Published at 26th of March 2019 12:07 am

Volume 7, Part 9

"Maria, when I'm 14, I will leave this place."

"D-Don't … don't spout such nonsense! Aya Otonashi killed herself and her family on her birthday! She avenged herself and at the same time took me over! Go abroad? She would never—"

—Make such ordinary plans.

Do I want to think that way…? Yes … I really seem to be hell-bent on deifying her…

Why? I … I don't know. I also don't know why I'm so agitated.

(She always strove to sincerely help the people of the world. She was a smart girl and actively conceived and tested ways to achieve her goal. But at the end of the day, she was just a 13-year-old girl; her field of experience was limited to school and her ethics were still underdeveloped. However, she was aware of her weaknesses and decided to broaden her horizons by venturing into a new environment.)

I'm utterly confused, but the sediment continues without letting me take a breath.

(Do you really think such an ambitious girl would kill herself and her family for revenge? Do you think she would form reckless and silly schemes such as "planting her soul" inside you?)

"But she did! Aya Otonashi was able to do that and more!"

She's a special being that a commoner like me can't understand.

"I clearly remember her prophecies! She predicted that I was going to become her! And I did! I have completely devoted myself to her wish. What you're saying does not conform with this, Kazuki!"

(I was told that Aya was extremely worried about her little sister Maria, because unlike Aya, Maria wouldn't acknowledge the lack of parental love in the family and kept trying to escape from the truth. Aya couldn't bear to watch as her sister became indifferent and distrustful, failed to make any friends, and failed to pursue any life goals. Maria, she didn't want you to live an empty life. She wanted you to evolve. She wanted you to live passionately. Right, just like she did.)

"Maria Otonashi will become Aya Otonashi."

"Ah…"

(That's why she showed you her own way of life, including the ugly and erroneous parts. She wanted to show everyone how meaningful a life she and her sister could live. That's the truth behind Aya Otonashi's feelings for her little sister.)

"Let us begin, Maria! We may not bear a grudge against anyone, but we have a formless enemy who torments our minds. His name is emptiness. Let's show him—"

"How we take revenge!"

"…Stop it."

The sediment is about to shake my very foundations; it's stirring up my insides.

"Stop it. That's just your belief about her! Don't degrade my own!"

(I'm sure you won't believe me and you'll claim that Aya is special or some sort of prodigy, but somewhere in your mind, you should also find memories of her as an ordinary child. She may have not acted her age, but she was still just a 13-year-old girl.)

"I don't remember anything of the kind! Aya-oneechan has always been special and—"

"Ah … uh … uuh…"

The scene changes. This is more or less just a daydream anyway, so there's nothing I should be surprised by. However, the new setting leaves me shaken.

It's where we used to live, or more precisely, Aya-oneechan's room. I smell a mix of various perfumes and scented oils.

Aya-oneechan and I are present; we're both 10 years old or so. Aya-oneechan is lying on her bed while my 10-year-old self is giving her a worried look.

"What's wrong, Onee-chan?" my younger self asks as she shakes her sister's reactionless body. However, Aya stays still and absolutely refuses to show her face.

After a while at last, she opens her mouth.

"I lost…"

"Huh?"

"The national examination—you also had to take it at your school, right? I lost to someone in my class, even though I've never lost until now…"

"Eh? That's all? Things like that happen. There's no reason to be depressed about it, is there?"

"You know nothing, Maria," she answers in a deep, annoyed voice that silences me. "You don't understand the severity of this. The severity of my losing! I mustn't lose to anyone. I must prove worthier than anyone else. Everyone has to need me, or…"

—You should have never been born.

"Or I can't avenge myself on Rinko-san."

She firmly presses her face against her pillow and screams:

"Or I can't be proud of being born…!"

"Aya-oneechan…" As I watch this scene, her name escapes my lips.

Back in the day, I had no idea what was going on. I had no idea what made Aya-oneechan suffer. But now I understand.

Aya Otonashi was fighting a battle.

She was fighting the fact that she was born unneeded.

