Published at 26th of March 2019 12:07 am

Volume 7, Part 8

As a spectator, my sense of time is different from Kazuki's. It's similar to watching a computer game; even though a lot of time elapses, I don't get very tired.

I have to repeatedly witness how they enjoyed their day together. Countless are the number of times that Mogi confesses her love to Kazuki, and he accepts.

I'm aware of my feelings for Kazuki. I think of him tenderly and wish to hug and squeeze him—to make him mine. Every time I witness them confirm their love, my heart suffers anew.

"What's this all about? Is this supposed to be a punishment? Are you trying to get your revenge by showing me what I can't ever have?" I ask the sediment, but unlike before, it doesn't happen to have an answer recorded for me. "…No, I shouldn't be calling it a 'punishment.' I should be delighted to see that Kazuki's happy. My own feelings are irrelevant."

While clenching my teeth, I keep watching Mogi confess and Kazuki accepting her confessions. However, as the sediment had warned me, much worse was to come.

The change occurs during the tenth iteration.

"Please wait until tomorrow," Kazuki says bitterly in response to Mogi's confession.

As if haunted by something, he disappears into the school building and leaves a baffled Mogi behind.

He eventually reappears on the rooftop. Without hesitation he climbs the fence.

"What is he doing…? He wouldn't want to jump off, would he…? …?! I see, he must have noticed that the world is repeating itself, so he…"

As he gazes at the ground with bated breath, Kazuki whispers:

"Maria!"

"———!"

Kazuki jumps to his death for the sole purpose of meeting me.

But the world marches on. Kazuki seems to remember the previous iteration: he ignores his duties of looking after Mogi and dashes out of school in search of me.

"Stop it, Kazuki…"

It's futile. You won't find me. This is a world that can only exist without me, and you should know that.

"You don't need me to be happy! You have Mogi! You have Haruaki and your friends. They will support you. You simply have to stop looking for me … and yet!"

Because he was unable to find me, Kazuki commits suicide again to retain his memories.

He spills out the contents of his head before my eyes.

Kazuki's meaningless search for me went on. He repeatedly committed suicide and transformed into nothing more than a lump of meat. A sane person wouldn't be able to keep committing such violent acts, and indeed, Kazuki slowly went mad and lost both reason and wit. But he kept looking for me.

The number of times I cried, "Stop!" were countless, but Kazuki would keep dying before my eyes.

With time the sky grew redder and the number of corpses increased. At last, I realized why this world looked so strange and differed from all the other worlds.

Kazuki himself was dyeing the sky bloody. It was he who created the meat lumps covering the ground. By dying, he was defeating the purpose of this world.

Kazuki has been doing this long before I started watching. It's by no means the first time he has regained his memory and continuously killed himself.

He is defying the Flawed Bliss. The effects of fighting off happiness couldn't be contained in this little world alone; he inflicted damage on the Flawed Bliss itself bit by bit, which showed up in its other worlds as destructive foreign bodies.

This kind of violence is no different from suicide bombing; no one will benefit from it.

"How can I stop Kazuki…?"

Even when he gives up on retaining his memories and decides to become happy with Mogi, it never lasts for long. Eventually, he always realizes that the world is repeating itself and starts killing himself again. He has been repeating this over and over.

This is hell. For both him and me.

However, I am the one who created this hell in the first place.

"Is this…"

Is this the happiness I wished for? Something that is so vulnerable to distortion?

In that case, my box has to be dest—

—No, I mustn't jump to conclusions. The other people I used it on didn't realize that it was all fake and managed to enjoy themselves.

Kazuki is an exception; there is something "special" about him that makes him see through the deception and keeps pushing him to resist.

"I don't get it … what triggered it?"

His feelings for me? But he's hardly doing it for my sake. In all honesty, I'd rather he forgot about me than suffer so much. If I could, I would gladly enter that hell in his stead. It's way harder on me to see him suffer than to suffer myself.

Kazuki should know my preferences.

"Kazuki … come to your senses. Nobody is wishing for what you're doing. It's not too late. Forget about me and find your own happiness!"

However, for the first time in a long while, the sediment speaks up again.

(Heh, that was just the beginning.)

I was dumbfounded, but I would soon find out that this was neither a lie nor an exaggeration.

Kazuki's hell changed once more for the worse, and began tormenting him in every imaginable way.

He resorted to an absolutely taboo act: He killed Mogi. He killed his friends. He killed his family. He killed innocent citizens.

