Published at 26th of March 2019 12:07 am

Volume 5, Part 9

◆◆◆ Daiya Oomine - 09/11 FRI 20:57 ◆◆◆

"Because you resemble me," explains Maria Otonashi onscreen.

In response, I mutter, "What the...?"

Yanagi and I have been teleported for the n-th time and are watching the third movie. Yanagi sits behind me on my right, and next to me is Maria Otonashi's shell. Otonashi seems to be the lead character in the current movie, "Repeat, Reset, Reset."

I'm confused. Why Otonashi? We don't share any special memories. I haven't gotten close to her the way I am with Rino and Haruaki. If this is really a screening of my sins, did I do something to Otonashi without realizing it? Doesn't Otonashi as the main character lack impact if the goal is to make me suffer?

That's what I thought at first.

But my predictions were totally wrong.

What I'm seeing is totally unexpected.

It's a scene from the 'Rejecting Classroom' that I have no memories of. Otonashi and I are trying to find a way to escape.

"I cooperated with Otonashi...? Even before Kazu did?"

It's an utterly strange sight. On top of that, my interactions with Otonashi aren't hostile (as they are now) or perfunctory (as they usually were).

Instead, I'm expressing familiarity.

"What's with that stupid look on my face?"

...No, I guess it's no wonder.

I look at Otonashi's face onscreen.

She has draped herself in transcendentality. But that's not because she has actually attained transcendence; it's merely because she has retained all her accumulated memories of that world's iterations, which inevitably makes her appear that way to the rest of us.

Other people might not be able to tell the difference, but I can.

I can tell that that personality is self-constructed.

What remains is a girl who, just like me, stifles herself in order to try to achieve something. I must have felt a sense of familiarity as a result.

"You've gotta help me!"

Because of that, I suppose, I said those foolish words to her on the 1536th iteration of March 2nd.

...Whoa, hang on! Are you trying to kill me with embarrassment? Has the 'Wish-Crushing Cinema' changed its approach and is now going for humiliation?

How can I even remember what happened in the 'Rejecting Classroom'?... I momentarily wonder, but correct myself right away: I haven't retained my memories. Unlike Kazu, I can't pull off such a feat. However, much like what happened in the 'Game of Idleness', where my NPC was able to see through my plans, I was able to grasp what had happened in the previous iterations quite precisely with the assistance of Otonashi's explanation.

In that sense, I may have met her minimal requirements for becoming a partner.

"I'm at a loss. What can I do for Kiri? Nothing! If I touch her, she grows pale. If I embrace her, she recalls her past and cries. Whatever I do, I can only hurt her. But she needs me. She can't make it alone. If I leave her alone, she's bound to make a grave mistake. If approaching her and leaving her alone are both wrong, tell me, what am I supposed to do?"

What the hell am I blurting out... Telling Otonashi these things won't amount to anything. She's just as powerless as I am.

However, my self from a different time continues speaking.

"I think that you might be able to help me out here," I say desperately onscreen. "You might be able to find a solution for Kiri somewhere in these endless repetitions."

Such a solution doesn't exist!

My onscreen self is so foolish that I'd roar my lungs out if my voice could reach him. I was unbelievably wimpy back then.

But Otonashi's answer was just as unbelievably irresponsible. Our problem has remained unsolved up to this day, so I know she never found a solution.

And still she said:

"Got it. I'll find it for you."

The next scene is set on the 1539th iteration of March 2nd—three "school transfers" later. She says to me:

"I've found the solution."

What is she talking about? There is no solution. ...There must be no solution.

"Rather, I've found the best thing you can do for Kirino, that is."

"The best thing... what would that be?"

As embarrassing as it is, my onscreen self couldn't hide his excitement.

I must have foolishly gotten my hopes up. I must have hoped that there was a solution that I couldn't think of on my own.

But Otonashi just said:

"Leave her alone."

It goes without saying that I was disappointed by that answer. I even got angry.

"Don't fuck with me! Who will save her then? Or do you want to say that Kiri's already okay!"

"...No, Kirino's wounds are deep. I'm afraid they will not heal."

"Why are you telling me to leave her alone then?!"

"Because she can't be saved by anyone."

"What did you say?!"

"That's how deep Kirino's wounds are. You wouldn't regrow a lost arm right? Wounds that deep aren't things that can be healed."

"Stop being such a smart-aleck! Have you given up on everything because you have spent so much useless time in this 'Rejecting Classroom'? If you lost an arm, you could still have it replaced with a prosthesis through an operation, right?"

