Published at 26th of March 2019 12:07 am

Volume 5, Part 8

A blood-stained knife is lying near my feet.

I look at Iroha-san.

I know that Iroha-san is a wonderful person. She might be a bit clumsy when it comes to people's feelings, but at the same time, she's extremely considerate of others. Because she's aware of her own strength, she uses it to help other people - which explains her current actions as well. If I had the time for a proper discussion, Iroha-san would surely realize the error of her ways.

But there is no time.

I've realized that it's impossible to save Maria and Iroha-san in the limited time that remains.

So—

So———

"........."

Despite that, I'll still make a last ditch effort.

"......You are wrong, Iroha-san."

"Yeah?" she replies in a blatantly uninterested tone while picking her ears.

"You and Daiya are both wrong."

"Just for the record: about what?"

"Attempting to fix the world by killing people is wrong!"

"Just to be clear: I'm not interested in an opinion that pays lip service to some superficial sense of ethics, okay? Killing a murderer before he can kill a hundred people is definitely the right choice, no? In addition, his punishment can be used as a deterrent to scare all the other wannabe criminals and keep them from committing any new crimes. Until we obtained this 'box', we merely lacked the means to do so. Come on, enlighten me: how is any of this a bad thing?"

"...Indeed, I don't consider it a bad thing to isolate those criminal fools who only drag down others. There are people who don't deserve to live. I don't want to believe it, but I think that's a fact."

"Right? You're only denying it because you're bound by popular opinion. It caused you to superficially consider what we're doing a bad thing without any real thought."

"No. Because... how can you choose?"

"...Choose what?"

How can she still not understand?

Irritation and anger well up inside me.

I scowl at the foolish Iroha-san.

"Who deserves to die."

Iroha-san holds her breath, apparently having noticed my feelings.

"How do you and Daiya, who are neither divine nor perfect, determine who deserves to die? Are your choices infallible?"

"W-We—"

"Of course not. You decide to kill people with imperfect information."

"...Sure, I can't say that I have a 0% error rate. But how is that different from our current legal system? Not all death sentences handed down by judges are justified, either. ...Besides, the choices I make are difficult to screw up. For example, everyone should agree with me that, at the very least, this child molester deserves to die."

"Are you sure? It's true that he's hurt many people, but perhaps he has the potential to save even more people. Then he wouldn't deserve to die by your own logic."

"Hah? There's no way that this mutt has such potential!"

"I guess you're probably right, but how can you be absolutely certain?"

"...I can be. With a single glance, I know how dumb he is. He can't possibly save more people than he's hurt."

"But that's presumptuous of you! Even though you're no more special than anyone else, you've started to feel special because you obtained the 'Shadow of Sin and Punishment'. Even though you simply obtained a 'box', you have gotten intoxicated by that feeling of power, and believe that you will always render a just verdict. Do you know what your current state is?"

I continue.

"It's called 'being full of yourself.'"

"......"

"It's so easy to predict what will happen! In the beginning, you will select sinners for elimination who everyone, more or less, can agree on. But that's only in the beginning. You're so full of yourself that you'll inevitably get carried away in no time. Bit by bit, you'll start to select people who fall in a gray area. You'll degenerate further and further, and in the end, you will turn people who merely stick in your craw into 'Dog Humans.' Good and evil will no longer matter, and you will simply erase people whenever they bother you. Maybe it's too late already? After all, you're about to crush me and Maria just because we're in your way."

My irritation has grown as I speak.

Why do Iroha-san and Daiya not understand such a simple point, even though they're supposed to be so smart? Are they somehow unable to imagine the outcome that I've depicted?

"What you are doing is neither judgment nor a righteous purge. It's murder. Both you and Daiya have become obsessed with the feeling of power that the 'box' gives you, and been driven to committing sins. What you two are about to engage in is no different from the slaughters that pervade human history! You're not creating a revolution - you're just making another horrible mistake without justification!"

I walk toward the silent Iroha-san.

"Therefore, I will stop you."

I also make sure to stand right beside the knife.

"......"

Iroha-san seems to be slightly confused by my words.

What I'm saying is definitely true, and she should also realize that.

Yet, she responds anyway:

"......What's with that face?"

"...Face?"

"Yeah, your face! Even though you're trying to corner me with your words and fighting against me," she continues bitterly, "why are you smiling so gently?"

In response, I automatically reach up to my face.

"Normally, you wouldn't be able to smile like that. First off, a normal person wouldn't be able to say what you just said."

"...I haven't said anything strange or outrageous!"

"Well, you haven't. But a normal person wouldn't be able to make such objective statements in a situation like this. If the girl you love has been taken captive and you’ve lost your composure, you wouldn't normally be able to string together such a complex logical argument."

