Published at 25th of August 2019 8:04 pm

Chapter 3: The beginning – 1

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If what you’re saying is true, then why is it only you?

Why is it only you that keep repeating the same time?

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Why, why, why.

After she recalled her memories, the me at that time was controlled by these words for the rest of her life. Every time my life gets repeated, even though something changes a bit, my fiancé will always be in love with my little sister. And I too, fall in love with him. No matter what happens, only those don’t change. Every incident results from these facts. Even so, they remain unchangeable no matter what.

The realization that I keep repeating the same time always comes after that tea party. Maybe, if my fiancé and my little sister hadn’t met, then fate would have taken a different direction. But as if it was inevitable, at that tea party those two achieve their destined encounter. The one who guide them to this encounter, is none other than me, who is in love with him. I can’t even laugh at such a pathetic sight. Preventing this incident cannot be done.

The two of them meet and fall in love. At first, they think it’s one-side, but before long, they notice it’s a mutual love and exchange the thought that they mustn’t let anyone notice it. And I, who was the closest to them, watch them start to develop and raise such feelings. No, you can say that I am shown such development. The two of them who wouldn’t have met if I hadn’t existed. But because I’m here, they cannot be together.

In my first life, it was like hell.

At the tea party where they were introduced to each other, the eyes of Soleil when he looked at me who made a disgrace of myself, completely lost their warmth. Until then, when I criticized every single woman who approached Soleil with harsh words, every time he had scold me with frank advice. “What you are doing will not benefit me, and neither you.” In spite of his opinion, I didn’t stop. At that tea party too.

“Don’t make eyes at Soleil-sama” “Pretending to be delicate, what an awful child” “Trying to steal Soleil-sama from me”

While crying, while almost shouting, I uttered all the abusive words that came to my mind. It can be said that my appearance at that time was rather ugly and disgraceful. Indeed, my parents who heard the scene I was making were so furious they could have hit me. They lowered their head to apology to Soleil and harshly condemned me. “Your behavior is so embarrassing, such a disgrace.” The him who had fell in love with my little sister at first glance and whose eyes were still full of emotion, while he accepted my parents’ apologies, it seemed he started to feel disgusted by me who had directed abusive language toward my little sister.

However, the clever him didn’t let it show in his countenance.

Because the marriage between him and I had already been decided, and overturning this situation would have been very difficult.

I had been raised to become Soleil’s partner, in other words it meant that I had been studying to learn how to rule over a territory. It didn’t happen overnight. I learnt about the history, about the land, the people, their management. I mastered foreign languages, I memorized numbers, I comprehended the social situation. Because I received scorn as the standing of our families didn’t match, I desperately memorized everything to the point I could be on par with even men. That’s why it took many years and hardships to arrive there. Because I was raised for the purpose of becoming the mistress of a marquis house, the one most suitable to fulfill this duty was me. There was nobody else with the same competences. Anyone could clearly see that.

And above all of this, the fact that I loved Soleil was what made it even harder to break up our relationship. A political marriage accompanied with feelings from the beginning was extremely rare. The people in our entourage, and especially my and Soleil’s parents, welcomed the fact I had him in my heart. The thought that Soleil could possibly love Silvia would never cross their mind. These eyes of him that are like a layer of thin ice would conceal all his emotions.

After all, even if Soleil didn’t seem to have taken a liking to me, he still accepted that political marriage. Rather than bothering breaking off the engagement, he used it as a political strategy and properly treated me as his fiancé. Soleil was an ordinary man who fell in love. But as the same time, he was a noble in charge of ruling over a territory. To carry out his responsibility and duty, he seemed to have settled on taking me as his wife.

In the first place, political marriages were such a thing.

I was dissatisfied with the fact he didn’t have me in his heart, but even so, at that time I thought it was still alright. I truly believed it was the proper stand to take as Soleil’s fiancé. Getting married, living together, ruling over the territory, eventually having a child, I kept telling myself that after spending some time together and getting to know each other, it would have been alright. Because I loved him. I simply loved him with all my heart. It was as if the feelings that I harbored in my childhood had been deeply engraved in my heart and would never disappear. That’s why I never wanted to imagine that our relation might not go well.

And finally, Soleil and I got married.

I was eighteen, Soleil was twenty, and Silvia was seventeen years old. We got married at the same time I graduated from the academy. Since that tea party where Soleil and Silvia had met, two years had passed. At that time, Soleil had finally been recognized as a full-fledged knight and he was so busy with his work that it was really difficult for him to return to the territory. I think that fact contributed to dim my judgement. From an outsider perspective, Soleil and I were by no means hostile to each other. I also thought like this. If I were to exchange words with him, he wouldn’t treat me coldly and answered with amiable words. He had always treated me in the proper way as a fiancé, and after our marriage he continued to act like a proper husband. He treated his wife as a wife should be treated. If he were to see me tired, he would call out to me and gently tell me, “Are you alright? You should take a little rest.” If I needed to consult about a problem with him, he would kindly think of a solution. If I was worried about something, he would give me advices. During this hectic interval, I was deceived by the kindness I could catch a glimpse of.

