Published at 26th of March 2019 12:07 am

Volume 7, Part 10

+++ Kasumi Mogi (19), April 10th +++

My first love probably ended the moment she showed up.

Not once have I thought about giving up, but … ah, sheesh! I know that there is something powerful between her and Hoshino-kun! I've been in love with him long enough to tell.

The sun is shining and the vivid pink of their blossoms is making the sakura trees stand out. Just like every other day, I'm practicing at the archery range that's buried somewhere in this vast rehabilitation center.

My arms have grown quite trained compared to their state before my accident, but I still have trouble just drawing my bow. Since I can barely shoot an arrow in a straight line, let alone aim, I naturally miss my mark.

I let out a faint sigh. As someone who's never been good at sports, I don't think I'm cut out for archery. It's unlikely that I'll make it to the Paralympic Games anytime soon … although saying so to my physical therapist, Ryouko-sensei, would probably make her cross. "Takanashi-san got a gold medal and he was worse than you in the beginning!" or "Gotou-san won the wheelchair tennis tournament after recovering from attempted suicide." I'm so sick of her stories … Take heart, young girl! Honest effort will make your dreams come true! Don't give up, give it your all! Sheesh, she's just way too hot-blooded! And strict. She ought to be softer on a handicapped girl like me.

I'm not given any special treatment at this giant hospital. There are plenty of other patients in wheelchairs. In fact, Ryouko-sensei actually seems to envy me for my youth instead of pitying me. I think she might be a bit strange in the head.

"Kasumi-chaaan!"

I raise my head and notice Ishizaki-san, a tennis player, happily waving at me.

I wave back with a slightly wry smile. Usually, I'm trying to avoid making this kind of expression, but my attempts haven't borne fruit so far. I wonder how I should deal with someone who confessed his love to me…?

In order to stop thinking about all this random stuff, I draw my bow again.

Right after my accident, I used to think that the odds were against my finding a partner who would accept me like this. I daresay anyone in a similar situation would think the same thing. But here, at this hospital? I don't mean to brag, but the guys here love me. If it were just other handicapped guys, that would be one thing, but even guys in perfect health are making passes at me—much more frequently than when I was healthy and still in school.

I used to wonder why people would approach such a (physically) bothersome girl like me, but I'm starting to understand their rationale. A lot of people want to be relied upon, so marrying someone like me would basically guarantee a life worth living for that kind of guy. Their interest in me mostly comes from the fact that I would surely have to depend on them.

Maybe I should just accept the people with those weird tastes? To be entirely honest, though, I'm still unable to take their goodwill at face value; I can't help but get the impression that they're only really interested in my disability, and not in me as a person. They seem to be under the (false) impression that my disability gives me some sort of beauty that can't be attained by a regular girl. Or maybe they just want to go out with someone who's weak and has to obey them? I guess I must have a bad personality to have such negative thoughts.

But there's just that thought that I can't shake off.

—Hoshino-kun would treat me the same whether my legs were paralyzed or not.

But there's just that thought that I can't shake off.

—Hoshino-kun would treat me the same whether my legs were paralyzed or not.

When that thought crossed my mind, the arrow really went off the reservation.

There were some awful incidents that occurred involving us—much more severe than my accident—but for some reason I don't remember the details. They were mysterious and even absurd.

I do remember them, although only in a fragmented way: the confinement within another world that ended with a clear rejection from Hoshino-kun; the incident caused by Miyazaki-kun; the mysterious death of Koudai Kamiuchi; the Dog Human phenomenon that Oomine-kun caused; and—Hoshino-kun's losing himself.

But important things are missing from my memory. My memory feels like a ripped up piece of celluloid. These incidents are supposed to be linked in some way, but I can't seem to remember how. It's like the truth behind these incidents was obscured by some higher power.

There are other things that bother me; for instance, there's something about Nana Yanagi and Touji Kijima, who entered high school together with Hoshino-kun and were his friends. We got along well, but for no particular reason, it strikes me as odd how naturally they blended in at school. I do remember how we became friends. I also remember how I was annoyed by Nana-san because she always made passes at Hoshino-kun even though she had a boyfriend. But for some reason, these memories feel unreal and stand out—as if they had been made up afterward to fill in the gaps.

I think that I—no, we have forgotten something crucial.

Whatever that is, the consequences that matter for me are clear as day:

Hoshino-kun disappeared from the classroom I wanted to return to one day.

My doctor has always strongly encouraged me to move to a larger, better-equipped rehabilitation hospital. I only refused his suggestion and stayed at the my current hospital because I wanted to return to school and see Hoshino-kun. However, since he was no longer there, my motive was also gone.

