Published at 26th of March 2019 12:07 am

Volume 7, Part 11

+++ Kokone Kirino (16), September 23rd +++

When Daiya finally showed up at the hospital where I was recovering from my self-inflicted injury, he had already left school. He had removed his piercings and dyed his hair back to its natural black. When he discovered me on my hospital bed, he gave me a tender smile and stroked my cheek.

However, I couldn't see the loving, carefree boy he once was anymore. Daiya was no longer innocent.

I carefully wrapped my hands around his hand. Mm … I don't want to forget this touch.

When I let go of his hand, he pulled it back. That was enough for me to understand what he was planning to do.

"You're going to leave me alone again."

With rounded eyes, Daiya gave me a lopsided smile. "Can't hide anything from you, Kokone, can I?"

"Where do you plan on going this time?"

Daiya smiled vaguely. "I don't know."

"You don't know…?"

"I know what's important to me now: being by your side. Kazu taught me the hard way."

"Then stay here with me, silly…"

He gently shook his head.

"…I'm sure you understand, Kokone. I've committed too many sins. I played with and ruined the futures of a lot of people. As long as I don't atone for this, I can't be by your side. But I don't know how to atone. That's why I have to go look for a way to take responsibility," Daiya explained and calmly lowered his gaze. "I will keep searching. Maybe it'll take a year, maybe it'll take ten, and maybe I won't find out at all. At any rate, I will have to carry this burden for the rest of my life."

"Daiya…"

"But I can promise you one thing."

He kissed me.

"I will return to you, Kokone."

When our lips parted, I couldn't help but tear up.

"Promise!" I said.

"Yeah."

"You must return to me!"

"Yeah."

Daiya wiped away my tears with his fingers.

"I won't fail you again."

He said he wouldn't make the same mistake again.

He promised he would return to me.

But the next time I saw Daiya, he was lying on a hospital bed and had countless medical devices connected to his body.

He had been stabbed in the back by a fanatical middle school girl (who was immediately arrested) and ended up in the ICU. While he escaped death, severe blood loss had caused brain damage and shut down his consciousness.

Daiya was unconscious. A ventilator was pumping air into his lungs through his windpipe, and two tubes had been plugged into his nose. I could hear the sound of the ventilator inflating and deflating and the beeping of the ECG.

The moment I saw him like that, I burst into tears. Even if his chest went up and down and his eyes occasionally blinked, he didn't look human to me anymore. It was a living being disguised as Daiya.

One month passed but he remained comatose.

Daiya's parents visited him almost every day, even though they had not been on speaking terms with him because of the incident involving me and Miyuki Karino. A lot of other people showed up as well: Haru, Kasumi, our other classmates, Maria Otonashi, Yuuri Yanagi, Iroha Shindou, Miyuki Karino, and even Riko Asami, who had been working at a farm in Hokkaidou. Some of his former believers also visited him, but unlike the girl who had stabbed him, they had returned to normal. However, no matter who visited him, Daiya's condition didn't change. He didn't show any reaction.

Against our families' wishes, I quit school to spend more time by Daiya's side. I believed that letting him listen to my voice was the best way to bring him back.

However, Daiya didn't recover no matter how long I talked to him. While watching him all day I noticed that there were moments when he showed some signs of life, but those were just weak signs and nothing tangible. The crucial bit didn't change; he was still just an inhuman shell.

As time passed, his chances of recovery gradually sunk and my fear that he might never awaken grew by the day. Anxiety gnawed on my hope like a hungry beast.

I slowly started to grow numb … until I became completely expressionless.

Another month passed and now it was November. I had gotten so haggard that even I was aware of it. In fact, Daiya's doctor even suggested that I talk to a psychiatrist.

I wiped Daiya's tears with a strip of gauze. Of course, those tears just ran down his cheeks due to reflexes and had nothing to do with actual emotions. Suddenly, while I was wiping his face clean, a thought crossed my mind.

