Published at 26th of March 2019 12:07 am

Volume 7, Part 6

124,424th time

—Maria.

The moment I yell her name, my mind starts spinning like mad. My brain gets shaken around so hard that I feel like breaking. You should be a bit more careful with your host!

However, the memory that gets projected after the pain is a blissful one. It starts to play like a video, outlined by a shimmer of light.

It's a trivial memory of an ordinary day.

I believe it was during the rainy season. I was in Maria's peppermint-scented room.

With a worried look on my face, I was clumsily preparing a bowl of noodles in the kitchen.

"Kazuki."

Her voice was not strong and self-confident as usual, but weak. Ah … right. Maria is the only one who calls me by my name. Only she has the privilege of calling me that.

In order to answer her call, I left the kitchen without putting down my chopsticks. Maria was lying in her three-quarter bed and gazing at me, using her blanket to cover everything except for her flushed face. An ice pack rested on her forehead. I suppose it's wrong to say this—after all, she was suffering from a high fever—but she looked cuter than ever before.

"What's the matter, Maria?"

She coughed and gave me a satisfied smile.

"…fufu, it's nothing…"

"Huh?" I was surprised that she would go out of her way to call me over for no reason.

"I said it's nothing. I just wanted to see your face… cough! cough!"

She did not say anything else. Apparently, she really had no other reason for calling me over.

I returned to the kitchen, scratching my head. After I finished preparing the noodles, I placed the bowl on the living room table.

Maria stood up and somehow staggered over to the seat cushion, despite seeming very groggy. For some reason, however, she did not pick up her chopsticks and just kept scowling at the bowl.

"…What's wrong?"

"I'm just thinking that it looks real hot. Too hot to blow on and eat, even."

"Ah, I see. Eat at your own pace!" I suggested. "…Huh? Why do you look so sour?"

"Boy are you slow. Aren't you enough of a man to cough! cough! …offer to blow on my noodles for me?"

"Urm…"

She's saying such bold things in such a weak voice. So basically, she wants me to blow on her noodles and feed them to her?

"Wait!"

Isn't that embarrassing as hell…? Isn't that a privilege of couples that are, well, all lovey-dovey…?

"Hurry up."

"…But, you know … that's embarra—"

"Hurry up, I said."

She was probably going to keep scowling at me until I obeyed. I gave in and did as she asked.

I grabbed a few noodles with my chopsticks, blew on them, and moved them over to Maria's mouth. However, she refused to eat them.

"…Err, what's wrong?"

She smirked at me in silence.

"You wouldn't want me to say 'Aaah', would you…?" I asked hesitantly.

"Looks like you got it this time. Hurry up."

"…Ah … aaah."

"Louder."

Oh, screw it!

"AAAAAAH!" I said and held out my chopsticks, turning even redder than Maria had because of her fever.

At last, she opened her mouth and showed me her defenseless, red tongue.

I have to admit that seeing her like that rattled me a bit.

"Mm." She slurped the noodles and said with a happy and contented smile: "Could use some flavoring."

God, you're picky!

"Also, I'll eat the rest myself because it's too much of a hassle to do otherwise."

What was she asking for just a few moments ago?!

However, Maria's torture was just beginning. After she finished up her noodles, she started undressing. Suddenly. Without warning.

Of course, she wasn't wearing anything under her pajamas except for her underwear.

"W-What are you doing?!" I yelled out, desperately averting my eyes.

"My pajamas are all sweaty because I haven't changed my clothes all day. Plus, I just ate something hot. Oh, it feels so disgusting."

"That's no reason to undress in front of me! Did your fever make you an exhibitionist, Maria?!"

"Well, I would take a shower if I could, but what if I collapsed as a result? Besides, showers aren't good for your body when you're ill. So, Kazuki, would you wipe my body with a wet towel?"

"…Y-You're kidding, right?! Just look at you! You're in your freaking underwear! You should be embarrassed! I mean, you're still technically a girl, and younger than me on top of that!"

"Who cares. Get on with it." she said.

Not only had she become picky, she had also turned into a pervert.

"What, er, what if I got aroused by your naked skin and threw myself at you?"

"It doesn't matter because I'm only half conscious and would forget about it anyway. That wouldn't even count."

Now that sounds even more perverted!

