Published at 25th of August 2019 8:04 pm

Chapter 2: Going back in time – 2

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It simply must have been love.

Yes, at the beginning, and until halfway through, it seemed like it.

There is no doubt about it.

The moment from when that feeling started to be distorted, I don’t know when it was.

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“Oh, it seems like Soleil-sama is with Silvia-sama again, doesn’t it?”

The friend who was walking beside me suddenly let a mutter slip out of her lips as she looked toward the courtyard. If you followed her line of sight, there were the figures of the two intimately cuddled together. Once again, a feeling of déjà-vu rushed forth.

In the academy courtyard, the figures of the two sitting on a bench placed in an isolated spot unexpectedly stood out. Do you realize what you are doing? Or is it that you do not care about the eyes of the surroundings? Even if there are not many passerby, the students who occasionally walked by sent flickering glances toward them.

“Is it really alright to not call out to them?”

My friend who stands out with her magnificent good looks passed a hand in her golden hair while asking me such. To her question, I gently shook my head.

“I’m thankful for Soleil-sama taking great care of my little sister.”

I smoothly uttered words devoid of any heavy emotions to the extent that even I think they are said in a pure tone. In a life that keeps repeating itself countless times, and especially to protect my fiancé who cherish my little sister from the surroundings eyes, I have said this line many times over. While your fiancé is not here, being alone with another young woman is not a behavior worthily of praise, however when the young women is your fiancé’s little sister, the circumstances are different. I knew that the words, ‘It is because eventually they will become family’, can become a correct justification.

“Ilya-sama, you’re very tolerant, right?”

My beautiful friend Marianne laughed without saying anything more. Because she knew I monitored every woman that came close to my fiancé. She used to be one of those women.

In my first life, I heard a rumor saying Marianne was planning to get close to my fiancé, so at once I went to give her a few words. “Do not approach my fiancé.” If I think about it now, my opponent was of higher social standing and I was the one who forgot her own position.

At that time, I didn’t have that much of a grasp about my surroundings and the comportment I should upfold. ‘A woman blinded by love’, that expression was the most fitting for the past me. It was such an incident that it would not have been strange if Marianne’s house had sent formal protest demanding compensation. Because misled by the rumor, I acted without confirming the facts and uttered false accusations. I wondered why the situation didn’t became serious and instead we became good friends in this current life.

“I do not feel like disturbing the two of you.” She said this and laughed with a gorgeous expression. “To come in between two people who are in love, I’m not such a boorish person.”

If it had been after that tea party, I would have thought those words were loaded with sarcasm, but the time when Marianne and I exchanged such words was long before my fiancé and little sister met.

That was why, when I had heard her words, I simply became ecstatic. From the surroundings' perspective, my fiancé and I looked like we had affection for each other. My fiancé seemed to like me. Because I was harboring such foolish illusions, my dislike of Marianne was turned into friendliness. In other words, the tolerant person was not me, rather it was her.

Then, as to why there was a disturbing rumor that ‘Marianne is planning to get close to Soleil’, everything was due to Marianne’s family status as well as her eye-catching gorgeous appearance. Her house held the first grade among the earls, it was close to Soleil’s family, and the plausible rumor was that if I hadn’t been here, it’s without doubt Marianne who would have become Soleil’s fiancé. Even if the rumor was put aside, it was a fact that Soleil and Marianne suited each other.

If this was told to her, she would show a smile and answer, “My head is already completely filled with my own fiancé, so even in a life time such a thought would not cross my mind.” Her eyes were those of a woman in love. At that time, because it was the same eyes that I saw when I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I was easily convinced by her words.

… … In my former life, she and I didn’t become friends though.

A long, long time ago, the me of that first life, even if she had met Marianne several times at social gatherings, they barely exchanged a few words. With the same peerage, but with a different court rank, we were always perceived as rivals. The people in our circle would not permit us to approach each other.

However, even if in my other life she treated me like an enemy, in this life we became close friends.

In this way, in the lives that piled up, sometimes several discrepancies are born.

I don’t know why. At any rate, until that tea party, I do not possess any memory of the previous lives. It’s not like I did anything intentionally. I thought that perhaps, my actions were unconsciously affected and a trifling difference was maybe born this way, but I don’t know if this hypothesis is accurate. I just know that even if my life repeats itself, the actions of the other persons won’t be limited to the same course than in the previous times.

That’s what happened with Marianne. In my previous life, Marianne and her fiancé could not have been said to have had a harmonious relationship. However, in this life, they are in mutual love.

If I must give a reason for the creation of this slight disparity, I can only say that a big force that I cannot influence is at work. And because of that, everybody, me included, become little by little a slightly different person .

… … And yet.

And yet, no matter how many times life repeats, only his deep love for my little sister never changed.

To what extent does he love my little sister?

“Ilya-sama, you are truly very kind. You even persuaded your parents to let Silvia-sama attends the academy.”

