of what hes going through. After all, Im certain there will be times when I put him through the same if he lives that long. But I just cant seem to tell that to my heart, beating out of control, with my breathing likewise erratic. Its as if all my control from all my sources has been stopping some great pressure from within, and now that the control is broken, its broken utterly.

Im sorry, he whispers, though he knows I can hear him. His face sinks so low that my emotions swing to the opposite extreme, and Im about to rush in to apologize, but then he says something even more absurd that redoubles my anger. Maybe we shouldnt be together then. I thought our bond would be good for both of us, at least take my mind off things. But its irresponsible of me to form such bonds when I know they could be so easily ripped away. When I could suddenly die and leave you alone.

My face twitches in anger. What I shout. So what? Youre just going to abandon me before you have to? What good would that do? I dont want that; I just Sigh I grip my hair and turn away, taking two steps before turning back around. Why am I feeling like this? This tightness in my chest. I have supernatural control; I shouldnt have to feel anything that I dont want to Perhaps I want to then.

Im sorry, he says, reaching towards me, then drooping. I just thought well, I thought itd be easier on you if we werent still together if I died.

In what way would that possibly be better? It would just mean having to lose you twice.

He stares at me for several seconds, then nods sadly and glances away. Sorry. I should have thought of all this beforehand. Dont really know what I was thinking.

No, dont be I say, stepping towards him and feeling very sorry for my outburst. Im happy we got together even if things suddenly end. I understand how these things go. I do. Its just hard in the moment. Frustrating.

He reaches out and grabs my outstretched hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. I understand. Im being impossible.

No, its not that. Im just I dont even know anymore.

No, I am. Im not letting you in on this part of my life, even though it could ruin what we have together.

My eyes dart around his face, taking in the pain displayed by it the pain in his voice. I pull my hand out of his and slump, kneeling to the ground to pick up the book I churlishly threw. It doesnt seem damaged. Good.

I feel his gaze on me. It feels something like pity, but less harsh. He sighs and runs his finger through his hair. Look, if I do die, I dont want you to be waiting on me forever. If I dont come back by the end of the break, just move on. Assume Im dead.

I scoff. You think I wont be able to divine the basic facts of your continued existence? I am rather good at it, you know.

He nods sadly. I know even still, you might not be able to. Better to have a definite date, just in case.

Where are they going? Once again, I curse not making it back quicker. Hiding this frustration, I scoff again. Youre assuming thered be a line of candidates waiting to take your place. Deadline or not, I think itll be a while before I try this romance stuff again. I have practically all the time in the world for it.

Still, I think itd be better if you found someone else sooner rather than later.

I bite my lip and shrug, knowing what hes on about but not wanting to fight about it. He thinks being together with someone else might nudge me towards his vision for me. Maybe hes right, but Im not going to put in the effort because of it. Besides, this is all pointless if I find a way to follow him. So I just stand and say in a drained voice, Right Well, I guess Ill see you around, or not.

Malichi, he calls out as I go, so I stop to listen. I Im sorry I never let myself get as close to you as I wanted. Its unfair, but I think once all this is over, I could really bring myself to love you.

Heh yeah, same. The moment I turn the corner out of his sight, I run all the way back to Allan, pouring out all these developments.

Allan whom I caught in an increasingly uncommon moment of sobriety listens patiently to my woes. Thats really unfortunate he says, meaning it much more deeply than what hes trying to let on. I know he has hopes that Terry will somehow save me from myself, and I know he doesnt want me to see those hopes because how exhausting I find them. Still, Ill respect his halfhearted effort to conceal them and move on.

Heh, yeah. You know, its funny. At first I was just angry at the danger he was putting himself into without telling me. But as more time goes by, the less angry at him and the more disappointed I am at missing all our plans. Its stupid. His life is worth more than seeing ice theatre with him.

Yeah, well, youre going through a lot of emotions right now. No real sense of which one will come out on top at any moment. Trust me, I know. Its no use to chastise yourself over it.

Yeah, I know, I say, sipping my drink and leaning back in my plush chair to stare at a random spot on the ceiling. I guess Im just trying to distract myself from the fear by whelming myself with every other emotion.

He nods understandingly. Its good to be afraid when someone important to you is endangering themself.

I shake my head. That too, but I mean the fear for myself.

Yourself? he asks, leaning forward with a confused twist of his face. About what?

I give him my own confused look. Well, the things Ill have to do to follow him, of course.

He nearly sputters in surprise as he jolts up out of his seat. Malichi, you cant be serious. How do you plan on following someone using a teleporter?

I shrug, still surprised he hasnt already thought this through when its so obvious. Well, theyll be porting from the teleporters anchor, so my understanding is that the teleporter will likely stay behind (or at least a facet of them). So, Ill hide nearby, then once they port, Ill spring out and coerce the teleporter to take me to the same place.

