Published at 26th of March 2019 12:07 am

Volume 7, Part 2

After getting in an accident, Mogi-san lost her ability to walk. She's still doing intensive physical rehab and hasn't returned to school yet.

However, her classmates wanted her to somehow participate in the school festival. We wanted to show her that her friends at school are still rooting for her.

We thought a lot about how we could make her day enjoyable and ensure that everything went smoothly. We agreed that someone had to look out for her during the entire day, and for some reason I was unanimously chosen for that role.

Needless to say, I accepted without a second thought. I'm delighted to spend time with her, and it would be wonderful if her memories of the festival could help support her recovery.

I begin to smile as I gaze at Mogi-san. She's still looking at the floor.

"The pleasure is all mine, Mogi-san," I say and bow my head.

"Ah! But…! I hope I won't be too much of a hassle, so really, I should be thanking you!" she stutters and bows again.

"Don't hesitate to ask if you need anything, okay? I'll do my best to keep you entertained!"

Bow.

"Aah…! Don't bow! I'm really happy that we can enjoy the festival together! Thank you so much!"

Bow.

"Hehe"

Bow.

"Hehehe"

Bow.

Bow. Bow. Bow.

For no good reason, we keep bowing to each other while smiling in embarrassment.

"Take this!"

"Ouch!"

Before long, Haruaki smacks me.

"That hurt, Haruaki…"

"It was supposed to! Remember how you gave me a hard time a few moments ago, just for taking a girl on a date?!"

…Well, I have to admit that I really lucked out.

"Hey, Hoshino. You can go and leave the rest up to us!" yells our class president, Ryuu Miyazaki, in a slightly rough tone. He's not mad at us; that's just how he normally sounds.

"Okay, we're off then," I reply and grab the handles of Mogi-san's wheelchair. "Let's go."

"Yeah!"

I give her wheelchair a gentle push.

What a moment—it once again marks the start of this great day.

"……Hm?"

—Again?

Mogi-san turns her smile on me, and whatever fleeting concerns I had get blown away with the rest of my worries.

Every proper school festival ends with a campfire … no, that's a lie. I have no clue how widespread this custom is in reality.

Lit by the flickering flames, students dance to the tune of the Oklahoma Mixer.[1] Two first-year students whose love confession we witnessed earlier are happily holding hands. Looks like the confession went well.

Kokone and Daiya have changed out of their costumes, and are also dancing. They used to not get along because of some ancient history, but they got past that and started dating. They haven't entirely escaped the shackles of their past, but at least for now, they're dancing free of care.

Mogi-san has also changed back into her school uniform. She's sitting in her wheelchair and staring into the flames. She looks very serious, as if she's branding this moment into her memory.

I'm just a high school kid, but I already know: such blissful moments are rare. I'll treasure the glamor of adolescence for the rest of my life.

It's the same for Kokone, Daiya, and so many others. People have their own, personal stories of their adolescence. Maybe they're not always happy stories, but today will still stand out for the rest of our lives.

No day comes twice.

While watching the dancing couples, Mogi-san mutters, "how nice."

I'm at a loss for words; Mogi-san will never be able to dance like that again.

She notices the expression on my face and frantically shakes her head.

"Ah, don't get me wrong! I'm not whining! I was just jealous of how they can spend a special day like this in love with each other!"

Her satisfied smile clearly proves that she's speaking from the heart.

"Kazu-kun…"

After all the time we spent together today, I finally understand how she feels about me.

"After that accident, I thought that I wouldn't be able to achieve happiness in a conventional way any more. Even though I might act happy, even though I might have happy moments from time to time, I was convinced that my disability would always hold me back, that I would never be able to smile without care."

Despite her self-deprecating words, her face is calm.

"But you know what?" she continues, "I didn't feel bad at all about my disability today. Really. That's a huge discovery for me! For instance, I can't dance with you, but I don't mind at all. Not because I'm persuading myself to think that way, but because I already feel really happy. Isn't that wonderful?"

I smile at her and nod deeply.

"Because I was able to enjoy this day, I finally stopped hating myself." Mogi-san takes my hand. "Thanks for making me feel this way."

The fire isn't the only reason her face is slightly red. A look at her face is enough to tell me what she's going to say next.

"I love you, Kazu-kun."

Her smile is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. That's genuinely how I feel. I'm the only person who gets to see her smile like this. I'm definitely the luckiest guy in the world. I would do anything to protect that smile.

My feelings of fulfillment are about to boil over. Every single cell in my body is vibrating with joy.

This has to be the best day in my life.

And this day—

This day, that I'd love to experience forever—

"Aah—…"

—Is a goddamn farce.