"…Hah…"

With a deep sigh, I gave up on bringing her to her senses. There was no way someone like Maria would take back her words. Besides, she probably was really feeling uncomfortable because of her sweat. Probably.

I filled a wash bowl with hot water, moistened a towel, wrung it out and pressed it against Maria's slender back.

I held my breath.

How else should I have reacted? I could see her white bra despite my repeated attempts to look away.

Ugh … I think I'm gonna lose control.

"Gonna lose control?"

"Of course not!" I retorted.

But I wouldn't attack her even if I did lose control. I don't want to assault Maria because of my transient sexual impulses. Maria was only teasing me because she was well aware of that.

Dammit … she has me in the palm of her hand, doesn't she? Geez…

This is a mannequin, I started telling myself. This is just a mannequin!

After I had somehow managed to finish wiping her back without losing it, I moved on to the rest of her body. I wrung out the towel again and started wiping her arms.

Maria's slender body did not display a girlish softness. Her ribs were quite visible, too. I could tell that her body was still developing.

"Ugh…"

I had reminded myself that she wasn't a mannequin. My hands stopped moving.

"What's wrong? Hurry up."

Maria had a broad grin on her face. She was clearly enjoying herself.

Just to make this clear: I also want to touch you! I'm also enjoying it! We're totally equal!

While bolstering myself with lies, I finished wiping her body. My throbbing heart had left me completely exhausted, so I had to lie down and catch my breath.

However, Maria's torture continued.

"Kazuki, I'm cold!"

"Huh?"

Maria pretended to shiver, and her next instruction left me terrified:

"Warm me up."

And so it came to be that we ended up sleeping in the same bed, Maria wearing just a t-shirt over her underwear.

Her long hair was pressed against my nose. I could clearly feel her back and her legs against my body.

It's okay now, right? I'm allowed to attack her, right? This is obviously a sign that's she's giving me the OK! …But yeah, I know! I don't have the balls to throw myself at her!

Because we were lying back-to-back, I couldn't see her face—but I was sure that she was smirking contentedly.

However, for some reason, Maria didn't say anything to tease me. All I could hear was her breathing. Beyond silently squeezing my hand, she did nothing else.

The moment I asked myself, did she fall asleep?… she finally spoke up in a quiet voice

"This brings back memories…" She moved her head slightly. "Whenever my body fails me like this, I recall the penetrating smell of my old school infirmary. I used to have weak lungs and had trouble fitting in with my classmates, so I would often go straight to the infirmary after getting to school. Back then, my sister was all I—"

She stopped speaking.

"Maria…?"

Maria never talked about her past; because of the Flawed Bliss, she couldn't remember anything to start with.

"…My befuddled mind has made up some silly things … forget what I said."

I didn't ask any questions. Even if I did, she would not have answered them.

"I'm sorry, Kazuki," she muttered with her back still turned to me. "I don't want to give you my cold. I'm sorry."

You say that now? I thought for a moment, but figured that she must have been worried all along, and just couldn't bring herself to say anything out loud before.

"Don't worry about it. I don't mind in the least. With such a bad fever, you would have needed someone to look after you anyway, and I wouldn't want to leave that role to anyone else."

"I know you mean it and that troubles me," she says. "You're so gentle that it troubles me. It really does."

"…So it doesn't actually trouble you, does it?"

"It does. I mustn't be so dependent on someone else … I have to be alone … and yet, I want to be with you for…"

Her words faded away.

"Maria?"

I could hear her breathing calmly. At first I thought she was pretending to be asleep, but then I noticed that she was really sleeping.

She did not usually expose her weaknesses so openly. The fever must have made her a bit delirious.

"…I will stay with you even if you're troubled, Maria. I'll be with you even if worse things happen to me than catching your cold. I would do anything to stay with you. I would give up anything."

As I embraced her fragile body, I said, "Let's stay together for all eternity."

I wasn't trying to confess or say anything special. Those words just naturally escaped my lips.

I knew for a fact that we were connected by the strongest of bonds and were already living as one.

Maria was the one who still believed that it wasn't too late for us to be separated again.

"Even if you disappear into a different world, Maria," I whispered and gently stroked her hair, "I will definitely find you."

That memory was really just an ordinary moment of our everyday life, but that everyday life we spent together is full of reasons for me to stand up.