Could it be that this is how he plans to atone? Did he impose this punishment on himself to make up for his sins?

If that's true, he's an egotist, I thought. He's neglecting me.

I held my lower body and touched the scar that is likely to accompany me for the rest of my life. It was the place where I stabbed myself with a knife because I believed I could save Daiya.

"I don't care if I die as long as Daiya becomes happy."

Back then, I thought that from the bottom of my heart. And I still do. I'm willing to sacrifice myself for Daiya anytime.

Maybe he was a sinner. Maybe he had to shoulder his sins. But was there a reason for him to carry this burden on his own? Couldn't he pass some of it on to other people like me? Was there nothing he could do to be forgiven?

Is that so? Is that why he ended up like this?

Yeah… I thought to myself. The world had always been cruel, and I knew it. That cruelty was carved into my back.

In that case—

"Enough."

We've seen enough of this world.

By pulling out the medical equipment attached to Daiya, I could stop his bodily functions. Let's do this, I thought. Let's go to the next stage. Maybe his soul is already waiting for me in heaven.

In that case, just do it!

I grabbed the tubes connected to his nose.

Just pull them out and it's over. No one's gonna blame me. No, even if they do, I'll follow Daiya anyway.

…You were lonely, Daiya, weren't you? I'm sorry, but I'll be with you in a moment!

"Uh … gh…"

However, I couldn't bring myself to pull them out, and let go of the tubes.

No matter how inhuman the shell before me seemed, it still looked like Daiya. There was no way I could end his life while there was still a chance for him to awaken, no matter how long the odds.

I knew that I was simply prolonging the state of affairs because I was afraid of the endgame, but I couldn't help it.

I'm so weak.

There's nothing I can do.

I broke down on Daiya's emaciated body and cried myself to exhaustion.

Two months passed and the new year came and went, but Daiya still showed no signs of recovery. He did resume breathing on his own from time to time, but I'd been told that it had little to do regaining consciousness. Daiya's doctor had been pessimistic regarding Daiya's recovery from the beginning, but he'd gotten especially frank recently. Daiya's parents still believed that he'd return, but they'd also started showing doubts. They even asked me if we should grant him a painless death.

Isn't it strange? I thought. They made it sound as if Daiya's body were only being kept alive because of my selfishness. Even though I was the one who most wanted to release him!

"I would do anything for you."

That wasn't a lie, but my attempt to commit suicide together had failed. I didn't know if it was right to end his life with my own hands. No, even if it were right, I wouldn't be able to do it.

But there was something I'd noticed.

While I couldn't bring myself to end Daiya's life, I could easily end my own.

I'm sure Daiya's waiting on me in heaven, and if he's not there, it simply means that he survived, which is even better.

What a brilliant idea! I wonder why I didn't think of it earlier?

The next day, I brought a knife with me to visit him.

This time, I wouldn't stab my stomach; I'd cut my throat and go meet Daiya.

My suicidal plans caused on thing to completely slip my mind. Maria Otonashi had said that she'd come by to visit Daiya that day.

She's the one who kept Daiya's body alive by providing first aid and calling the ambulance when he was stabbed. She seems to have forgotten about that, but the records don't lie.

I was thankful for that. But for some reason, I didn't get along with her as well as I used to.

Maria Otonashi had brought a music box and was holding it near Daiya's ears. Apparently, there was a case where a music box brought a patient back to consciousness. Well, it's futile anyway, I thought because I doubted that he'd react to something like that if he didn't even react to my voice.

Just leave already so that I can die.

"…Kirino."

All of a sudden, Maria Otonashi gave me a tight hug.

"Huh?"

Did I look that depressed?

…No, she didn't give me a hug—she's examining my pocket.

"Ah…"

She pulled my knife out by its leather cover and sighed deeply as she looked at it.

"I was wondering why you were so antsy, but I sure didn't expect this … What were you going to—No, don't say it. I can guess."