A cold breeze that has been hiding behind the warm air brushes past my cheeks. The sharp coldness of the breeze clears my dulled senses at once.

What is this disgusting place?

The gentle, crimson scene before me turns into a poorly executed oil painting depicting a silly pipe dream.

"Heh, heh…" I chuckle, amused by my stupidity for not noticing that anything was awry until now.

"Kazu-kun…?" Mogi-san asks, cocking her head in response to my abrupt shift in mood.

I disregard her, however, and look at my right hand instead.

As I thought, there is no scar.

—My resolve to save Maria has disappeared.

I do not have the power to crush boxes right now.

I look at Mogi-san, whose eyes have widened.

Her confession delighted me. That's true. The repeated days in this box have made me fall in love with her for real. I'm head over heels in love with her.

But this story ends here. The story ends after she confesses and we become a couple. There is no sequel.

Come to think of it, this isn't the first time this has happened. The same thing occurred in the Rejecting Classroom, although our roles were reversed. Back then, Mogi-san was delighted when I finally accepted her confession, only to despair upon realizing that there was no tomorrow. It's the same kind of futility.

Right. No matter how comfy, this world is made of lies. No matter how happy everyone seems to be, it's all fake. No?

I mean—she is not here.

Maria is not here.

This world assumes that she didn't exist, and seems like a happily-ever-after. Maybe we would have ended up like this if she had never brought the boxes into our lives. Perhaps, the root of all evil is O and the Flawed Bliss.

Maria hurt us by dragging those anomalies, those boxes, into our lives.

However—

"I don't care."

I live only for Maria's sake.

"…Kazu-kun? What's wrong?"

The situation resembles that of the Rejecting Classroom, but I'm sure that Mogi-san is innocent this time. Still, there's more to this than mere coincidence. Maria's psyche was most likely influenced by the time she spent inside the repeating world, which is why the Flawed Bliss has assumed a shape reminiscent of the Rejecting Classroom.

Its power is to make happiness last forever, but at root, it's all fake and only lasts for a single day.

It seems O decided to pin me down in this world in order to corner me.

Once I accept this happiness—once I accept the absence of Maria—I will lose to O and be trapped in this world forever.

Therefore, there is only one response I can give to Mogi-san. After all, there is no tomorrow to our relationship.

"…Please wait until tomorrow," I force myself to say and run away from her.

"K-Kazu-kun…?!"

Ignoring her cries, I rush into the school building and head upstairs, skipping steps as I go. I finally get to the rooftop, open the door, and find myself confronted by the sight of the sunset.

"Hah … hah … hah…"

In order to struggle against this recurring world, I need to somehow retain my memories. In the Rejecting Classroom, I was able to do so by experiencing something traumatic, like witnessing Maria or Mogi-san getting hit by a truck.

While I have no concrete proof, I'm fairly sure that I can achieve the same effect by doing something similar. By the time I decided to run to the roof, I had already come up with a plan.

I'll jump off the school!

I run toward the fence at full speed to avoid thinking about the fall to come.

I throw myself at the fence and start to climb, finally standing at the very top.

"——Ah…"

I see the ground below.

—I'm going to be hammered against it.

Suddenly, I'm overwhelmed by fear. My legs freeze. My brain immediately cools down and starts to churn out excuses. Suicide is absolutely stupid! Go right back to Mogi-san and accept her confession. There's no reason to be loyal to just Maria. Why not accept a world where everyone is happy except for Maria? Think it over don't jump don't die don't think forget her forget her forget her—

"S … SHUT THE FUCK UUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!"

I take a flying leap off the fence and dive into the crimson sky.

Imagine. Imagine breaking through this world.

For a split second, a crack runs through this supposedly perfect world. The darkness that I recognize beyond the crack proves that I'm right—this world is fake.

However, that vision only lasts for a split second.

The darkness gets obscured again, and I fall headalong toward the ground.

Without mercy, without pity, my head smashes against the hard ground.

Splash.

As I hear my skull splitting open and its contents getting crushed, my consciousness—

13,189th time

—gets transferred over.

Instead of having my brains scattered around me, I'm lying on the floor of our classroom. My classmates are busy preparing for the festival.

I sit up and put down the recorder that I was holding.

"Ah, gh…"

What I saw right before I died makes my heart beat wildly. I can't shake the cold sweats. I could throw up at any moment.

I certainly don't want to go through that a second time … but I'll probably have no other choice.

After all—

"It worked."

I managed to retain my memory, which is the minimum requirement to fight against this world. Without that ability, I would waste the entire day enjoying myself. I'd become yet another gear within this meaningless world.

In order to prevent that, I have to commit pseudo-suicide.

I struggle to my feet and rest my elbows against a cloth-covered table.

