Published at 25th of August 2019 8:11 pm

Chapter 16: The dream that the Soleil of this life sees is – 2

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“Wow, your wedding was really something. You know, your fiancé… no, she is already your wife now. I thought she was a strong-willed woman, but if she doesn’t speak, she doesn’t look that bad.”

There was only me standing beside my friend. I listened to him spoke without mincing his words and I smiled wryly. From the beginning, Ilya was a person of few words. But it’s probably useless to explain this to my friend who has already seen her frightening side. A part of him think Ilya is a person who regularly abuse others verbally.

“But once everything is thought and said, the best one is still Silvia-chan! She was like an angel!”

He clenched both his hand in excitement, and his loud voice attracted the glances of the people around us, exactly like that other time. The expedition of the chivalric order I belong to had ended and we finally had returned to our headquarters. I hadn't gone back home for several weeks already and my superior was laughing at me, saying I had it hard as a newly-wed. I was told that if I wrote a letter my wife would be pleased, but since the wedding ceremony, the two of us didn’t have a single conversation that sounded like one. Although I went to town to buy some writing paper that a woman would like, at the moment I put down the tip of my pen on that brand-new paper, my fingers became rigid. At the very least, I thought it would be alright to write down words inquiring about her health, but the ones I came up with only expressed concern about the state of the territory, it ended up being a businesslike letter asking her to take care of the well-being of the citizens. I couldn’t help but be shocked by the content that was like a written report. Originally, I didn’t have the intention to write something like this. I wanted to say something more personal, for example, in the area of the expedition, I saw the white flowers Ilya liked growing en masse and that sight was really beautiful. Or that when I went downtown, I found a hair ornament which would shine in her hair. That it was hard to submit the group of bandits but we somehow managed to fulfill the mission. That the expedition was harder than what I had imagined but my friends supported me. Everything I wanted to say was really trivial, but I intended to make a list of all the things she probably wanted to know. And yet, the pen arbitrarily chose different words and put the sentences together. When I finally finished writing, fold the paper then put it in the envelope, the weight on my shoulders increased. Only a sight leaked from my mouth. I felt that I spent most of my free time during this expedition writing letters. I did think it was bothersome. But I wanted to become “a good husband.” As a man I had the aristocratic duty of forming a political marriage, but I understood I couldn’t carry out that responsibility by myself.

I want to go home. I want to go home soon. When I’ll see her face, surely, the words will come to my mind naturally. The physical distance was surely proportional to the distance of our hearts. It must be that, surely.

… … However, somewhere inside my heart, there was also a part of me who thought it would be better to not meet her. When she’ll see me, she will surely lower her eyes. She has been doing that since long ago. That’s why I could easily imagine that scene. I knew that it’s not like she hated me, so I’ve asked her what was wrong. But, she had simply shaken her head a little and showed me a smile. “It is nothing”, she said. But on her gentle expression, another intention was hidden.

But the depth of that intention, its strength, I didn’t know them.

As I quietly looked out of the window, the cold moon was looking down on me. I’ll probably return to the mansion tomorrow morning. For some reason, when I closed my eye, I suddenly saw silver hairs. I wonder how is Silvia? Such a thought crossed through my mind. More than the face of my wife, more than the existence of my wife, what floated in my mind were those of that little sister. Although I was considerably disturbed by that fact, I realized during the expedition that I was only thinking about her. Then, another letter was written separately aside from the one for my wife. When a voice echoed inside my mind, telling me such a thing was wrong, I ignored it and continued writing. Sometimes I enclosed a pressed flower inside the letter, and I dreamed of the happy expression of that little girl. I shivered at the thought I pulled out something like that without the slightest hesitation even though I never did this for Ilya. Yet, I couldn’t control myself.

Because that child was my little sister. I justified my conduct by even preparing the excuse that it’s obvious I should be concerned about that person.

Unlike Ilya who can manage everything by herself, Silvia will look at me with a dependent gaze. I felt a sense of relief when I see the silhouette of the troubled girl who can’t even stand up by herself. What is present here, is the ideal I pictured during my childhood. I wanted to become a person you could rely on. I wanted to be a strong person who could protect and cherish someone. However, it wasn’t allowed for the person standing beside me to be someone weak who needed the protection of others. Governing a territory wasn’t something easy. At the moment a weakness appeared, you would be scooped of your feet. That was why, I couldn’t become the partner of that person who would become my weakness. My partner must be someone who think by themselves, who can express their will, stand on their own feet, who can stand up at the front in case of emergency and take the commands. That’s why I chose Ilya. I chose her because it’s a political marriage, but it wasn’t the only reason. I was engaged with her since we were children, however, if her achievements to become the wife of a marquis weren’t enough, the relationship could have been canceled at any time. She didn’t know about it, nevertheless, she wasn’t negligent in her efforts. I found her attitude of sincerely appealing that she liked me preferable, and while love seemed unlikely to bud, I thought trust could probably be given. It was practical and realist. I trusted her, and I should be trusted.

