Published at 26th of March 2019 12:07 am

Volume 7, Part 5

30,333rd time

"I love you, Kazu-kun."

"I love you, too, Mogi-san!"

"Let's be together forever!"

"Absolutely!"

32,875th time

"I love you, Kazu-kun."

"I love you, too, Mogi-san!"

"Let's be together forever!"

"Absolutely!"

35,890th time

"I love you, Kazu-kun."

"I love you, too, Mogi-san!"

"Let's be together forever!"

"Absolutely!"

37,227th time

"I love you, Kazu-kun."

"I love you, too, Mogi-san!"

"Let's be together forever!"

"Absolutely!"

"…Huh?"

I wonder why that is? Even though I'm supposed to be jumping with joy right now, her love doesn't mean a lot to me.

40,301st time

"I love you, Kazu-kun."

I also love her, but I've already noticed the truth.

"…Please wait until tomorrow."

I noticed that this is a repeating world and that I have the mission of making her, whose name I've forgotten, part of my everyday life. It's my ultimate purpose even if I don't know her name.

Therefore, I cannot answer Mogi-san's feelings no matter how badly I want to.

I run away from the school yard and go to the rooftop. I've come here because I came up with the idea of retaining my memory by jumping off the school building.

It borders on a miracle that I discovered that the same day is repeating. I must not allow this opportunity to slip away. Perhaps I have been repeating this day for over 10,000 times already and just didn't notice.

It's not like I'm unafraid of killing myself—it's downright strange to contemplate suicide—but my will won't bend because of something like this.

I jump into the sky, illuminated by the setting sun.

Splash.

With the sound of my skull splitting open and its contents getting crushed, my consciousness—

40,302nd time

—gets transferred over.

Unable to absorb the shock, I throw up in the classroom.

While getting queer looks from my confused classmates, I dash out of the classroom. I must find clues related to her. For some reason, I still remember the places we've been together, even though her name eludes me.

I run around all day in search of clues, but I can't find anything.

I may have achieved nothing today, but I must not lose my memory. If I lose my doubts about this world, I might end up repeating the same day thousands upon thousands of times.

Surrounded by red, I jump again and spill the contents of my head.

40,303rd time

I searched the entire school for clues, but I found nothing.

I jump and spill the contents of my head.

43,058th time

"

"

49,178th time

After a long time, I regain my feelings and recall how to speak.

Tears well up. I can't stand it anymore. I can't endure killing myself every day.

"Let's go back … Let's go back to the enjoyable school festival"

I leave the rooftop behind and return to the school yard where the campfire is set up. Mogi-san approaches me.

I will no longer ignore her confession of love.

"Kasumi Mogi, I love you."

And thus, my long, long fight finally came to an end.

55,555th time

"I love you, Kazu-kun."

"I love you, too, Mogi-san!"

"Let's be together forever!"

"Absolutely!"

59,876th time

"Please wait until tomorrow."

I noticed that this is a recurring world and that I have the mission of making her, whose name I've forgotten, part of my everyday life. It's my ultimate purpose even if I don't know her name.

I take a leap into the dusky sky in order to retain my memory.

65,222nd time

"Let's go back … Let's go back to the enjoyable school festival"

I will no longer ignore Mogi-san's confession of love.

"Kasumi Mogi, I love you."

And thus, my long, long fight finally came to an end.

66,666th time

"I love you, Kazu-kun."

"I love you, too, Mogi-san!"

"Let's be together forever!"

"Absolutely!"

70,512nd time

"Please wait until tomorrow."

I take a leap into the dusky sky in order to retain my memory.

78,165th time

"Kasumi Mogi, I love you."

And thus, my long, long fight finally came to an end.

88,888th time

"I love you, Kazu-kun."

"I love you, too, Mogi-san!"

"Let's be together forever!"

"Let's be together forever!"

"Absolutely!"

102,538th time

"I love you, Kazu-kun."

"I love you, too, Mogi-san!"

"Let's be together forever!"

"Absolutely!"

What could be more wonderful than having such a pretty girlfriend?

I'm the happiest man in the world right now. I want to protect this happiness.