He wants to rid the world of people so that there's no room for happiness anymore.

Murdering is way more damaging to Kazuki than committing suicide. If he keeps doing it, not much of his mind will be left by the time he manages to get out of the box. He will be tormented by horrible pangs of remorse for the rest of his life.

"Stop it, Kazuki … stop it already…"

I'm sure Kazuki is well aware of the consequences of his actions, yet he kills for the sake of getting to meet me. He's unstoppable.

Because of his murderous acts, cracks start to spread throughout this world.

Aah … they represent my own wavering heart. My faith in the Flawed Bliss is swaying.

Kazuki eventually succeeded in erasing the other members of this world.

The absence of external life also means that there is no meaning to his own life. One's meaning is created by the existence of an observer. Being all alone, Kazuki has gradually been losing his capabilities as a human. He can no longer ride a motorbike, he can no longer operate an elevator, he can no longer write, and he is forgetting how to speak.

Kazuki is becoming incapable of doing anything.

"Good heavens…!" I lament. "He … doesn't have anything anymore, does he? He lost it all!"

As false as this world may be, he can't hope to ever recover from a loss this great. Kazuki is beyond help, even if I were to destroy the Flawed Bliss.

"He lost even more than I did!"

However, Kazuki doesn't stop even though he lost all his abilities, and is repeatedly drawn to a certain place. Though barely conscious, he never fails to arrive at my old room. He then starts calling my name and knocking on the wall. Over and over. He keeps meaninglessly banging his fists against the wall over a nearly infinite period of time. My name eventually starts to fade from his memory, but he doesn't stop pounding on the wall. Kazuki has no heart anymore; he's just executing a program he once set up.

—Bang, bang!

Ah … now I see…

The sound that I kept hearing … was Kazuki calling to me.

—Bang, bang!

He has been calling to me, all the while abrading his soul and becoming hollow. As a mere spectator, I cannot comprehend how long he has been beating the wall from his point of view, but it must be the equivalent of many human lifetimes. For a near-eternity, Kazuki has been pounding on the wall.

For the sole purpose of meeting me.

For the sole damned purpose of meeting me!

"Ugh … ah…"

Can I not answer his feelings in any way?

"Kazuki!" I shout. "Kazuki! I'm here, Kazuki!"

Even though I know it's futile, I keep shouting at the top of my lungs.

"Kazuki! Kazuki! Kazuki! Kazuki! Kazuki!"

I stand in front of him and shout his name.

However, he doesn't notice me, nor can I touch him.

There is an exasperating gap between us. My box separates us like a wall.

—Bang, bang!

Kazuki is wordlessly crying for help. Save me, it hurts, stop it. The shadows I came across in the ocean were tangible manifestations of the underlying emotions that drove his banging.

Kazuki should have that freedom to stop anytime.

But even though there's no assurance whatsoever whether he could reach me, he doesn't stop. No, he can't.

"Kazuki … this isn't normal. You are insane. You are insane to go to such lengths just to see me!"

—Bang, bang!

"But…"

I have to admit it.

"But it makes me happy, Kazuki."

Of course I don't want him to suffer, but I can't deny the fact that I also feel happy that he is longing for me so deeply. While I'm aware of the ugliness of this emotion, I can't suppress it.

"I'll be honest: I may have claimed otherwise, but I was lonely and didn't want to be alone. I was happy to have you by my side. You noticed my true feelings, didn't you? That's why you are pounding on the wall like this, isn't it? It's for my sake…"

I try touching his head, but my hand slips right through.

"But I didn't choose you. I chose my wish of making everyone happy instead and parted from you. I had to leave you if I wanted to maintain my meaning of life."

And this is what came of my choice. Kazuki only had me; he couldn't endure being separated from me. He had no other choice but to go on a fruitless and agonizing search for me.

I'm responsible because I did not understand his true nature.

"Enough of this. Screw my 'meaning of life' – I don't care if I lose my meaning and become empty … it's much worse to look on helplessly as you lose yourself. I want to save you, Kazuki! Because I … I, lo—"

Suddenly, I notice something and touch my cheeks.

They're wet.

—Tears.

"This can't…"

I still have the ability to shed tears? I still have so much weakness in me?

No, I mustn't become aware of it.

"Ew … ah … WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

The tears keep rolling down my cheeks.

"Kazuki … Kazuki … KAZUKI!"

Kazuki has brought back the weakness that I once disposed of.