"Are you saying that I'm supposed to be more emotional?"

"I'm not talking about being emotional or reasonable. Your actions are on a whole different level. You can't do that normally. You just...can't..."

A mixture of confusion and fright appear on her face.

"From where—"

With that expression, she asks:

"From where do you behold the world?"

I have no idea what she means.

But Daiya once said something similarly cryptic to me. He told me that I was floating, or something like that. Her question probably means something similar.

Aah... I guess I'm not quite normal. I keep denying it, but I guess it's time to give in.

It sounds even more confusing when I try to put it into words, but if I were to describe myself honestly:

There's too little “self” inside me.

"...Enough, Kazuki-kun. It doesn't matter now. I won't stop."

"Didn't you agree with me?"

"You might have a point. I guess we are a little full of ourselves, and we aren't perfect and will make some mistakes. But that's no reason to stop acting. We mustn't give up because of that. We mustn't lose to reality and accept the evils of humanity as inevitable. We mustn't stay defenseless. I won't do that. But thanks for your criticism, I will take it into account and give it some thought before I kill someone!"

"Giving it some thought won't render your selection righteous!"

"Say whatever you want, but I don't consider this method of action intrinsically wrong."

After saying so—she continued speaking with eyes dulled with madness.

"Thus, I won't stop. And I won't change my mind about Otonashi-san."

Huh. So that's it, after all.

A faint sigh escapes my lips.

"What's that sigh supposed to mean? Did you finally give up? Did I break your spirit?"

"Yeah, I give up!"

On finding a way to avoid killing you.

Alright then. I mustn't let her notice my intentions. If I don't do it in an instant, I'll get taken down by the [servants] who surround us. I have to stab her without hesitation. I mustn't let her sense my murderous impulse.

Kill.

I have to stab her in the heart and murder her instantly, but do so as casually as if I were humming a familiar tune.

"...People who deserve to die, huh?"

Iroha-san thinks that such humans exist.

At the end of the day, we're also human - so that's not something we can decide for ourselves. Even I can think of some people who I believe should be killed, but that's wrong. It must be wrong.

If that's not the case, then what I'm about to do right now will be forgivable. I don't want that. I won't forgive myself for this act.

I'm merely making the same mistake as they are.

People who I think deserve to die.

From my perspective—

—everyone who hurts Maria deserves to die.

Thus, I thrust the knife into Iroha-san's heart.

I didn't make any superfluous movements.

I waited for her gaze to drift off slightly, scooped up the knife and stabbed her as I stood up. The blade disappeared into her body.

Die.

There was no such thought in my mind.

I didn't possess even a mite of murderous will. I merely did what had to be done. That's all.

Ah, could it be that...

Could it be that part of my personality would seem abnormal to others?

If so, I must absolutely keep Maria from seeing it. Right, if she did, we would—

"What... are you doing, Kazuki?"

My heart skips a beat.

"Ah, aaah...!"

Why?

Why is she...?

That way of calling me. That intonation. The ring of her voice.

The voice that I love so much belongs to—

"......Why... are you... doing that, Kazuki?"

A girl with a paper bag over her head approaches me.

"Er, ah...!"

...Why didn't I notice? Why didn't I notice her even though I should be able to discern her presence, even without seeing her face? Simple. It's dark, and I didn't get around to examining each member of the paper-bag brigade. Why didn't I think more about Iroha-san's choice to summon me to such a dark location?

Why didn't I notice what Iroha-san wanted to hide most?

The slender girl takes the bag off her face.

"Maria."

It's Maria.

Without a doubt, it's Maria.

"Kazuki...," she calls my name with a trembling voice.

"Why are you...?"

"Because I told her to."

Iroha-san answers my whispered question, providing an answer that I was already vaguely aware of. Even though the knife in my hand is still piercing her chest...

...Yeah, of course I realized it. I realized at the moment that I stabbed her, that there was virtually no feeling of cutting into something.

Iroha-san pulls out the knife that's supposed to be jammed into her heart, and pushes its tip against the palm of my hand. I feel no prick at all. The blade just slides back into the hilt.

There's no way I could kill someone with that knife—no, that novelty item.

"Do you want an objective opinion of your behavior over the past few minutes, Kazuki-kun?"

While I'm still taken aback, Iroha-san spits out:

"It's called 'being full of yourself.'"

She snatches the fake knife out of my powerless hands.

"Here's an [order], dog. Bark lively."

The naked man who has supposedly fainted in agony sits up at once. He gets on all fours and runs around us, barking in a lively fashion without caring at all that he's been painted blood red.

"Didn't I tell you that there's no need to put an [order] into words?"

Iroha-san stabs the "Dog Human" who's running about. Even though it can't possibly hurt, he screams painfully, "GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHN," and collapses again.