But for some reason I feel that something is wrong. Why is everything so pale? Why do I feel so cramped?

Even though I'm so happy, I feel as if I'm suffocating at the bottom of the ocean.

124,390th time

Let's assume that the world is constantly repeating the day of the school festival. Let's also assume that—just as in the Rejecting Classroom—nobody is able to notice the loop.

In my particular case, there is a certain chance that I would notice anyway. If that happened, I would without a doubt try to somehow get out of the loop, for her whose name I've forgotten. I would not even hesitate to kill myself if need be.

But let's add another twist to that hypothesis: there are no clues. Yes, let's assume that there is not a single clue hidden in this world for terminating the recursion. I wouldn't give up so easily, of course, but when there's no clue, then there's ultimately no other choice. Once I were worn out so badly that both my reasoning and my personality are shattered, I would stop retaining my memory and start looking for someone that could serve as my haven, in order to protect my mind from a complete breakdown.

I would choose to be together with Mogi-san.

However, that would not resolve anything.

After all, this hypothetical world keeps repeating, so I would eventually become aware of its nature again. If that happened, I would once again try to get out, fail, and give up. By the end of the struggle, I would have forgotten that I chose Mogi-san and choose her again.

The loop would repeat itself. Over and over.

It's an endless hell by any definition. In the stupid belief that there's some hope, I would keep jumping into the bloody red pool, suffer and eventually forget about the entire struggle, only to start over again, looking for hope and jumping into the pool of blood. I would keep repeating this foolish cycle with no chance of escaping.

There would be no end. Neither a bad one nor a good one.

Now let's assume that I were really in that world.

"I love you, Kazu-kun," Mogi-san says, lit by the campfire.

I love her too. And yet, her words leave me completely cold.

"Kazu-kun?" she asks, seeing me hang my head.

I run off. Ignoring her cries, I rush into the school building and head to the stairway. To the roof, I think for a moment, but I shake that idea off. Why am I so hell-bent on jumping to my death? It's almost as if I've acquired the habit of doing so!

If I follow my habits, I won't be able to get out of here.

I turn around and enter the home economics classroom instead.

While breathing wildly, I lean onto the kitchen counter and gaze at the campfire outside the window. As I watch the students dance, I make an observation.

—The resolution is way too low.

The pixels stand out like a mosaic and give away how false this world is. No … I'm being silly. This is the real world. It must have looked like this all along. I just didn't notice, that's all. That has to be it or I'm fucked.

It's just a hypothesis, just a silly hypothesis. I wasn't talking about anything real. A horrible loop like that mustn't exist!

It's all just a delusion made up by my insane mind.

However, there is one truth that I cannot escape from:

—I want to die.

I pull open a drawer and take out a kitchen knife. With a surprising lack of hesitation, I stab myself in the heart.

I could clearly feel how my heart was squashed like a huge caterpillar. My blood was spurting like crazy, too.

I was supposed to find eternal rest.

124,391st time

But my memory was carried over. I've leapt through space and time and find myself in our classroom right before the start of the school festival.

My lack of surprise confirms that I've been repeating the same day over and over.

I make a beeline for the home economics room, take out the kitchen knife and stab it deep into my heart.

124,392nd time

But my memory was retained. Even though I want to die, the more often I die, the more strongly I realize that I'm trapped in a meaningless loop.

It seems like I can't kill myself by stabbing myself in the heart. Maybe because it takes some time to bleed to death? Maybe it has to be an instantaneous death?

I stagger out of the classroom and walk to the nearest bypass road. After waiting for a large truck, I jump into the street and get hit.

124,393rd time

But my memory was retained and I am still alive. I have returned to the classroom. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" I yell without meaning to and get strange looks from my classmates. Who cares.

I go to the train station and position myself at the end of the platform. As a train comes in, I take a leap into its path.

My body is torn to shreds.

124,394th time

But my memory was retained and I returned to the classroom. I'm perfectly fine even though I died almost immediately. I'm still alive.

It would seem like there is no way out of this loop.

I start to wail at the top of my lungs, getting on my back and flapping my arms and legs like a little child. My classmates give me queer looks but I don't give a sh*t. They'll forget anyway.