I have a motivation that is strong enough to make me build a mountain of corpses.

I always said that I'm Maria's knight. I always said that I would destroy anything between us and kill anyone hindering me, and that I would climb over the rubble and the corpses to come to her rescue.

I'm simply getting ready to act. That's all.

✵✵✵

Let's leave my flashback and return to the false reality that is holding me captive.

I am in the corridor, frozen where I stand.

"Let's stay together for all eternity," I remind myself as I drop my gaze.

Haruaki's corpse lies before me.

My head starts to spin when I realize that. I feel as if someone beat me with a baseball bat.

My hands and knife are slimy with blood. It drips down between my fingers. All the sounds around me echo in my head.

Ah, I see, I was escaping from reality. I couldn't swallow the fact that I killed Haruaki and instead indulged in some reminiscing.

Using my memories with Maria like this is a good idea. They will allow me to maintain my sanity.

If I don't make use of them, I won't be able to endure what I'm going to do.

I won't hesitate to fight. I'll stain the lovely ornaments of this festival with blood. I'll change their smiles to screams by slaughtering them. I'll destroy everything.

"What's wrong, Kazu?" Daiya asks as he runs up to me. "What the…? What did you do to Haru…?"

He wrinkles his brow and clenches his fists. His expression shows that he can't comprehend the situation, even though what happened is obvious.

"…Daiya."

In the real world, Daiya made an irrevocable mistake and disappeared before me. Here, on the other hand, he has come to terms with his past and is Kokone's lover. He does not know that boxes exist.

We could stay best friends here—a very appealing thought.

Therefore…

"I have to kill you as well."

Daiya is a hindrance that ties me to this world.

"…What the … what the hell are you doing…?"

"Just one more thing, Daiya," I ask. "Do you know a Kasumi Mogi?"

"Cut out that crap! Who the fuck is Kazumi Mogee?!"

Okay, Mogi-san has ceased to exist in this world. She has disappeared from the memory of the inhabitants. That means that murdering her in the previous world was successful.

Haruaki won't exist in the next world, either.

Once all the people I love have disappeared from this world, there will be nothing left to tempt me.

I'll kill Daiya with the kitchen knife while he's still in disbelief. If I fail, I can simply commit suicide.

And yet—

"—Ah…"

That knife falls to the floor with a clank. It slipped out of my grip.

"UH, AAAAAaaaaah…"

Instead I tear up and start to cry against my will.

That's right. It's excruciating. It's just too excruciating. I may have killed myself thousands of times, but murder is on a entirely different level. I've forgotten what the real world looks like, so murder in this fake world feels completely genuine; I can't persuade myself that this isn't real. As a matter of fact, the people I kill disappear for good. The act is irrevocable. No. It's agonizing. I don't want to. This is just like killing myself in a roundabout way. My heart will disappear. I will disappear.

"Uh … gh—"

But that's fine. It has to be that way. After all, if I fade away, the Maria inside me will become visible. By the time that happens, I might not be myself anymore, but I will be able to meet her. I guess I will be broken—No, perhaps I am already broken? Is it too late already?

It doesn't matter.

I'll just put my body in motion by chanting that spell.

Love. Love. Love. Love. —Love.

The commotion around me intensifies as I stand beside Daiya's body, just as motionless as he is. Right now, the students are too frightened of me to intervene, but they will pin me down eventually.

I manage to get a grip and head to the stairway, pushing through the crowd. The students are still hesitating, so I rush up to the roof. At last, I start hearing the footsteps of people pursuing me.

Without further ado I jump from the roof and die.

124,425th time

I call Kokone out to the roof and kill her.

I then run away from school before anyone notices and start to consider my options.

Killing people one by one is very limiting. I need a tool that allows me to kill more efficiently. I could imitate the incidents that occasionally occur in the US and fire a machine gun everywhere. Since I can ignore my own survival, I could tie on a belt of dynamite and blow myself up like some terrorist, maybe? …No, that's not realistic. It's not that easy to get my hands on a machine gun or explosives. Of course, I wouldn't mind breaking the law and killing someone to obtain them, but it's still too difficult. It might be possible to obtain some heavy weapons over the course of a few days, but in my case, where everything gets reset after one day, it's not feasible. Maybe I should break into an American military base and steal some weapons? …that's not realistic even though I don't care if I die. Then how about poison? I could look for some wolfsbane and brew a poison from it. Alternatively, I could try to obtain some potassium cyanide. Sounds more feasible, I guess? Shouldn't be impossible, at least.