Her all-knowing attitude made me instantly boil over.

—As if you could understand how I'm feeling!

"Give it back!" I yelled hysterically. "Give it back, give it back, give it back!"

I knew that this much noise would bring the nurses here at any moment, but I was unable to regain my composure and charged at Maria.

My attack proved futile. She swiftly dashed around me and restrained me with a joint lock.

"Cut it out! Let go of me! Give my knife back!" I shouted and, unable to suppress the riot of emotion, continued amid my tears: "The only way! The only way to see Daiya is death!"

"Jesus Christ! Why are you like that, the both of you?!"

"What?!" I yelled back.

"I do respect your and Oomine's determination, but sacrificing yourself for each other is just plain wrong. It makes no sense. It will only make you both unhappy, because Daiya's just as concerned about your happiness as you are about his. Have you forgotten how much you suffered when your positions were reversed?! Why can't you wrap your head around this, for crying out loud!"

Her compelling tone made me flinch, but I continued anyway:

"You're one to talk! Who's sacrificing herself for Kazu-kun right now, hm?!"

"I used to be a manifestation of self-sacrifice, but what's past is past. I'm with Kazuki for my own sake. Kazuki, too, needs me and can't become happy without me. I'm not sacrificing myself anymore, nor could I," she retorted.

I kept scowling at her.

"Do you know why you are making the mistake of sacrificing yourself?" she asked. "I was like you once, that's why I can tell." She then coldly declared:

"It's because you're weak. It's because you can't face reality."

"O-Of course I can't face reality! How could I live with the fact that Daiya—the person I love is a goddamn vegetable?! He's my everything! The world has taken everything from me! What else is there left for me to do?!" I shouted: "What the hell am I supposed to do?!"

I thought she wouldn't be able to answer my question. I thought there were no answers to this question.

Maria Otonashi, however, answered without hesitation.

"Believe in Oomine's recovery."

I bit my lips.

You make it sound easy!

"What's there to believe in?!" I shouted. "I know how terrible this world is, oh yes I do. How much do you think I have lost already? How the hell am I supposed to believe in a miracle?!"

"I never told you to believe in the world. I know just as well as you do that the world doesn't listen to prayers."

"Look! Then spare me your idle ta—"

"But I do believe in Kazuki."

"What? What are you—"

"I know that Kazuki would never leave me alone, I believe from the bottom of my heart that he will return to my life."

"…W-Why … how can you be so confident of that…?"

Right. Maria Otonashi was in the same situation as I was. She should have been in just as much despair as I was, but she looked full of hope.

Why? What's the difference between me and her?

"Do you not believe?"

—Aah, our difference is perfectly obvious.

"Do you not believe that Oomine would never leave you like this?"

She has faith in her beloved one.

"I will return to you, Kokone."

Daiya made a promise.

However, I didn't believe in his words one bit. Even worse, I tried to kill myself, whom he treasures more than anything.

Just how badly had I betrayed Daiya?

"I … I—"

But if I were honest, I couldn't be so optimistic. I didn't believe that his feelings for me alone could bring him back to me.

"…Daiya … what should I—huh?"

Daiya was crying. He was silently crying.

Just another reflex? I asked myself. …No way. That wouldn't occur with such perfect timing.

"Ah…"

My voice had been reaching him. But he could only look on and blame himself as I became increasingly suicidal. How horrible, how mortifying was that?

I hadn't noticed any of this and almost taken what he treasured the most from him, unaware of how cruel I was.

Without me, the thread that was barely connecting him to the world of the living would tear. He would never wake up again.

I finally realized that.

"Daiya needs me."

Just as much as I need him.

"I'm sorry," for being ignorant of something so simple. "I'm sorry…!"

I clung to Daiya's body and cried at the top of my lungs.

Maria Otonashi silently waited for me to calm down. She made sure to wind up the music box she had brought to surround me with a gentle tune.