After having a good cry, I calm down a bit, but of course it's too early to give up on dying. I get back on my feet, rush into the restroom, and sit down on a toilet seat. I then start googling for various suicide methods on my cellphone. I'll try each one of them; one of them might work. My heartbeat finally starts to calm down; my only cold comfort can be found in thinking about dying.

I'll go for electrocution this time.

I climb onto a power pole and grab the three electric wires with my wet hands.

124,395th time

But I couldn't die. Well, nothing to worry myself about. There are still plenty of methods left.

I'll try hanging myself this time.

124,396th time

Drowning in the sea it is.

124,423rd time

Death by being run over, death by falling, death by electrocution, death by hanging, death by being crushed, death by drowning, death by exsanguination, death by suffocation, death by hypothermia, death by heat, death by explosion—I tried them all, but nothing resulted in a permanent death.

I end up giving up even on dying … giving up? Haha, so I gave up once more?

A laugh escapes my lips. I gave up. How many times is that now? How many thousand times is it? How many times have I come to do the same thing in this world where my will amounts to nothing?

In a fit of pique, I scratch my head until it starts to bleed. Of course, that won't solve anything.

I'm at a dead end. I can't do anything. If I give up dying and forget about the loop, I will eventually try once more to find fragments of her whose name I forgot. And then I will give up and choose to live in this world together with Mogi-san. And then I will forget everything about this long struggle until I get suspicious once more, only to despair again and resort to suicide because I'll have forgotten that I can't die.

This is ridiculous. What kind of hell is this? Tell me, how could anything be worse than this!

Neither the faint hope I keep embracing again and again, nor the deep despair that keeps sneaking up to me, have any meaning in this hell. It's all the same. I am forced to keep wandering in an endless sandstorm; there's only sand around me, and if I open my thirsty mouth, I get a mouthful of sand that makes me cough like crazy.

What did I do? Why do I have to suffer so horribly?!

"Someone … someone answer me!" I scream, but no one replies. I run out of the classroom. My feet automatically take me to the place they are most accustomed to—the rooftop. I open the door and the color of the sky leaps out at me.

For a moment I'm thunderstruck, but then I start laughing at myself.

"Ha, ha…"

Even though it's still morning, the sky is stained red. It's not crimson, but an ominous, deep red that looks like blood.

Apparently, I've been nuts all along. I can't even correctly register the world anymore. The blue sky looks red to me.

I can't stop laughing. While laughing at the top of my lungs, I approach the fence. I don't even care what happens anymore. Duh, maybe I should kill myself for the time being? I look at the ground and see a mountain of corpses. I don't get it. This doesn't make any sense. I must be hallucinating. Under the corpses is a dark red, mud-like pool of blood. The dead bodies have a variety of expressions on their faces, but most of them are distorted with agony.

And all of them have my face.

"—Haha!"

Aah, yeah, those are my own lives that I wasted. Pointless deaths.

I stop laughing and tear up instead. What should I do? This sight is violence against the eyes. It's like being stabbed in the eyes.

This sight makes me realize how horribly this world has treated me; how many times I've died. But I won't be released. My actions won't bear fruit. I'm completely adrift.

"UWAAAAAAAA​AAAAAAAAAAAAAA​AAAAAAAAAA​AAAAAA!!!" I scream, even though my cry won't reach anyone.

"Do not fret. You should be proud of yourself!"

There's an answer, but despite the absurdity of this occurrence, I am not the least bit surprised. I've already been seeing things, so it's only natural to also start hearing things.

"What you're seeing is proof of your struggle against this world."

He has made himself comfortable on the mountain of corpses, crossing his legs, and is gently smiling up at me.

He has my own face, that of Kazuki Hoshino.

I couldn't care less if my hallucinations resemble me or not, but what pisses me off is how mellow he looks. It makes him resemble my enemy.

Therefore I can't help addressing him in a rough tone.

"I struggled, yeah, but what of it? There was no point in dying and keeping my memory! Nor will there ever be!"

"Nothing was futile," my other "self" counters.

"What was that?"

"You only need to open your eyes, and you'll see that your struggle wasn't futile."