As a result, I left my home town.

That being said, there was still a matter that had to be settled.

The day after it was decided that I would move to a rehabilitation center, I called Otonashi-san to the hospital. After getting permission from my nurse, I met her in private on the rooftop. I didn't want to talk with her in my hospital room because I knew that I wouldn't be able to control myself.

As the cold breezes of autumn chilled me to the bone, I gazed at Maria Otonashi who, set in front of the breathtaking autumn colors of the distant mountains, looked almost like an oil painting. Well, she would make for a stunning painting even without the background.

She had cut her hair to shoulder length and lost some of her former mysterious atmosphere, and become slightly more approachable. But I'm pretty sure that wasn't just due to her haircut.

Gazing at the beautiful girl in front of me, I thought, I'll never get to like her.

I was fairly sure that Hoshino-kun and I would have become a couple if not for her. She was also to blame for what had become of him. Conversely, if I had been able to properly integrate myself back into his everyday life, Otonashi-san would have stayed away, and Hoshino-kun would still be the same.

I was sure that there would have been a future in which I called him tenderly by his name, "Kazuki-kun."

It was all her fault.

Maria Otonashi was the one who brought chaos in our lives.

"I'll leave this town and go to a large rehabilitation center."

Because of her, I had to leave Hoshino-kun behind.

After hearing what I said, Otonashi-san bluntly stated, "I see." After a short pause, she added, "I'll make sure to tell Kazuki."

As I heard his name, my feelings immediately exploded. Can you even imagine how I feel, having to tell you that?! I thought to myself, wishing I could hurl my anger, my regrets, and all my other negative emotions at her. I wanted to curse her with words dirtier than any I'd ever used. I wanted to make her apologize for messing up the lives of Hoshino-kun and his friends. I wanted to deal out a resounding slap.

I clenched my fists harder and harder, as if to channel my anger.

At last, I said the words that I had prepared in advance.

"Please take good care of Hoshino-kun."

I bowed deeply before her while biting my lips.

Aah, I don't want to do this. I really don't, I thought, but I had already decided that I would entrust him to this girl even though I hate her.

"I want to support Hoshino-kun … I want to be by his side and support him! But I still have to rely on others myself, and I'm aware of that. I can't do anything on my own. I'm weak … I would only become a burden to him…!"

I couldn't raise my head. I was so mortified, so sad, so unwilling to admit defeat; the tears wouldn't stop.

"I'm sure I would have won him over even with a body like this!" I said.

"Mm."

That was a lie. I knew well enough that there was a special bond between the two of them that I could never tear asunder. Even if I were in perfect health, I wouldn't have had a chance. Otonashi-san was also aware of this and just listened silently as I spit out my silly bluffs.

"I love Hoshino-kun, and I would certainly still feel that way even if he remained unable to speak!"

"Mm."

"This is a once in a lifetime love. It means so much to me!"

"…Mm."

"Hoshino-kun also has feelings for me. Right … I haven't lost! I … haven't lost. Absolutely not!" I said and bit my lips again. "…But … but…!"

Hoshino-kun doesn't need me—

"It's not me!"

He doesn't need me, Kasumi Mogi—he needs Maria Otonashi!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" I cried at the top of my lungs, unable to hold back my pain any longer.

Otonashi-san did not do any unnecessary things like hugging me or wiping away my tears; she just patiently waited for me to calm down.

"Mogi," she said firmly after I stopped crying, "I assure you that Kazuki will regain his normal everyday life."

I turned my teary eyes to Otonashi-san.

"Your feelings for him will without a doubt make a positive difference for Kazuki. They will help him return. It's a future that is bound to come about. So let me say this in advance:"

Maria Otonashi bowed deeply to me.

"Thank you for believing in Kazuki."

Her attitude took the wind out of my sails. In fact, a laugh escaped my lips.

"I can't match you at all, can I?"

Right, I can't keep up with her.

I mean, Otonashi-san believed with all her heart that Kazuki-kun was going to recover despite his current state. I, on the other hand, would love him even if he remained unresponsive. That's truly how I feel, and proof of my weakness.

After all, it means that I've given up on his return.

Maria Otonashi, however, did not have any doubts. She believed in and waited for his return.

That's why she is the one who should be by Hoshino-kun's side.

A load had just been taken off my mind, leaving me with a hard-to-describe sense of freedom. At first I was surprised by how I felt, and then I was disheartened; I hadn't realized it, but the love that had once saved me, had become a burden instead.

"Aah—"

My first love had ended.

—Will I fall in love again?

—Will I ever be relied on by anyone again?

—Will I be able to find a special place for myself?