Half a year has passed since then. It's now July.

I heard that Maria Otonashi was elected president of the student council and that she announced her engagement to Kazu-kun.

No one else might realize this, but I can tell that she has to be incredibly strong to not lose faith in Kazu-kun. That said, looking after him every day and not getting the slightest response is bound to be straining and heartbreaking.

So, I find her announcement particularly inspiring.

"Daiya," I say as I stroke his back. There's no answer, of course.

Suicide isn't an option anymore—because I believe in him. There are still days when I lose heart, but that's natural, given that even Maria Otonashi gets worn out.

I wind up the music box she once brought here and let it play.

Lately, I've become the one who seeks comfort in this tune.

"Sigh…" I breathe out.

Even now that Maria Otonashi has helped me see the light, I'm still unable to dismiss my anxiety about fate. I still feel that the world is a harsh place.

However, I'm changing—slowly but surely .

I'm changing by believing in people.

A little more than two years are left until the day of Maria Otonashi's promise.

Before then, I want to become the cheerful girl I once was.

That's my wish.

"Your wish's the same, no, Daiya?" I say with a smile that, if I may say so myself, is devoid of any negative emotion.

Suddenly, I notice that Daiya's eyes are tracking my smile. There is an intelligence behind his gaze for the first time in so long.

"Eh…?"

+++ Kazuki Hoshino (19), October 3rd +++

─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────Thoughts resumed. Suddenly. External information not processable until now. Chaos in my head. I was here but consciousness was far away. Tried controlling body, but body did not react. Body operated on its own and was independent of mind.

But now I can control body. But not freely. Like operating a remote control. I also press the wrong buttons from time to time.

Even while in chaos I was able to regain knowledge of language. Because someone talked to me. General knowledge could also be regained. However, my memory is fragmented and does not seem like my own. It's scattered like a jigsaw puzzle, and I can't piece it together. Don't know if I ever can.

I try walking through the house. No one is here. Sister Luu-chan is not here, either. Come to think of it, she is often crying and saying that I am not me. Therefore, I always thought this body had nothing to do with me. I thought I was watching a weird video. That's wrong. I am me. I finally realized that.

I go to the kitchen. I open cupboard and eat bought cookies. I was also able to eat while I was not me. I think my mother always asked me if it tasted good, but didn't know. I only knew that spicy things make me go ouch. I hated the rice I got everyday. It was sloppy and didn't have any taste. I only ate sweets. Because "sweet" was the only taste I understood. One day, mother sprinkled "Furikake" seasoning on top of my rice. Suddenly it had taste and I liked my rice. Seasoning is like magic.

As I wait by the entrance, the door opens. The person standing there looks at me with surprise—probably because I hardly ever leave my room—but then she smiles.

It's the woman who lives in the same room as I do. She has a nice smell and I become happy when I see her. "I'm back, Kazuki. I went to see Usui today. You wouldn't believe how muscular he's become!" I don't know what 'Usui' refers to, but I nod a few times. Suddenly, the woman crinkles her eyes. "…I recognize something in your eyes. Do you understand what I'm saying?" I nod again. With a face that has turned all red, the woman calls out to my family. But they aren't here. Should I tell her? I try but I fail because my thoughts can't be translated into words. I only manage to make meaningless noises.

My head feels jumbled, as if the contents had been thrown into a mixer. Getting everything back into place is very difficult.

But I remember the most important word.

Maria.

That is that woman's name.

My family was happy about the return of my conscious thoughts. Maria was also happy. But I still can't speak yet.

They started to talk to me more. Previously, everyone except for Maria seemed pained when talking to me, but recently they seem a bit happier. I'm also happy.