"What is it that I'm supposed to see, eh?!"

"The change that you caused!"

Change? The only thing that changed is that I went bonkers; and maybe that I fell in love with Mogi-san. But so what? None of that is actually relevant.

That's not quite correct, "I" say. "Just look how red the sky is!"

"…"

The sky's red indeed. But what of it?

I return my gaze to "myself" to see what "I" am talking about. "I" am sitting there with a creepy smile on "my" face, the only being drawn in full color atop a mountain of corpses that look like cheap sketches. I notice a scar on "my" right hand.

A scar…? What was the meaning of that scar, again? What kind of resolve did it symbolize…?

"Do you know what has been giving you a hard time? It's your attachment to a world where everyone is happy! You couldn't bring yourself to abandon this world because you enjoyed being in love with Kasumi Mogi! Without that sentiment, there wouldn't have been a need for so many corpses."

There wouldn't have been a need for corpses?

"…Do you claim that there is a point to piling up all these bodies?"

"I do! Just think about it: Dead bodies have no place in a 'happy world,' do they? They conflict with the notion of happiness, don't they? This mountain of corpses represents a revolt against the charade! Do you seriously believe that they had no effect whatsoever?"

"It's meaningless! It was all meaningless! I even forgot her na—"

"Stop pretending!" "I" shout with a sudden change of tone. "Stop pretending that you forgot her name."

"I" scowl coldly at me.

"Don't run away. Don't seek refuge in false happiness. Confront reality. Face up to this world. You lack the resolve, the dedication to devote your body and soul to her. Your subconscious knows what you have to do and what consequences your actions will have. You kept yourself back because you know that even greater despair awaits down the road."

"W-What you are you talking—"

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. Even though you claimed to do everything for her, you could not bring yourself to pass the point of no return. You could not abandon your humanity. You fled from the final decision under the pretext that you had no scar on your right hand."

"I" focus on me.

"Are you unable to save her without the Empty Box? Are you so weak?"

"…But … I don't know what to do…"

"Shout her name and you will know what to do!"

I breathe in and frantically shake my head.

"B-But I forgot her name! I don't even remember what kind of person she was…"

"No, you haven't forgotten her. There is no way that you of all people could forget her! After all, you are her 'savior!'"

"My" face returns to a gentle smile.

"Now let's finish off this world."

With these words, "I" disappear along with the mountain of bodies.

"───"

My conversation with "myself" was just a hallucination—a delusion in my head. However, the counterpart to delusions, reality, does not exist here. There's no spine or anything certain in this world; it's as thin as paper and can easily be torn.

Even delusions can penetrate and overthrow this world.

I will therefore follow "my" advice and face up to the situation.

"…Ah, I see!"

I thought I was hallucinating when the sky looked red to me, but that's wrong. Now that I think about it, that's wrong!

The sky had permanently turned red long ago, which implies:

I was indeed inflicting damage on this world.

I have come to retain my memory by killing myself over and over; doing so was against the supposedly happy cycle. As a result, I slowly but surely damaged this realm, much like digging a tunnel out of a prison cell. I may have given in to the sweet temptation of a fake everyday life countless times, but in the end, that didn't stop me from resisting the world. I never ultimately strayed from my way.

I extend my arms toward the red sky and start to spin around.

—Look at this! It was me who created this bloody sky!

Very well, I'll do as "I" told myself.

"…I'll finish this world off."

The countless recurrences weren't for naught. The feeling of progress strengthens my resolve.

Aah … I'm so excited. I'm so excited that I feel a throbbing pain beneath my eyes.

I leave the rooftop and rush down the stairs. Before I return to my classroom, I drop by the home economics room to fetch something. The people who pass by are all low-resolution and blurred. Geez, why didn't their fuzziness catch my eye up until now?

In the classroom I find a girl in a wheelchair: Kasumi Mogi.

Unlike the obscured people around her, she's colored brightly.

"Mogi-san!"

She seems to be taken aback after witnessing me call her name with eyes wide open and ablaze with excitement. I am clearly behaving abnormally.

But I couldn't care less.

I take Mogi-san's hands and ask her, "What do you think is love?"

