Published at 26th of March 2019 12:07 am

Volume 6, Part 9

◇◇◇ Kazuki Hoshino - 09/12 SAT 00:00 ◇◇◇

We are in front of the multiplex on the third floor of the shopping mall. We have been transported out of the 'Wish-Crushing Cinema' back to the place where we entered it.

I can hear the sound of a siren nearby; I had called for an ambulance in advance. It should arrive here shortly. The place where I told Kokone to stab herself isn't as fatal as I suggested to Daiya; at the very least, she wouldn't have died within ten minutes. Besides, Maria has the medical knowledge needed to administer proper first aid. Unless she has very bad luck, Kokone will survive. My plan will have succeeded comprehensively if she fully recovers. But even if things go smoothly—

—I'm sorry, Kokone, I'm really sorry.

Unable to look at her, I peer around instead.

Now devoid of people, the shopping mall leaves an uncanny impression. I remember coming here once, just the four of us. Although I was forced to cross-dress, I definitely think of it as a good memory. However, my memories of this place have now been permanently stained with blood and are set in stone.

My everyday life crumbles into little pieces.

I refocus my gaze. I can see five other people. Haruaki, clenching his fist; Kokone, lying on the ground; Maria, treating Kokone, and—

Daiya stares with widened eyes at the person who just put her hand on his shoulder.

"Yes, Daiya," I say to him. "You were wrong from the very beginning; you had already lost."

I look at the person who helped us and continue.

"The 'owner' of the 'Wish-Crushing Cinema' was Miyuki Karino."

Miyuki Karino.

Clad in the uniform of an all-girls' school, she is gazing sadly at Daiya.

This all started when I discovered that Karino-san had obtained a 'box'. Just as an 'owner' can sense others' 'boxes', I have also developed a sense for them due to constant exposure.

Her 'box' was thoroughly devoted to Daiya. Upon realizing that, I decided to take advantage of her and give up on the idea of becoming an 'owner' myself.

"If you had properly reflected upon yourself, you would have noticed Karino-san. You would have discovered that she was the real 'owner'. But you didn't."

Daiya gazes silently at me.

"You were shutting her out of your mind."

Karino-san silently takes a few steps back. Even though she prepared that 'box' for Daiya, there is nothing she can say to him.

"Her 'wish' was to have you all to herself. But 'boxes' also grant the negative feelings that are hidden beneath 'wishes': while she undoubtedly holds you dear, she also bears a grudge against you for not granting her any peace. Most of all, she realizes that she can'thave you all to herself."

That's why the 'Wish-Crushing Cinema' tormented Daiya with images of the past and tried to steal his dearest 'wish' from him...and lasted for a single day.

"It wasn't me, and it wasn't Kokone. Only Karino-san could form a 'box' in such a distorted manner. You would have realized that if you had reflected upon yourself—but look at what ended up happening."

Daiya convinced himself that Kokone was the 'owner' and stopped there.

Because only by blinding himself could he work toward his 'wish'.

"Since I knew who the real 'owner' was, I realized that everything you said about your resolve and your beliefs was false; it only seemed to make sense because you weren't aware of yourself anymore. You know, plunging into your own ruin, you always seemed..."

My voice suddenly starts to shake.

The feelings I have bottled up all this time while facing Daiya start to overflow.

I look at Kokone, all covered in blood.

What have I done?

I'm unable to return to my everyday life after hurting Kokone so much and deceiving Haruaki. These scars will never go away. My friendship with Haruaki will never return to what it used to be.

What have I become?

But I had no other choice, now that I have obtained the 'Empty Box'.

"You always seemed to me..."

I can't hold my tears back.

"As if you were crying for help."

In the end, I had no other choice but to corner a friend who was crying out for help.

"Enough," Daiya whispers, his face turned toward the ground. "I don't care."

With these words, Daiya slowly staggers toward Kokone.

"Kokone," he says, looking down at her while she breathes rapidly.

He touches one of the piercings in his right ear—the first one he ever chose.

He tears it out.

Blood drips down from his ear, but he doesn't seem to feel any pain. With a gentle expression on his face, he takes Kokone's hand.

"Kokone," he says again. "I love you."