Aya Otonashi, who looked like a "pitiful child" to most, was—who would have thought it—really just a "pitiful child." She could not escape from the fact that neither Rinko-san nor her new parents needed her, and therefore tried to demonstrate her value by becoming someone special. Oftentimes she would blow past her limits and be downright reckless, but she held back her tears and kept fighting while bracing herself. The only thing that made Aya-oneechan feel alive was praise.

She worked harder than anyone else and continued to move forward without a single word of complaint. I have great respect for Aya-oneechan for growing strong like that.

But at the same time, there was undeniable weakness and fragility hidden beneath her mask of self-confidence.

(Aya Otonashi was just a human.)

"No…" I shake my head in denial.

I know that I'm behaving childishly, but I simply can't admit it.

"Aya-oneechan was special. She was a monster. She planned her death. She must have! Otherwise that would mean that she was killed meaninglessly by that obsessed freak! I don't want that. I don't want her death to be meaningless. Aya-oneechan took over my body. She could do that because she was a monster. Can't we leave it that way? If we don't—"

"—Aya-oneechan will die once and for all."

Before I know it, I'm back at the scene of the accident—but something is slightly different.

Aya-oneechan isn't crawling up the cliff like before; she's stuck inside the car. She is frantically pounding against the front window in an attempt to break it open; the car doors were damaged by the crash and won't open. Since she's sustained a fatal injury, there is no power in her fists and they barely make a sound as they pound against the glass.

"I don't want to die … save me … I don't want to end like this," she laments in a feeble voice. "It hurts … it hurts! I don't want to die … Maria! I don't yet … want to die…!"

Needless to say, she is not smiling at all.

My younger self is holding a bouquet of flowers while looking down the cliff, unable to see her sister's pleading.

I mean … I wasn't really there when it happened. I only went to the site the next day.

My younger self throws the bouquet down the cliff and whispers with vacant eyes:

"I won't accept this."

"I won't accept Aya-oneechan's death."

"Aya-oneechan is a superior being and can't die." "No one may kill her." "She took me over." "I don't want to be left alone." "If I become Aya-oneechan, I won't be alone." "I'm not alone."

I recall what my relatives, who only ever thought of me as a bother, said.

—If Aya-oneechan's gone…

No one will need me.

I absolutely cannot endure that. I want her to need me, even if just as a ghost. I'll take on her will. I'll say she took me over. Aya-oneechan needed my body, therefore I must live for her goal of making everyone happy. Otherwise, it means that she didn't really need me.

I'm not alone.

Aya-oneechan lives on within me.

However, the sediment—Kazuki—confronts me with the truth.

(Maria Otonashi and her sister's wish was never to make everyone in the world happy.)

Right.

Our real wish is—

Because our parents didn't love us and ignored us., our real wish is—

(You want to be needed by someone.)

"We want to be needed by someone."

My tears won't stop. What should I do? I have to kill Aya-oneechan, but if I do, I will be all alone. No one will need me. If I abandon my box, I will lose hope and my will to live. Someone help me! Someone save me! Who will save me? No one. Why would anyone exist just for my sake? Why would I be so lucky to have my own kni—"

"—I can't believe it."

"—There is. There is someone who's devoted to me!"

Right.

I do have a savior.

I'm so lucky to have a savior just for me.

"I need you, Maria!"

—Kazuki Hoshino.

Kazuki said the thing I most wanted to hear.

In fact, what he said is the undeniable truth: If I don't go to him, he will continue to bang on the wall, unable to escape the loops.

I'm the only one who can save Kazuki.

Kazuki is the only one who can save me.

Kazuki desperately needs me.

I desperately need Kazuki.

I wipe away my tears.

We had to make a huge detour to get here, didn't we?

I should have just been honest with myself and admitted that I didn't want to leave him.

That was all.

That was all I had to do—

"—for my wish to come true."

I can safely destroy the Flawed Bliss now.

After all, I've just obtained the real thing.

In order to fulfill my true wish, I have to crush the false one. I have to kill the monster I made Aya-oneechan out to be with my own hands.

I walk up to Aya-oneechan, who's still struggling to escape the car and survive.

She won't survive. No matter how zealous she is and no matter how promising her future, she won't survive. She will die a gruesome and meaningless death.

"Aya-oneechan."

Since I can't interact with the past, my voice doesn't reach her.