I spend most of my time staying in the same room. As long as nobody calls out to me, I don't leave my room. Maria lives with me in the same room, but I don't remember when that started. I don't think it's normal for someone that's not part of my family to live with me, but my family doesn't say anything, so I suppose it's okay. But whenever I hear her breathing in the bed above mine, my heart starts pounding and I think that we might not be supposed to sleep in the same room, after all.

Maria and my family are often trying to get me out of the house, especially now that I've regained my ability to think.

But I hate going outside. There is too much light. There are too many colors. Information of all kinds enters my eyes and fills my head. Sooner or later, I get overwhelmed and my head starts to ache. When Maria is forcing me to go outside and I start to wail loudly, she lets me return to my room. But whenever I do that, Maria looks very sad. She shouldn't try to get me to go outside if it makes her sad.

There's one thing Maria says to me everyday.

"I will marry you."

Getting married. I know what those words means. They mean becoming family. People who love each other do that. But I don't get it; if we live together anyway, why get married?

"But I won't force you. We won't get married until you honestly want to."

She says that everyday as well.

"Nor will we get married until you recover your everyday life."

That too. I'm sick of hearing it.

I don't really understand what she's talking about, but it makes me angry. She is ordering me around for no good reason, telling me to do something very difficult.

When I give her the cold shoulder, Maria suddenly looks extremely sad. Sadder than ever before.

The rest of that day my chest hurts for some reason. It hurts so much that I can't sleep and tears pour out of my eyes. Maria notices that I'm crying and climbs down from the top bunk and hugs me. "What's wrong?" I calm down. She's warm. I want to stay like this.

Finally, I notice that I'm so sad because of Maria's extremely sad expression from earlier today. I absolutely don't want to see her like that. When Maria is sad, I am sad as well.

What should I do to keep her from becoming sad?

I should probably listen to everything she tells me. If I listen to her, we will eventually get married as she wishes. If we get married, Maria might always smile at me.

When I imagine that, I suddenly become happy.

In that case, I'm willing to put up with things that hurt a bit.

I started actively going outside. Because Maria wanted me to go outside.

When Maria and I are walking outside together, many of our neighbors will approach us. I think I know them, but I barely remember talking with them. They say they are worried about me and wish me the best, but their words aren't like those of Maria and my family. They're not honest. And they look at me with nasty eyes. I'm sure they would look at me in the same way if I danced naked before them. That always makes me angry, and most of the time when I can't control my anger anymore, Maria looks in my eyes and says, "Let's call it a day, shall we?"

I'm not just afraid of people I know; strangers scare me too. Most of them either ignore us or look away, but some people give us strange looks. It feels very unpleasant whenever that happens. Unlike when Maria and my family look at me, I don't get what they are thinking. They might try to kill me or Maria at any moment. Whenever that thought crosses my mind, I can't move anymore. Maria then gently says, "everything's fine."

People aren't the only obstacles outside. I'm afraid of the large things that are shooting around at incredible speeds because I would definitely die if I got hit by one. It doesn't make sense to me that I'm the only one who seems to care. In fact, my memory tells me that a certain "Mogi-san" got into big trouble when one of them hit her. I also know for a fact that several thousand people die every year because of them. Why does nobody seem to care? Whenever a car or a motorbike passes nearby, I squeeze Maria's hand. She usually squeezes back and smiles at me.

But trains are even scarier than roads. They're giant boxes with lots of people inside. So many that their bodies touch. I'm crushed by an overflow of information. My thoughts can't keep up. I can't think about dozens of people at the same time. Do I know that person over there and have I forgotten about him? Is that smart phone really so interesting? They must all think various things like I do. They must all have their own lives. Whenever I start to think like this, my head feels like bursting. "Don't bother yourself with other people," Maria might say, but that's not possible. I don't know how to tell important information apart from superfluous information. I always try to suppress the urge to scream, but I have a limit. Whenever my limit draws near, Maria lets me get off at the next station and rubs my back until I calm down.

Maria always knows what I want even though I can't speak. She's amazing. I'm starting to think that she can read my mind.

