Published at 25th of August 2019 8:11 pm

Chapter 15: The dream that the Soleil of this life sees is – 1

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It’s a dull iron color, she said as she cast down her eyes. Like an old woman’s hairs.

He opened his mouth to say it wasn’t true, but the words wouldn’t come out. Contrary to his own intention, he sneered and said, “Indeed.” Hearing this, she kept her gaze down and only her lips showed a little smile. Of course, it wasn’t a smile of delight. But it neither felt like she was sad. Right, if it must be compared, it was a smile of resignation. It was the expression of a person who has already given up on everything and anything. I knew I should correct her, but as before, tasteful words wouldn’t come out.

… … Why is it like this? This, this is, not like me. To hurt her. To make her show this expression. This, is certainly not me.

The faded green color of my eyes looks like the tinge of a leaf just before it withered, my parents too don’t seem to like it. She laughed one more time. She took a little breath and asked me, you don’t like it either, right? For a normal listener, her mutter might sound like a mere idle complaint. Like something that could be easily ignored. However, I immediately understood she wasn’t expecting me to deny her. It wasn’t like she wanted me to do so. She was pretending to ask me, but in reality, there was no need for an answer. Her behavior betrayed her thought that it was natural to reply with an affirmative. When I tried to ask why she needed to always depreciate herself so much, ultimately only a sigh left my mouth. It’s not that I wasn’t aware of the effect it would have, but I couldn’t swallow that sigh. I certainly thought it was bad, but I couldn’t take it back. She, who seemed to had been carefully waiting for my reaction, without showing the slightest sign of surprise, she strongly closed her eyes once, then soon she straightforwardly stared into my eyes without turning away.

Her eyes which seemed to radiate light were enough to overturn her assessment of herself.

That it’s a faded green color, I never once thought such a thing. Certainly, it’s a light hue, but I noticed that when you changed the angle, you’ll see they were slighted blended with a trace of amber. I thought it couldn’t be compare to anything else in the world, they were the only eyes with such a color. When I catch a sight of her eyes, for some reason it makes me feel happy. Completely and thoroughly happy. I’ve always thought it was a mysterious color. But, I never conveyed this feeling into words, and while I thought now would be a perfect time to say it, my lips only grasped for air and my voice refused to come out.

Something, an inconceivable force that I can’t begin to understand, is at work. I must say it. I must quickly say those words. If I don’t do this, I’ll lose her heart. Even though I knew this, my tongue refused to move as if it has been sewed.

“Ah, it’s already this late. I have a lesson on courtesy now. Soleil-sama, please take your time. You see, this child will come too.”

When I followed her gaze, I saw a young girl whose silver hairs were fluttering in the wind as she was walking toward us with a smile on her lips. The tea party that was hold in the garden of the earl’s estate only had two seats facing each other. Can it be that, from the start, Ilya hadn’t planned to stay? Indeed, she was trying to leave as soon as she finished the greetings, exchanging as fewer words as possible.

… … Why? That tea party, didn’t you prepare it for the sake of your fiancé, for my sake?

As I tried to say that, I noticed that the young girl she had called “this child” had arrived right beside me. The girl’s sight wasn’t fixed on her older sister but rather on me, her sister's fiancé. Receiving her gaze didn’t make my heart flutter. … Although it certainly didn’t, for an unknown reason a smile rose to my mouth. I’m not happy. It’s not funny either. However, I can’t help but feel happy. I can’t help but feel amused. It was as if I was drunk.

“…It has been a while. How are you feeling?”

My lips that felt they were absolutely not my own moved to express words of concern for her. Meanwhile the distance between me and Ilya was increasing and yet, I couldn’t chase after her. As if they were fixed on the ground, I couldn’t even move a toe.

“Today I’m feeling particularly well. I don’t have a fever either.”

As the girl lowered her gaze in bashfulness with her cheeks died red, her long eyelashes cast a shadow over her rare purple eyes. Ah, what a waste. While wondering while I’m thinking such a thing, I lowered my body to peer into those eyes. When I saw my foolish face reflected in these clear eyes that twinkled mysteriously, my body felt drawn inside them as if a string within me had been plucked.

… … No, it’s not right. It’s not those eyes. I don’t want to be reflected in those eyes.

“… Big brother…?”

“… Didn’t I say it? It’s too early to call me like this. So, you know…”

Call my name. I heard a sweet whispering voice resounded from somewhere far away and my head ached.

This, what is it? I, what the hell am I saying?

I feel sick. It’s nauseating.

“… Soleil-sama?”

A fleeting and passionate gaze was raised toward me. I felt that I had seen that kind of gaze somewhere sometime, but, I simply stood stock sill in blank amazement, not understanding the reason why it was directed at me. No, that what I thought but the next moment, with a slight hesitation I gently touched the girl’s thin shoulder.

“I don’t want your condition to degrade again. It’s better to sit down quickly.”

From my mouth overflowed a whispering voice that didn’t sound like mine. “Thank you”, she said and while I look at her sat down on the seat that I pulled without any hesitation, I stupidly thought that seat was originally for Ilya. Even though I couldn’t even chase after her, what am I thinking? Meanwhile, the young girl who is Ilya’s little sister was talking to me while laughing really delightfully.