However, she stops beating on the car window. She closes her eyes and sinks into her seat.

She has decided to accept her fate.

"I'm sorry for locking you inside such a terrible place for so long. I'm sorry for misunderstanding you all this time. I used you as a pretext to avoid facing reality … but that's enough. I will release you now."

I take a small bottle out of my pocket.

"Here's your birthday present!"

I drizzle the scented oil I wanted to give her that day on the ground. A peppermint fragrance starts to spread.

Finally, my time can move forward again.

Aya-oneechan can't possibly have noticed the peppermint scent, yet a faint smile appears on her face while her eyes remain closed.

I doubt she was content with her life. She must have had a lot of regrets. She must have been full of hate and remorse when she died.

However—

This is just my personal view, but I think that she was also a little bit happy that she had kept her plans to study abroad from me. Because thanks to that—

—She could save her little sister.

"Maria … all the best to you…"

With those final words, she fell into eternal slumber.

"Goodbye, Onee-chanO."

My long-lasting enemy, O, fades silently into the air and disappears.

The monster within me is no more.

I dive into the sea again. I continue to follow the weeping as I head deeper into the dark. I'm not afraid anymore, even if I can't see what's ahead of me. The deeper I go, the more of my memory returns.

Ah … they're all memories I don't want to remember, but I will no longer flee from them. I keep going in order to face my past.

When did I start crying here? Probably since the very beginning. Ever since the moment I obtained my box, I must have been weeping because of my loneliness here. My original, weak self was in the way of my plan to become Aya Otonashi; that's why I sunk her in the depths of the sea.

However, until I retrieve my other half, I won't be able to destroy the Flawed Bliss.

Groping in the dark for my crying self, I continue to wander about. The weeping is right beside me, but I can't see anyone. "Maria," I call out and stretch out my hand.

I feel someone with my fingertips.

"Is it you, Maria?"

I grab at her wrist and pull her toward me.

Orbs of light surround us and light up the dark. The weeping girl looks like my 13-year-old self.

"Are you the Zeroth Maria?"

She is the past I've left behind: my former self. My weak self. My distrusting and diffident self.

The Zeroth Maria lifts her head and gives me a mystified look.

(Can you see me now?)

Her words take me by surprise. But she's right … all this time, I must have been unable to see her.

"Yes! I can see you."

(Will you be with me from now on?)

"I'll be with you forever," I say as I take her hand. "I won't run away from you anymore. I won't run away from my past anymore."

I look into her eyes and give her a gentle smile.

"Please come back to me."

The Zeroth Maria, however, seems hesitant. For good reason: after all, I'm the one who tormented her.

(…You must promise me several things.)

"What do you want me to promise?"

(Cry when you're sad. Laugh when you're happy. Get angry when you don't like something. Depend on someone when you're depressed. Care for yourself before you care for others. Don't hate anyone. Be proud of yourself.)

These are things that used to be impossible for me, but the moment she mentions the last promise, I feel strangely confident that I will have no problems keeping these promises:

(Stay loyal when you fall in love.)

"Yeah, I promise. You can be sure of me."

(Really?)

I nod. I'm absolutely confident that I can keep my word.

(Great! I'll come back then!)

The Zeroth Maria stops crying and laughs instead. She starts to merge with my body.

"Ugh, ah…"

Learning about and accepting the truth doesn't make it any less unpleasant; a nauseating sensation runs through my body that feels like my blood is flowing the wrong way. I'm not strong anymore. I can't even pretend to be. The weaker half I've regained is helpless and has nothing.

My complete past flows back into me and charges at me with sad memories. Even now that I've stopped running away, I still can't get myself to enjoy the world; I've lost count of how many times it made me suffer. There doesn't seem to be a single grain of gentleness in the world.

Reality is harsh, unrewarding, mean, whimsical, unfair, frightening—

But…

I'm not alone anymore.

"Right, Kazuki?"

That's why I can return to being Maria Otonashi.

✵✵✵

I emerge from the bottom of the sea and wake up in my former apartment.

O isn't here anymore. Instead, I'm holding a beautiful but fragile, transparent cube in my hands.

And I'm not alone.

"Ah—"

His presence makes me tear up. I cry with relief. I don't want to admit it, but this is my true self.