While I'm mired in melancholy, somebody scatters a handful of sakura blossoms over my head. I turn around in surprise.

"Hey, is our idol doing okay?"

I sigh deeply upon hearing that silly title, and put down my bow.

This sun-tanned woman who doesn't wear any makeup and looks horrible in her white gown, is my physical therapist.

"…Don't call me that, Ryouko-sensei."

Seeing my discontented face, she grins and says, "Sorry, but we can't call you anything else anymore!"

"Why…?"

"Because you just got another interview request! And this time's it's from that super famous TV channel that broadcasts 24/7! Of course, you'll accept, right?"

Her voice is as loud as ever.

"…I don't want to! Please refuse the offer."

"What, again? Hey … wanna hear my private thoughts on this?"

"Go ahead…"

"I think you should take this chance!" she says and holds out a finger. "If you appear on TV, people throughout Japan will be moved by your smile! You have the wonderful gift of not looking pitiful at all despite your situation. You could really change how people view the disabled! If you keep appearing on TV, their acceptance of the disabled will grow rapidly! Peeps from the mass media have a nose for this sort of thing, and they want you. You should totally start to sing, dance, arrange handshake events, and be voted the most popular member of your prospective girl group! That would be a revolution! The patients here and we PT's would love to be more accepted by everyone, and you're the only one who can do this! It's your calling!"

"…I've heard this more than enough," I say as I rebuff her.

"Hm? Come again?"

"I said that I've heard the same thing over and over again. Your private thoughts? Sheesh, there's nothing private about them, is there?"

But Ryouko-sensei really believes in me.

"…But…"

Thank you.

I couldn't express my gratitude out loud.

She's clearly exaggerating; I doubt things would go so smoothly, but to my surprise, it's true that even in my current state, I have the chance to make the world a better place. This gives me hope.

There are a lot of things that I can no longer do. That's just the way it is. But at the same time, there might also be things that only I can do. Not something flashy like becoming an idol, but something small—something modest.

"…I'll give it some thought when I've got some more inner reserves."

But right now, I've still got my hands full coping with my own situation.

"Hmm? Got you interested a little? I'll wait for your answer, then."

"Ugh … no, really, I'm not interested right now…"

I know Ryouko-sensei: If I don't make it absolutely clear that I'm refusing, I'll find myself getting dragged on stage before I know it.

"Seriously, I'm not prepared for it right now!"

"Hm? Not prepared for what, exactly?"

"Well, I mean … if get famous on TV, I'll be bothered with even more admirers and stuff…"

The moment I said that, I realize that I just made a mistake. I glance at Ryouko-sensei and notice that her face is twitching with irritation.

"It pisses me off that you mean it. Just a warning for you, little girl, once you're out of your teens, you won't be so special anymore! Japanese men are all lolicons!"

"Um … I'm sure there are also men who like your type."

"You should get off your high horse when you say things like that and sound more sincere!"

Well … I really doubt that women like her are very…

"Look at those eyes of yours! You're totally thinking something rude! So insolent! Yes, yes, I understand! You want some really harsh rehab training today!"

"Stop! Don't be childish, Ryouko-sensei!"

"Idols don't complain."

"But they do! Their secret Twitter accounts are packed with complaints about their fans!"

"Now that's a very specific example … by the way, you just admitted that you're an idol."

"I didn't!"

Well then. This is roughly what my life is like right now, Hoshino-kun. As you can tell, I'm doing just fine.

I'm sure Otonashi-san is also with you right now. I heard she made quite a stunning announcement during her speech when she became the president of the student council?

On one hand, I'm looking forward to that day, but on the other hand, I'm mostly jealous.

One year to go until the day of Otonashi-san's promise.

Until then, I want to grow up a bit—become independent and strong enough to support someone else. Hopefully, you won't be disappointed by my progress.

This is my modest wish.

+++ Yuuri Yanagi (19), July 6th +++

I need a hobby.

That's the first thing that I thought when I was accepted by the University of Tokyo. Let's join a club, Yuuri! I told myself and went to check out a few. The one that interested me the most was the photography club. There was an adorable picture in the club room that showed a child smiling under the blue sky. It had me thinking that there must be many more beautiful things in the world, and that I wanted to discover them. I wanted to record and preserve the beauty of things that I deemed beautiful.

I had my parents buy me a slightly expensive SLR camera to celebrate my college admission and joined the photography club. It turned out that the club was almost all guys, but everyone was kind to me. I just had to say what kind of photograph I wanted to take, and they would explain the technical details to me in-depth. They would even lend me their expensive lenses when I needed them. For some reason, they always wanted to show me the darkroom even though I had a digital camera, but anyway, I was really welcomed with open arms despite being a beginner.

