Published at 25th of August 2019 8:12 pm

Chapter 17: The dream that the Soleil of this life sees is – 3

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Silver hairs were scattered on the white sheets. Like they were dyeing it. Certainly, while they didn’t bear the slightest resemblance with that child’s hairs, it still cannot be helped that they were somewhat similar. For me who lived in a world far away from reality, certainly, it looked like the color I was always yearning for. The eyes that looked up toward me were purple. While this color was rare in this country, in hers it’s said to be common. It made me remember of the skin I could never touch, it reminded me of that child’s… of Silvia’s appearance.

The fact that Silvia who was rumored to be a fairy or an angel died became well-know in the high society the following week. Moreover, she didn’t die of her illness but was murdered by robbers. The person who plotted it was her blood related older sister, the next marquis’s wife. A tremendous commotion shook the noble society. Because I was often away from home due to my work as a knight, I left the social interactions to Ilya, so they were many nobles acquainted with her. Therefore, they needed to prove their innocence. In the case it was judged they had lend a hand to Ilya, there was the possibility they would be imprisoned. Even if it wasn’t the truth, it was easy to fabricate a crime. The high society was always maintaining a perfect balance of the power relationships. On this occasion, some moved to try to crush the power of their opponents. Hence, in this situation the point of focus became our high ranked noble house. Originally, I just didn’t want to forgive Ilya. I requested my parents’ assistance, in order to condemn Ilya I laid all the groundwork possible and made every effort so that she couldn’t run away from her crime. However, whether if it was because she came from a third-ranked earl family, or because she had the status of being a marquis’s bride despite our divorce, cornering her required quite a considerable effort. Thanks to the cooperation of several people who used their influence to back me up, somehow, I was able to throw Ilya in the jails meant for the commoners.

When I finished doing everything, the season has gone around. Since I didn’t hear that the sentence had been pronounced, she was probably still imprisoned. But, I was no longer interested in the future. She won’t be able to avoid capital punishment due to the nature of her crime, but the execution of the sentence won’t be carried out in public. The central figures of the country won’t allow the incident to be brought up again while it has already quieted down. I understood this already, and anyway, these days, I couldn’t gather the energy to do anything and felt very tired. Due to this tiresome feeling of loss that I couldn’t even put into words, I couldn’t get myself to go to work, and lingered in my failure. For a superior officer, an extended leave was only a term hiding the fact he was in reality sentenced to house arrest.

In such a situation, there was a certain gossip that reached my ears. A silver hairs, purple eyes girl was working as a prostitute.

She had a small stature and slender limbs; her upturned gaze was pure and innocent, it was said her ephemeral figure was almost like a fairy.

The more I listened to the rumors, the more it sounded like Silvia. When I actually went to visit her, their features were as different as heaven and earth but still, it was enough to make me dream of that child. Above all, that innocent gaze that looked up toward me, reminded me of that child. Just seeing that figure was enough for me.

“Soleil-sama, I, I cannot live without you…”

"... Could you become it? A reason to live."

Now, I felt that even if I heard it in a dream, I already couldn’t remember the tone of her voice. The palm of my hand lightly sank in the thin and hard mattress of the cheap bed. When I absentmindedly stared at the girl's appearance in a dreamy state of mind, a black shadow fell onto us. When she turned away her eyes from me, those big eyes opened wider and she raised a little scream. I followed her line of sight to turn around and saw the tip of a sword above my shoulder. The owner of that sword lurched foward. When I rolled on the bed while protecting the girl and fell down, an impact shot through my shoulder. My back banged on the floor before being assailed by pain. Then I noticed that leather shoes were stepping on my shoulder.

“… Nice situation there, Soleil-dono. Going to the brothel during daytime?”

Behind the man who was looking down on me, a faint light glowed. Because of it, I couldn’t see his expression clearly, but I remembered that flickering blond hairs. Why? My muttering voice echoed in the room that had fallen silent.

“Did you think I died? Unfortunately, fellow knights have a strong sense of camaraderie. My friends saved me”

I felt a sense of discomfort in front of that figure who was laughing fearlessly. Was he a man who would laugh like this? Was he a man who would talk with that kind of tone? Was he a man who would glare at someone like this? His eyes which were of a much deeper color than mine, should have been warm and gentle like the clear surface of a lake. I have always felt they were completely different from my eyes which were said to be cold and indifferent even when I was happy. Those eyes of mine always kept at the edge of their vision his figure which was lurking around her, ready to protect her at anytime.

“Say, do you know how many efforts that person made for your sake? Ah, that’s right. Of course, you know. Because your entourage must have told you. That to become your spouse, she persevered with all her might. … But, it’s not like you saw to what extend she exerted herself.”

In his sharp glare, the warmth that existed formerly was nowhere to be seen. The pupils that used to be filled with a deep affection were tinged with a murky shadow and at any time now it seemed they would be swallowed by darkness. The man to whom those eyes belong to, continued to narrate in an indifferent voice devoid of any intonation.

“In order to study foreign languages, or to learn territory management, or to acquire the etiquette expected from a lady, she didn’t spare any time to sleep. Any number of times I’ve seen her figure as she threw up in the middle of the night. That figure that was even afraid to call out to people, was much ghastlier than her said sickly little sister. Her throat was burnt due to vomiting over and over again, and before she became aware of it, she had lost her clear voice.”

Have you seen the dictionary she had? The space between the lines was blacken by her writing. After having read it over and over again, the edge of the pages of that book on management were worn-out. Did you know about the pen-mark on her fingers? About the shadow under her eyes that wouldn’t quite vanish? About her reserve of stomach medicine?