"Ah … Kazuki."

Kazuki is lying on the floor. I clasp him in my arms, but he doesn't react. He just stares into space with a vacant look.

Over the course of an excruciating number of loops, Kazuki lost everything. The absolute solitude has taken both wit and memory from him, and turned him into a lifeless shell. Even his soul has been transformed by my gruesome box. I doubt he will ever be the same again.

Reality is as harsh as always. Life keeps imposing new trials upon me.

However, I will not rely on boxes anymore.

I try to form the best smile I can as I cry, and start speaking to Kazuki.

"Hey Kazuki … do you remember that one time when I lost heart in the Rejecting Classroom? You would hold your hand out to me and say, 'I have come to meet thee, m'lady Maria.' And then you would claim that you had come to save me even if it meant the betrayal of all others and their eternal enmity. Your actions have been consistent ever since. You've always tried to save me, while I was held captive at the bottom of the ocean and pretended to be strong. And you kept your word. You really dove into the depths of the endless ocean to save me. You truly betrayed everyone else in search of me, sparing no pains to do so."

I put the transparent box on the floor and gently wrap my hands around Kazuki's. His fingers twitch slightly, but that's probably just a reflex.

"Please forgive me. There is only one thing I can do to repay this debt."

I touch his arm.

"I will stay by your side for the rest of my life."

Kazuki shows no reaction.

"This time I won't give up. I will keep waiting for you to come back. Well, it's nothing compared to how long you had to wait for me, right? But … that's not quite true. This is not about waiting or not waiting. Destiny has made us inseparable. I will forever stay by your side—it's the only option that exists."

I smile at him.

"Because that's our everyday life."

A tear falls on his palm. I can't deny it: it hurts that he is staring into space and not at me.

"Everything will turn out well that way, right? You said that there's no despair that can't be overcome by everyday life, right?" I say in a shivery voice. "I believe in you. After all, you defeated Aya Otonashi."

Kazuki will return.

But to be honest, the path back seems so endless and difficult that I'm about to despair.

"Do you recognize me?"

"Do you understand me?"

"Do you see me?"

"Do you feel me?"

"Do you remember me?"

None of my questions receive a response.

I have to admit that I'm almost losing heart, but I still try to maintain a smile. There is hope.

"Don't worry. If you forgot me, I will keep calling your name so that you can rediscover me, just like you kept calling mine."

"Kazuki," I say.

"Kazuki," I say with a teary voice.

"Kazuki," I say tenderly.

"Kazuki," I say cheerfully.

"Kazuki."

"Kazuki."

"Kazuki."

I continued to call his name. Before I knew it, the sun had set. During that time, Kazuki didn't just sit there. He stood up and walked around, and even wordlessly touched my face and my body. However, there was no thought behind his movements. Strangely enough, though, not once did he slam against the wall.

"Kazuki."

I must have called his name thousands of times today, but I don't mind in the slightest. Just saying his name makes me happy.

Suddenly, he squats down. Apparently, he noticed the transparent box. He picks it up and stares closely at it, not moving an inch.

"Kazuki…? What's wrong?"

Kazuki clasps the Flawed Bliss with his injured right hand that still has the power to crush boxes – the power of the Empty Box.

Fragile as the transparent box is, it bursts without any resistance.

The Flawed Bliss has been destroyed once and for all, and with it, Kazuki's Empty Box loses its power as well.

It's all over. I'm sure our lives will never get entangled with boxes again; Kazuki carried out his will through to the finish and extinguished his enemy.

Kazuki won against the boxes.

He turns his gaze to me. There is no will in his eyes and they don't see me. I'm sure he doesn't even know himself.

However, Kazuki doesn't avert his eyes from me.

I don't know why, but I think I know what he is about to say. He is about to bring about a miracle.

"—Maria."

My name must have stuck in his mouth after he said it so many times.

I mustn't get my hopes up, I say to myself. I mustn't ask for more happiness than this.

However, my heart won't obey. I'm so delighted that I have to sob.

How could you blame me?

After all, I'm no longer Aya Otonashi, the fighter, but Maria Otonashi, the crybaby.

—Do you have a wish?

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