Published at 25th of August 2019 8:03 pm

Chapter 1: Going back in time – 1

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I love him, I love him so much, I can't help but loving him.

Such an emotion, one day along the way, I forgot about it.

But, I remember only this. In the olden days, I harbored this feeling.

*****************************

Ah, it happened again.

When I saw him fall in love in front of me, I vaguely had such a thought. Because he was maintaining an expressionless face, at first glance, his astonishment couldn’t be seen. However, in his eyes that were never lit with emotion as if they were made of thin ice, there was certainly no doubt that something had settled. For me this was a fact I understood quite clearly. After all, I spent a long time that spanned over ten years with him.

No strictly speaking, we have spent a more, terribly more longer time together.

As such, this scene has been shown many times over. The me of the past used to despair each time, each time, she would tell herself that such a thing couldn’t possibly happen.

“It is a pleasure to meet you, big brother.”

Smiling sweetly, my little sister born from a different mother introduced herself with her lovely voice. This tea party was an occasion prepared to introduce my little sister to my fiancé. This opportunity was arranged for my sister who was sick and had yet to be introduced formally.

“Nice to meet you, little sister. Isn’t it still a bit too soon to call me ‘big brother’ though?”

The pleasant voice of my fiancé reached my ears. It was the same voice as usual. Nevertheless, something was different.

The two of them were staring at each other, and I, who was at their side, had no other choice but to watch. My pretty little sister with her cheeks dyed in colors. My fiancé who took in her appearance with an earnest gaze. The past me was overcome with jealousy and ruined the party. In contrast to I who had ranted and raved, my gentle and innocent little sister had lowered her head and apologized.

“Big sister, I’m sorry.”

“There is nothing for you to apologize for.”

My fiancé had reassured her with a tender and smiling face that I still remembered even today. In the end, because my jealousy inadvertently became the trigger that shortened the distance between the two of them, it made me feel very unsightly and foolish.

“Ilya, is there a problem?”

To me who was absentmindedly gazing at the two people who were deepening their intimacy, my fiancé directed an inquisitive look.

“No, nothing. It is just that I’m feeling a bit unwell.”

“What, again?”

“Yes. That is why, would it be alright with you if I take my leave first?”

When I said such, my fiancé slightly frowned. He silently seemed to say ‘can’t you bear with it at least a bit?’. To this, I responded with a smile and got up as slowly as possible. Never let them realize you are upset.

“I apologize. Silvia. Please, take care of your big brother.”

“Ah, yes!”

I knew that it was impossible for my fiancé to believe in an explanation such as 'feeling a bit unwell’. The one with a weak body was not me, but rather my little sister. My little sister with her delicate, ephemeral, weak body. My little sister who arose in people the desire to protect and who was loved by everyone.

“Wait, Ilya. I’ll escort you back to your room.”

Behind me who has already started walking away, a voice resounded.

“No, there is no need to. It is the long-awaited tea party. Please, take your time and enjoy it.”

In order to not see his face, I softly dropped my line of sight, but carefully answered him in a way that wouldn’t show any disagreeableness.

“No, but.”

My fiancé who argued vehemently all the more was, like always, too serious and honest. I know you are trying to act like a rightful fiancé.

“I have an escort, you do not need to worry.”

I made an eye signal to the escort standing nearby. He took my hint and moved to obstruct the line of sight of my fiancé. My clever escort probably noticed I wanted to go back to my room as soon as possible. But there was no need for him to move. There was no need to obstruct me from his line of sight. My fiancé was no longer looking at me. Because his heart was already at my little sister’s side.

My feet made crunching sound as I was stepping on the lawn. The roses in the large garden were in full bloom. A gentle wing was blowing, a clear blue sky was spreading as far as the eyes could see. These sights I saw many times made me feel pathetic, I wonder if it was because the me of the past was crying when she saw them?

Was I crying because I yearned for my fiancé, because I loved that person?

Once again, it repeats itself. This time that never ends.

*****************************

I was a human being who, by some fate, keeps returning back to the same time.

Some people would call it ‘reincarnation’, other would simply say ‘a time that repeats itself.’ As for me, I don’t know the meaning this time bears. In the first place, I don’t even know whether there is a meaning or not. I just keep going back to the same moment.

It’s always the same instant. It starts at the moment when he falls in love with my little sister, and lasts until I die.

If I must remember my previous lives, then remembering at the time I was born would have been good. That way, I wouldn’t make mistakes when dealing with my fiancé. But the moment I remember is always the same, it is always at that tea party. At that time, it is already too late, between me and my fiancé a gap that cannot be filled is in place, rending the situation impossible to overturn. And finally, inevitably, he falls in love with my little sister.

In my first life, I liked my fiancé to the point of becoming madly sad. From the first time I met him when I was five, I only had eyes for him. For example, even if it was a political marriage, I never doubt my belief that one day, his heart would warm up and we would build a family. Because that had been the case for my parents.

However, he was from a marquis house and bore a lot of expectations for his future. In that way, even though I was his fiancé, I was not allowed to thoughtlessly approach him. In our country there are different peerages, that are furthermore divided into five court ranks. As the position becomes higher the number of people holding the title diminishes. His marquis house is at the first rank, while my earl house is at the third rank. Among the few marquis houses, his stands at the top, while among the multiple earl houses, mine is middle ranked. In terms of court rank only, we are apart by eight grades. Although my house possesses many financial assets and a long history, nevertheless, I was subjected to malicious gossips because one way or another I was paired with him whose family status I could not match.

As to why such an unfit me and him became engaged to each other, it can only be said that it happened simply due to a coincidence. Originally, he had another fiancé, but that young woman, several months after the engagement was made, she was afflicted with an illness and passed away. Because of that, as our fathers happened to be friends, and I happened to be close in age with him while I didn’t have a fiancé, we were engaged.

Suddenly, I was bestowed with the huge pressure of unexpectedly becoming the betrothed of the son of a marquis. Because I fell in love with him, I was desperate to somehow or another become a suitable match for him, but I knew this wasn’t enough. I happened to have been chosen, but I was always anxious about the fact there were many more suitable ladies. No matter how many efforts I would put in, I could never do anything about my appearance. For example, when I dress up even if I look good, if the raw material is bad there is a limit no matter what is done. On the other hand, around him gathered many young ladies with attractive face and figure whom by no means I could ever surpass.

That is why, I monitored the women that got close to him.

I made full use of my position as his fiancé. Because the only thing I could take pride in, was only this.

… … Right, in this way, my first life was bound to him.

I knew his heart was not on me. Still, I expected that by getting married and living together in the same house, his affection for me would grow. I intended to spend a long time together. I intended to foster his love over time. I also believed I would have enough time for this.

However, at the moment when he met my little sister, I understood that everything was only a wish that would not come true.

Time had nothing to do with it. In a mere instant, he fell in love with my little sister.

I could only watch it happen.

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