A long time ago, I was taken in by O. I don't remember when that happened, but it was ages ago. My memory of that time has faded and feels foreign to me, like watching a movie. I have been repeating this day—the day of the school festival—for a very long time, trapped within an illusion of happiness.

I have no idea how many loops have already occurred. I only had that information during my time in the Rejecting Classroom, because Maria had been able to keep track.

I may have repeated this day over 10,000 times already. Perhaps I'm starting to become part of this world. I have no way to tell.

I forgot how the real world feels, and can't differentiate this world from the real one. That I became aware of the truth borders on a miracle.

If I neglect to retain my memory, my doubts about this world will eventually disappear entirely. If that happens, this happy festival will repeat itself thousands upon thousands of times.

The same day will repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and melt me and swallow me like an old piece of chewing gum that has lost all flavor.

—How is that different from death?

"Uh … ah—"

Fear.

The fear of losing my purpose, of having the meaning of my life painted over.

But even that fear will eventually fade.

"Gh…!"

Angst-ridden, I rush out of the classroom. I hear Kokone calling out to me, but I couldn't care less. I have to put a stop to this repeating world.

It's easy enough to run away from school and the festive mood surrounding it, but I quickly come to a stop.

I don't know where to go. In fact, I don't have anything even vaguely resembling a clue.

In the Rejecting Classroom, our goal was to locate the owner. This time, however, there is no owner to begin with. At most, you could say that Maria herself is the owner, since I was consumed by O—a part of the Flawed Bliss.

That being said, Maria does not exist in this world. She can't be found.

"But—"

This world is connected to Maria, so there might be a hint somewhere.

"I have to find a fragment of Maria!"

If I manage to find one, it's bound to help me come up with a solution.

I ran around town. My first destination was Maria's apartment, which turned out to be empty, just like in the real world. Naturally, there was no peppermint scent to be found. After thoroughly searching the room and realizing there were no clues to be found, I decided to sift through all the places I had visited with Maria.

I went to the park, the game center, the karaoke bar, the shopping mall, the hospital, the amusement park, the restaurants and cafés we ate at—however, I didn't find a single fragment of Maria.

There was no trace of such a thing in this world.

In the end, my aimless meanderings allowed time to fly by, and before long, a red glow started to cover the sky once more.

I must retain my memory, and the time of day when I jumped off the roof during the last loop is drawing near. I'll have to commit pseudo-suicide again.

I don't know the exact time when each repeating day gets reset. My memory could be reset at any point after the time of day of my previous suicide.

I absolutely must jump before that!

Needless to say, unwillingly jumping to one's death is abnormal and comes with great fear.

But I have no other choice.

Actually, there is no need to insist on jumping off a roof nor is there a need to die in the same spot as last time, but my feet still carry me to the roof of our school.

I pass through the gate and head toward the school building. Suddenly, a familiar face stops me.

"Hoshii!"

It's Haruaki. He's walking up to me with a raised eyebrow, pushing a wheelchair.

"Where did you go, Hoshii?! You were in charge of Kasumi today, remember?! Weren't you looking forward to it just as much as she was?! Why, just why…?"

He has every right to be angry with me.

"I-It's all right, Haruaki-kun … I'm sure there's a good reason!" Mogi-san defends me.

Her words are kind, but she can't hide her disappointment.

—Mogi-san … I would love to switch off my brain and enjoy the festival together with you. I would love to see your smile up close … but I can't!

I must not adhere to the "role" this world has given me. If I give in to that temptation, I will be trapped here forever.

Suppressing my feelings, I ask, "Do you know Maria? Maria Otonashi?"

"…Is this the time for questions, Hoshii…? Who the hell is that?" Haruaki says harshly.

"Does that person have something to do with why you disappeared?"

As I feared, neither of them have any idea of who Maria is.

"Ah … gh…!"

This is too much to bear. I turn my back to them and run toward the roof.

Jump. I must jump! I must die!

—What is so unbearable?

They don't know about Maria. I couldn't sense a trace of Maria in them.

But that's okay—I was prepared for that.

Then why is it that I'm so deeply shattered? Why is it that I'm horribly nervous and distressed? What am I fleeing from?

It's because nothing felt off. Even though my classmates are supposed to know Maria, their ignorance doesn't strike me as strange. Maria seems like a distant fictional character in an unrelated world.

While I, the only one who remembers Maria, appear to be far more false than they do.

Suddenly, I realize something crucial.

Maria.

What kind of girl were you?

I'm starting to forget about Maria … just how long have I been exposed to the violence of time for this to happen? The time spent in this state of false happiness has already grown heavy enough to squash me.

If I'm going to forget even more about her—then why maintain this lonely struggle at all?

