Published at 25th of August 2019 8:06 pm

Chapter 6: The Second Life – 2

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In my second life, among the alternatives I lost, there was the thing called ‘peace.’

Although I had sunk to the level of a foolish woman only concerned about Soleil who ran around driven by a violent emotion of deep jealousy, originally, I wasn’t a person who liked disputes. My words were few, I wasn’t eloquent, rather than standing in front of someone, it was more in my nature to step back behind someone and let him protect me. I wonder if it’s possible that, when you’re born and raised as the daughter of a noble, it becomes your natural disposition. An escort always sticks to you, before you can act a maid had already sensed what you want to do and had carried it out. In an emergency case, your life takes precedence over everyone else, you should be protected by either your father or your husband, without doubt you will believe that their large back exist for this purpose.

However, Soleil didn’t desire for his wife to be like this. Despite him falling in love with a so frail being, even then, I don’t know if it’s because he was seeking a person able to bear the weight of being a marquis’s wife, but he never allowed me to be a weak existence. I think that was especially the case after we got married. As the figure of a proper husband, while he would encourage me with gentle words, if I were to really ask him to lend me his shoulder, he would show a somewhat disappointed expression.

That was why I had had to become a wife stronger than anyone.

The me of the first life, probably had only been a normal woman. The kind of woman you could find anywhere. She may have received the training to become a marquis’s wife, but it can be said it was only such a woman. Regarding her other aspects, she was an ordinary woman to the extend she seemed pathetic. That was why, she would slander the women who got close to Soleil or pick quarrels with them, using these unmistakably poor methods to try to keep them away. The one who had been barking like a weak dog, without doubts, it had been me. I think it was because I clung to the position of being Soleil’s fiancé. With hairs of the plain color of ashes, mediocre features, but without casting away the pride of being an earl’s daughter, by relaying only on my feelings for Soleil, I always stood stock still in the middle of the violent stream called life. For that purpose, I had piled up efforts as thought I would vomit blood. Otherwise, even simply standing would have been difficult.

… … In that manner, when I looked back on the me of my first life, I thought this. All the things that happened, didn’t they occur because I had been a weak human being? Because my heart was weak, because I was a daughter who had nothing, I had provided a weak spot for those who looked down on me to take advantage of. Because the situation had been like this, I had been accused of the sin of murdering my own family and lost my life in jail.

When I learnt this was my second life, I thought that this time, I must lead it well. Even if I only looked good on the surface. Even if I only became a paper tiger. If, from the perspective of other people I looked like a tiger, those who would attempt an attack would probably disappear.

A life that would end in a jail, I didn’t want to experience it again. The person I loved didn’t trust me, my family turned their back on me, the people I considered my friend ignored me once I was thrown in prison. The pathetic woman who could only pray, didn’t receive a single word from them. Even if it had been a lie, it would have been fine. If even one person had told me “I’ll help you”, with only that I would have been saved. The me who had been waiting with all her heart for that single word to be said, had been a pitifully and miserably, irremediably wretched existence. And more than anything, she had been foolish.

That’s why, the me of my second life, took every possible measure and used all the cards she could play. Even if someone called me a coward, even if I was scorned for only being a woman, I never gave in, and made full use of my position as the next marquis’s wife. I acted that way at the time I was a fiancé, after the marriage I expended my circle of friends, and with an authority that was enough to overpower my surroundings, I strengthened my power base. I was considerably helped by the personal connections I had built since my early childhood thanks to my standing as Soleil’s fiancé. In my first life, I had been straightforward like an idiot, and never had the idea of using others. So, in my second life, I didn’t hesitate. Something like wavering shouldn’t happen. Them too, not for my sake, not for me as an individual being, would spare no effort and lend a hand if it was for a marquis. And in exchange, I would also send my assistance if they needed it.

… … What I had overlooked in my previous life, now I could see it terribly clearly. What words to choose for your conversation partner to harbor good will toward you, what kind of attitude to take to give him or her a good impression of you; by always reading their slightest reactions, the human being called Ilya was created. When facing someone, I took note of their nonchalant gestures, tone of voice, slips of tongue, expressions, line of sight, the number of times they would blink, even reaching the point of noticing the jolting of an eyeball, I observed them like I was descripting insects. When doing this, in due course, I understood who betrayed me, or who would try to betray me. I traced a clear demarcation between the people I could trust and those I couldn’t.

Sometimes, only because there were slightly suspicious, people would be convicted.

For me, no, for the people backing me, the power to make such a thing happen existed. In my first life, I had been in the position where I knew somebody had set me up, but I myself had been unable to stop it. I knew that being careless would led to dying. While tracking down people and driving them to a corner made me harbor feeling of guilt, it was necessary in order to protect myself to the end. Because I knew without doubts that if, like in my first life, I was accused of any crime, both Soleil and my parents, even the friends I had become intimate with, would easily abandon me. In that way, I simply single-mindedly sought power, harvested all the highly subtle suspicions, and trampled them.