…Man, it's surprisingly hard to engage in mass murder.

For now, I get some gasoline from a gas station and walk around the school spilling it everywhere. Because of the stench, the teachers notice me surprisingly quickly. While I manage to set a fire, the effects prove disappointing.

I survived even though I was near the center of the explosion. In the end, I had to cut my throat.

124,426th time

Apparently, nobody died from the fire I had started in the previous world. The school festival is being held like usual. I try to put my mass poisoning plan into action, but I can't get my hands on poison fast enough.

I decide to postpone the poisoning. Instead, I break into a truck that was parked by the convenience store and kill the driver with a hammer. I planned to drive to school and run over some students, but since I don't even have a license, I end up crashing the truck at an intersection.

The accident isn't fatal, but my right leg is crushed. Since I can't go on killing while crippled, I cut my throat.

124,427th time

I get my hands on some poison. During the class closing ceremony party held after the campfire, I poison everyone's tea. After making sure that everyone was squirming in pain, I go to the rooftop and jump to my death.

124,428th time

A surprisingly large number of people survived the poisoning, even though the dose was far higher than lethal; only three people disappeared. In that case, there's hardly any point in running around all day in search for poison. I'll try it one more time, but if the effects continue to disappoint, I should probably come up with a different method.

124,429th time

My mind collapses in a sudden fit of reason and I kill myself before doing anything else of note.

124,435th time

After a few more suicides, I finally recover enough willpower to kill. I should stop using poison. Killing people one by one with a knife is more efficient.

124,444th time

I killed all my classmates, but nothing happens. The school festival is still being held, although our classroom is now empty.

It seems that this world is different from the Rejecting Classroom, where only one classroom was involved. Killing all my classmates is not sufficient.

How can I end this world? By killing the entire population? How should I do that when I already have such trouble just killing my classmates?

Confronted with the despair of an endless task, I lose my mind again and kill myself.

124,445th time

One suicide was enough to calm back down. Well, my mind has clearly taken damage, but at least I'm still able to think.

My only solace lies in the fact that the crack in the red sky is growing, slowly but surely. I'm successfully denying this "world of happiness."

My next goal for the time being is the extinction of all the people in my school.

I decide to steal a truck again. This time I don't lose control and manage to run over a few students who had been enjoying the campfire. I die when I crash into the school building at 100kmph.

124,446th time

However, only three people died in the accident. I never realized that it's so hard to kill people efficiently. This really makes me appreciate weapons that were developed for exactly that purpose.

For the sake of efficiency, I decide to assemble everyone in a single place. I only have to take a few students hostage and kill one of them, and the students start to obey my orders. I have them tie themselves up with ropes and kill those who didn't tie themselves up tightly enough. Once everyone is tied up, I pour gasoline everywhere and set a fire. I can't escape the gym in time, though, and burn to death.

124,447th time

Unsurprisingly, the number of people in my school has shrunk by more than a half. I can't withstand the pangs of my conscience, however, and I lose my mind and kill myself.

124,480th time

Lately, I've been losing my mind and becoming incapable of thought more frequently. There were days when I couldn't bring myself to move, but whenever I could, I made sure to kill at least one student.

And I finally manage to rid the school of people.

However, nothing happens. The school festival is no longer being held, of course, but there are still swarms of people in town.

Do I have to kill them as well? Do I have to kill innocent people and suffer even more?

Facing despair, I jump to my death once more. Splash.

124,481st time

I kill Luu-chan and the rest of my family. I can't stop vomiting.

124,491th time

I try to hijack an airplane in order to crash it into a high-rise, but I can't even get onto a plane. I commit suicide by biting off my tongue.

124,502nd time

I hijack a full train full of people and derail it. It's my greatest success so far. I'm totally going to repeat this a few times.

124,609th time

I suspend my mass murder activities for an iteration and lie on my back on the rooftop at school.

The number of people isn't shrinking. There's still lots of them even though I killed so many. I don't feel like I'm making any progress.

