Published at 25th of August 2019 8:05 pm

Chapter 5: The Second Life – 1

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Clank! The sound of porcelain colliding together resounded in my ears. That was how my second life started.

“What happened? Ilya.”

Soleil peers in my direction. Inside my head, memories of my already ended previous life rush over. It seems I’m about to faint. In front of my eyes is that same white table than at that time. The tea wares prepared for that day had been white porcelains adorned with the lovely design of scattered little flowers. I had expressly ordered it from the regular merchant who had goods my little sister seemed to like. The black tea leaves had been prepared for Soleil who had always liked their fragrance, while several kinds of freshly backed pastries had been made separately for Soleil who didn’t like sweet things and for Silvia who liked them. Disregarding the words of our mother who said it was alright to entrust it to the maid, I had arranged it myself. If I didn’t do it, I wouldn’t have been able to calm down.

Until this tea party, until this instant, my little sister had been ‘my cute, lovely Silvia.' Soleil was unmistakably my fiancé, the sole person who cherished me. For their sake, I had polished every detail to make this tea party an enjoyable event, made preparations beforehand, set instructions, and made plans so that the two of them could spend time in a relaxed mood. So, I had been thinking that anything and everything would go well. Until the moment the two of them met.

The garden where roses selectively bred were blooming beautifully was my mother’s pride and the place in which tea parties were held each time a guest was invited. That’s why this time too, it had been used. Because I had thought by doing so, nothing could go wrong. Arranging the tableware, pulling on the cloth, letting the maids set the tea and pastries. In that place, I waited for my little sister and my fiancé. While having a pleasant chat with my fiancé who had appeared first, I waited for my little sister to come. That child had been laughing and saying she was feeling great this morning. So, she would participate in the tea party without fail. Thanks god. I was thinking I wanted to make the introductions as soon as possible. I wanted to introduce to my cute little sister the fiancé I boasted about.

Then, as I was casually talking with my fiancé, I heard the footsteps of someone stepping on the lawn. ‘Ah, my little sister has arrived’, I thought and rose my head. Suddenly, when my line of sight landed on my fiancé who was sitting at my side, he had the expression of someone who was befuddled. His usually impeccable, toned profile, appeared somewhat idiotic as he was wearing a strange expression. Seeing this, my heart became stiff.

… … Ah, once again.

Someone whispered this inside my head. For a second, my breathing stopped.

… … This time too, it happened.

Very clearly, a voice I knew, said this.

Carrying a pale pink rose that my mother had put great efforts into raising, Silvia is walking toward us. The beige dress that was close to a white hue matches her clear white skin well. With her loosely tied silver hairs that are fluttering in the breeze, her appearance closely resembles the picture of angels seen at the church. I know that my blood is being drained from my complexion. To block my field of vision, when I close my wide opened eyes, memories of my first life flow through my head. My trembling hand drop the cup I am holding on its saucer with a clank.

“What happened? Ilya.”

When I noticed, Soleil who should have been sitting beside me had got up. Across him, my little sister Silvia stands here. I can see the figures overlap. Once before, I had seen the two of them standing side by side like this. Yes, once, in my previous life. At this moment that repeats itself, in the blink of an eye, memories of my already lost life are recalled. I suppress the scream that is about to escape my lips with both hands.

That I was still somewhat able to not lose myself, I think it was probably due to my attachment to Soleil.

I had never forgotten the failure made at that first tea party. That’s why, somewhere inside my confused head, the me of the previous life warns me I absolutely mustn’t fail this time. I have to smile. That’s what I thought right away. Fend it off with a smile. I must forgive the two of them who are staring at each other.

When I get up in a fluster and bump my foot on the table, the tableware on it make a strangely intense sound.

“What happened? It’s not like you” says Soleil while smiling wryly.

I realize that under my dress my feet are trembling.

“I apology.”

When I smile, Soleil also answers with a smile and stroke my back in a smooth motion. Receiving that gesture that seemed comforting, I almost erupted in cry in spite of myself. The figure that had called me a murderer, had spat words of hatred saying he would never ever forgive me, was presently not here.

I thought I was granted a chance. That god had granted me a chance to redo my life. That god had taken side with me who had met a sorrowful end due to false accusations.

“Soleil-sama, this is my little sister Silvia.”