"Hah … hah … hah…"

I keep on running as if to shake off my doubts and open the door to the rooftop. A crimson world jumps into view. I don't have much time left.

"I love you, Kazu-kun."

This world is most seductive. I want to stay here.

However, I shake off that thought.

I won't waver. I don't want to waver. I mustn't waver. Without leaving myself any room for doubt, I climb the fence and stand on top of it.

I jump.

I fall, and I spread the insides of my head all over the ground again.

13,190th time

After returning to the morning classroom and confirming that I still have my memory, I stand up.

However, I'm immediately attacked by a fit of dizziness. My hand is trembling as I hold my forehead. The pseudo-suicides are seriously damaging my mind.

—How long am I going to have to keep this up?

I shake my head to free myself from my qualms. I mustn't think about them any more, or I'll be drowning within these loops before I know it.

"…Okay."

I'll sift through everyone at school this time. I'll walk around and interrogate anyone who associated with Maria.

No doubt I'll earn much resentment for wandering around instead of tending to Mogi-san. I'll do it anyway … I have to.

"—Ha!"

I look up at the crimson sky as I lean against the door to the rooftop. The day has ended fruitlessly once more.

I continued my attempts at interrogation until I was despised by the entire class for deeply upsetting Mogi-san, but the end result was still a disastrous failure. No one knew about Maria, and no one provided any clues.

"—Heh, haha!"

I can only laugh. I'm horribly exhausted. I can't even walk straight because the lack of sleep is wearing me down. I want to rest. I don't want to think anymore. I want to escape. I just want to escape. I want to go to the school festival together with Mogi-san, even for just one day.

But I can't.

I won't be able to resist these loops if I savor the sweet taste of happiness once more.

So, it's time to jump again.

It's time to commit suicide.

"…This is so fucked up."

—What kind of logic is that? Why do I have to repeatedly suffer such pain? Is it really worth it?

Cutting off that train of thought, I jump off the roof.

Splash. I spill the contents of my head once again.

13,191st time

I retained my memory, but I can't muster the willpower to stand up. I want to act, but neither my body nor my heart will listen to me.

Give me just a grain of hope, even if it's dimmer than a tiny nightlight. I just want to take a step forward.

I force my leaden limbs into motion and stand up.

However, once again I was unable to make any progress, and end up lying on my back on the roof.

No one seems to know Maria. There is no trace of her existence.

"Uh … ghu…"

I tear up. I don't want to jump off the roof anymore. I don't want to suffer anymore. I don't want to sadden Mogi-san anymore. I'm fed up with everything.

But since giving up is not an option, I jump again. Splash. I spill out the contents of my head.

Just kill me for good already!

13,192nd time

But my life continues, and so does the chain of memories. Even though my pain is self-inflicted, I can't help wailing out loud and making myself the center of attention.

"God. Dammit—!" I curse after crying myself out and wiping away my tears. "I won't give up!"

There's no way in hell I'm going to give up.

13,201st time

I gaze at the crimson sky from the school rooftop.

How many times did I repeat the same day? Only about ten times, I'm guessing?

There's nothing left for me to do. There are simply no fragments of Maria to be found.

I'm trapped by this loop. There's no way out.

Then what am I supposed to do? Do I still have to continue to fight? Isn't it okay to lose my memories? Haven't I done enough? Haven't I earned some rest?

I'm attacked by thoughts that try to overcome me. The thoughts won't stop. At this point I'm only thinking about fleeing my duty.

And yet I climb the fence. I don't even know if there's any point to this. I don't know if this is the right thing to do. But I'm still chained by my obsession: I must bring Maria back into my life.

I jump off the fence.

I spill the contents of my head.

Hahaha, is there even anything left to spill?

13,445th time

The count has exceeded 250. I died more than 250 times. I see the campfire as I look down at the school grounds. I'm no longer able to recognize any meaning in the Oklahoma Mixer that is playing in the distance.

I killed off my thoughts a while ago because they were getting in my way.

Only rarely am I able to form any meaningful thoughts like I am right now.

And yet, I jump off the roof once more. The mountain of my dead bodies increases by one.

I don't even think about the reason I'm doing all this anymore.

Splash.

14,590th time

Who's Maria?

I jump off the roof.

Splash.

14,688th time

Corpses. 500 corpses.

This is a mechanism made for Kazuki Hoshino to jump to his death.

14,888th time

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa​aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa​aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa​aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa​aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa​aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa​aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa​aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa​aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa​aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa​aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa​aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa​aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa​aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa​aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa​aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa​aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa​aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa​aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa​aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa​aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"

15,233rd time

" "

18,900th time

" "

22,000th time

" "

26,000th time

"

"

27,500th time

"

"

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