"Maybe someone out there is capable of doing that for her. While it wouldn't completely fix her wounds, it would still be a great balm. But Oomine, you aren't capable of doing it."

"Why?! Who would be able to do it if not me!"

"You should have realized that," Otonashi twisted her face bitterly, "you are keeping her wounds from healing."

I remained silent onscreen.

"Because of you, Kirino wishes to return to her former self. She can't accept the artificial arm even though it might save her—because if she accepted a prosthesis, she wouldn't be her former self anymore. Merely by staying by her side, you are preventing her from moving on."

Yeah, I know. Even that wimpy version of me should know that if he were honest with himself.

"Haven't you realized that already? Yet, you... no, because of that, I suppose. Because you have realized it, you seek a way to help her. It's also true that leaving her alone is not a perfect solution—if you, the person who understands her best, were to desert her, new problems would likely arise. That being said, I have come to the conclusion that disengaging from her is the best choice. Thus, you can't do anything for Kirino other than breaking things off with her."

"If I do that, she will suffer, and may make a mistake that leads to more suffering. She might get trapped in a vicious cycle. You're still telling me to break things off with her?"

"Yes."

"Are you messing with me?"

"I'm not. If you leave, she might be pursued by sorrow, but if you stay, she will be pursued by sorrow. And that's not all. Should you not leave, then not only she will remain drenched in sorrow, your own wounds will even more rapidly become fatal."

"It doesn't matter what happens to me!"

"Fool! Of course it does!" She caught me by surprise with an emotional outburst - so out of character compared to her normal frigidity. "Do you—want to become like me?"

"Fool! Of course it does!" She caught me by surprise with an emotional outburst - so out of character compared to her normal frigidity. "Do you—want to become like me?"

That was her bitter silent scream.

By now, I know its meaning.

Right now, I am heading toward my own ruin with certainty. And I'm sure that the same applies to Otonashi. Come to think of it, it makes perfect sense: to date, her every action contains nothing but self-sacrifice. She lives for something other than herself.

She thinks that it's enough that a single person has chosen such an existence, and she's already that person.

However, there's no way I would accept something like that from a mysterious girl who just transferred in. We may have been partners on previous "March 2nds," but I did not have those memories.

Unlike Kazu, I gave her words no additional weight.

"If you have no intention of lending me a hand, I won't cooperate with you anymore."

"...Oomine."

Otonashi, however, had associated with me for more than 1,539 days worth of time. Judging from her personality, that was more than enough for her to develop some degree of attachment to me.

Thus, her desire to help me had grown strong.

"If you really insist on curing her wounds completely, there is only one solution, and I will accept it. I will achieve success for the sake of you and everyone else."

This is why she said to me:

"I will complete my 'box'."

But as we were naturally unable to accept that solution, we parted for good.

But even after what should technically have been our final separation, we continued to be partners.

The reason is simple: because Otonashi kept me in the dark about our decision to split up on the 1539th iteration of March 2nd. And of course, that was enough to counter our split, since my memory was reset each time. But while that may have held true on my end, Otonashi wasn't so cold-hearted as to pretend that the emotional pain she inflicted on me in that iteration never existed. She kept that incident in mind even though I'd never remember it.

There was no true mutual trust between us anymore.

And on the 1542nd iteration of March 2nd, we unexpectedly managed to reach Mogi.

But we hit our limit at that point. We couldn't make any additional progress. The 'Rejecting Classroom' was based on Mogi's 'wish' to spend a March 3rd without any regrets, and thus was designed to make anyone who discovered the 'owner' lose those memories. Upon the 1543rd iteration, even Otonashi had forgotten that Mogi was the culprit.

We reached Mogi a few more times after that, but not once did we get any further. Since Otonashi had completely renounced violence, she couldn't destroy Mogi's 'box', and my words didn't reach Mogi. Besides, I didn't possess the memories and frustration generated by that endless repetition, so I wasn't desperate enough to launch a no holds barred attack on Mogi. The problem wasn't grave enough from my perspective to justify hurting her, even though that was the only solution.

We had come to a dead end. And as it turned out later, Kazu was the only one able to deal with Mogi's 'box'.

Thus, my relationship with Otonashi ended.

"Farewell."

On the 1,635th March 2nd, after over a hundred iterations spent together as partners, Otonashi finally gave up on me.