I also made a slightly embarrassing discovery when I entered university. It seems that girlish, frilly clothing—the style that I'm fond of—is not common among the female students and makes me stand out a little. But I think it's boring when everyone wears the same kind of clothes, and I can't warm up to those brown, soft perm hairdos. I want to keep my long black hair with straight bangs, and I won't stop wearing skirts. I also like my ribbons and lately, I've taken a liking to knee socks.

I'm now known by the following nickname:

"Geek Princess"

"I want to cry."

I'm sitting in a Starbucks near the university, whining to a friend of mine.

"Well … Geek Princess isn't that bad, is it now? I mean, a princess is still a princess."

That old friend of mine is Iroha Shindou. She fails at comforting me and is busy chewing on an ice cube from her iced coffee. She also attends my university.

A faint shadow can be seen in her eyes—she doesn't have that sharp, predatory look anymore. Her mental scars have not completely healed. Even now, one year after that incident, she is still seeing a psychiatrist. She likes to refer to it as "taking a break from life." That being said, I'm quite sure that she would have needed a break sooner or later anyway; it was high time that she slowed down a bit.

That being said, I'm not really worried about her. After all, she's a prodigy who managed to pass the hardest science exam straight out of high school—while on that "break"—and entered the faculty of medicine. She completely wiped the floor with the other students.

"Speaking of which, Yuuri … weren't you with a bunch of guys when we met up earlier?"

"The other members of my club escorted me because it's too dangerous for me to be alone."

"At night, sure, but in broad daylight…? Sigh, you have no right to whine about your nickname, then."

But I didn't ask them to … besides, I've learned that turning them down would only make matters worse…

"That's not it. I'm not whining about being called a Geek Princess~. I was against the name in the beginning, but I've grown used to it."

"So you have other issues?"

"Yep. To tell you the truth, a senior at school confessed his love to me. He's really popular with the other girls in school, you know? But I never really saw him that way…"

"Oh boy! So you had to turn him down, right?" Iroha says. "Well, I can totally see that it'd be hard to say 'no' to someone. So that's why you want to cry?"

"No, I accepted."

"You did what?!" exclaims Iroha as she pounds on the table and stands up.

Urm, Iroha? You're attracting attention. Aren't you over-reacting a bit? It's embarrassing.

"Wait, Iroha, you have to hear me out. Look, I … still can't forget, well, him, even though I want to … so I thought I might be able to move on if I went out with someone else…"

"…Okay, I see," Iroha nods with a sour face. She still hasn't come to terms with Kazuki-san, who cornered her but also made her to return to the proper path.

"But I wasn't able to forget him, and I didn't fall in love with my senior, either. In the end, we split up after just two weeks, so … I'm sorry…."

"Hm … I do know where you're coming from, but that guy sure deserves my compassion. Well, it's still your fault, so I can understand how you'd feel guilty. I'd wanna cry, too, in your place."

"Ah, I'm totally fine with the breakup."

"You're fine?!" Thump! She pounds on the table again.

You're embarrassing me … the baristas are watching.

"The story doesn't end here. One of the only other girls in the club had a crush on that boy and started to avoid me … I can really get that. I don't think she was happy when I snatched away her crush only to dump him a few days later."

"Weeell … that figures."

"But then again, she's one of my few fellow girls in the club, you know? So I tried to make it up to her somehow."

"How so?"

"I thought she might forgive me if she got a boyfriend herself, and I knew of another guy she was interested in. I thought that everything would turn out fine if I hooked them up, so I tried putting them in contact with each other."

"Uh-huh … I'm not a fan of this sort of thing, but I guess that's a reasonable solution," Iroha comments.

"Yes. So I tried getting them into situations where they could talk in private, setting them up on dates, and so on. The girl noticed what I was up to and slowly started to forgive me, but then…"

"Trouble?"

"Yes. Um … the guy got angry with me. 'Is this some bad joke? Why are you trying to hook me up with her?' he yelled at me. I was really scared…"

"Why would he get angry with you?"

"Apparently, he was in love with me…"

"You're a monster! Well … I guess you didn't know, so nobody's at fault here."

"Oh, I knew about his feelings for me."

"You fucking knew?!" Thump! She pounds on the table again.

Even the customers on the terrace have started watching us…!

"No, I mean … I'm sorry. But hey, I had just ended a relationship myself, you know? I had other things to worry about. Ah, but how could he have known about my situation, right? …I'm horrible…"

"Hm … your behavior wasn't entirely inappropriate if you didn't even think about responding to him, I suppose? No … but you're definitely at fault here, Yuuri."