His expression resembles the smile that I had only ever seen onscreen.

◇◇◇ Kazuki Hoshino - 09/24 THU 12:25 ◇◇◇

Another day is about to pass without me speaking to anyone else at school.

We're currently on lunch break. I stretch and look out the window. The weather today is nice, the sun is shining gently down into the classroom, but stormy weather is expected tomorrow.

I feel a sudden stabbing pain in my right hand. The wound there has already closed, but I still feel some twinges from time to time.

My right hand retains a deep, straight scar.

Whenever I look at it, I think:

—I have done something that will never disappear.

I look around the half-empty classroom and sigh.

Kokone is still in the hospital. While her condition isn't critical, the wound I inflicted on her is anything but shallow. Her stomach will scar over, adding to the many 'marks' she already bears on her back.

Mogi-san is also still hospitalized. Outwardly, she hasn't changed, but her attitude toward me has become more distant.

Yuuri-san is often absent from school, probably because she hasn't fully digested the events of the 'Cinema' yet. In fact, she is absent today. When we talk, she always tries to appear cheerful, but it's painfully obvious that she feels anything but.

Iroha-san is completely avoiding me. Yuuri-san told me that I shouldn't worry about it, but she might be lying to try to give me some peace of mind.

Haruaki hasn't spoken to me since that day.

I leave the classroom.

I suddenly lost all motivation to stick around for afternoon classes. Spending time in this half-empty classroom would just give me a headache.

On my way to the shoe lockers, I hear the term 'Dog Human' spoken by two chatty girls as they pass me by.

'Dog Humans'.

In the end, they didn't have any lasting impact. Once all the victims regained their memories, the riddle became less interesting, and the media soon stopped reporting on it. The variety show that had continuously focused on the issue also jumped to a new scandal: some extramarital affair involving a key member of an idol group and her producer.

Given the scale of the incident, people won't forget about the 'Dog Humans' as quickly, but it is starting to fade into obscurity; the topic isn't hot anymore.

The current state of affairs is unlikely to have caused people to seriously reconsidered their morals. There isn't much discussion of the phenomenon online, either. Currently, cyber-dwellers are getting worked up by some anime writer who insulted a fan. Word of the incident has spread rapidly and devolved into a sh*tstorm. Someone was even arrested for making a death threat. I can't deny that I'm just a bit annoyed that what Daiya has tried to achieve, is being equated with a trivial incident like that.

That being said, I don't think that Daiya's efforts were entirely futile: I'm sure there are still some people who reflect on the problems that he brought to the fore. In order to maintain the attention of the masses, however, he would've had to keep going. All topics have expiration dates of sorts.

I reach the shoe lockers. No one reproaches me for leaving early as I change into my leather shoes.

The students playing baseball and basketball on the school grounds catch my eye.

This school hasn't really changed, either, despite the creation of so many [servants]. They have all forgotten about the 'box', although a few of them may have suffered serious after-effects. But that isn't enough to have a real impact on everyday school life.

"......"

I wonder why?

For some reason, I feel a bit uncomfortable. Even though I stopped Daiya, even though that was what I wanted all along, it saddens me somehow that nothing has changed at all.

I mean, reflecting on what resulted, what are any of us capable of achieving?

If Daiya couldn't change anything even though he was willing to accept self-destruction, how much meaning can be found in our existence? Why is it that everyday life remains unaffected even though one student suffered a serious injury, another student quit school, and another student disappeared without a trace?

...No, this thought is far too Daiya-centric.

In fact, that's why I believe in the sanctity of everyday life; why I believe that I can save Maria by making her part of this self-equilibrating everyday life.

The reason I am being so sentimental right now is—although he might not agree anymore—Daiya is my friend. I feel that his endeavors deserve to pay off at least a little bit.

"Daiya..."

Daiya has disappeared again.

After that incident, I only met him once. He stopped dyeing his hair and removed his piercings, and came to school to hand in an official withdrawal form. I screwed my courage to the sticking point and tried to talk to him, but he just smiled weakly and then ignored me.

I have no idea what Daiya plans to do now.