Marianne pursued the conversation while directing her line of sight toward my fiancé Soleil and my little sister. Soleil who had glossy dark hairs combed to the back of his head exuded the dignity and imposing air of a senior, while my small little sister, because of her delicate and weak constitution, looked very young. Seen from behind, their figures were very disparate. Yet they didn’t feel out of place, the difference in height rather fit them. As if, from the beginning, they had been created as a pair. I followed Marianne’s gaze and the smooth and fluttering silver hairs of Silvia came into my sight. I muttered in my heart, ‘I’m not kind. I didn’t have any kindness in my heart when I did everything possible to assist my little sister to enroll. I simply could not bear with it any longer.’

“Big sister, how is Soleil-sama at the academy? Are you going to have lunch together?” With her lovely voice, my little sister kept inquiring about my fiancé habits. I simply could no longer bear with it. I was afraid to expose that I knew barely anything about my own fiancé.

How Soleil acted at the academy, I didn’t know. Not even once did he invite me to spend lunch time together.

If it’s about the friend that got along with him, then even I knew him, but only up till his face and name. Like Soleil, he was from a good house and because he was a young man that stood out, there were many rumors about him among the young ladies. I knew this because I heard it by chance. Because I have lived several lives, this person’s temperament, how long he would associate with Soleil, the color of his eyes, I knew all these details. But Soleil directly introducing him to me, such a thing never happened. In every one of my lives, he was beside Soleil, but the number of words I exchanged with him were not even enough to be counted.

In the academy, even if Soleil would pass near me, he would never raise his voice to call out to me, and the very rare occurrences of having our line of sights met were our sole contacts. The details I could narrate to my little sister were only what I knew.

If it had been before the tea party, I would never have thought of letting my little sister attend the academy. Soleil was an attractive young man. At the same time, my little sister too was a charming person. If there was the possibility of the two of them getting close, then at any cost, I would have certainly prevented her to enroll in the academy. Indeed, the me of my past lives had taken such measures.

But after the tea party where my memories were restored, where my little sister fell in love with my fiancé, and after I knew that my fiancé too once again fell in love with my little sister, my way of thinking greatly changed.

If you want to know about him so much, then go and see by yourself. It is fine for you to ask him directly. That was what I thought.

Because she had a weak constitution, my parents were afraid something would happen to her and were against letting her go to school. I convinced them for the sake of my little sister. 'For Silvia’s future, it was necessary to let her attend the academy. Because it would become a great opportunity for my little sister whose fiancé had not been decided even now. If it’s my little sister with her weak body, then as soon as possible she must look for a person that could protect and support her. If her physical condition were to deteriorate, I would back her up without fail.' I made such a fervent speech. It was completely as if, as long as it was for the sake of my sister, I could keep words flowing out of my mouth.

“I’m so happy I can go to school! Big sister, thank you!” My little sister’s round cheeks were dyed red in excitement. "It’s nothing" I answered and while laughing, I pretended to ignore the pain that rose from the depth of my heart. The me of the past was raising her voice inside my head.

… … Why would you do such a thing!

… … Don’t let Silvia and Soleil get close together!

Even I am not sure. What am I doing, what was it that I wanted to do, I didn’t know. Before that tea party, I was certainly in love with Soleil. My love for him was my life’s… no my existence’s raison d’être. I was only five years old when I first met him, but because I decided to become a person worthy of standing by his side, the me who was ‘Soleil’s fiancé’ was born at that time. After putting in so much efforts to the point of feeling sick, finally lately, the people around us had started to approve of me.

When I learnt that all my efforts, everything had been pointless, my despair was beyond description.

Soleil was gazing at my little sister. My little sister was gazing at Soleil. In order to never let their entourage find out, they understood they must hide out their feelings. Never let them breach the surface. However, their gaze was telling the others of the heat that filled them, while I was watching over them from afar.

Even though I have seen that scene any number of times, in this life, it is the first time. Every time I saw that scene, I certainly was hurt. As I was looking at my little sister on whom was directed a gaze I would never receive myself, I wonder why I could remain so calm. In my first life, after that tea party, I who was still confused, was criticized by my surroundings for my persecutions. “Your little sister is pitiful, why are you persecuting her”, said our parents while making a condemning face.

… … “Having a daughter like you is such a disgrace.”

If this was a story, the main character would certainly have been my little sister. A poor child who had fallen in love with a young man she could never be wedded to, her older sister’s fiancé. It sounds like the heroine of a tragedy, doesn’t it? In this kind of story that attracted a vast audience, I would play the role of the villainess noble daughter who gets in the way of the heroine’s love story. But this is not a fiction, it is without doubt the story of my life. Since it’s the case, why must I be condemned for taking pity on my own life?

It’s heartless, it’s cruel, why, what for?

I cried and shouted so much that even now I can still hear the voice of the past me.

… … Why is it that nobody will understand me?

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