"Yes … I know. Anyway, that person then immediately asked me to go out with him. I tried to calm him down and explain to him that I didn't want to, but … he's the obstinate kind of person who always gets what he wants … so he gradually lost his patience when I kept turning him down, until, one day—"

"O-One day…?"

"He attacked me."

Iroha's eyes widen in shock. "He attacked you…? I mean, literally?"

"Yes … Ah! Don't worry! I cried for help and got away unharmed! Your Yuuri's still pure!"

"Well, setting aside the question whether or not you're pure, Yuuri…" That's mean! I'm still 100% virgin! "You reap what you sow, but nobody deserves that, of course. Yeah, you've got my sympathy. You may cry."

"No, that's not it…"

"That's not it, either?! Come on, cry already! You deserve it!"

Why?!

"Please, hear me out! So, the professor who atta—"

"PROFESSOR!" Iroha yells with another thump on the table and stands up. "Professor! Hey, you skipped that part! A professor! A freaking professor…!" She continues pounding on the table.

"I-Iroha! Stop making such a fuss…!"

All people in here are watching us … I'm so embarrassed…

"Umm … look, I'm sure you've read our bulletin boards, right?" I explain. "There was a notice about a disciplinary action taken against a professor. There were also news reports on the incident!"

"That was your doing?!"

"I-I'm not at fault! I'm the victim!"

"Well, that's true, but…" With a deep sigh Iroha sits down again and starts sipping on her now-watery iced coffee. "And?"

Oh, she looks really tired.

"So the incident got quite famous because a professor was involved, right? Of course, rumors started floating around that I was a slut who seduced a professor, or that I was a bitch who's taking advantage of the guys in her club. It's horrible, Iroha! Those are groundless accusations!"

"I wouldn't call them 'groundless,' though."

"Y-Yes, they are. Anyway … the atmosphere in the club is still strained and that girl I mentioned left because she hates me … but even when I tried to take responsibility and leave the club, the other members held me back. I'm at my wit's end…"

"You're not a Geek Princess—you're just a club destroyer," she says as she coldly dismisses "But I got it now. Anyone would want to cry in your shoes."

"…"

"Yuuri…?"

"…Don't think ill of me, okay?"

"Sorry, but I think I've heard enough today to think very ill of you."

"No way!"

"It's entirely justified! Sigh … so? In the end, what was it that makes you wanna cry?"

"Well … as you can tell, I've acquired a lot of influence. There are several students who I could not only drive out of their clubs, but even out of school entirely."

"What of it…?"

I pluck up my courage and say it:

"It feels great."

"Huh?"

"This feeling of having total control over other people's lives feels great. A few lies here, a few sweet words there, and I can easily crush the elite who made it to such a renowned university. Just thinking about what would happen if I actually did it gets me all excited and tingly."

I hold my head.

"My personality makes me want to cry!"

Iroha throws her cup at me. I deserved it, didn't I? Tee-hee!

After saying goodbye to Iroha, I take my SLR camera and visit a spacious park to take some photos of the setting sun. A strong summery smell of grass fills the area and the cries of the cicadas seem to be shaking the air.

My horizons have expanded greatly since high school; I've started going to college, living on my own and even got myself a moped.

I'm slowly starting to understand myself better.

Back in high school, I aimed for the top without any specific goals in mind, but there were always students that outperformed me. I sensed an insurmountable barrier between us that left me in despair. I was horribly jealous of and felt inferior to Iroha, the prime example of a student who I couldn't match.

Iroha is a born revolutionary; she is never satisfied with the status quo. She is always trying to push herself and the world further. The unusual reason for her entrance into the Faculty of Medicine of the University of Tokyo is that she wants to begin by changing the world via medicine. She does possess the intelligence and skill required to earnestly pursue her goals.

Today, I understand that there was no way I could have beaten someone as driven as Iroha through aimless studying. Iroha has settled down a bit because of the setback she suffered, but once she's done with her break, she will definitely continue to work toward revolutionizing the world.

There's a fundamental difference between me and Iroha. I can't become like her, nor do I want to. I don't care as much about the world. I'm happy if my family and I can have a good life. Because of this, I will never hold a candle to Iroha.

That being said, I've come to terms with it.

Iroha and I have different desires. Now that she promoted (demoted?) me to a "club destroyer," I discovered my true desire.

I want to manipulate others. I want to control them like puppets.

Why, yes, it's a twisted desire. At the very least, I can't call it beautiful. But it seems like I'm rather skilled at controlling others, and I can use this skill to be of use to society.

There is a certain PR company that once employed a radical strategy with 10 principles.