Completely puzzled by my strange behavior, she is only able to incline her head. I keep my tight grip on her hands and look her deep in the eyes.

"O-Ouch … what's wrong, Kazuki-kun?"

"Answer me. Quick."

"Um … love?" she answers reluctantly. "If you … like someone a lot, I suppose? And care for each other, maybe?"

I shake my head.

"No, that's not enough! I believe that love is much deeper than that. It's much more irreversible. It exceeds just caring for each other and continues until both parties become entangled and inseparable. They combine to form a single concept. They become one. Neither of them must come apart. THAT'S LOVE, I believe," I rocket about. "Yes. That's why the fragment of her that I was looking for is right here."

I point at my chest.

"I couldn't find a fragment anywhere in this world. I thought there was no such thing. Haha … I'm such a fool, no? The fragment's right here! I only needed to dissect myself!"

"What…? You're not making any sense … you're frightening me…!"

"But sadly that's not enough. That's not enough to reach her. I have to create an environment where I can fully focus on sensing her. What do you think I should do? Hm?"

"…Let go of me!" she cries and shakes off my hands.

Am I shocked? Yeah, I'm shocked. After all, I love Mogi-san. Well, whatever.

Nobody understands me. After all, I'm the defier of this world.

"If she's inside me and I want to listen more closely to her, then there's a simple solution—"

I take out the kitchen knife I was hiding under my clothes.

"—I simply have to make sure that I'm alone."

"…Huh? Ah…!"

I stab Mogi-san in the chest.

How do you erase people from this world?

Mogi-san once accomplished this feat in the Rejecting Classroom by simply killing her targets, so I'm testing the same method on her now.

When I pull out the knife from her chest, blood starts to spout out from the wound. As the blood spurts at my face, my conscience starts to torment me with remorse. I killed the girl I genuinely loved. I killed an innocent girl who had maintained a positive view on life despite getting in an accident that left her handicapped. If I recalled just a fraction of our happy memories together, I would no doubt be overwhelmed with pangs of guilt and my mind would collapse.

But I'm insane. As such, I'm able to scrap my morals and put a lid on those memories.

As a panic breaks out in the classroom, I chant with a soft voice:

"Love."

"Love."

"Love."

Don't give up thinking. Don't falter. Maintain your resolve. Dispose of your conscience. Give up your future. Don't go the wrong way. Just walk straight ahead. For love. For love. Slaughter them all for love.

And I scream.

I scream the name of the girl waiting for me at the end of my path.

"Maria!"

Right, that's her name—

Maria.

Maria Otonashi.

I've chosen her. I've chosen Maria.

Therefore…

"Disappear, Kasumi Mogi!" I shout and pierce her chest again with the kitchen knife.

…Come to think of it, Mogi-san once tried to kill me in a similar way back in the Rejecting Classroom, but in the end, she didn't do it. She was unable to cross the last line and kill the boy she loved. She maintained her humanity.

But I crossed that line.

Farewell, humanity. Farewell, Kazuki Hoshino.

Suddenly, my right shoulder is hit by a hard blow. I drop my knife and fall over. As I look up to check what happened, I see Haruaki standing there with widened eyes. Apparently, he body-slammed me.

"What the … what the … what have you done, Hoshii?!"

Haruaki is trying to nurse Mogi-san, but it's futile. As the one who stabbed her, I can tell that she's beyond saving.

I killed Kasumi Mogi without fail.

However, it doesn't end here. Mogi-san may have been the person who tied me to this place the most, but the others also have that power. Haruaki is particularly dangerous.

Should I stab him? I ask myself, but killing him right now is difficult, considering his strong build and the fact that he's alarmed.

Haruaki and the others will blame me if I stay here; his words may take away my resolve. It's entirely possible that their protest might move me to abort the slaughter.

I should withdraw. I should escape before I regain my conscience.

So, I cut my throat.

Screams all around me. I collapse. I smile as I trace my own blood with my fingers.

—Madder, Kazuki! Go madder!

Go mad and reject everyone except for yourself!

Get rid of everything else, so that you can focus on Maria who has melted into you!

Share