I leave school, get on the train, and finally arrive at a very familiar five-story apartment complex. I have never pressed any button in this elevator apart from 1F and 4F, and that's not about to change. I press 4F like I always do and head to room 403.

I take the duplicate key Maria gave me and unlock the door.

Before me lies an empty room without any furniture.

No one is present.

I briskly remove my shoes and make myself at home again in this empty apartment. But there is no sign of Maria anymore.

Nowhere.

I could endure the lack of furniture; there were never many things here to begin with.

What's unbearable, however, is the lack of peppermint fragrance in the air.

The scent I associate with Maria is missing, making me realize that Maria won't be returning.

"Maria..."

She disappeared.

Once she finished treating Kokone's wounds that day, she disappeared. I never let her out of my sight, but she must have bided her time, and somehow found an opportunity to slip away. I immediately searched the area, but failed to find her.

She is still registered at school, but I doubt she plans to return, especially since she also moved out.

Most likely, she doesn't plan on ever meeting me again.

Of course I'm going to recover her nonetheless. I'm going to succeed.

"——aahAah!"

I can hardly breathe; I feel as if the oxygen in my lungs is being sucked away. My chest throbs with pain because I want to see her, because I want to see her so much. I tear up. I can't even tell if I'm sad or embittered or feeling some other emotion; it just hurts so much that I can't hold back my tears.

And then I think:

"I won't let you!"

I won't let her escape.

I'm going to find her whatever it takes. Whatever. It. Takes. If I have to kill every single person on this planet, I'm ready to engage in mass genocide at the drop of a hat.

I take out the peppermint oil I bought earlier and start walking around the apartment, dribbling the oil on the floor. However, the nostalgic fragrance that spreads about brings me no comfort. It's not enough. A few drops of oil is never going to be enough for me.

Give me air to breathe!

"Hah...ah...hah!"

Oh Maria.

The real Maria without a 'box'. The pure Maria I haven't encountered yet.

—the Zeroth Maria.

Where are you?

If it would release you, I would gladly rip open Aya Otonashi's skin!

—Click.

Suddenly, the door handle turns downward.

I'm very nervous. Needless to say, I have no right to be here, yet I'm carelessly sprinkling aroma oil as if it were my own home. If someone from the management company is coming in, I'm screwed.

However, when I see who it is, I realize that my concerns were silly.

It's much worse.

It's the worst thing that could happen.

"'O'."

She has again assumed an appearance that somehow resembles Maria's.

The two of us have met several times now. Not all of our encounters changed things for the worse, but it's a different story this time.

'O' stands before me as an enemy.

She has come to fight me.

With a smile as repulsive as ever, she asks:

"Are you ready?"

—For what?

'O' answers:

"To say goodbye to this world!"

◆◆◆ Daiya Oomine - 09/24 THU 10:45 ◆◆◆

Even after losing the 'Shadow of Sin and Punishment', I[1] could remember most of my knowledge concerning the 'boxes'. I don't know why, but I assume it has to do with my knowledge of them even prior to obtaining one.

I walk along the streets of Shinjuku. It's crowded. But unlike last time, I'm not struck by a dizzy spell. I don't see any sins when I step onto someone's shadow. While I know that people are hiding polluted sludge within their bodies, the crowd no longer resembles a wriggling garbage sack.

They're just people.

I reach up to touch my piercing, but remember that I won't find anything metallic there anymore. I smile wryly instead.

In the middle of the crowd, I suddenly get down on my knees. I stretch out my back and gracefully prostrate myself.

No matter how you look at it, what I'm doing is just plain weird.

—All right.

I raise my head. Several people are giving me wry looks, but most people just ignore me and try not to get involved. That's the limit of the influence I can wield by doing something weird. That's all the influence I can wield now that I can no longer control anyone.

I no longer have the power to achieve anything.

"Heh..."

That's okay.

People pass by indifferently.

Yeah, that's right. To me, the world has become a group of people that I will never have anything to do with again.

And that feels incredibly relaxing.

However—

As I get back on my feet, someone suddenly pats me on the back.

I turn around.

"Ah, it's you?" I say as I contort my face. To be honest, I'd rather not see that face again. "Do you still want something from me?"