"We poured artificial blood on him while you weren't watching. And then I [ordered] this 'Dog Human' to scream and act injured when I stabbed him. You swallowed it like an idiot."

Aah, come to think of it, I never saw her actually stab him because the paper-bag crowd was in my way. I only heard him scream and saw him writhing with agony, covered in crimson. Since it's so dark, fake blood is hard to distinguish from real blood, and it's easy for her to conceal a blood pack.

"...Why, just why did you..."

"Because well, I was [ordered] to by Oomine-kun. He gave me a single [order]: 'expose Kazuki Hoshino's betrayal to Maria Otonashi.'"

Iroha-san shifts her gaze to Maria.

"It was harder than I thought! I mean, she trusted you so blindly. It was obvious that she wouldn't readily believe that you betrayed her."

Maria bites her lip.

"But bringing Otonashi-san here was really easy. I used the same method on both of you, Kazuki-kun: I threatened her. Saying 'if you don't obey me or try to trick me, my [servants] will kill Kazuki-kun' was more than enough to get Otonashi-san to follow me, even though it sounded plenty fishy. Naturally, a demand as harmless as 'watch us silently' was easy enough for her to tolerate. And so I showed her," Iroha-san says while jabbing the fake knife into her chest, "how you tried to kill me."

Everything—

Everything she did and said was purely intended to show Maria that I was willing to kill? Placing the knife within my reach, infuriating me by saying that she would have Maria raped, and inspiring me to come up with murderous plans by performing a fake murder before my eyes...

And in the end, I stabbed her with the fake knife just as she had intended.

Iroha-san snaps her fingers. In reaction, the paper-bag crowd strolls away in a leisurely, disorganized fashion - as if to tell me that they were done here.

"I was told to watch because you would supposedly try to kill Shindou," Maria says while completely avoiding my eyes. "I didn't believe her. Even when she told me that Oomine has already started to use his 'box' and I realized she was telling the truth, I could not believe that you would kill anyone. Solving a conflict by killing someone—that's unacceptable. Once you resort to murder, your degradation is complete and your beliefs lose all meaning. You should know my feelings on the subject. You should also know that I can't collaborate with someone like that. And yet, you......"

At a loss for words, she just shakes her head.

"...No, let's not make this about me. But I still don't get it, Kazuki. To begin with, you're not a killer. Even if it's only attempted murder, the fact that you tried to kill someone would create constant pangs of remorse. Burdened with such a heavy sin, you couldn't possibly return to your 'everyday life,' and on top of that, that 'everyday life' would be distorted because you would be a changed man. Ah, but the problems extend beyond the psychological, since the law would deprive you of your 'everyday life' if you committed murder, wouldn't it? Therefore, you... a person who values his 'everyday life' above everything else would never choose to kill."

She clenches her fist.

"There's no way you could commit murder......there's just no way! There's no way Kazuki would do that!"

Maria gives me a pleading look.

"...Yes, that's right! You can't! You would never do that! You must have been controlled. Most likely, you were controlled by that 'Shadow of Sin and Punishment' and coerced into acting that way. Right? Kazuki, tell me! Am I right?" she says while shaking my shoulders.

"Please deny that you were responsible for doing it."

Maria is begging with every part of her being. Even though she has seen my malicious deed with her very own eyes, she still wants me to deny it. Even though she knows all too well that I'm at fault, she still asks for the impossible.

I can't believe that Maria is acting like this. I can't believe it, but...

I'll take advantage of her feelings, then.

I'll continue to deceive her.

"You're right!"

I'm awful. My own words make me want to puke.

But if I admit the truth, Maria will break up with me and never return.

Therefore, I have to resort to desperate lies, no matter how dirty they are.

"So after all," she whispers. "After all, that's how it is."

She looks relieved.

Maria has believed in my blatant lie. She has let herself be deceived.

Yeah... right. Maria doesn't want to break up with me, either. She still wants to trust me. Our bonds can't be severed that easily.

So I shall lie to the very end.

"Maria, listen—"

"Fufu, I'm relieved! With that—"

With a truly relieved expression, Maria continues:

"I no longer have to... believe in anyone."

".........Huh?"

Her expression.

And her words.

Don't match.

"I vaguely... no, truth be told, I had noticed long ago! So after all—"

After all—

After repeating what she started saying a few moments ago, she continues like this:

"So after all—you were betraying me."

"Ah......"

All my energy drains away and my arms fall limply to my sides.

I look hesitantly at Maria.

"Oh, I can tell. Hey, I used to be able to read your mind just by analyzing the movements of your facial muscles! I can't do that anymore, but haven't I spent an entire lifetime together with you? I can still see through something as simple as a lie. But I desperately tried to persuade myself by thinking "there's no absolute proof." I avoided the problem until there was decisive evidence for your betrayal. But now I found it. Your pitifully inept lie made me realize that you have changed to a hopeless extent."