By living that way and accumulating days , we will become a genuine couple. I have vowed to do so. Even if love didn’t bloom, at least, I thought we could become comrades in arms who leaned on each other backs. And yet.

Gachan!!!

When the pulled-out table cloth struck the floor, broken pieces of porcelain flew off in all directions. Ilya who was staring at them dumbfounded, unconsciously stumbled to reach out to them. No hand came to support her and she abruptly flop onto the floor. My face made an expression of scorn as I saw her appearance that could be called unsightly.

Silvia, died.

Faced with this fact, I couldn’t suppress the violent emotion that boiled up from the depth of my body. Sadness only dominated me for a moment, after taking one deep breath, I was immediately controlled by hatred. Inside my body a burning hatred and fury swirled forth. If I were to speak now, I could only spat out curses. Breathing out heavily like a best, I finally managed to say something.

“… You?”

You, did you kill Silvia?

The voice that said that seemed quite distant. As if the scene that was played in front of me was acted by somebody else. Nevertheless, Ilya who clearly showed a relived expression when she heard Silvia was dead, made me comprehend the heart of the matter. Without thinking my hand which had seized a knife stiffened and I took a big step with the intention of stabbing it in her neck. If the steward hadn’t thrown half his body forward to protect her, the point of the knife would have certainly pierce her pale skin. Having your mind goes blank was surely the situation that happened to me at that moment. “Master!” The voice of the steward was almost threatening and deprived me of my fighting spirit. The knife dropped of my fingertips, at the same time, my whole body was drained of its strength as if it couldn’t bear that sense of emptiness. That I barely managed to not sit down was probably because as a nobleman, as a man, I retained a last trace of pride. I didn’t know if I was relieved I didn’t end up killing my wife, or if I was regretting I couldn’t accomplish it. I trusted her. I intended to take care of her. I had faith in her as my wife.

When I thought that, I no longer wanted to see her face. That woman’s complaining voice mixed with sobs seemed to follow me and it felt extremely unpleasant. Feeling nauseous as I caught sight of that woman’s fingers reached out in my direction, I left the room while scolding my staggering feet. I have to go see Silvia. If that girl has truly died, at least I wanted to say a few parting words.

It’s fine to condemn Ilya later.

I didn’t intend to forgive that woman who murdered her little sister.

… … Wrong, wrong, wrong!!

Why, why did you reach that conclusion? You, what the hell are you saying? Ilya would never do such a thing. She is not the kind of person who can do that. Certainly, it was hard to say she had her little sister in her heart. They were far from getting along well as sisters. But she didn’t hate her to the point of wanting to kill her. Ilya, loves her little sister. That’s right, I’m sure of it.

“Collect the proofs of the crime committed by Ilya. Don’t miss a single one, gather everything.”

When I gave the order to the steward who had chased after me, he replied immediately and disappeared. He’ll probably start to work on it at once. He is an excellent butler. I could see that it wouldn’t take long before the work could be finished. In the meantime, I have to proceed with the preparations to divorce Ilya. Murdering a member of one’s family is a serious crime, although most noble couldn’t get away from it, it was a different story for someone from a marquis house. To not let Ilya be protected by our court rank, I have to remove her from the family register and I also have to isolate her from her parent’s earl house.

Wait, please wait. What the hell are you trying to do?

The girl who called me her reason for living was killed. That sin must be paid for.

Stop it, stop, stop it please… !!

I will show you a dreadful reality worse than death.

… … Why, why?

“… You… Why, are you so unjust, why are you going that far…? Even if it was for a short period, she was still your wife.”

After having taken a leave from my affiliate knight order, I shut myself in the mansion. When I was compiling documents in order to apply for the divorce, my friend appeared with a grimacing expression like he was visiting someone ill. The man I had not seen for a long time didn’t have his usual cheerfulness. He was the man who insulted Ilya, my used-to-be-“wife”. I smiled and said I was disillusioned by her unsightliness and how she abused others. Even you, weren’t you infuriated when you heard she had murdered Silvia? That things have come to this, it’s Ilya paying for her own wrong doings. It’s not me who did this.

“Soleil, I… I can’t bear to see you like this. Both you, and her.”

Why won’t you forgive her? My friend hung his head and muttered a few complaining words. Forgive? What are you saying? Are they any reason to forgive?

She had killed Silvia.

“Did you go see her even once? She is still believing, that you, will come pick her up.”

The voice of my friend collapsed unnaturally. I thought he might be crying, but I didn’t understand the meaning of his tears. When I bent my head in wonder, he looked like he saw something unbelievable and covered his face with his right hand.

“Do you plan to become a murderer…?”

I thought about the meaning of his inquisitive words said in a muffled voice, but I really couldn’t understand. The one who was a murderer, was Ilya. Why do I have to be blamed? I’m doing the right thing.

The right thing.

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