In response to my attitude, she widens her eyes and starts desperately babbling. I don't understand a word of what she's saying in her agitated state, but after I patiently listen to her for a while, I finally understand what she wants from me. Apparently, she still wants me to act like a god and save the world.

"You want me to guide you? That's impossible; I don't have that power anymore. ...What? You don't care if I have that power or not? You're not making sense. Anyway, let me make this clear: I don't want nor do I intend to do something like that again."

She isn't happy with my answer. She gets all worked up once more and tries to persuade me. What a stubborn girl. She doesn't even remember the 'box' I used on her anymore.

"Responsibility? Yeah, I intend to turn myself in once Kokone gets better. Murdering Koudai Kamiuchi was a great sin, after all. ...Mm? That's not what you're talking about? Then what do you mean by responsibility? ...The responsibility for guiding you? But I released you, didn't I? What else would you want? ......Huh? You're wrong. Your life doesn't belong to me. It never did. It belongs to you and no one else."

She still refuses to give up.

"Could you please stop it already? Don't expect anything else from me. I'm just a high school student—no, I'm not even that anymore. I'm just a failure who couldn't even properly attend my classes—I'm just a human!"

She desperately tries to change my mind.

Guide me, she says. Save me, she cries.

How do you want me to do that, for crying out loud?

It seems futile to engage with her any further. I turn around.

"Live your own life from now on."

We are done with each other.

That's what I tell her.

I distinctly reject the remnant of my now lost power.

In the next moment, I feel a burning pain in my back.

"Huh?"

My energy drains away and I fall to my knees.

In a matter of moments, they're stained with the blood streaming out of me.

I spit out blood and look at the face of the person who stabbed me. Only now do I notice that I may have been talking with her, but I didn't really take heed of her. I treated her like a delusion within my own mind.

Only after being injured like this could I truly recognize her.

Only after injuring me like this could she make me recognize her existence.

"A human you say? Who are you kidding?" she says as she looks down at me with vacant eyes. "You are a god."

The bob-haired middle school girl drops a large kitchen knife and starts to spread my blood on her face like make-up.

"How am I supposed to continue living when you're not a god? Take responsibility! Please take responsibility for what you've started!"

The people around us finally take notice of what's going on and start to scream.

"You're not allowed."

She laughs with tearful eyes.

"You're not allowed to return to being a human."

She dashes off with these final words, bumping into person after person.

She quickly disappears. But it won't be long until she breaks under the burden of what she did. She's up against a wall. This world will never be so gentle and just as to protect her.

That's what my failed attempt at guiding people as a would-be god has brought forth.

"——Ha."

I spit out some more blood.

"——Haha."

So this is the result of what I did, huh? It's so horrible I have to laugh.

But now that I think about it, it shouldn't come as a surprise. Why did I think that I could get away without being punished, anyway? Did I think that the consequences of my actions would magically disappear?

Even after losing my power, I still corner others, and others corner me.

What goes around comes around. I was expecting my ruin all along, so in a sense, my expectation just came true.

However.

Even though I realize that I'm to blame...

"......this is...a bad joke..."

I lament.

I don't wish for my own ruin anymore. I don't desire such an outcome. Yet I ended up this way because I put the gears of fate in motion toward my own ruin.

I have passed the point of no return long ago? Well, shut up. What should I do then? I mean, I—

"......I want...to live...so badly!"

I spit out these heartfelt words along with more blood.

It aches. It hurts. It hurts. It aches.

I want to live.

Kokone.

Kokone, I want to see you.

I was blind and now I see what's right. I don't care if I can't do anything. I don't care if I just become a burden. I still want to be with you. I realize that this is what I want, what I was supposed to do...and yet!

My wish ends up getting crushed like this?

Don't fuck with me!

Clenching my teeth, I struggle to my feet.

I mustn't lose like this. I mustn't die here. The nearest police station should be right around the corner. I have to get there.

No one bothers to help me as I stagger through the crowd, dripping with blood. Each and every person just tries to avoid me. I wasn't able to change the world's indifference.

Is this my just desert?

I try to laugh, but I can't. I've reached my limits rather quickly. I can't push my legs anymore; my consciousness is slowly fading away. The world starts to whirl around me.