Have you ever seen even one of those things? He asked and his foot on my shoulder increased its weight. When my upper body was bent diagonally because I couldn't support my body, the girl hidden behind me screamed. Then while shouting something, she run out of the room. She must have gone call for help. The man who glanced at her figure, even if his expression was hidden by the shadow, I could clearly understand he had a deep smile.

“That person was… in the morning, when she woke up, the first thing she would do was to inquire about her fiancé. When she went to sleep at night, even if her fiancé wasn’t beside her she would tell him good night. She never said once that she was lonely. She didn’t want to be a bother. Even so, her fiancé who would only come visit her on the planned day, she loved him.”

From the beginning, even while she knew it was a political marriage. She believed in a love that would never be returned.

“She was supposed to become the lady of the marquis house. She was supposed to become an existence held in esteem and cherished by everyone. For this, that person had, done everything she could and yet…”

My body which was being pinned down became suddenly free, when I managed to half-rise, drops of water gently fell down as if they were dancing.

“… in that place, in that incredibly brutal way of dying, she wasn’t a person who deserve to leave like that…!”

Hearing those words that he squeezed out in a hoarse voice, for some reason, a smile floated to my face. I see, did she die? I’m sure I heard a voice muttered in a satisfied tone. That was a voice that came from nowhere else but my own body.

“Only you, could have saved that person and yet.”

… Why, why, why? Why, was I, were you, laughing?

With trembling lips, the man overlooking me who was laughing said, “That it was false charges, in truth, you should have known it.” I stared as countless drops of water slid down the corner of his lips. I merely stared as he raised his sword over my head.

Someone shouted “Stop it!” Appearing suddenly, I saw the shadows of several persons behind the man. “Alfred…! Do you intend to defile the pride of a knight with blood for someone like this…!”

“The pride of a knight you said, that thing, I threw it away long ago…!! When I lost that person…!!”

It sounded like a scream. Even though he spoke each word clearly, I understood he was screaming to the point of tearing his throat.

“Do you know what kind of death you gave to that person, do you know how she died…!!”

I could only watch without being able to move at all. A sensation of heat filled my shoulder. It was pierced by the blade. It didn’t feel painful, but my respiration stopped. I couldn’t breathe. When something was thrown toward me I reflexively stretched out my hand but it felt down. In my wavering field of vision that had turned upside down because of my slanted body, I watched it felt down without a sound on that dirty floor which hadn’t been washed for who knows how long

That thing that didn’t have any weight, was of a gray color that had been tainted by a dark red. It was long hairs that had been cut off.

"It looks like an old woman's hairs, right?"

That whispering voice resounded in my ears. … … I couldn’t say it even once. That it was beautiful, I couldn’t say it not even once.

It was of a darker color than Silvia’s. A color that couldn’t be described as silver. But, I liked the mysterious color of her eyes that shined much more thanks to that. Those strong eyes that persisted with their will, with their conviction that was enough to overwhelm others, they have always supported me. As long as those eyes were watching me, I believed I would never loose my way.

… killed. I, killed. I killed Ilya.

Please stop it. It’s enough. Please stop.

Someone.

Please tell me it’s a lie.

Someone, please.

*

“ … … hnn !!!”

I swallow a breath and jumped to my feet, surprised by my own ragged breathing. My breaths were cut short, as if I had been running with all my might. I listened to them with muddled thoughts.

“…Soleil-sama?”

In the room I thought I was alone, a bewildered voice resounded. As it was at a distance close enough to feel a long breath, it made my shoulders greatly jump in shock. When I felt nauseous as my breath refused to regulated itself as usual and covered my lips, the voice called out,

“… Soleil-sama!”

Someone presented me a wash basin which seemed to have been prepared to wash the face. Inhaling small breaths, I managed to endure the throwing feeling and forced down the burning lump back to my stomach. I felt a stinging pain at the back of my throat. When I coughed a little while listening to the pounding sound of my heart, the chamberlain peeped at me with a worried expression.

“The hell hap…, no, I mean, I, what happened to me… ”

Since long ago I’ve been taught how to be careful with my phrasing. It was natural for the heir of the marquis to be polite and thoughtful, and since my entourage urged me to do so, I abided. Normally I would never be so upset, I was perplexed at my own discomposure.

“I was having an awful nightmare…”

The servant gave a curt and humble sound of acknowledgment. He gave me a wet towel and urged me to calm down my mind. Extending my hand to receive it, I noticed my fingers were trembling.

“Did you see a bad dream master?”

“… a bad dream…”

I smiled bitterly and raised a strained laugh, reproaching myself for losing my composure over a nightmare like a little child. Then, at the moment I stop smiling, my whole body lost its warmth.

“Soleil-sama?”

A nightmare? Did I see a nightmare? … What did I, see? What?

“… I don’t remember…”

Even though what I saw was bad enough to wake me up in a panicked state, I couldn’t remember a single thing. It wasn’t that I forgot, but it rather felt that I hadn’t saw a nightmare to begin with. Not even a fragment of remembrance was remaining.

“If you do not remember, then it must not have been important. It was probably a trivial thing.”

Watching the chamberlain smile again, rather than relief I felt anxiety gradually rising from my chest. It felt like I lost something, something very precious and important. And as I don’t even remember what is it that I lost, irrepressible uneasiness and irritation assailed me.

When I opened my hands, I just saw my usual palms. However, the feeling I failed to grab on something, that huge feeling of loss, blocked my breathing.

“… Ilya is…”

“Yes?”

“I wonder what Ilya is doing now?”

… … For some reason, I started to feel the irresistible urge to see her.

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