I frowned, taken aback by her sudden words of farewell.

The first lesson had just ended, and Kazu sat next to me.

He was also puzzled, and asked: "Daiya, did you already know her?"

"No, not at all."

The reason for my surprise was of course not that she had suddenly ended our lengthy partnership, but because Otonashi was a mere stranger to me, given my memory reset within the 'Rejecting Classroom'. Words of farewell seemed completely out of place.

Surprisingly, Otonashi seemed hurt by my attitude. Even though she must have gotten used to being the cause of confusion for everyone after repeating the same day so many times, she couldn't just ignore it.

...Why?

I have no clue, but I can hypothesize: Otonashi was completely alone in that world, but by partnering up with me, she found someone to talk to about her experience of repeating the same day over and over. It was the first time since she had entered the 'Rejecting Classroom' that she had been released from solitude.

But she became alone again.

Forever alone in a world that might repeat forever.

If that's true... then it's as simple as this: she was lonely.

That means that she was still green after 1,635 "school transfers."

Without saying anything about the 'box', Otonashi continued:

"Once the 1,635th iteration ends, you will forget everything anyway. And most likely, you won't be able to make use of my advice. Thus, what I am about to say will only serve my self-satisfaction and nothing else. Still, let me just say:"

Ignoring my increasing confusion, she continued.

"Do not use a 'box'. Ever."

It's a warning that the current "me" can't remember hearing.

"You would try to grant an impossible 'wish' if you obtained a 'box'. You would pursue an ideal that you can't handle—just like me."

But what was she trying to achieve with those words?

It goes without saying that her warning in and of itself was pointless; I have forgotten it just as she predicted, and ended up using a 'box'. It's almost as if she had been talking to herself.

Oh, I see.

She was just talking to herself. Otonashi was merely putting her own story into words. Otonashi was just trying to take her mind off her woes by spitting out her frustration, which she had no one to share with, into the emptiness of that world.

At that point, Otonashi had weakened that much.

"I know what such a 'wish' leads to. It ends in,"

Thus, what she described was essentially her own ending.

"Ruin."

That was a sad confession.

A confession that was supposed to reach my heart.

"...Huh? What the fuck are you talking about?"

But I did not suddenly remember the time we had spent together and I did not respond to her with comforting words.

There was no miracle.

The two of us together couldn't perform a miracle.

Onscreen, I simply sneered at an unfamiliar girl who was spouting nonsense. In the end, I ignored her and left with Kazu.

Otonashi was left alone in the classroom.

She stood stock-still, surrounded by the curious whispers of our other classmates.

Clenching her teeth and fists, Otonashi continued to direct her speech toward the empty space where I had been.

"But what would I do if you learned about the 'boxes' and obtained one nevertheless? I would not take it from you. I'd oppose every other 'owner', but I might not oppose you."

Not oppose me?

What is she talking about? That's utter—

"———"

Hold on. As a matter of fact, Otonashi has not done anything to me since I returned to school armed with the 'Shadow of Sin and Punishment'.

Hey, don't tell me...?

I suddenly consider a certain possibility.

I used to think that she didn't attack me because she was either deceived by Kazu, or deliberately played along with him despite seeing through his lies. But either way, I used to think that Kazu was the cause of her inaction.

But if she's telling the truth onscreen, is she also unsure of how to deal with my 'box'?

"Maybe I'd team up with you again—No, that's out of the question. I wouldn't cooperate with you. Nor would I want to interfere in any way. Our aims just happen to lie in the same direction. We were never supposed to become partners. Yes, in reality, we are—"

The phrase she said next was not particularly unpleasant. Yet she contorted her face and spoke bitterly anyway:

"Kindred spirits, I guess."

I see, it stands to reason that Otonashi would make such a face.

After all, it means that Otonashi and I are both doomed.

"......I feel so sorry for Kazuki-san."

A voice draws my attention away from the screen and back to reality.

With a discontented frown, Yuuri Yanagi has started to whisper while watching the movie.

She feels sorry for Kazu? What kind of reaction is that? Like she spotted Otonashi cheating on him.

...I guess I can understand her. By no means has Otonashi been unfaithful to him or anything, but Yanagi probably considers Otonashi and Kazu's relationship as something sacred. Therefore, Otonashi's partnership with me within the 'Rejecting Classroom', and the time I spent as Otonashi's only confidante, must already seem like betrayal to Yanagi.

...I'm hardly one to talk, though.