Manipulate people to consume more Manipulate people to discard more readily Manipulate people to waste money Manipulate people to disregard seasonality Manipulate people to buy more presents Manipulate people to buy products in bundles Manipulate people to seize every opportunity to buy Manipulate people to chase after trends Manipulate people to readily buy products Manipulate people to be in constant turmoil

When I read that list, I thought, this is it.

It means that I can boost the economy and help society if I make full use of my abilities and give full scope to my desires. There is a place for people like me.

I'm an agitator to the core. I want to watch the brainless masses dance to my tune.

My life has become a lot easier after discovering my path. I know where I have to go and don't have to waste any time and energy. I have also started to work toward finding a job in a PR company or in the mass media.

If I succeed as an agitator, I might even be able to tag along with Iroha's revolution. Should that ever happen, we will finally be on an equal footing and I could take part in changing the world. I would certainly have no inferiority complex with respect to her anymore.

However—

"I don't need to become that successful."

I'm content if I'm able to drive just one person to love me, and then build a happy family. That's all I want.

"Kazuki-san…"

That person won't be my first love, though.

"Hah…"

A smile escapes my lips as I sigh.

Kazuki-san belongs to Maria Otonashi and her alone, but for some reason, I feel that it's also better that way. I have the hunch that my feelings for him were not meant to be requited.

I couldn't help laughing when I heard about the announcement Otonashi-san made after Iroha and I had graduated. Kazuki-san, you hooked yourself quite a big fish! My sympathies!

But I'm sure you need her power right now.

"Ah."

The setting sun is starting to dye the sky a nice color. Those reflections in the water are exactly what I was looking for. I decide to focus on a couple that are rowing a boat and take a photo. After a few shots from different angles and with different exposure times, I eventually manage to take a good one.

"Mm!"

Even I can take beautiful photographs, and I will be able to take many more.

There's still just over two years until the day of Otonashi-san's promise.

I want to get a bit closer to my dream before then. I want to become confident in myself.

…If possible, I'd also like to find myself someone who's even more handsome than you, Kazuki-san!

Yes, that would be my wish.

+++ Haruaki Usui (19), August 14th +++

Until that turning point, my heart was veiled in complete darkness.

My decision to give up my dream of becoming a professional baseball player in favor of going to the same high school as Daiya Oomine and Kokone Kirino resulted in the worst outcome possible. Daiyan got above himself and was stabbed, Kiri suffered a horrible shock that she's unlikely to ever get over, and Hoshii can't even talk anymore. I've lost all of my best friends.

My everyday life had been completely devastated.

During those days, I became completely withdrawn. I saw everything through a horrible fog and nothing seemed meaningful. I somehow managed to force myself to attend my classes, but there was hardly any point in doing so; all I did was keep moving like a brainless bug. There were times when I would go home without saying a single word all day.

Time passed like this and Iroha Shindou's class graduated, Kiri quit school, Hoshii's parents registered him as absent for an indefinite period of time, and Kasumi moved away. By the time I was a third-year student, I was all alone. My memory of that time is rather vague.

However, the darkness that smothered me was cleared away by Maria Otonashi's words.

On July 15th, Maria Otonashi was elected student council president. I had become a third-year student and 9 months had passed since everyone went away.

There was an assembly for all the students in the gym—the student council was passing the torch to the next generation. In distinct contrast to any other assembly, the students were waiting for the ceremony to start with bated breath, their gazes fixed on the stage.

Of course they weren't looking at the unremarkable, outgoing president. Their full attention was directed at the new president, Maria Otonashi.

She had visited me in my classroom from time to time to see how I was doing, but I always ignored her. I knew that she wasn't at fault, but I still could not bring myself to get on friendly terms with her again.

I must have subconsciously felt that she, the outsider, was the one who had wreaked havoc on our lives.

The Maria Otonashi that I saw standing on the platform had lost much of her former mystique. Her charisma, on the other hand, was clearly untouched: she had won the election in a landslide, which was part of the reason she was in the spotlight. On top of that, nobody had forgotten how she parted the masses like Moses parted the Red Sea and marched up to Hoshii during the entrance ceremony.

The situation was similar, so everyone was secretly expecting something unusual to happen.

Maria Otonashi started her inaugural speech by speaking in a clear and distinct manner. She managed to reach the hearts of her audience.

For quite some time a strange air of anxiety had been gripping the entire school; a queer air of anxiety which everyone seemed to be aware of. Various bizarre incidents certainly played a role in this (like the murder incident or the emergence of Dog Humans), but we also couldn't shake off the feeling that something far graver had directly affected us—because there was something amiss with our memories.

We had been placed under and then released from someone's control.