He managed to change me.

In that case, I'm—

I'm no longer a box.

"UWAAAAAAAAAAAA​AAAAAAA​AAAAAAAA​AAAAAA​AAAAAH!"

I was turned back into a human.

"If I'm no longer a box … if I no longer have to devote myself to my wish…"

I scream.

"I don't care about my wish anymore! Just save Kazuki! Please, save him! …Stop it … Kazuki, I want to see you. I want to hear your voice. I want to feel your warmth. I want you to look at me. I want you to look at me just one more time. Kazuki … Kazuki … Kazukiii…!"

—Bang, bang, bang, bang!

"Come back to me … bring back the good old days! Enough. Enough! I don't want to lose my beloved ones anymore! I don't want to be alone anymore! Please … please … please … Kazuki … Kazuki … stay by my side…!"

Suddenly a thought crosses my mind. What if our positions were reversed?

I'm confident I would do the same things that he did, no matter how foolish it seemed.

I would abandon everything for the sake of meeting him, even if I had to neglect myself and he didn't wish for it.

With tears in my eyes, I smile bitterly, "We're … we're strange, the two of us, aren't we? Kazuki?"

No matter what, we'll try to reach each other.

No matter what, we'll try to live together.

I wonder why that is? I don't know. I don't know, but there is simply no other option.

"There's something that connects us."

"Something that we obtained."

"Something valuable that is far more powerful than wishes."

—Bang, bang!

"Can you not hear me, Kazuki?"

—Bang, bang!

"Can you really not hear me?"

—Bang, bang!

"Well, then I will have to make myself heard!"

I wipe off my tears and button up my lips.

I made up my mind.

I will destroy the Flawed Bliss and go meet Kazuki in order to stay by his side for all eternity, even if he's just a shadow of his former self.

—But is that possible?

Kazuki's situation isn't the only problem: my situation is just as problematic. Pursuing my wish forced me to push past my limits for a long time. When you stretch a string, it either rips or loosens, but it won't return to its initial state. If I lose the Flawed Bliss and all hope of ever obtaining a new box, I will probably be left in a mindless state. We can't be together like that.

—What should I do then?

(Find her)

My eyes widen as I hear his voice. The sediment is speaking to me.

(Find the Zeroth Maria who is still crying.)

"…Who or what is the Zeroth Maria? Will I really be able to be with Kazuki if I find her?"

However, the sediment is not able to answer. I can't even tell for sure whether or not its words were directed at my dilemma. Nonetheless, I decide to trust in its words.

After all, they're Kazuki's words.

I return to the no longer transparent sea and immediately notice a voice.

Why didn't that voice catch my attention until now? Because it was drowned by laughter? Because I didn't want to listen? At any rate, I now hear a voice I didn't notice earlier.

The weeping of a girl is echoing through the sea.

As much as I don't want to believe it, her voice sounds like mine.

The voice originates from the deepest point in the sea, surrounded by the black sediment of distress. I don't know what will happen if I dive into this gaping darkness—I might be trapped inside and drown—but I take a leap and jump into it without any hesitation.

The solidified darkness winds itself around me like viscous concrete, and a thick blackness spreads out before me. Darkness. Darkness. I can't breathe, I'm disgusted, I'm itchy, I'm scared, but I don't stop. I feel my way through the dark and follow the weeping.

"Uh, gh…!""

I'll be swallowed by the dark.

Just when I thought that, the black veil disperses and I arrive at a desolate place.

"This place…"

Ah … I know this place. There's no way I could forget it.

The salty tang of the sea, a road that runs along the sea, unmaintained, cracked concrete, rusty red barriers, and beyond the cliff, an open, breathtaking view of the sea. The other side is occupied by a weedy hill and a few scrawny trees.

This desolate road took my family from me.

However, this place is neither reality nor memory. I wasn't here until it was already too late; the two cars had already been towed away from the site of the crash.

Thus, the two cars that have broken through the barrier and are falling down the cliff at this very moment are not real. It's just a virtual image.

That being said, the reproduction of the scene seems perfect and it all feels depressingly real. This daydream feels more real than reality.

The deaths I'm witnessing feel terribly real too.

Even if I reach out, hoping to save them, I can't even touch them because I'm just a spectator. I can only watch as my family's car flies past me and falls down the cliff. I can't change the past.

My father and the other driver died instantaneously. My mother passed away without ever regaining consciousness. My sister was still conscious but died during transport from blood loss. These are unchangeable facts.