I was just thinking that our bonds can't be severed that easily.

...How stupid can I get?

I have been betraying her repeatedly. I have been deceiving her all along ever since the 'Game of Idleness'. I have been destroying our originally nearly unbreakable bonds bit by bit.

And now, thanks to my constant betrayals, these bonds have finally snapped.

"Aah, I'm so relieved! I knew that I couldn't carry on like that. I was blaming myself for engaging in self-deception, and suffering as a result. I am a 'box', so I mustn't have a human heart. I mustn't settle down with someone and become attached to him. That notwithstanding, I couldn't bear to part from you, Kazuki, and searched for reasons to stay with you, such as meeting 'O'. I even felt scared! I feared that I might lose my goal and disappear entirely!"

That was my goal - I wanted "Aya" to disappear so that "Maria" could live.

But...

"But... you betrayed me and taught me that I was wrong. You made me realize how weak I am. You made me make that decision."

Every single word she speaks pierces my heart.

Maria was the one I wanted to hurt least. She was the one I wanted to protect most.

And yet, she was the one I hurt most, the person that I wrecked.

"...Maria, listen. It was all for—"

I can't just let her leave.

However,

"Don't!"

Maria turns away from me.

"Eh?"

"Don't call me Maria."

I'm not even allowed that.

"I abandoned that name long ago. It only lingered because you decided to keep using it, even though I coined it on a whim. But our relationship is over now, so there's no need to use that name anymore. My life as Maria has come to an end."

With these words, Maria turned back toward me and gazed directly into my eyes—

She said it.

"I am the 'box' called Aya Otonashi."

At that moment.

A certain image pops into my mind and marks the start of a flashback.

It's a pale, stale, dull, warped image.

It's the ever-repeating classroom.

A Maria in sepia is standing on the teacher's platform. She introduces herself. I can't make out her expression. There are hundreds and thousands of patterns, so I can't determine which is the one true pattern. "I am Aya Otonashi. Pleased to meet you," "I'm Aya Otonashi...Regards," "Aya Otonashi," "Aya Otonashi," she used to say within the repeating world. And as time went by, her emotions disappeared from her face. She used that virtually infinite time to create a separate personality. She repelled everyone in order to become a perfect 'box'.

The girl who stands there.

The expression of the girl who stands there.

"......Ah......"

I finally notice. I never noticed it before because I was always with her.

Maria has recently started to express her feelings like a normal person. She has started to grieve, get angry, and laugh like a normal person.

I didn't notice. Even though I might have found another path if I'd noticed earlier, I failed to notice.

Maria has lost her normal feelings once again.

A whispered “No…” escapes my lips. "I will forever call you Maria!"

"......"

Ignoring my words, she holds out her hand to Iroha-san. Iroha-san instantly understands Maria's intentions, and hands her the fake knife.

"Kazuki. You have changed. The instant you stabbed Shindou's chest with that toy, you changed once and for all. You're not my partner anymore, but a being that exists to corrupt me. Therefore—"

Maria makes me hold the knife for some reason.

"—You are now my enemy."

I don't know why, but Maria embraces me gently with a soft smile.

"...Maria?"

Maybe she doesn't want to leave me after all? Even though that's absurd, I can't help but grasp at such feeble thoughts.

But as expected, the truth is entirely different.

I see it.

I see the knife that I am holding plunge into her chest.

"Ah..."

Of course it's just a toy. It's not really hurting Maria. But it just happened to be a toy today.

"That's how it is," she whispers. "When I'm near you, you pierce my heart like this."

She speaks in a terribly gentle tone, which only gives her words an even greater impact.

She's right.

That's exactly what I was trying to do. That's what happens when we meet each other as enemies: I stab Maria in the heart.

"Kazuki."

Maria's body is as slender and fragile as always.

She continues while the knife in my hands is still held to her chest:

"Thank you for everything."

This delicate young girl will continue to fight alone. She will continue to fight even when she is betrayed and stabbed. She will continue to fight for complete strangers, abandoning her own happiness.

I can see how that will end.

In defeat.

In the not too distant future... no, in the near future, Maria will collapse under that burden. Honing her soul like a blade, she will disappear once she's been filed away to nothing.

Even though I can envision her fate, I can't stop her.

Maria breaks the embrace.

At last, she is released from the knife.

She snatches it out of my hand and returns it to Iroha-san, who's been watching us with a profound lack of interest.

Not even deigning to look at me, Maria turns away and walks off.

"Kazuki," she whispers, "I couldn't finish off the hamburgers on my own."

Fool that I am, I didn't notice right away, but—

Those were Maria's parting words.

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