It ends here.

I slump powerlessly to the ground.

And then I think,

If there were anyone who could save me in this situation, she would be the very manifestation of hope.

"Oomine! Are you okay?!" I shout as I take him into my arms.

"...Aya?" he whispers and closes his eyes.

His gray jacket is soaked in blood. His wound is deeper than Kirino's, and I don't have any first aid supplies on hand.

I immediately realize that he is beyond help.

I didn't randomly run into him. I had nowhere else to go, so I had been following Oomine. There was no greater significance to my actions; he had once given me the opportunity to make my 'Flawed Bliss' flawless, so I was hoping that he might give me another chance. Absurdly. Naïvely.

So when he whispered, "You did come, after all," I figured he'd noticed that I was tailing him.

But I'm sure that's not it. I must still represent his hopes, even now that he has lost his 'box'.

While I am truly proud of this, I find it vexing that I can't seem to meet his expectations.

"Hang on, I'm calling an ambulance. Try to stay conscious until then," I say hurriedly, knowing full well that it might already be too late.

Oomine slowly speaks through his pain, "Use it......on me..."

"What? What are you trying to say?"

With the last of his strength, Oomine spits out the only way to save him.

"Use the 'Flawed Bliss' on me!"

Erasing my memories of Kazuki Hoshino.

That's what it means to use my 'Flawed Bliss' on Oomine.

No, I still can't say that I'm okay with that. Even after I've witnessed what he's become. The practically eternal length of time we spent together lets him rule over my heart whether I desire it or not. Yes, rule over it. Kazuki has taken root throughout the human parts of my heart. He is everywhere and it's impossible to remove him.

I won't be the same person anymore once I forget about Kazuki. I will turn into a being that's similar, but different—with the same body and the same goal.

Abandoning oneself brings about fear.

Ah...why didn't I act before things got to this stage? Why didn't I immediately cut Kazuki loose?

Did I give in to indolence and wallow in the coziness of living with him? Did I enjoy my lifestyle, neglecting my goal?

—No.

I shake my head mentally. My bonds with Kazuki are anything but weak. They aren't something I could have severed with a simple change of heart. It was unavoidable that our bonds grew so strong, given the existence of the 'Rejecting Classroom'.

I'll admit it.

There are absolute bonds between Kazuki and me; bonds that were fated to develop.

I'm going to cut them.

"——!"

...Don't flinch. You have done this many times already.

But, then—

I can't help but wonder.

Does the word "me" have any meaning when I keep disappearing? Do "I" really exist when I will eventually vanish?

What am "I"?

But suddenly, I start to feel foolish.

"Fufu..."

What's there to wonder about?

I have already found the answer a countless number of times.

"I" am—a 'box'.

I am a 'box', and my sole meaning is to grant the 'wishes' of others.

And right now, right before my eyes, there is a person who seeks my 'Flawed Bliss'.

I smile at Oomine.

"Okay, I'll use it!"

There is no hesitation.

A 'box' mustn't hesitate.

"Please." Oomine stretches his blood-stained hand out to touch my cheek. His touch is so weak that I realize he is at his absolute limit. "I don't want to die."

Suddenly, I remember a person who had a similar 'wish' and was trapped in a world of endless repetitions, because she couldn't wholeheartedly believe in her own survival.

Oomine is a realist. He won't be able to disregard his fate.

In other words, even when he uses the 'Flawed Bliss'—

I cut short my train of thought.

If someone asks for salvation, I shall grant it.

I take his blood-stained hand and put it on my chest.

And then—I vanish.

I vanish.

I vanish.

I sink toward the bottom of the sea. It's completely dark and I'm unable to see anything, even my own hands. I lose my shape. I stop feeling my cold, frozen body. I don't know where I am. Perhaps I'm the deep sea itself.

I can hear laughter from afar, many laughing voices. But they're not real, and I don't approach them.

Because people can't see themselves here, there is no need to show off. My hard shell has been crushed by the water pressure, and my soft spot has been exposed—it's something that no one must see. It's my weak self. My former self. But it doesn't matter because no one else is here.

The world is far away.