He was a good husband. It was as though he was embodying the very picture of the proper ordinary ‘husband’.

In that way, one year, then two years passed. Around that time, I gradually started to notice. That in his eyes, the were no warmth at all.

In his words and his attitude, he was the kind husband who acted like a gentlemanly knight. Like a model of a ‘husband’. Yes, that’s it, a model. At some point, I started to see through his thoughts, ‘If I do this, it seems my wife will be obedient’, ‘If I say that, my wife will surely stay quiet.’ I probably found out because I witnessed his gestures, behavior and the look he gave when he was in front of my little sister.

The thing called family was really bothersome. Although some distance could be taken, ties couldn't be severed. That was especially true for those born in a noble family. Even if it’s only on the outward, you must appear to be on good terms. Because the house could suffer disadvantages from disquieting rumors. That’s why, after that first tea party, we attended several others and extorted efforts to deepen our friendship. No, in reality, the one who needed to exert efforts was only me. I always felt that to compensate for my failure at that first tea party, I was half-forced to participate.

At the tea party that was held that way, I was at the sides of Silvia and Soleil who were facing each other, and while looking at them, under the table I grasped my hands tightly. I told myself that I mustn’t commit the same blunder as the first time. Before the tea party, Soleil had gently preached me to absolutely treat my little sister well. In front of Soleil who was acting the role of a proper husband, I too, had to act the part of a proper wife. I believed that if I did that, his eyes would turn toward me.

But such a thing was bound to never happen.

Soleil’s long fingers touched my little sister’s thin silver hairs that look as if they would become untidy even if lightly stroked. My little sister laughed in embarrassment. Those perfect lips of her shaped like flower petals made a pure but gentle smile. If I could close my eyes, I would do so immediately. However, it was a situation where I couldn’t. Because I was Soleil’s wife.

Without having been able to force out a smile, I thanked him. “Thank you for being nice to my little sister.” After I said that, like always, Soleil smiled while his eyes remained cold, “It was the natural thing to do. We are family after all, so it’s a matter of course”.

Seeing us like this, my little sister with her innocent expression dropped a few lines, “Big sister, you’re really blessed. You have such a good husband.”

However, I knew that envy and jealousy were blended in her eyes. Because her body was frail and it would be difficult for her to give birth, she had yet to find a fiancé. In her eyes I wondered if what was reflected was the figure of an older sister that had everything she couldn’t get. I wondered what my little sister thought of me, who could only deceive her entourage with a smile.

With the social standing of a marquis’s wife, I had both the honor and the wealth, I also had a husband who was the head of the knights. If you looked from the outside, it certainly seemed I was blessed.

That’s right, those were the things I myself had wished for.

After all, I had been married into a ‘marquis house’. After all, I had been raised to this end. That’s why, the me who hadn’t notice had been foolish.

I hadn’t been married to Soleil.

“Big sister, you’re really blessed.”

The voice of my little sister who had said that line wouldn’t cease to echo in my head.

… … And then, after around three years had passed that way.

Suddenly, my little sister passed away.

As she was a young woman with a weak body, everybody had thought that if she were to die, it would have been due to her illness. But in fact, on her way back from a relaxing trip to the city theater, she had been attacked and killed by bandits.

When the news reached us, Soleil and I were having dinner together. It was a suggestion I had made to Soleil who was considerably busy with his knight work and barely could come back to the mansion. I had asked him to please free up some time to have a meal together occasionally. Even though three years had passed, I hadn’t show any sign of getting pregnant. Because our surrounding had slowly started to become critical, Soleil had to take my suggestion in consideration. He had agreed while straightforwardly looking at me in the eyes.

It was a dinner with barely any discussion at all. Still, I was satisfied. I was enjoying the pleasure of eating while looking at the face of the man I loved.

Such an ordinary dinner scene was suddenly stained by a pitch-black shadow.

The steward quietly whispered something in Soleil’s ear. While I was watching over him thinking it must have been something about work, Soleil suddenly looked at me with an expression I had never seen until then. It was a pitch-black glare, like a hole, where every emotion had been removed, excepted from a darkness that looked deeper than hate.

“You?”

That’s what he said to me who didn’t understand what had happened. With one hand he swept away the dishes aligned on the table and directed his pale face in my direction.

“You, was it your doing?”

He said it quietly, but I distinctly heard him.

With him saying that line so abruptly, I still didn’t know what had happened. I could neither affirm or deny his question, but I was overwhelmed by the glare directed at me and was trembling in fear. Soleil took my reaction as a confession and abruptly grabbed a knife from the dining table.

“Master!”

Maybe, if at that time, the steward hadn’t stop him, I would certainly have been killed. I, who was trembling in fear and had fallen at the foot of the table, was condemned by my husband.

“You, you killed Silvia, right?!”

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