Day after day, we practiced going outside. Maria said that it serves as a good stimulus for me. It's true that I've become better at controlling myself. My thoughts have become a bit more organized as well. My memory is also connecting and coming back more frequently.

However, going on regular strolls with me isn't Maria's only goal. She tries to take me somewhere, but we always had to turn back partway because of my limitations.

Finally, one day Maria said:

"We're there!"

It's a hospital. I also regularly go to a hospital, but this one's much bigger than that one. Maria takes out her smart phone and calls someone. After a while, a woman with long hair appears.

"Kazu-kun!" she says while beaming at me.

Apparently, we should know each other … Hm? I think I know her well. She looks much skinnier than I remember, but her double-edged eyelids make it obvious.

It's Kokone Kirino.

The moment I remember her name, a sharp pain pierces me. I must have done something terrible to her.

"Looks like he recognized you. He seems to be sorry," Maria says.

"Really? I'm surprised that you can tell when his expression has barely changed."

"I can read most of his thoughts," Maria says as she slaps me on the back. "No need to be scared, Kazuki. You've already seen her at home a few times because she came to visit you. Speaking of which, you haven't come over to our place in a while, have you, Kirino?"

Now that Maria mentions it—a person who looked like Kokone came to visit me when I hadn't regained full consciousness yet. I might have also seen her once or twice after regaining my consciousness. Okay, I see my memory isn't back to normal yet.

Kokone bends her knees a bit and looks up at me.

"Hey there. No need to feel sorry, Kazu-kun. I'm actually grateful to you."

Grateful? Even though I did something horrible?

I'm utterly confused. Kokone grabs me by the wrist and starts to walk. She turns her head toward me a few times, but there's always a bright smile on her face.

"She's delighted that you made it here. She's rooting for you, Kazuki. Besides—" Maria says as she look up at the window of a certain hospital room. "There's someone you can only meet here."

Kokone then says:

"Kazu-kun, go see Daiya!"

I don't know the person who's sitting on the bed, but Kokone introduced him as "Daiya Oomine."

I remember a person by this name who is smart, silver-haired and has piercings. But this person is different. He has black hair and doesn't have any piercings. But the difference is much deeper.

For a moment, I doubted that he was really a "person". I don't know any "persons" who are so silent. But even though he's as quiet as a plant, the raw power to live seems much stronger in him than in anyone else I know. I can't for the life of me remember ever being friends with someone like this.

He slowly moves his head.

"…"

His voice is so weak that I can't understand anything. I'm still afraid of this stranger. Maria gives me a gentle push on the back and has me put my ear to his mouth.

"…Long time no see, Kazu," he says in an old man's feeble voice.

I feel a slight stirring of emotion, but I still can't match "Daiya Oomine" and this person in my mind.

"I'm sorry, but he doesn't recognize you, Oomine."

"I see. We don't have it easy, Kazu and I, do we? To be honest, I'm quite shocked to see what has become of him, despite your warning. It's as if he's been reborn as a completely different person."

"That comparison is not accurate," Maria counters. "Kazuki will return to normal. He will regain his everyday life."

"I see … You're right…"

The stranger's expression only changes a little. Maybe he still has a hard time moving his muscles.

"In that case, I'm not gonna lose to him. I'll make sure to walk to the hall on my own two feet for your wedding ceremony."

With these words, he holds out his skinny, shaky, unhealthy-looking hand. I instinctively hold mine out too.

Suddenly, the scar on my right hand catches my attention.

"—Ah."

All of a sudden I find myself overwhelmed by emotion. An image bursts into my head; I see myself looking down upon Daiya, obstinately treading on him to the point where he can't stand up anymore. I don't need to fully remember what happened to know what I did.

—I'm the one who made him this way.

"Ah … AAAAAAAAAAH…!" I start wailing loudly. I can't stop myself even if I know there's no point in doing this. As I keep crying, I fall down on my knees and start rubbing my head against the floor.