To this, Soleil simply gave his tacit consent. What I was doing, was similar to how I had act before our marriage, but he probably knew I wasn’t driven by a childish jealousy now. After all, he was a member of the nobility. He understood that by only glossing over things, you couldn’t defend the house. For this reason, he chose me as his wife, as his piece.

“You’re a terrible woman” someone told me. “I don’t want to become enemy with you”, he smiled bitterly while somewhere in his eyes, he disavowed such a woman.

However, only Soleil grasped my hand, and told me it was fine. “Even when I’m absent, I can entrust the house to you with peace of mind.”

… … “I’m really glad I have taken a woman such as Ilya as my wife”, he said with a smile.

That’s why I persuaded myself. With this, it’s alright. With this, there is no doubt. It was the correct past.

Any number of times, I told myself that by following that path, by doing so, Silvia wouldn’t die.

For the sake of protecting Silvia, to accomplish that end, this time I really have to do my best. I have to be strong. I have to be an existence everyone is afraid of. No matter how much I truly don’t want to be such a figure. I must become an existence completely different from the child Soleil fell in love with.

And then, in the early summer three years after our marriage. The fateful day came once again.

In my second life, the gang of thieves that had attacked Silvia that day had already been arrested. The one who had acted against them had been me. Because I couldn’t stand by and do nothing when I knew she would be attacked, I used all the cards in my hands to drive that organization to its annihilation. They, who were arrested, probably had never thought such a thing would happen. They had dumbfounded expressions. When I looked at those faces, I could see that the raid on Silvia had only really just be due to the flow of events. At least, at the stage when they were arrested, they hadn’t plan to attack the carriage of an earl. In other words, that incident in itself only occurred that day by accident. And of course, Silvia hadn’t been specially targeted. The people who had set me up had just made good use of this incident.

If you thought like this, since the gang of thieves had been arrested, the odds that Silvia wouldn’t die were high.

However, I could hardly say the situation was safe. Because I didn’t know what kind of trigger would bring about that calamity. Clearly explaining her to not go outside, deploying an escort behind the scene, I devoted myself to the sake of protecting that child.

I have to change the course of these events. I simply thought that.

The future where Silvia is killed. The future where I am arrested as the murderer. The future where Soleil turns his back on me. This huge flow that is headed toward those ends, I have to change it.

On that very day, just to be sure, I made Soleil head toward my parents' home. It would have been fine to go there myself, but if anything happened, two woman who could barely move would simply become hindrances. When it came to Silvia, if you had to name only one person you could entrust her to, there would be no one else but Soleil. I don’t want to let him go, I don’t want to let Silvia and Soleil meet. But even if that was what I thought, for that one day only, I couldn’t let anyone else go to that child’s side. When I told him that recently, Silvia had been in a poor condition and I wanted him to meet her in my stand, Soleil agreed without raising any question. Just for a little bit, in front of that slightly relaxed lips, I closed my eyes, lowered my head and entrusted him with my little sister. At the tip of my lowered line of sight, my crossed hands were trembling. For what reason were they trembling, I don’t know. Because I’m anxious? Because I’m insecure? I thought at once I mustn’t let Soleil notice it. What should I do if he perceives it? What excuse can I make? Thinking all that, I raised my head, but.

… … He wasn’t even seeing me.

My face was indeed reflected in his eyes, but it was as if he was looking at me from afar. Was he thinking about Silvia who he would meet after this?

However, even then, it was fine. Because, I hadn’t been wrong. I hadn’t made a mistake. Even if the trembling of my hands wouldn’t calm down. Even if Soleil doesn’t even notice it.

As long as that child doesn’t die, it’s alright. It was today. For today. Today only. I ought to tolerate it.

Then, that day passed peacefully and uneventfully, like any other ordinary day. Silvia was safe and nothing happened. It seemed she didn’t leave the mansion nor did she go outside. At last, I had made it through.

Thanks goodness. It was great. Truly great. The things I did weren’t in vain.

On the evening of that day, alone, I broke down crying.

I felt I had finally been released from the fate that ended in tragedy. In a mood where I wanted to let out in a cry that all was fine, I shed tears without suppressing my sobbing. I pretended I didn’t notice that Soleil, who said he would be back by dusk, hadn’t return even after it had become the middle of the night.

… … And then, the time that I had lost in my first life, was returned to me.

I earnestly believed I would become a new me, that from now on my real life would start. My expectations and hopes were that, my life from now own would be conferred with a brilliant glow. I was convinced of that. Even now, Soleil was at my side, performing his duty as a husband. In the future, I would always be beside him.

Right, it wouldn’t be bad to have children soon. My true role was to give birth to the next heir and to raise him. Soleil would surely become a good father, and even I could become a good mother. Right, it would be good. To have a family. To become a family.

This time, I would truly be united in marriage with Soleil.

I had such a dream. A blessed and happy dream.

A dream that was destined to never come true.

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