Everyone is far away.

"——Ah."

A light that shouldn't be here turns on and interrupts my solitude; it's a light that lacks gentleness-a strong spotlight that singles out sinners. Its brightness causes me to squint my eyes.

She appears.

I call the name of that girl.

"'O'."

However.

She's not. No, she is 'O', but she's not. This charming smile belongs to—

"Aya, Onee-chan."

I understand everything now.

How my 'box' works. That my 'Flawed Bliss' stays flawed. That my efforts are futile. That everything I have done is no different than wandering aimlessly through this pitch-black sea. That I keep erasing my memory to avoid noticing this.

I understand everything.

But then...?

But then, what am I doing all this for?

"Maria," she calls my name. "You remember my 'wish', don't you?"

"Of course!"

That's the only way I can atone for what I did.

The only thing I can do for my beloved sister.

Aya-Oneechan says her favorite phrase:

"I want to help others become happy."

"Mm," I nod.

"Will you keep granting this 'wish' of mine?"

"Mm."

Aya-Oneechan gives me a charming smile.

I am so happy that I try to smile as well, but because my face is frozen, I can't tell if I succeeded.

"You will have to keep wandering for that reason, Maria. You will keep seeking perfection even though what is flawed will forever remain flawed. You will keep forgetting about yourself as you search for something that doesn't exist."

"Perhaps..."

"But that's what you wished for."

"What do you mean? What do you mean by that?"

"Your 'wish', Maria, is to strive for your ideal," she says, smiling oh-so-dearly at me. "But once your 'Flawed Bliss' became flawless, wouldn't you realize that there is no Aya Otonashi within you?"

"Aah, I see."

What I have been doing is—

"————————Anyway."

There is one thing I'm sure of.

I won't stop. No matter how pointless it is, and even if it's no different from endlessly diving into the sea.

Right, I—

"I don't need anyone to stop me."

✵

I wake up. I am in the middle of Shinjuku, sitting with one knee on the ground. I'm positioned as if I were holding someone, but there is no one in my arms.

I notice that I'm drenched with blood. I have no idea why, but oddly, I feel no surprise or fear.

While I don't remember anything else, I do know what happened to me.

I have used the 'Flawed Bliss'.

There is a white space in my head; a hole of such size that I can't possibly fill it. The hole is so gigantic that my body starts to shake just because I'm thinking about it.

I see. I vanished.

I stopped being myself once again.

I almost lose my balance as I get to my feet—I'm surprised by how light my body feels. I look at my reflection in a shop window. My face looks horrible, as if all the sorrows of the world have rained down upon me. In addition, my slender body feels very unsteady. Well, I guess that's what happens when I neglect to steel myself properly.

I take a step only to realize that I don't know where to go.

Without any memories of my family and friends, I have nowhere to take refuge.

Because I suddenly came to a halt, a busy-looking businessman bumps into me. He looks at me, clicks his tongue and walks away.

—Where am I?

—Who am I?

It feels as if I'm wandering through the depths of the sea.

" "

Suddenly, I get the feeling that someone called out to me.

The name that person used felt very amicable and warm. For some reason, I feel as if that voice could clear up the riddle of my identity in a matter of moments.

I turn around.

However, I only see people who are completely indifferent toward me. No one here could have called out to me that way.

" "

Again.

It's a voice that shakes my heart.

But then I notice: even though I feel that person calling out to me, I don't know what that voice is saying.

"What...?"

I touch my cheeks.

"Why am I crying?"

I don't know what's going on.

But it must have been something very dear to my former self.

While it doesn't matter anymore, it must have been something that was not supposed to be lost.

But...

It doesn't matter to me.

I wipe away my tears. My eyes are dry now.

I haven't forgotten my goal. What's of paramount importance to me is granting others' 'wishes'. That's all. Whatever my former self held so dear has to be cut away.

No, that's already been done.

All right, I shall go meet 'O'Onee-chan again.

"...Eh?"

What was that thought that just ran through my head?

I try to remember, but I can't. I can't recall what I was thinking a second ago, but I also feel that it doesn't really matter.

I will keep wandering. That's all.

And once more, I forget the true identity of 'O'.

Share