Smiling, I make a quite natural expression rise to my face. When you are born as a noble, you will become able to easily paste such an expression on your face. Seeing me like this, Soleil also shows a smile. His eyes which are looking at me, as expected, don’t contain any emotion at all. But at least, there is no color of contempt.

“It is a pleasure to meet you, big brother.”

Soleil moves his line of sight from me to Silvia. For a mere moment, their line of sight cross. While looking at this scene, I suppress my pounding heart atop my clothes. In his eyes that look like a layer of thin ice, a color different from usual had flicked then disappeared. I had certainly seen it.

“Nice to meet you, little sister. Isn’t it still a bit too soon to call me ‘big brother’ though?”

Ah, I see. If like this, I calmly serve as this tea party host, will this time proceed this peacefully? The noisiness of the disturbance that happened in the previous time doesn’t exist, only a gentle and soft breeze is blowing.

It’s alright, it’s alright, I can do it. I won’t tread on the same path than last time. It won’t become the same, never, it won’t lead to that.

Soleil fixedly stares at Silvia’s face who lowers her eyes and says with a mild-mannered expression that her body is not very healthy. I didn’t fail to notice those fingertips that moved with a twitch. I am sure he wants to touch my little sister. He must yearn for that ephemeral being. His fingers which touched me without the slightest hesitation, were afraid to touch my little sister. It seems like a voice telling himself ‘I want to touch, but I cannot’ was resounding in his ears.

‘You can’t. You mustn’t lose your composure’ warns the me of the previous life. While striking a trifling conversation with Soleil and Silvia, I persuade both my head and my heart by repeating any number of times ‘I understand, It’s alright.’ I don’t want to be disliked by Soleil. I don’t want to be hated. Even if I have returned to an already irremediable situation due to my behavior until now, in that case I at least must avoid being hated. If it’s now, I surely can do it. After all, I knew all the incident that would happen from now on. All I have to do is to correct the mistakes. Everything will go well if I correct every single error I made. Isn’t it a simple thing to do? Just like how I’m doing now in that tea party, I certainly can manage it well.

… … This second life of mine, just like this, started to retrace the path trod in my first life.

What would make Soleil feels displeased if said, what would end up in a failure if done, all the things the past me hadn’t been able to see, were terribly clear to me. Rather than saying I vividly remembered my previous life, it was more correct to say I distinctly knew what would happen after this. Before anything had even started, the incidents that would occur from now on were reenacted in front of my eyes. So, I chose the alternatives that would lead to a happier life than in my previous existence. It was simple. I just had to follow the opposite path of last time.

However, even so, there were occasions on which no matter what, things wouldn’t go the exact way I had desired. For example, in a town I didn’t know, they unexpectedly happened to meet. Or that time when Soleil went to visit Silvia who was lying in bed due to her sickness. There was also the fact that, before I knew it, Silvia had become acquaintance with Soleil’s friend. In this way, there were incidents I couldn’t take part in and couldn’t correct the way I had wanted to. At those times, I had no other choice but to believe in the huge flow I couldn’t go against, namely the force called fate.

In other words, no matter what I did, I couldn’t prevent the two of them from loving each other.

If I had to said what could be done, at most, it was preventing Soleil from harboring animosity toward me. That was all I could do. It was only to that extent.

But in fact, even if it was only this, it brought me a lot more pain that what I had imagined.

I had thought I could do it well. To be frank, it can be said I had underestimate life. Because I had experienced it once, I felt like I was god and thought I could chose the right path. No, actually, because there was only one path I could chose, I intended to follow it.

A life devoid of choices, how much worth does it hold?

Such a thing, does it hold any meaning? I sealed away the words that convey my feelings, I didn’t do the things I wanted to do. I became detached from honesty and shut down my real thoughts in the depth of my chest. My thoughts didn’t accompany the words that left my mouth, as if, I was only reciting from memory a line someone had written, like I was trapped in an illusion. Sometimes, I didn’t even know if I was breathing.

Am I really living my own life?

Every day that piled up, each time I became older, I came to ask myself such a question.

Then, following the days that were passed in that way, Soleil and I got married. It was the same as in my first life. The decisive difference was that Silvia and I had built a good relationship as sisters. And Soleil and I had also become able to face each other much more than in my previous life.

Life was going better than the previous time.

But, it was an irremediably vain life.

It was a lot similar to the days spent praying in that jail. There were no exits. I didn’t have any freedom. Nor means to convey my thoughts.

In neither my words nor my actions, not a single thing, I could find meanings.

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