… … Silvia. Ah, that’s right. She is, my… my, my… ?

“… Soleil-sama, thank you for what you’re doing every time.”

Her thin hairs that looked like they would melt in the atmosphere if you touch them were dancing in the air. The beauty of those hairs was praised by everyone. It’s because the maids carefully groom it, she said while smiling like it’s a trivial thing. I’m also proud of it, I added.

“Can I ask for what exactly you’re thanking me?”

“… For being kind to me… Truly, I’m really thankful. Because Soleil-sama, if you hadn’t come, I wouldn’t be allowed to drink tea like this in the garden. Both my parents and my big sister are overprotective. They think I will become sick just from being exposed to the wind…”

“… Unfortunately, it’s not only your parents and sister who think like this.”

“Soleil-sama too?”

“Hum, that’s right.”

“Then, why…?”

“But I think a change of pace is necessary. It’s better for you to go out more often. Seeing the color of the sky, feeling the earth, smelling the air, exchanging words and opinion with someone else, it’s a lot better doing it than simply imaging it. This will at least become a reason for living.”

Silvia who listened to my speech with a sincere look repeated in a mutter the words “a reason for living”. And after a little while, she raised her gaze to look at my face with her wavering eyes.

“… Could you become it? A reason to live.”

“Hum?”

“Rather than ‘someone else’, can’t it be you?”

The young girl said this with a dreamy expression. As if to adorn the background scenery, the large roses raised by their mother were in full bloom. With her transparent white skin slightly died red, the girl waited for my answer. Once again, words that have nothing to do with my own will are assembled arbitrarily.

“… Of course, Silvia.”

Because I will become your big brother. Although just some time ago I repudiated her and told her it was too soon to call me “big brother”, my own voice that said it shamelessly sounded slightly exalted. I thought it would be good to become her brother as soon as possible. I even thought that there would be no greater blessing than becoming Silvia’s reason for living. When Silvia smiled at me with a joy that came from the bottom of her heart, my own lips also loosened up. While wondering what kind of farce this was, I thought it would be great if this gentle moment could last forever. No matter how much I struggled, I could only become her “big brother.” But if I can be beside that girl, beside Silvia, then that would be plenty enough.

… … No. It’s wrong. Why? There is no way I would think such a stupid thing. Because, I. I, I’m Ilya’s fiancé.

*

*

“Hey, Soleil. Your fiancé, recently she hasn’t be well you know.”

A friend talked to me during our fencing training. Because my family standing was too high, people tended to keep their distance from me but he was a someone who was friendly with me despite this. I knew him since we were children and I was aware of his character.

“… By not being well, you mean?”

“It’s rumored she keeps in check every single woman who approach you.”

“… What?”

“Oh, so you didn’t know? It has become quite the rumor in the academy. Because your fiancé’s jealousy is scary, it’s better not to get close to you.”

My friend shrugged his shoulders and smiled wryly. A woman jealousy is dreadful, he said. While hearing his story without really listening to it, I was deep in my thoughts, feeling that something was out of place. It’s unbelievable that such a rumor existed, it didn’t sound like what my fiancé would do. There was no element to deny the rumor. Because it wasn’t like I knew everything Ilya was doing to the extent of being aware of every single of her move. However, the Ilya that I knew would obediently face forward without sparing any effort, on the other hand she shouldn’t have been a person who would get fixated on something.

“Your expression says you can’t believe it.”

My friend grinned with a nasty smile. As his eyes lightened up with a shrewd glare, he added, “But I’ve also seen that scene you know. It was really unsightly.” His remark showed his contempt for Ilya. At the second I flared up, ready to lose my cool, my mouth distorted in a queer shape like it was agreeing with him. It was probably a kind of sneering rictus.

… … Why was I making that expression? It’s my own emotions but I couldn’t control them. Even though I should be arguing she is not the kind of person who would do that, even though I should believe in her no matter who else doubt her, I couldn’t do it.

“Come to think of it, your fiancé seems to have a little sister, right? There is a talk about how the hidden princess of the earl’s house finally appeared in the high society.”

As I was grinding my teeth out of frustration because my body was acting contrary to my thoughts, the conversation changed topic in the meantime.

“Is she really as lovely as a fairy? It’s regrettable that she has poor health, but even my parents praised her and said she was well-behaved and had a good personality. I also wanted to meet her, but when it was time for her social debut, they hide her saying her health went down.”

Even though he had never seen Silvia in person, my friend kept talking about her as if he was lost in a dream. With such beautiful silver hairs and purple eyes, maybe she’s not a fairy but a goddess! I listened to him exclaimed this in a loud voice. Although I nodded with a collected expression, involuntary I raised my eyebrows in a frown.

“Hey, what are you talking about?”