It's hard to explain because there was no concrete reason for this feeling, but it kept following us like a curse. Everyone could sense the oppressive, strained air that filled the school. There was a silent agreement to never speak of it; the mere mention of the subject was a taboo because nobody wanted to talk about it.

However, Maria Otonashi shattered that silence in her speech. She described the feeling clearly and directly while explaining it to us, and even proposed a few different methods for getting rid of it. Her speech managed to be both practical and theoretical.

It was exactly what the students had longed for. They listened carefully to her speech with bated breath and made sure not to miss a single word.

Wow, she's one impressive girl, I said to myself. But that won't bring my friends back, I then thought. Therefore, her brilliant speech didn't leave a lasting impression on me.

"—I will do my best to make sure that the students of this school can once again enjoy a fruitful school life. I'm Maria Otonashi, the new president of the student council."

The audience started to applaud, thinking that the speech was over, but she lifted her hand and signaled for them to hold off.

"Lastly, I'd like to make an announcement."

With an abrupt change of tone and expression, she continued:

"Kazuki Hoshino and I will get married when he has reached the age of 20."

"…What?" I uttered, confused by her sudden and seemingly random remark.

Everyone present, including the teachers, was completely baffled.

"We will get married and become happy. Happier than anyone else."

However, in contrast to her words, she was crying.

Almost everyone knew about Hoshii's current state. It was also well known that Maria Otonashi was his girlfriend and cared for him every day.

"It's all for the sake of my own happiness!"

Had she been moved to tears? No. Her announcement was in no way selfish, as one could easily recognize by looking at her pained expression.

In that case—

My gut feeling told me what it was.

It was—an apology to all of us.

For some reason, Maria Otonashi felt responsible for the strange atmosphere permeating the school. She was desperately apologizing to us. She was desperately trying to atone for her sins.

Hoshii must have been the one who had suffered the most because of that strange atmosphere, and therefore his everyday life was the most difficult to restore. In order to get married and become happy, it was a natural requirement for him to return to normal first.

In other words, Maria Otonashi had just announced that she would fight to restore even the most damaged everyday life.

If she succeeded, she would also release us from this disturbing feeling.

She had deemed this to be the best way for her to atone. That's why she would succeed no matter what.

I'm sure the majority of the audience wasn't able to grasp the more nuanced elements of her announcement, but looking at her face and hearing her voice was enough to convey the true message—which was not selfish at all.

—Our everyday lives will return.

With tightly clenched fists and tears in her eyes, Maria Otonashi bowed deeply before everyone, and the audience broke into rapturous applause.

That was the turning point for me.

As the applause continued, the veil that had covered me was lifted in an instant. My chest warmed up and this warmth set my frozen heart back into motion.

Thump! Thump! I hadn't heard my heartbeat so clearly in a long time.

Ah, I see…

I, too, wanted to be forgiven. All this time I'd been unable to forgive myself for failing my friends in their hour of need. That was the most prominent reason for the dark veil over my heart.

I realized that I also had to find a way to atone—that I wouldn't be able to move on until I forgave myself.

I was determined to discover how to atone properly.

Maria Otonashi may have dealt with the oppressive atmosphere at school, but none of my friends came back while I was in high school. But while I was still alone, I stopped spending all my time like a zombie.

Striving to atone, I put the utmost effort into everything I did. I wanted to make the best of my remaining time, even if nothing came of it. As a by-product of my new resolve and as the ace of our team, I drove our second-tier baseball team to runner-up status at the local baseball tournament that summer.

After graduating from high school, I entered university. I chose Waseda University; my grades were not even close to good enough, but I miraculously received a recommendation from their baseball team, most likely because of my performance at the summer tournament.

But while I was ultimately accepted, I'm clearly one of the inferior members of the baseball team. The other members, who have trained and built up their bodies at the powerhouse high schools, easily surpass me in raw power. As a result, I cannot even properly keep up with practices. I'm so bad, actually, that our supervisor subtly suggested that I become the manager of our team. Judging by skill alone, I might end my four years here without playing in an official match even once.

But I'm fine with that. I'm going to devote my four years at university to baseball, even if I'm not successful.

"Usui! Use your damn lower body when you're throwing!" our coach, Miyashiro, suddenly yells while I'm practicing in the bullpen. He's the kind of guy you'd expect to find at a horse race, not in a ballpark, so you wouldn't recognize him as a coach if not for his uniform. He's the only one here who has some positive expectations of me.

"…Coach, may I ask you a question?"

"Yeah? What is it?"

"Why did you nominate me for a recommendation? I mean, there were plenty of better players for you to choose from."

"Who told you I nominated you? Well, it doesn't matter. Why did I pick you, you ask? I'm not gonna tell you if you just want some solace for your sh*tty playing!" he replies.