I realized something after killing so many people: Mankind is tougher than I expected. Cockroaches don't hold a candle to mankind. Catastrophes may wipe away entire countries, epidemics may kill thousands of people, the planet may become uninhabitable, aliens may attack from outer space, the sun may go supernova; as a result, mankind may be decimated but people will survive no matter what. And the survivors will continue to breed. You can't eradicate them. That's how I feel as someone tasked with endlessly killing people.

The "value of life" is a much-discussed topic, but I instinctively found an answer to this never-ending discussion. Life has no weight in itself; it's a concept created by the observer that does not have a definite form. I didn't just come up with this theory because I wanted to justify my deeds. Essentially, life does not entail multiple instances but is just one massive wobbly lump. However, we tend to refer to the bodies that were formed out of that giant lump as "lives". The essence of life is in all of us and can't be "stolen" or "born." As long as the essence of life exists, life does not decrease or increase, and it certainly won't disappear.

I don't need anyone to believe me. The way I view humans is no longer that of a peer. I can't consider myself human anymore.

While I've long since despaired, the awareness that I have degenerated into a non-human paints me even blacker, distorts me even worse and leaves me even emptier. Should my equilibrium lean over just a bit toward the side of despair, I would break once and for all. I would keep killing myself.

But I won't stop now. After all, my activities have borne fruit.

The red sky has become riddled with cracks. I can virtually hear the crackling.

I am indeed destroying this world bit by bit, but at the same time, I can't distinguish the cracks in the crimson sky from my hallucinations.

There is a mountain of corpses in the school yard, consisting of the people I've killed. My beloved ones are also among the people that I see due to that hallucination, but I can't remember their names. I can't view humans as humans anymore. I can't tell the masses of flesh apart. I'm sh*t. I'm a steaming pile of sh*t.

Splash.

—Oh? When did I jump down? Geez, it's become a bad habit of mine.

However, I don't die instantaneously. With my head split half-open, I crawl around. Would be nice if I found some hope lying around somewhere, but of course there is no such thing, and even if there were, I wouldn't be able to pick it up.

I lose blood like crazy and—here it goes—I'm dead again.

124,611st time

After I finish slurping down a bowl of noodles in Ikebukuro, I take a chainsaw out of my overnight bag and start cutting down the people in the restaurant. Once I'm done, I leave the establishment and start slaughtering the people on the streets. It's a living hell, but it also appears so distant to me that I don't even feel involved. Just when I cut apart someone dressed as a maid advertising a product, my chainsaw conks out. The stunned crowd notices that the chainsaw has stopped making noises. Most likely, I'll be lynched by the brave people of Ikebukuro at any moment. I should kill myself before that happens. But for some reason I can't find my knife. I'm drenched in so much blood that I can't see anything. Thinking back, the broth for those noodles was quite something.

Someone claps me on the shoulder.

Who is it? There is nobody who could be doing that. Nobody has dared to approach my blood-drenched figure.

But it's an undeniable fact that someone's clapping me on my shoulder. I turn around, but there is no one to be found. I see no one. In other words, someone that I cannot see is clapping me on the shoulder. Okay, there's no doubt about it: he must be a monster. A monster that can easily kill me anytime.

But for some reason I know him, even though he's invisible.

Who is it? Who is who is who is it?

—Well, of course.

—It's me.

My vision turns black.

The invisible monster invades my body with a sharp pain that feels like having my eyes pierced by a shard of glass. A sense of shame wells up. I traverse the universe. I travel among the stars. A peculiar red noise disturbs my brain waves. There is no sound. There has been no sound for ages. A sea of toxic insects. The circulating poison makes me rave. Paralyzed, I suddenly find myself amidst countless TV monitors. The monitors form a gapless maze and show me killing people. Stop it! I don't want to see that! Don't showcase my sins in such an passionless way! My cries are ignored. I'm shown more near-endless sins. I am crushed under the weight of my sin. The contents of my mind burst out of my body and are destroyed. My flesh bursts. It bursts like caramel popcorn.

I suddenly realize:

This is the end. This is my end.

Will I be able to meet her, then?

Will I meet Maria?

I open the curtain of this blackened world. I open another curtain. And another curtain. Whenever I open one, this shabby room grows darker and darker. Surrounded by the dark, I keep committing suicide. I get killed by delusions that I can't recognize as delusions.

But the stars continue to revolve, and so does my field of vision.

Where am I?