Attracted by his voice, the gazes of the people around us gathered in our direction. They were our fellow knight students. Maybe because he was in a good mood, my friend talked with them about Silvia. He didn’t conceal the fact that the beautiful girl who suddenly appeared in the high society was Ilya’s little sister. I also heard him narrate in an exaggerated tone that while Ilya and Silvia were sisters, their outward appearances were completely different. Regarding Ilya, his description gave the same impression as what he saw previously. As for Silvia, he talked about the impression his parents had of the girl they saw at a social gathering. Both contained a few exaggerations and dreamy statements, and they became different descriptions of the actual girls. Even though I should speak up and correct it, the inquisitive gazes turned in our direction seemed unlikely to repress their curiosity, like they were telling me it was useless to deny it. Moreover, I didn’t know what I should deny and how to do it. The other students who didn’t realize my mental dilemma came closer to listen to the rumored girl who was the topic of the high society. Eventually, I helplessly lowered my eyes to avoid their gazes.

What my friend was saying was incorrect but it wasn’t wrong. Silvia was certainly beautiful. Her glittering hairs particularly attracted people’s eyes, not to mention that her frail body aroused in others the desire to protect her. Her eyes which were like jewels, were of a mysterious purple color rarely seen in this country. It would be easy to put this description into words. I could have also told my friend about it. However, as I was Ilya’s fiancé, this wouldn’t be allowed. If I were to do it, it would appear as if I had fallen in love with my fiancé’s little sister. This wouldn’t be good.

Besides, if I told them I had been in contact with Silvia before, instantaneously she will change from a product of one’s imagination to a person of flesh and blood. I think it would be very dangerous. Maybe ill-intentioned fellows would try to approach that innocent girl.

That’s right. Because one day I will become her big brother, I must protect Silvia.

Just a few days ago, I heard someone say, “Soleil-sama is very kind. Silvia-sama was talking about it. That the one who prepared her dress for the evening party was him. It must have been quite difficult to prepare dresses for even the little sister of his fiancé. Both Silvia-sama and her parents were delighted by his thoughtfulness.” It’s not that I didn’t understand the meaning of their suppressed chuckle. I know their words included a sense of criticism for having overdone it. However, I thought it was alright like this. If that made Silvia happy. If that make the young girl who begged me to become her reason for living smile. Then, that would be truly fine.

… … No, wrong. What am I saying? Such a thing is impossible. There is no way I would think that. I can only think I’ve become crazy, something is wrong with myself. I, what the heck happened to me?

“Hey, hey everyone, won’t you stop here? Look, you’re bothering Soleil.”

Although I clearly refused to talk about it, still, my classmates were trying to gather more information about Silvia until one of my friends raised his voice to stop them. Even though he had also been inside that ring of listeners since a while before, he made a call at this moment out of self-interest.

“Even Soleil is determined to hide this cute, cute little sister of his.”

Those words felt to the bottom of my chest. Ah, that’s right. I don’t want to let anyone see her.

… … Ilya who I met after not having seen her for a while lowered her gaze and smile.

“… Thank you for always being so kind to Silvia.”

That distorted smile looked as if it would change into a crying expression at any time.

Several times a month, if there were no urging matters, it was agreed by both our houses to visit one of the mansions in order to deepen our friendship. It was only for a few hours, we only met for a few monotonous hours, but it wasn’t tedious. Contrary to the other women who only enjoyed swallow conversations devoid of deep contents, exchanging words with this clever girl was a pleasant and fruitful moment. That’s why, this time too, I was waiting in expectation for these hours.

“That you prepared a dress for Silvia… I, didn’t know about it…”

However, at the moment our gaze met, she lowered her face immediately. It was the same reaction than at the first time we met, the same reaction than when she tried to hide she was shaken by a feeling of insecurity. While I noticed it, instead of worrying about her I shook my head and answer, It’s alright. Because one day we’ll become family. When I said that, Ilya raised her face to look fixedly at me, then she smiled again.

“For having Soleil-sama as my fiancé, I’m really blessed” Despite her saying this with a laugher, her expression didn’t show the slightest trace of happiness.

Looking at her face, “what are you dissatisfied with?” such unreasonable words almost slipped off my mouth and were stopped just in time. I couldn’t even understand properly what I was trying to say just now. When Ilya suddenly raised her head, I gazed at her big eyes which became even bigger and I remembered that I had criticized them for their faded green hue. “… There is, nothing, I’m dissatisfied with” Her voice trembled unnaturally. I noticed that the words which should have been stopped had gone out of my mouth and I took a deep breath, but it was already too late. “Really, nothing.” As I remained silent, Ilya thought my mood had been dampened and repeatedly correct it again. Looking like she was repenting, her fingers crossed before her chest became completely white. With how much strength must she clench her hands for them to end in this color? I noticed that her nails were digging into her flesh and reflexively tried to grip those hands but both my arms refused to move an inch, as if I was paralyzed. Even though I regretted my verbal slip, words to correct it didn’t come to my mind. “If I have cause a misunderstanding, please accept my apologies.”

As she was lowering her head I didn’t know what kind of expression she was making. But I couldn’t even urge her to raise her head.

Ilya is not wrong. She has done nothing wrong. Even though I knew I was doing something terribly cruel to her, I couldn’t act like I wanted.

This, what the hell am I seeing? I, I, who am…?

No, you, who the hell are you?

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