This nightmare haunted me up until I lost my memory—no, even after that. However, this time a new actress makes her appearance.

It's me from my middle school days. I'm weeping bitterly by the hole in the barrier that was ripped open by the crash.

"Why…?" my former self blubbers as she looks down the cliff. "Why did you do this, Onee-chan?"

My former self is gazing at her blood-stained sister—Aya Otonashi—whose lower body was crushed in the accident.

Aya Otonashi starts crawling up the cliff. Even though she is about to die, she is still smiling; she still has that incredibly charming smile.

"You know why, don't you, Maria? I wanted to avenge myself on my family for creating the emptiness inside me!"

"That's not what you told me, Onee-chan!" I respond. "Didn't you plan to fill that emptiness by making all people happy?"

"That was my goal, yes, but not my only one. Revenge was just as important. I decided to leave my goal of making everyone happy to you, Maria."

"That's not something you can do…!"

"It is. The moment I lose my life, you will no longer be Maria Otonashi—"

She smiles.

"You will be Aya Otonashi."

It's true that she made that prediction.

"I will now predict your future, Maria"

"You will become me—you will have to."

"By that I mean that you will have to make others happy."

"Maria, when I'm 14, I will leave this place."

"Maria Otonashi will become Aya Otonashi."

Everything went according to her plan. She had the world in the palm of her hand. Aya Otonashi manipulated people and controlled time. She was more than just a mere human.

There was nothing that she couldn't do.

"I won't die even if I lose my body, Maria. I will overtake you, and live on through you. Once I've overtaken you, you will have no place left to exist. You will become a being whose only purpose is to pursue my wish. And if you abandon my wish, you will become an empty shell with no soul."

She's right.

I'm not Maria Otonashi. I'm Aya.

Kazuki showed me a sweet daydream, but I can't return to being Maria anymore.

Of course, I'll still destroy the Flawed Bliss and release him. That's set in stone.

But that's as far as I can go. I won't be able to be by his—

(Maria, you're not facing Aya Otonashi!)

My eyes widen with surprise.

I look at Kazuki's leftovers, that sediment, standing before me.

(Stop making up convenient lies about Aya Otonashi. Stop running away from reality.)

"…I'm running away, you say? That's nonsense, even if it's coming from you, Kazuki. For crying out loud, Aya Otonashi has me cornered! What's convenient about that, eh? Nonsense, I say. I didn't want to suffer, either, you know? I didn't ask for this struggle…!"

(Stop deifying Aya Otonashi.)

We are talking past each other. Well, that's only natural since the sediment can't actually react to my comments.

"Aya Otonashi is special. She has always been, from the moment we met. I think it's appropriate to call her superhuman," I say with a self-deprecatory laugh. "She actually knew in advance that she would take me over and that she would die on her birthday. And she took action. Not a single one of her prophecies was wrong. Aya Otonashi exceeded the bounds of humanity. She is truly special."

The sediment stays silent for a few moments.

Meanwhile, the remaining upper body of Aya Otonashi has grabbed my middle-school self. She grips me with blood-stained hands.

The sediment opens its mouth again:

(I went to the address where you used to live with your family and tried to find out as much as I could. It was easy to learn that you grew up in a complicated environment, but I didn't hear much about you, Maria. No one could tell me anything.)

"Well, I was a quiet child who didn't have any friends."

(But they all could tell me about Aya at great length. "Smart" and "beautiful" were the words they used to describe her. But I also learned that she was a real troublemaker even though she didn't cause any problems herself; incidents of all kinds kept occurring around her, and the older she got, the worse those incidents got as well.)

"Yeah, Aya Otonashi was that kind of girl, but so what? What are you getting at?" I say in a slightly irritated tone, though I don't know what is annoying me.

(Aya had the habit of saying that she wanted to make everyone in the world happy. Even her teacher at the time knew about it. When he realized that she was dead serious and really wanted to contribute to worldwide welfare, he decided not to talk her out of it and instead helped her with her plans.)

Plans?

The distortion in space continues:

(He backed her plans of studying abroad in New York after turning 14.)

"Huh? What…?"

(Apparently, she wanted to broaden her outlook on life to make the world a better place. She also planned to go to various other countries after traveling to America. She didn't even know when she would come back. Her teacher told me that she somehow managed to persuade her parents, but that she couldn't bring herself to explain it to her clingy little sister.)

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