"…Otonashi. Does this happen regularly?" he asks as he gazes at me in confusion.

"No … It's the first time that he's shown this reaction."

I can't be forgiven. I ruined this person's life for my selfish desires. No, not only his life. I sacrificed a whole lot of people. As proof of that, I remember slaughtering countless people. I remember becoming all alone as a consequence.

I did all that just out of desire to be together with the one I love.

Aah … I'm the worst sinner under the sun.

"It seems like Kazuki's behaving like this because he's blaming himself."

"I see…" the stranger mutters and grabs the handrails of his bed. He grits his teeth as he channels force into his arms. "You had your own unshakable beliefs. Selfish beliefs, no doubt, so I can understand that you would want to blame yourself for adhering to them. But in retrospect, your beliefs benefitted us all. I don't think that's a coincidence. At their core, your beliefs were of a positive nature."

With these words, he stands up. Though very unsteady, he is standing on his own feet.

"D-Daiya … has stood up…?" Kokone remarks as she gets teary-eyed.

Daiya gives her a brief smile and then lays his hand on my head.

"As you see, I can stand up. I will stand up again and again. That's all thanks to you, Kazu. I already forgave you a long time ago."

"Same here," Kokone adds while wiping away her tears.

Forgiven?

They have forgiven me?

Am I really allowed to just believe that? Is it really OK to spoil me like this?

When I raise my head, he holds out his hand again.

His hand is just as skinny as before and still shaky, but I can clearly see the strength of his will glinting in his eyes.

I hesitantly shake his hand with mine. It's the hand of the Daiya Oomine I know.

At last, I was able to connect this person and Daiya Oomine.

Aah—

He's Daiya.

Daiya has forgiven me.

After that day, my thoughts have become much more organized—most of the fog that had muddled my mind has been lifted. I'm also starting to learn how to filter external information and I have grown accustomed to the overwhelmingly wide range of colors in the world. I can even leave the house alone if I pluck up some courage.

I also met a lot of other people. For instance, I visited Kasumi Mogi at a large facility, called a rehabilitation center, where there were lots of people in wheelchairs. She was happy to tell me everything about her current life, although the only thing I remembered about her was that she had been one of my classmates. However, when I got a bit flustered because of her cute smile, Maria smacked me on the head even though she's usually so gentle with me. We also went to a renowned university to see Haruaki Usui. He seemed much more determined than I remembered, which confused me a little. He was excited about his upcoming first official baseball match. I met Yuuri Yanagi in a café near the University of Tokyo. She was emitting more pheromones than ever before and had a few unfamiliar men in tow. Much to Maria's chagrin, Yuuri-san insisted on taking all kinds of photos of Maria, saying that she was a great subject for photos. At a park near my home, I met Nana Yanagi and Touji Kijima, whom I had known since middle school. Yanagi-san was happy about my progress and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Maria smacked me on the head again even though I hadn't done anything bad.

I was warmly accepted by all of them. Why? Didn't I do horrible things to them? How can they be so kind to me? To someone who can't even speak?

But there's something I realized from meeting them: they're essential if I'm to return to normal. They are the keys to the fragments of my shuffled memory. By talking with them, I can slowly but surely piece those fragments together and remember the kind of everyday life I used to live.

Whenever my memory gets reinforced, I regain a part of my former self.

However, even though I'm far less confused now, I still haven't regained the ability to speak. There must be something else that keeps me from talking.

I'm probably just afraid. I'm afraid of actively taking part in communicating with others. I once secluded myself from everyone because I thought that that was the only thing I could do. I still can't shake off the notion that I deserve solitude.

Daiya may have forgiven me, but my sins are grave. I can't help but think that I should lock myself into my own little cage.

Ah, but the only thing that I can't seem to endure is being separated from Maria. I'm sure the she feels the same way about me.