Coerce a teleporter? he says with horror. Do you have any idea how stupid that is? Theres no way to know where theyll send you, so there's nothing you can do to ensure your safety. Theres simply no way to coerce them to do what you want.

I scoff, leaning back smugly. What are you talking about? Of course you can coerce them. Its simple: Just poison them and say youll only hand the antidote over once youre there safely.

He stares at me, mouth open and collapses back in his chair with a bounce. Okay, I suppose that could work, in theory. But its still stupid. Youd be trusting a lunatic to act rationally. They might just kill you both out of spite.

I shrug. Maybe. But what choice do I have?

Not going. He says as if he were waiting to. Why risk your life over him? He seems to have gotten along well enough before you started helping him from the shadows.

Maybe. They are rather skilled but complete amateurs when it comes to this sort of thing. I can only conclude from their myriad mistakes that the forces arrayed against them were much less before I came along. Hence, they need my help now.

And you think hell thank you for it when its given against his will?

No, but he doesnt need to find out.

He sighs and rubs his eyes. Please dont. You get in enough trouble as it is without collecting divine artefacts Look, Im glad you came to me about this, but I dont really know what to do if you already have a plan that you dont seem willing for me to talk you out of.

I guess I just wanted to talk.

Oh, he blinks and smiles. Good. Im glad. Im always open to, you know.

Yeah, I know, I smile back, weakly. Im glad hes not completely fallen apart yet. He seems to be slowing down in that regard too. Oh, and um I did need help with a few things. I dont have time to contact all my clients, so I was hoping youd help deliver some letters. Act in my stead in a few cases, if need be.

Right well, I guess write down what you need me to do while youre gone, and Ill try to do it.

As I do so, he gets out a stack of his own papers and goes through them. Its mostly just clients that Ill have go to him if they need anything while Im gone. Coin for my alchemist, potential intervention for the Mudhares. Things like that. He doesnt notice when I extend the paper to him, and I realize he has gone completely still save for his writing hand, which is scratching over the page in spasmatic jerks, tearing the paper as it goes. I look closer and see that he has repeated the same word at least a dozen times.

Finally sensing my movement, he looks up, eyes wide in terror. He looks back down at the paper and jerks his hand back, which begins to violently shake, resulting in a snapped pen a moment later. Tossing it aside, he looks back at me with increased frenzy, breathing hard.

I cant do this. I cant I thought itd be best for you to have a calm, rational figure supporting you, but this madness. Were not really blood related, but I care for you, Mal maybe as much as if we were really my cousin. Maybe even more. Maybe as much as it doesnt matter. What does is that you intend to put your life in the hands of a lunatic a hostile one at that. And then you calmly walk in here and ask me to calmly attend to your affairs and just wait for who knows how long for word of your life or death? Thats too much.

My own control shaken by his emotions, I open my mouth to speak, but only cracking sounds come out. I swallow, and look downward in shame. Im sorry, but what am I supposed to do? Hes likely to get himself killed without me.

Then let him die, he says with an intensity that repels me. I told you once not to seek advice from me about love. That it would be better for you to try to make it work just with this one guy than to emulate me, because of how you are. But I was wrong; love is a game, for everyone. At least, its nothing so serious as to risk your life for. Trust me as someone whos done just that.

I dont think you believe that, I say, searching his face for some glimmer to support my claim.

I do, he states flatly, then sighs. At least in the moment. Dont do this, Malichi. Its stupid, and you are not a stupid person.

Will you stop me?

He exhales with his eyes closed, releasing a tension. As if I could without seriously hurting you. Not unless knowledge of what this will do to me might stay you.

It does affect me. He has already been unravelling because of the stress Ive been putting him under. I cant even tell him to divine my safety given what Terry said of where Im going. I dont want to hurt him but there are more important things. Im sorry, but its not just about Terry. I might be able to use the orbs for my mission.

Heh, of course. Another reason that I dont care about. But fine Just, you might want to decide which one is more important now, rather than later. Itll likely save you some pain.

Whats there to decide? Of course the mission is more important.

He gives a knowing smile. And yet your first reason was keeping him safe. No matter. Go ahead. See what state Im in when you get back, dying from worry all the while. Maybe itll stop you risking your life stupidly next time if there is one.

I dont like when Allan is like this, but I cant say anything because I know I caused it. So, I just nod, knowing that theres little I can do. I could ask him to come with me, but no. Hed come, I think, but I need him here to manage things. I dont trust anyone else.

Ill um I do a divination before I leave, a powerful one. I wont go if it says not to.

He chuckles and nods his head slightly but repeatedly. We both know that wont be reliable. But I suppose Ill have to be satisfied with it. Chance help you, Mal nothing else will.

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