This time I'm falling down a bottomless hole. I keep falling. Oh, how deep is this hole? Who dug it? The hole is so deep that I could bury all the corpses I created. No matter how long I keep falling, I never reach the bottom. I can't. I can't.

But after an infinite amount of time, I finally arrive.

My body has been accelerating throughout the long fall. It smashes against the bare ground and bursts once more.

Splash.

It turns into shreds of flesh.

But before I know it, I am revived and start falling again. After an infinite amount of time, I reach the bottom and burst into shreds.

The loop keeps repeating.

Splash. Splash.

Splash. Splash. Splash. Splash. Splash.

As that sound keeps playing in my brain, I wake up.

"Ah."

I am standing in the middle of one of Japan's busiest areas, Ikebukuro, drenched in blood and holding a broken chainsaw.

However, now that I've returned, there is no air around me anymore. Well, I can breathe, but something crucial is lacking. Something is missing.

Ah, I see!

There are no people.

All I hear is silence. The absence of what should be here has turned the town into ruins.

As I'm assaulted by a strong impulse that seems to blaze through my chest, I let out an agonizing cry. I did something I can't undo! I did something I can't undo! The taste of despair spreads on my tongue; a taste much like green saliva. Unable to endure this, I run around the silent town. The normally bustling main street is empty. The town has been abandoned—left all alone. This is so fucked up. It would be so much easier to swallow if everything around me simply disappeared and turned black.

I run around until I'm exhausted and can't walk anymore. I lean against a deserted car that is stopped in the middle of a 5-way intersection.

"Hah … Hah … Hah…"

As I pant away, the deserted town charges at me. It jumps into my eyes and tells me:

All the people have disappeared.

"—Ha. Haha."

I did it.

I made it to the end of the world.

I certainly haven't finished killing every person on the planet, but my continuous murder has prevented me from becoming happy. That effectively renders the power of the Flawed Bliss, which is to create a "world of happiness," impotent.

I finally succeeded in making the Flawed Bliss fail on me.

"I did it … I did it…!"

Thanks to this achievement—

I can't even indulge in false happiness anymore.

Not even a box can save me from all-encompassing despair anymore.

"AAAH—!"

I could almost throw up with delight. As I happily despair, I get the urge to dance and squash my eyeballs. I spread my overflowing tears and snot all over my face. Before I know it, I'm beating my own legs swollen.

I'm all alone in this world.

124,612nd time

Even though I accomplished my goal, I remain unable to meet Maria. I wake up in my classroom during the preparations for the school festival.

Of course, the classroom is empty. Ever since Kokone disappeared, I'm not holding an alto recorder anymore, either.

I walk around the school. Because everyone disappeared in the middle of the festival preparations, it all looks horribly unnatural and I feel as if I'm wandering around in a diorama. There are no footsteps besides mine. The absence of life is so thorough that not even ghosts could exist here.

I keep carefully looking around the school like I'm going through a checklist.

There is no soul here.

No matter where I look, there is no soul.

When I had a murderous task to focus on, it was all the same—time was irrelevant and kept accelerating, so that in the end, a day felt as brief as the time it takes to prepare some instant noodles. But now that there is no one around me, time has changed its form like a shapeshifter; it has elongated monstrously. I lost my sense of time and a minute now feels like an hour.

I feel as if the inflated time is choking me. But that's not all: the concept of time acquires a razor-sharp form and keeps cutting my skin, only to suddenly change its form again and crush me under its weight. It then starts pulling on my limbs as if I'm a rubber doll. I shudder. How long until my arms and legs will be cut off, my insides will be squashed and my head will be torn off?

But the most terrifying thing is that these are all merely hallucinations, and that there is a collective word to describe what I'm living through.

Solitude.

I leave the school. The trains at the station aren't operating and are all empty. I get on the first bicycle I find and return home. Of course, nobody's there—I killed and erased Luu-chan and my parents long ago.

It's natural that they aren't there, but I don't like it.

All of a sudden, I get angry.

I want to see their faces.

I want to see someone.

I get on the bicycle again and head someplace where I'm likely to find people.

The shopping district.

—No one.

The amusement park.

—No one.

The shopping mall.

—No one.

The stadium.

—No one.

—No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one.

Maria's apartment.

—No one.

I'll hang myself here today.

Share