Maria's graduation ceremony is happening today

I'm preparing a meal for her. I've settled on some fried chicken, which is one of her favorites, and an avocado salad. Of course, I also made sure to buy a strawberry tart because she can't get enough of them. When I initially regained my consciousness, I was extremely afraid of knives and fire, but those fears have faded. My sense of taste still favors sweet things, but because the other members of my family don't seem to like it when everything is sweet, I've started to properly season my dishes. I've been getting good responses lately.

Maria originally planned to get a job after graduating from high school, but my parents strongly encouraged her to go to college, so she changed her mind. Maria did not usually modify her decisions once she made up her mind, so she must have either had doubts about her original decision anyway, or simply didn't want to disregard the opinion of the people who were providing for her. Or maybe it was both factors? In the end, she passed the entrance exam and will join Iroha-san's faculty starting this spring.

I've settled down quite a bit. Perhaps, my life will go on just like this.

However—

It happened while I was dipping the chicken thighs into the oil.

"—Ah."

All of a sudden, the world gets veiled by fog.

I abruptly lose my connection to the rest of the world and find myself in complete seclusion. Everything becomes irrelevant. Nothing has meaning anymore. Nothing is of import. My memory disperses in all directions and my thoughts lose focus. I'm disappearing, disappearing disappearing disappearing───

(Ah, I've returned to my consciousless state.)

There are no colors, no words, no background. It's a world more vague than a dream. I feel like I'm shackled and sinking into a bottomless swamp. I can't breathe. Aah … I was never supposed to escape from this swamp; I was supposed to drown here. I struggle to return to the surface, but my body won't move. I don't even know where up and down are. I just keep sinking deeper into nothingness where even the word "despair" doesn't exist.

But back then, she would never give up and kept talking to me. She would keep calling my name. "Kazuki", "Kazuki", "Kazuki", with all kinds of expressions on her face. "Kazuki", "Kazuki", "Kazuki", "Kazuki", "Kazuki", in all kinds of voices. "Kazuki", "Kazuki", "Kazuki", "Kazuki", "Kazuki", "Kazuki", "Kazuki", "Kazuki", "Kazuki", but always with love and hope.

That's why I'm able to return.

"Kazuki!"

Suddenly, the fog is dispelled and I instantly return to the kitchen. Maria's worried face is right beside me. She has tossed her pink flower bouquet on the table and is still holding the tube containing her diploma.

As I regain my consciousness, I swiftly switch off the burner where I've placed the frying pan.

"A-Are you okay, Kazuki?"

I look into her eyes and say with a nod, "I'm okay."

It seems like there's still "emptiness" deeply nested within me. I might be assaulted at any time when the nearly endless time materializes and tries to crush me under its weight—a weight that I can't possibly resist. The madness called "emptiness" is always lying in ambush to take me back into the void.

But I'm not afraid.

I know that whenever that happens, Maria will call me back.

Maria, my only desire is to be with you for all eternity.

What can I do to achieve this? How can I communicate my boundless feelings to you?

Ah, but I think I know how to convey them using a single word; I just have to do the same thing you did to call me back.

I open my mouth to say the word I hold dearest.

"Maria"

It's been so long that I can't tell if I pronounced it correctly, but I know that she understood.

After all, Maria is crying ever so happily.

+++ Maria Hoshino (18), September 8th +++

I've grown my hair back to its former length for this day. It's tied up and hidden beneath my veil.

I used to slightly resemble her when I had long hair, but now that I'm 18, that's no longer the case. The resemblance has disappeared entirely.

If I'm honest, that's a bit unsettling. But whenever I feel anxious, he says the word that makes me take heart.

"Let's go, Maria."

The doors to the rooftop chapel open to the smiles of our dear friends amidst dazzling lights against a blue background.

As I stand beside him in my pure white dress, he takes my hand and looks straight ahead.

We wish for no less than eternity, but this holy vow is just another step into our future.

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