"No, I just want to know what you think my strengths are. If possible, I'd like to work on improving them."

"Mhm … Well, guess it's okay then," he says as he scratches his head. "Well, your throws are pretty good for a guy with your wimpy build. I'm gonna say that you've got some potential there."

"But because of my wimpy build, I have trouble keeping up during practices."

"Quite big on the self-critique, eh? But you don't look depressed at all. Hmph … that's the other reason. Your eyes."

"My eyes? Because they're brimming with enthusiasm?"

"Dead wrong. Even if that was it, you can find players with enthusiasm under every rock. Actually, I can't see a trace of ambition in your eyes, even though that's something almost every professional oughta have. Heck, you don't even look like you're dead set on baseball. You're sh*t."

"Sh*t…?"

"But," he adds while scratching his beard stubble, "you have the eyes of someone who knows despair."

I turn silent.

"That keeps you from losing heart with every last setback, and you don't get antsy during tournaments. It actually showed during the selection process, remember? There were better players all around you, but you didn't give a sh*t."

It's true that I no longer pay attention to other people's skills. It doesn't matter; at the end of the day, you can only do your best.

"I know a guy with similar eyes. He was a pitcher but had to quit because he screwed up his shoulder in a match at Koushien Stadium[1]. He broke down so bad that I was scared he'd commit suicide at any moment, so I persuaded him to join our baseball team here. That guy, he'd practice everyday to the point of passing out, but once he was batting in a match, I swear he'd hit those balls like a madman. His swings were so mighty strong that I once asked him about his secret. Whaddya think he said?"

Coach Miyashiro grins.

"'Because I won't die if I miss.'"

He sighs deeply.

"How do you feel about that? I honestly don't get it, but my gut feeling tells me that you've got a hunch, no?"

"…How is that person doing now?"

"Lemme think, how many hundreds of millions of yen a year was it again?"

I see. He has a high opinion of me because he recognizes that player in me, not because of my own skill. But I won't lose heart because of that.

I squat down and pick up my ball.

"That player simply had talent," I remark.

"I guess so. 'Thought you might also prove capable, that's all there is to it. Dunno if you've actually got any talent. You disappointed?"

I lay my gloved fingers on the seams of the ball.

"Coach … There's one guy that I couldn't match my entire life."

"Hm? He must be quite a beast if you say that. I mean, you don't even think of yourself as inferior to Yoshino, do you?"

Yoshino is a pitcher who rejected becoming a professional to join our club and play university baseball.

"A professional? What's his name?"

I answer:

"Daiya Oomine."

"…Never heard of that guy."

"That doesn't surprise me. But he's always been my model."

After calming down my breathing, I wind up my arm and stomp down with my left leg. A strong impulse shoots through my body, straight up to the fingertips of my right hand. My muscles vibrate as my body takes care of the rest; my arm makes a powerful downward swing.

A swift sound echoes through the bullpen as my pitch cuts through the air.

"Oh, way to give your pitch some spin! Now we're talking!"

Ever since Maria Otonashi's announcement, I've been giving it my all. I've kept running straight ahead without even knowing where I was headed.

I've started seeing results. I'm finally starting to understand what I was lacking.

Why was I unable to be of any help?

—Because I lacked the "determination."

I always watched from the outside and avoided becoming directly involved. I also avoided meddling too deeply in Daiyan and Kiri's affairs. I believed that that was the right distance to maintain to avoid hurting anyone. I was under the impression that I might destroy everything if I didn't keep a certain distance.

Well, it's entirely possible that my concerns were well-founded, but it didn't matter! I might just as well have destroyed everything!

I might just as well have taken Kokone Kirino from Daiya Oomine.

You can't cause a change without some courage and determination. Failing to realize this when it counted is my failure.

Daiya Oomine—he always had that determination. I can't say he was correct in disregarding his own happiness, but he had the determination to follow through on his decisions. There is a lot that I can learn from him.

Ever since we first met, I haven't been able to surpass him.

"Because I won't die if I miss."

I can totally understand the words of that slugger. We won't die just because our dreams and efforts prove futile, nor do we need to despair. We both faced much greater despair, so we aren't afraid of the obstacles that lie before us. We can easily bet on a coin flip while others are too frightened to even pick heads or tails.

Daiyan. I finally found out how I can equal you. But unlike you, I won't sacrifice myself. I'll find my own kind of determination.

Only when I've found the answer to that question will I be able to forgive myself for my inaction.

There's a little more than one year left until Maria Otonashi's promised day.

Until then I will definitely find my own kind of determination. That moment will be the point at which my wish comes true.

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