I, too, thought that the story of the 'Rejecting Classroom' was just about the formation of the bonds between Otonashi and Kazu. I thought there was no other meaning to it.

But that's not it at all. Come to think of it, that's only natural. Otonashi didn't spend a lifetime's worth of time with just Kazu. Indeed, he was the only one who could retain his memories and stay by her side, but she was in constant contact with the entirety of our class.

Of course, I was one of those people. Since I was unable to retain my memories, I naturally was unable to call her "Maria" when she introduced herself as "Aya Otonashi," and I could not become her full-fledged partner. But while I might have forgotten her, Otonashi still spent a long time in my company.

In the repeating world, there was also a story about me and Otonashi.

Pondering her words, I whisper: "Doomed, huh..."

There was no need for her to point that out to me, the uber-realist.

If I use a 'box', I will ruin myself.

Because I know my capabilities, I also know my limits. I inevitably realize that I will eventually fold, however hard I struggle, whatever moves I make.

That awareness of my limits also imposes a limit upon my 'box', which prevents me from mastering it.

Jeez... why am I here at the point of no return when I knew all this? Why am I entangling all sorts of unrelated people and ruining their lives for the sake of my ideals? Worst of all, I have even committed murder. I have reached a point where I can no longer just say "I quit."

Why did I use a 'box'?

When did I become the person I am today?

—Do you have a wish?

Right. I remember.

It was too late for me the moment I came across 'O' and learned about the 'boxes'.

Once I learned about them, I had to use one. Even though I knew that my 'wish' would never come true, I had to use one. If there was any chance for my 'wish', which I had totally failed to attain, I had to reach out for it. I'd be willing to pay any price and grasp at any straw.

My actions were predetermined, and my ruin preordained.

If 'O' handed a 'box' to me with all that in mind— I clamped down on my thoughts.

...Enough already. Enough. Let's leave this subject.

The movie is still playing.

I decide to focus on it.

"Oomine. If you fail and put yourself in a hopeless situation, I will save you. I exist for the sake of doing that. If everything goes wrong—"

Alone in the classroom, the Otonashi onscreen continued.

"I will let you use my 'Flawed Bliss'."

"I have decided that I never said that."

Otonashi's voice resounds above me, but not in stereo and not from the speakers.

"After all, that conversation did not truly exist for you. And because it's meaningless if only I know about it, I decided that it never happened. Not only the conversations that I had with you, but many other things as well."

A shadow is being cast on the screen, projected by the person who is standing in the middle of the projector beam—as if to proclaim that she stands above the 'Wish-Crushing Cinema' and the movie that is playing.

"———"

I don't want to admit it, but I can't help but hold my breath. Even though she looks exactly the same as she always does, as I'm used to seeing her, I'm still awestruck.

Is such a reaction to seeing a mere human even possible? ...As a matter of fact, I have reacted like that just now. For a moment, I have forgotten how to breathe, and my eyes widened while my mouth fell slightly open for no apparent reason. The sight of her has jumbled the rhythm of my heart, caused me to break out in a cold sweat, and set my fingers atremble.

Just by standing there, she awes me. Just by facing me, she exerts so much pressure on me that her presence feels not only oppressive, but razor-sharp like a blade.

At that sight, a certain name escapes my lips as if yanked out of the depths of my guts.

"Aya Otonashi."

Only after whispering out loud, do I realize that I've used the correct name.

"To decide that it never happened, huh... Just why didn't I notice," she says, "that I should have made the same decision about my partnership with Kazuki?"

She has only called herself "Maria" up until now because someone who remembers that name has bound her to it.

But she cut him off.

She has become his enemy.

Released from that spell, no name is more appropriate for her than "Aya Otonashi." "Maria" doesn't suit her anymore.

She is no longer human, now that she has broken the absolute bonds she and Kazu once created for her goal. The moment she found herself able to do that, she stopped being human. I understand that better than anyone else, since I'm aiming for the same thing. Her perfect sense of idealism borders on monstrosity. She, who has completely suppressed her past self, is my very ideal personified - an entity that exists solely for the sake of a single goal.

—There no longer is a zeroth Maria anywhere on this planet.

No one, not even Kazu, can restore "Maria Otonashi" now. There is even less hope that she can stop than I can.

Her naked transcendence causes the scales to fall from my eyes. Even though that realization is nothing but proof that I cannot master my 'box', I can't keep myself from seeing through it any longer.

Seeing through—

'O'.

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